STONE II

I swung over the railing with my side but my shorts got caught on the hook, I slipped on the water, falling back over the railing. I'm trying to scream but I can feel my lungs retracting instead of the usual movements of in and out pumps. I look below and I'm met with the concrete.

I open my eyes and I'm in my bed. I check my legs, my head, my back and arm. But there was no trace of injury or broken bones. I notice my clothes are wet, which means I was outside but no serious injuries apart from the huge bump on my forehead. I check for the rip on my shorts, proving I did get caught on something but I'm not dead. That's when I let out a loud sigh of relief because it was pretty obvious I didn't fall the over the balcony.

I recall slipping on rain water but after that I'm blank. I'm just glad I'm alive. I sit up and my eyes instantly start aching, so I let out this loud groan. Then I heard my brother walk in and I look up. "Guy, what happened? when i got back from school I saw you passed out on the floor. I got some pain killers for you, that huge bump on your head doesn't look nice"

I sat up right taking the drugs from his hands, thanking him for coming on time. Cause only God knows how long I would have stayed there. But I had to ask " What time did school close? you came back way too early." that's when I noticed the change in his facial expression from worried to realization. He quickly changed the subject saying " Rest your head and go to sleep, before you make your headache throb even more."

I just ignored him and layed back down, I closed my eyes and drifted to my thoughts. People wonder why you would want to make a permanent solution to a temporary problem but how could something temporary last for so long, think of your loved one's, " You have no right putting them through such situations". I'm sorry but what about me, I am the one going through these stuff mentally, I am the one that has to live with it. You aren't the one going through the pains I'm in right now, so what do you know about putting people through pain. The least you can say is that I should live for myself, you are stronger than what you are going through.

Don't get me wrong I know, that what's happening for me, mentally is temporary or it's a phase I have to get through but why do I feel so weak. I feel so overpowered by my intrusive thoughts, by the anxiety, by the loneliness, the suicidal thoughts are so tempting. But, I can't. I would only be proving to so many people that they've won, that I am truly too weak. That I am giving them the power over me to do more. I'm am sad, depressed, anxious but most of all ANGRY.

I am capable of feeling beautiful, confident, courageous but I have no one holding me back but myself. I mean why do my thoughts keep bringing up people that actually don't care about me, people I can stand up to, people I know for a fact I'm greater than and am capable of being better than. Why do I hold myself back from defending myself when I know that I am more than capable of defending myself. Why am I so scared of people overpowering me, thinking I'm not strong enough or capable enough to stand up for myself. This is the problem. I am the problem. I have 2 options to make. CHANGE or give up. I need the change, I want to change, I am better than this But change isn't the easiest thing.

"ELENORA!!!!" my mother screamed out. I shot out from my bed to answer her and the look on her face told me my brother has already filled her in on the gist. I'm merely staring at her at this point as she's scolding me about falling down and not being capable of taking care of myself. She gives me this look that i should answer her or she'll knock me out again herself. I first greeted her in our language ( It'll be disrespectful if I didn't) and explained to her it was an accident. She looked relieved though that I was fine, " Go and cook the turkey and chicken I brought back from work, we're cooking stew tonight".

NOTE: please note that the images used in my posts are gotten off pinterest and are not my property. I believe the credit for the owner is written on the image.