Starting All Over Again

The screeching as I opened my eyes to look at my husband fast asleep.  After a short wake-up to feed our baby, who was inevitably hungry after all.  The tears started to run down his tiny face as I could not get the bottle fast enough.  After all this time and control, I still was pregnant.  My older child was an experience as a single mother without help. I had been through raising him, then he was old enough to take care of himself.  Now, here I am with the new one.  All the little things I had forgotten.  It was almost like the first time when I was just a scared young woman.  All the memories flooded my brain as the bottle was finally warmed up to the point of even testing.  The little face was so innocent and helpless as I rocked her in my arms.  No happiness without a bottle, even with a mother's loving touch.  The tears were relieved as the nourishment entered her little mouth.   Her eyes settled on me as the mother, trying her best, but she never felt good enough. Her small body never questioned if I could not take care of her needs. She investigates the distance as her tummy is filled with the warm, lackluster liquid.  I was told I could never have another one after my son, but here she is, a precious new life waiting for her chance to shine. 

Her little eyes shuttered to sleep as she calmed, and I slowly closed mine.  The chair was incredibly comfortable and pleasant to relax in.  With a flicker of a light, Mike, my husband, came down and gently took our little girl before the next few hours of feeding.  My eyes could see his anticipation of holding his little girl. She was still asleep as he kissed her and sang a song to her. He still had work in the morning but tried to do what he could to help. I could only smile as if I had someone caring that much, unlike my son's father.  This time, I found a good man, not a cute jerk who just wanted some fun.  I fell back asleep as he was already starting a bottle for the next feeding.  I remember being so tired, but now it was all coming back to me.  Dozing off to sleep and then waking up more than two hours later.   I panicked, but he had her sleep in the bassinet.  I was back in bed with him, bringing me some coffee.  He gently said, 'Good morning,' and then had a bottle made for me to give to her.  I was much more rested as I simply could sleep.  It was like my second first time with this schedule. Yes, it was hectic at times, but she was my miracle child, and I had some help this time.   I slowly awoke and drank the strong coffee as she slept soundly.  It was a sacrifice, but so much love for such a small human being.  I quickly took a shower while I had the time, then was ready for when she started to whimper.

He quietly got ready for work, showing sure signs of exhaustion.  I smiled and kissed him as I fed my daughter the morning bottle.  He looked at me with love and whispered, "I love you."  He took his keys and drove off to work.  His leave had ended while mine was still in effect.  My body was starting to heal, and I had my second chance at raising my child.  Her little mouth sucked the bottle as if it was her last meal.  She had nothing to worry about, but she was starting to squirm. She then began to shut her eyes as if it were time to rest after a good hearty burp.  I laid her in the bassinet, and she could be seen dreaming of what I thought.  The small innocence of being so small.  My son, now a teenager, grumbled as he emerged from his room, attempting to get ready for school.  He was my first, and he survived all my mistakes.  Though his decisions might provide other evidence.  I had one who was trying to figure out high school and another who was just starting out in life.   I smiled at my little one as she slept, but I couldn't get the older one to pick out a matching outfit.   He just stared with annoyance, but this is teenagers with hormones.  I packed his lunch as he was about to miss the bus, and he ran out just in time. He never wanted to listen to solid advice that might just make life easier.

Still, she slept in her bed with no care in the world. Each day, growing and learning, even when it comes to walking and talking.  It seems like a lifetime now, but in a blink, they grow to be like my son.  This time around, I will be different and try to raise her better with love and stability.  The house grew quiet as I tried to do some chores since sleepless nights had not helped, and the laundry kept piling up, while the dishes never seemed to get any smaller.  I have remastered the quick cleaning with fast scrubbing.  It was the opportune time to sleep the infant.  The house was a mess, but things would improve once she slept through the night.  I had forgotten how I felt that day, and yet I signed up for this again.  I have a good life now, with my husband of over five years and our children, each with their own set of circumstances.  It's a hectic life, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  My love has grown to new measures holding my newest.  She is so small and vulnerable, yet seems remarkably strong.  I was tired, but I persevered through it all and then had to let her sleep to regain strength for another feeding. 

The afternoon was only making me more tired as the pile of laundry never seemed to end.  The dishes took forever, but the tedious chore of sorting colors and whites only appears to have been done by me. I love my husband, but he is terrible about this, and yet he is a great father.  It is done between feeding times, so something gets done in the house.  One day, I will miss these days, but right now, it is a lot of work.  She seems to want to fight even a diaper change in between the loads. I can only imagine discomfort from the wetness.  I only want to get past the second first time of potty training, but that will be a short while off.  Near the end, my son arrives home and heads straight to his room, and no response to any questions.  With the little one in my arms, I let him be his teenage self.  The house at least looks somewhat clean as my tired husband arrives home from work. His smile is welcomed, and a hug helps make the afternoon better. 

Dinner was simple, with my son rolling his eyes with macaroni and cheese for another night.  He never likes anything anyway, so I make what is available and quick.  My daughter just looks at me, expecting some food, but she is far too little for the good-tasting stuff yet.  In the evening, we are both ready for bed with a few premade bottles in the fridge.  My little girl looked so peaceful as she slept for a few hours, and I looked at my husband passing out before he hit the pillow. The only thought that came to mind was, 'Did I change her diaper?' Then I remembered I had. I remind myself that this part of my life shall pass, but I have made an extraordinary life out of it.  I do not know what I would do without my family.  Their love will carry me through to the next day, after dozing off to the short hours of sleep of my second first of having a baby.