Stopping by the Park at Sunset

A soft sigh escaped my lips as we settled on the bench at the edge of the park. I held myself in stillness for a moment, before turning to that feeling of your eyes on me. I wondered how you could look so intently at someone you barely knew. Was I interesting because I was shiny and new? Maybe you were the type to gaze upon things you wished to understand. I could only stand to look in your eyes for a moment before shyness pulled my gaze to the ground.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that I like you.”

I smiled, taking a moment to decide if the next words were worth the trouble they were bound to bring. Honesty won out in the end; it always did with me. “You like the idea of me. You can’t know if you like me yet. We just met.”

When I caught your eye, I noticed the furrow in your brow. “I’m a cautious person. I think I like you too but I don’t really know…not yet. And that’s okay for me. Who knows? You could turn out to be the best person in the world or maybe the worst. And what about me? I might be a total bitch.” I tightened my lips as the smile tried to play across them. Now isn’t the time to turn the truth into a joke.

You just smirked, realizing that I probably wasn’t a bitch. Or maybe amused that I just might be.

I continued, “I think it’s better to just enjoy the moment. Like right now.”

We both looked to the top of the elms where a finch or sparrow flitted between the branches. I wanted to know them by their song but the comforts of indoors stayed my ignorance. These birds, whatever they were, knew how to call for someone they loved and did so unabashedly. How did they do that? I thought I might never know, but the sound of their song and the gently rustling leaves stopped the wondering and stilled the moment. It was you, me, and the birds.

“No love at first sight for you, then?” you said quietly.

The statement did not make me start, because the truth in your mind was not the truth at all. If you could fall for me, you could fall for anyone. The question may have been innocent or this relative stranger might have been curious about how I would receive such a declaration. Would my heart start to flutter if I believed you were falling for me? Well, good sir, I thought, I have unparalleled poise.

Meeting your gaze, I said, “Bold of you to ask that on a first date!”

I let smugness take hold as the blush rose in your cheeks.

“I’ve been cautious before,” you said, with a slight waver in your voice. My ears pricked at the sudden, yet subtle, shift in your countenance, belying the confidence during our date. “I don’t know if it’s better that way.”

Your words floated on the soft breeze, intermingling with the birdsong in the elm trees. Each question that appeared in my mind never made it to my lips. Who had you known? Why were you careful? Who left? Did they run when they went? Did you give chase? Did you know it would end? Did you want to stay? Did they?

I had no doubt you had loved before. It was plain in the lines on your face. And if you thought you could fall for me now, who was I to tell you what you were allowed to believe?

Then, I didn’t know what to say. Maybe I liked you too. Maybe there was a future in which I loved you, deeply. Maybe, after this moment, we would always be a part of each other’s lives. Maybe this was the beginning. Maybe this was simply a moment and we would reside in each others’ memories. And maybe, I couldn’t make claims on ‘maybes’ alone.

I reached for your hand because I couldn’t meet your eyes. I watched the way you intertwined your fingers with mine. Right there, your hand seemed in its proper place. The warmth radiating from you drew me close and I found myself tucked into your side, though I don’t remember having moved at all.

After a moment, your vulnerability bade me speak, too. “I’ve let myself fall too quickly. I’ve confused crushes for real love. I’ve denied overwhelming feelings. I’ve let people walk out of my life because it hurts less than when you beg them to stay…even if you don’t beg out loud. I still don’t know the right way to be. I don’t even know if the way you look at me is exciting or scary.”

You squeezed my hand just a little and let the birds take up the conversation. The muscles in my chest tightened as the weight of my words settled on my skin. That was too honest.

There was a time, not long ago, that I would have kept all those words secret. I didn't know why I shared them now. Then, I wondered if you treated people like games. Did you think I did the same? Was I feigning honesty to win your affection? Were dating and love the tools for finding yourself and every player, even the ones with earnest hazel eyes, just collateral damage as I tried to win…something? And what, exactly? The company of a warm body that held my hand at sunset? The knowledge that onlookers thought we had found our person and no longer had to be alone? If you believed me worthy of your time, it must be true. Right?

I always left the tangles of uncertainty to myself. No one else would be in charge of relieving my doubts.

Then you said, “Thank you for telling me.”

I did look at you then, directly into those hazel eyes. My careful composure cracked enough that you laughed and I wanted more of that sound. It made your crow’s feet deepen and shook your whole self so I felt the vibrations and lived in them and couldn’t get enough.

“Just so you know, I’m scared too. But, if I never see you after today, I wanted you to know that I like you. I want to see you again. If you don’t want that, at least you’ll reject me and not someone I pretended to be or something I didn’t say. Then I’ll know for certain if we were meant for each other because I didn't try too hard and I didn't hold anything back. If not, we have the birds and the sunset.”

“This isn’t a romance novel,” I teased. “Nobody talks like that.”

You laughed, softly this time. “No. But if we can write down the things we want, why can’t we say them out loud?”

Maybe we’re all afraid. The sun dipped low and I let it drift away along with everything I didn’t yet know how to say. “You want a second date?”

“If this first one has to end, yes, I really do.”

I hoped you noticed the goosebumps shower down my arms as I answered, “Me too.”