Sticky

I can’t sleep. Insomnia is an ongoing problem in my life. 16 years of poor slumber and if you look at my face when I’m not wearing makeup you would probably be able to tell. My under eyes are the physical equivalent of the mood felt by the figure in Munch’s ‘The Scream’ and that’s not even an exaggeration. It started at university when I was in a really bad head space and, for some reason, it’s never gone away. I think I worry too much about things. My brain thinks of every tiny thing I should be doing in my life and also replays every painful situation over and over until there’s nothing left but an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. If I could just get my brain to be quiet, then maybe I could sleep.

My eyes drift around the room, the streetlamp dimly illuminating my world. A puppet from Malaysia, a ceramic skull from Mexico, a show poster from the time I performed in Germany. My therapist refers to these as ‘identity trophies’ used to display who I am, but I never have anyone else in my room. I suppose I’m just displaying it to myself and trying to figure out who I really am and what I want to be. I thought by 36 I’d know but I guess it’s ok if I don’t. I like to think of all the famous actors who don’t even start acting until they’re in their 50s or 60s and then become a global phenomenon. It’s a comforting thought for someone like me who overthinks everything.

The foxes are shrieking outside. They’re mating but they sound like human babies in pain and it’s kind of terrifying. The sound goes right through you and makes your bowels twitch. Definitely doesn’t help the insomnia. Why are the foxes in South London this loud anyway and why do they seem to love playing in the road so much? I’ve seen two dead foxes in the last year, both hit by vehicles at night. I wish they’d realise it’s not safe. I was feeding one fox some salami and chicken in my garden recently and then it just stopped coming to visit. I’m pretty sure something bad happened to it and that makes me sad.

Did I hear a hoot? There aren’t owls in this area, yet I heard it again. Going over to the window I can see it in the crab apple tree outside. It IS an owl. Very clearly and definitely an owl. White face glimmering in the darkness. I open a search engine on my phone and turn the brightness as low as it will go. I start typing “owl identification white face” and it immediately brings up a Barn owl. This road in South London is definitely not a barn… God, I can’t worry about an owl as well as the foxes. My phone says it’s 03:48 and I really want to sleep.

I lie back down in bed but take off my pyjama top first. I feel all sticky tonight. Sometimes insomnia can do that. It makes you feel quite sweaty and uncomfortable. Water tastes weird in the early hours too and I often wonder if other people notice that. Maybe if I turn the pillow over the cool sensation will help me sleep. I thought that an hour ago though when I last turned the pillow. It felt amazing for about 2 minutes then was just warm again.

Who counts sheep? Does anyone actually do it and does it really work? I think I’d get lost when counting and keep having to start again. Sounds more frustrating than relaxing. I prefer ASMR but it’s often hard to find a video that really relaxes me. Maybe I should make some ASMR videos myself. I reckon I’d be ok at them. I could use my long nails to tap things and I have a good whispering voice. I could even eat cake on camera. God, I love cake. I should buy some cake this week.

I should get back into writing before starting any new projects. I haven’t written anything in years but still consider myself a writer. Maybe I shouldn’t. What if I wrote something and then everyone said it was terrible? That would be mortifying. Oh, why do I have to have so many thoughts at a time when I’m meant to be sleeping?

I’m still too hot but if I open the window then the urban wildlife will be even louder. Please sleep, please sleep, please sleep. I’m going to flip the pillow again. I really hope I can sleep. 16 years of insomnia and I wonder if it will ever go away.