stark

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

My question is hanging in the air. He doesn’t respond immediately, perhaps wants me to let the meaning of what I just asked, sink in.

“Do these bother you?” He asked, nodding towards my legs. We are sitting on a cliff, looking at the sun. Everything around is quiet and surprisingly cold.

“I don’t know. I think sometimes they do. It depends what day it is.” I didn’t think much about the answer. I don’t want to think about anything. That’s why I came here in the first place. Again, he lets me regret my own answers, but my mind wanders off before that even can happen. We remain quiet for several more moments.

“Are we going to talk about the fact that this pit doesn’t have a bottom, and the sun is way closer than it should be?” His voice doesn’t sound as annoyed as he’d like it to and consequently avoids my eyes when I look at him amused by the attempt.

We are not going to talk about that. I want to sit here and enjoy the things others cannot. Being selfish makes me happy. To some level. He knows it, and these attempts to ruin the atmosphere fall flat because they are meant to. None of us says anything for some more time. The sun is rotating slowly, and the stone under us keeps slightly shaking. However, it is a distant sensation of danger that doesn’t appear real.

“Hey! So, after taking me here, after everything we’ve been through, and starting off with an insult, you won’t talk to me?!” His words keep missing the intended depth. I know he’s glad to be with me but needs to prove his point of being a trapped individual. It is not difficult to see where he’s coming from – I didn’t really ask him whether he wants to go. It was closer to an order. At the same time, he knows there was no way around it.

“You are turning into an annoying animated character. Why can’t you just be quiet?” I too, struggle to emphasise the potential gravity of the situation. Another eruption on the surface of the burning sphere in front of us splashes into the void underneath, followed by a short heatwave our faces couldn’t feel.

It is fascinating. I have never been as calm as I am now. Despite the monstrous globe that could swallow us any moment. It is bizarre. All of it. Me sitting on a piece of stone that should have melted in an outfit that wouldn’t pass the society standards under any other circumstances. Despite my request, he still refuses to give up.

“Fine. I won’t ask why you are here if you’re being a child about it. But why me? I have no desire to burn or fall down. You? Sure, you do whatever you want, but don’t include me all the time!” He finally got his voice to the desired space and tone. But he’s wrong to expect it to work on me.

“Haven’t you burned out ages ago?” Mean, perhaps. Though it is more me accepting the rules of his game once again. “I thought I witnessed it several times, actually.” I know he wants to say something, and suddenly worried I hurt him, I continue with a calmer voice: “I couldn’t leave you down there. You mean too much to me. You’re a gift from my father.”

“The nose you got there is too from him, and you have hated it your whole life.” Of course, I didn’t hurt him. How could I? He knows how to win the game he started, and he always does. Now it is my turn to act appropriately offended, and I try to look at him, but he hides in the blind spot between my eyes. He loves to do that, knowing I have to start a series of odd acrobatic movements to find him again.

“How dare you?!” My voice cracks. Speaking while squirming to catch a glimpse of him in the inner corner of either of my eyes. I almost lose my balance, and with a smile resting on my lips, I watch stones that crumbled from the cliff disappear. He’s a good friend. His body has seen better days, and his breath isn’t what it used to be. But we grew up together following a dream he had to accept. And despite all his pinching remarks, he is enjoying what we have achieved together.

“Are you going too deep? Come on, Becky, everything around, the limitless space you can take advantage of, and you still need to dig inside your little head?” He nailed the tone this time. A bit hurt, a little playful, but I know he doesn’t like when I go far. I cannot help it, though. It’s satisfying looking back. Replaying old situations and re-watching memories that seemed meaningless at the time of creation.

He’s not expecting me to respond and keeps hanging between my view and the world where only he can exist. We share that. I am the source of decisions and memories while he is here to keep me grounded and make sure I am not alone. I’m certain he promised that to my father before he took off. He was there for most of my exams as a child, he shared the room with me when I needed it, and when dad faded from my life completely, he became his closest imprint.

His thoughts helped me moving out of an apartment that was starting to haunt me. He is the reminder from my past that what happened sometimes needs to be let go. After all, he knows why we are here – he had the idea to study what I did and pushed me forward. I could fault him as much as he tries to blame me. We are evenly trapped in each other’s worlds.

Visible, away and a barely noticeable line before my eyes. He’s on his journey to stability, and I am speaking out loud, hypnotised by the motion. “You know why this is happening. I could never find a place to rest. Even though people always tried, I never managed to fit myself in. Who else but you should know the whole story - you were there. On the road trip when I tried to escape and didn’t think it through.” A short pause, although I doubt he’ll respond. “You were there on the second attempt that went much better - you read the map with me when I finally found the courage to relocate completely. Gave up most of what I knew and owned. Being here almost seems like a natural progression.”

I did give up everything. Everything but him. For my studies and a loan, I will never pay off. For a house in the middle of nowhere that got claimed back by the bank. The opportunity that brought us here. I gave everything away before I made the decision to regain my freedom. And he’s been there the whole time. Always in my view. He hung next to me in my first car and by the windshield of the moving van too... My mind goes blank. Unlike a casual window, however, my memories and past follow the stones to the depths of the pit. Immediately vanishing within another lash of the hot giant. Almost an overwhelming sense of relief floods my body. I made it - this is what I always wanted. An endless sea of nothing. No baggage, no past, no future. Alfred made it too. He kept his shape turning into a single memory that is hanging on the inside of my helmet. Still loyal, although suddenly silent, tied to a string. A little piece of crumbled cardboard shaped like a shark that has lost all its fragrance.