St Fandom Academy Chapter 24

Dear students, all staff, parents and guardians,

Today we will be getting a surprise visit from his Majesty, THE KING! This will be a special day for the school and I hope that you will all assist me in welcoming His Majesty to our humble school.

Blackadder only read the first paragraph. He almost couldn’t believe it himself. First thing that came to Blackadder’s head was why would Charles and Camilla come here? It couldn’t be for Eric Cartman’s constipated cover of Unchained Melody. What sort of charitable event would provoke them to attend a school for maniacs.

“What do you think to this Baldrick?” Blackadder asked.

“I hope the King likes the lunch I prepared. It’s an old recipe that’s been in the family for years.”

Blackadder’s eyes squinted. It was like one of his cunning plans that was as cunning as a chocolate teapot. “What culinary delights have you got in mind?”

Baldrick shook his head and smirked. “I can’t tell you: it’s a surprise.”

“A surprise you say.” Blackadder waltzed around the room. “Let me guess: turnip soup for starters. The main course will be slug sandwiches with donkey dumplings washed down with dandruff lattes.”

“How did you know?” Baldrick gasped. “Have you been peeking in the kitchen again?”

“My family and your family have been together for nearly six centuries,” Blackadder explained. “I know you like the back of my hand. Also, this is Japan. Anything can happen.”

“Will you be having lunch with the King?”

“No, Baldrick, I think I’m going to have a takeaway.”

The King’s visit was doomed, and only Blackadder seemed to believe it. King Charles would laugh at them. It had to be someone’s idea of a sick joke. The students seemed honoured that the King of England was coming. Still, it don’t explain why students had painted their face green. Not a single Union Jack flag on site.

Blackadder didn’t attend the lunch. What was the point? He could not stand the stench of saggy turnips and god knows what else Baldrick had slipped in the soup. Instead, he sat quietly in the classroom marking coursework. Once he was done, he went for a walk as he heard someone shout: “All rise for the king!”

Blackadder heard a Scottish accent that sounded nothing like Charles. But there were ogres in fancy clothing and crowns. Charles and Camilla really had let themselves go. Still, Blackadder did his best to be kind. He bowed before them and said, “Wonderful costumes. The greatest Shrek cosplay I’ve ever seen. And as for you, Camilla, I’d say the red hair and green make-up is a vast improvement. You both look fifty years younger.”

Baldrick stood behind Blackadder and whispered into his ear, “That is King Shrek and Queen Fiona.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Blackadder said. “Where are my manners? When I saw the email, I assumed King Charles and Queen Camilla.”

“You didn’t read the email properly, did you?” Baldrick whispered.

“I was busy,” Blackadder hissed. “I doubt you did either.”

“AI read it for me!” Baldrick said.

The King’s belch blew the posters away. Some locker doors swung open. Alas, the garlic stench. “Ah, you must be Blackadder eh? I heard about you. They said you were good at jokes.”

“Of course.”

Queen Fiona shook hands with Baldrick and hugged. “Thank you for making us the best lunch we’ve had in years.”

King Shrek laughed. “Yes! The slug sandwiches were amazing. Took me right back to my childhood. The donkey dumplings were great too!” Then he suddenly sighed. “Oh, I miss Donkey. God rest his soul.”

Blackadder took comfort in the fact that he was not the biggest embarrassment of the school. When Vicky Pollard came skating in her bikini, nothing new there. The girl would be getting more detentions than hot dinners. “Who’s that?” King Shrek asked. “She looks like my cousin Vicky.”

“Funny you say that, Your Majesty,” Baldrick said. “Her name is Vicky.”

Blackadder excused himself to read the email in full. He sighed in disbelief. What kind of messed up universe had he warped into? Had some gods with greater power had too much to drink effecting space and time. Was there any chance of having a normal life again?

Dear students, all staff, parents and guardians,

Today, we will be getting a surprise visit from His Majesty, THE KING! This will be a special day for the schoo,l and I hope that you will all assist me in welcoming His Majesty to our humble school.

From a small, humble cottage to acres of land and many swamps, King Shrek and his wife, Queen Fiona won the hearts of their people through their many adventures down the fairy tale continent. So please paint your faces green and celebrate their legacy as they grace the school with our presence and humour.