'Stances

I was excited when the call came through. My heart skipped a very fine beat, but I steadied myself for the worse, hoping for the best. I knew that time would reveal all the secrets being kept from me. There was never a moment where some doubt crept into my mind, wondering over and over again if this was the right thing for me. I still moved forward with a smile and a laugh that masked my innermost feelings. Some days, my emotions fell upon my face and sat there for everyone to see and everyone did see. They knew when to play with me and then they knew when I was not in the mood.

My temper is not strong. I have a very even keel about myself. There is no violence in my world, or I at least try to keep the violence out of my world. It wasn’t until a month ago that I started feeling a stranger than fictional emotion. Anger and jealousy began flowing through my blood. I wondered if it was the company I was keeping; I wondered if I shouldn’t try and spend more time alone to sort this out. My friends were asking me their all too important questions, “James, are you sure, man? You really think you can deal with this?”

No, I’m not sure if I can deal with this, but my heart and my mind are in it and it’s too late to let go now. I know I should have given this more time to mature.

The whole of my life, I pretty much spent giving people whatever they asked of me, especially those who took my heart away. The world was theirs as far as I was concerned. If it was my last ten dollars, I would spend it. I know it sounds deprecating and in some ways desperate, but it never felt that way to me. It only meant that from time to time I have been used, only I was using too. All I wanted was true love, real love in my life, and by any means necessary. My best friend, who is like my brother never judged me for my actions, when it came to my relationships. He always took me for who I am. Mike would only sit back and analyze my rants, but he would never judge them.

When the New Year came forcing its way in, I was ready for change. I could feel that something different and great was about to happen in my life. The excitement made me impatient. I wanted something special to happen and it did. January had not ended before I saw her again. The circumstances surrounding our last meeting over four years ago played in my mind, but only for an hour or two. I knew she was beautiful, sexy, and smart, and I knew she knew this, so why beat a dead horse? I’ve had plenty of sexy, smart women before and I was looking for substance, not surface. The first phone call was fun and informative. We had a lot of catching up to do and in my mind, I still told myself that she was not really my type, but we could be very good friends. I knew my best friend was still in love with her and, there was the reason I never made a move four years ago. I was being loyal to my friend. I knew this woman could drive the sanest mind absolutely crazy, this was not going to happen to me. I am stronger than that and again, I was looking for substance, remember?

At eleven in the morning, we talked for a good hour and made plans to meet up in the early afternoon. Something in those waiting minutes stirred up my stomach. I thought back again on that time.

“I want you,” she told me, “I want to be your girlfriend.”

“I can’t. Mike is my best friend.”

“Yeah, but we’re not together anymore. You don’t want me?”

Oh, yes, I want you, I was thinking. I would love to want you, but I’ve taken more than my share from my best friend. In almost every short and unsuccessful relationship my best friend had, the women turned to me for comfort and consolation. I just couldn’t do it again. I remember that bright, summer moonlit night. I remember the look on her face. I remember what she was wearing and it wasn’t much-it was a hot summer night. I remember how she looked into my eyes with total confirmation and waited for my answer.

When I finally got my nerve up, two hours after we were supposed to meet, I called and apologized for taking so long. It took every strength in my body to balance myself before seeing her again. I hooked up my GPS and plugged in her address and away I went; was this the beginning of that something new and different I was feeling? And I wondered if this was what I was waiting for all my life. I know that sounds extreme, but those were my thoughts as I was driving to my destination.

The evening was short, but it brought on a flood of feelings, for her and for me. She had changed or grown or, there was something very new about her. The conversation flowed, there was so much to talk about and I was absorbing every bit of information I could wrap my little brain around, telling myself to hold it in until I got to my computer where my journal sits full and unseen by anyone. I held on to every word so that I could write it all down when I was alone so that I could remember everything. It was interesting that in order to connect completely to our past, I made the decision to drop past Mike’s place, pick up some beer and we all talk about things. Where else would we go, really? She was back in town, after so many years, and I can remember when the news hit the friendship circle. “Your girl is back in town!” That was never my girl, that was your girl, and I gave up an opportunity to try and love her out of respect for our friendship, I thought to myself. By the way, why didn’t you treat her better? Were you so jealous that you had to fight about her every beck and move? What did she do so badly that you felt you had to put a knife to her throat? Yes, I want to know! That act of indifference towards her puzzled me. When Mike and I sat down to talk about that incident four years ago, he told me she was cheating on him. I told Mike she was just a girlfriend, one and two I wouldn’t care if you two were married, you can’t get that out of hand where you feel like you want to put a knife to someone’s throat.

It was April of last year when I heard of the coming. It was whispered that she was coming back to the states and then spoken loudly that she was going to be here in January, but I didn’t care, I was in love last summer, working on a relationship that I knew would fail. My heart was still in it. She wanted me, but I wanted more. I wanted us. That was not the agreement. I breached our contract. It was only supposed to be a mutually, sexual friendship, but I had to fall in love.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” she told me.

“I just want to love you,” I told her.

We spun around summer as no other lovers could; where there was a moment, there was love. When time tried to beat us, we beat it with a fervency of purpose. We loved hard all summer long and it was good. Only, I had to want more. I couldn’t just leave it alone; it had to be all good!

“Just take it easy” was my new year’s new motto, don’t be cavalier, don’t overestimate, and don’t take anything for granted. Last summer taught me some important lessons on how much to love and how much heart I should share before it gets broken. I promised myself to only stretch my imagination when I write! My journal is full, but it is empty, too. There is more I want to put there. There were some days when I was so ready to pour out my feelings that I got stuck. Some days, when I wanted to shout it all out, but instead I wrote it over and over again in my journal, “I’m okay. I’m good. I’m okay?” Those who know could see that I was not really okay. They all could see it and I hate when my emotions hang on my sleeve like a shingle. Yep, there’s my virus! My face is the window to my soul. Sucks, but I deal with it, and I hope my theatre training has helped me somewhat.

We arrived at Mike’s with beer, wine, and munchies in hand. I braced myself for an awkward reunion, but the mood was immediately light and airy. Mike welcomed us in with open arms and an open mind.

“You look gorgeous as ever, darling,” Mike said to her.

“And you’re still as handsome,” she replied.

“When you said January, you meant January. How was Italy? Are you staying with us for a while?”

“I could..maybe, for a while.”

Before the night ended, I rectified some of the circumstances. We, or moreover they talked about the night of the knife and that she wasn’t cheating. Mike apologized profusely. He got on his knees and begged her to forgive him. She laughed and then very seriously said that it was all water under the gondola. I found out that night that she wanted to try again me, and I found out that everything my best friend had told me about that time wasn’t altogether true. The woman beside me was not just beautiful, but she was real. A true body and soul; one that fights for what she wants and gets it. Sitting beside me was an energy I wanted to get to know more. I couldn’t help myself. When Mike left the room to use the bathroom, I saw that we were alone. I felt that I wanted to kiss her, and I did. It was eternal and soft. Her voice opened up the silence, and when we pulled away, her eyes meeting mine, she said, “Finally…!”

~~~~~