Specimen Pair 37

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Oz peered through the one-way mirror, studying the latest specimens. This will be his thirty-seventh and final attempt to get them to mate in captivity. If unsuccessful, the species will be classified as unfit for survival and left to face extinction on its dying planet.

Removed from their cages, a male and female explored the prepared nest. It was a strange nest, much larger than needed, difficult to defend, and geared toward comfort rather than security. A sure sign that this was an apex species, able to dominate its surrounding environment. Akin to a lion that sits proudly on the open expanse of the Serengeti. Or a herd of elephants trampling their way through life.

The male was larger and brutish, while the female was cunning and manipulative. Of the thirty-six prior attempts, thirty times the male’s clumsy and uncouth attempts to mate caused the female to reject him. Four times the female gave clear signals that she was ready to mate, but the male, used to rejection or unsure of himself, did not respond. And twice, the situation degraded into hostility, and the pair had to be separated and return to their cages.

Zin, a colleague, entered and studied the nest Oz had set up. “You still trying to get them to mate? My species won’t stop. I have little cotton tails everywhere.” She looked at Oz’s notes, leafing through the pages while frowning and shaking her head.

“This is a little more complicated than throwing straw on the floor with a few leaves of lettuce,” Oz said.

“I don’t know why you are trying so hard. They are ugly creatures and, by all accounts, destructive pests. Better they die with the planet than infest the rest of the galaxy.” Zin had little patience for species that fouled the environment, with no regard for others. She had already successfully lobbied to leave cockroaches and termites behind. She had almost gotten skunks added to the list. Until it was discovered one sprayed her, and she was doing it out of a personal vendetta rather than for scientific reasons.

“Well, this is their last chance. Hard to believe there are so many of them in the wild.” Oz smiled at Zin. “This time, I added a secret ingredient.”

Zin rolled her eyes. “What’s the gestation period?”

“Nine months.”

“What? They have to sit on an egg for nine months?”

“Worse. The female carries the baby.”

“You’re kidding. Do them a favor and let them go extinct.” Zin tossed Oz’s notes aside and watched the specimens prepare some food.

“Their mating ritual is very elaborate. They start out with a meal. I think it is to prove they can be providers.”

“Do they always leave spinach in their teeth?”

“Oh, no.” Oz jumped from his chair and ran to the window for a better look. “Whew. It’s the male. If the male gets food in his teeth, the female will motion for him to clean it. It turns into a bonding moment. The female is checking if the male can be trained. Make sure she will be able to round off some of the rough edges. But, of course, if it happens to the female, the male clams up, and the whole thing falls apart.”

The male used his fingernail to pull a small piece of spinach from his teeth. He examined it for a few seconds and then ate it.

“Oh gross,” said Zin. “The female will still mate with him after that?”

“Yep, not a deal breaker.”

“Why didn’t he use his napkin?”

“Napkins are like that extra fork. The male has no idea why they are there.” Oz sat down and made a few notes. “Here comes the second part of the mating dance. Entertainment. This is where they find out if they like the same things.”

“You know some species are meant to go extinct.” Zin made a slicing motion across her neck. “Do they have to like the same things?”

“No. But the male has to pretend he likes what the female likes.” Oz pointed at the couple taking a seat on the couch and turning on Netflix. “Oh, crap. It’s happening again.”

“What?”

“The male wants to watch Star Wars.” Oz threw his hands on top of his head. “Star Wars is the leading cause of male virginity.” Oz leaned forward and clasped his hands together. “Come on. Be Smart. Agree to watch Sleepless in Seattle.”

“Is that a better movie?”

“You’re missing the point. If a male is unwilling to sit through a rom-com, the female will think he doesn’t care about her feelings. The male has to suck it up and sit through it.”

“Wait, haven’t they already seen this movie? I remember it playing the last time I was in here.”

“No, that was a different Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan movie.”

“You sure? It looks the same.”

“All Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan movies are basically the same. But they made an endless supply of them. That way, the females can claim they haven’t watched it yet. The males have no chance. I’m surprised they haven’t gained up on Hanks and forced him to stop making these movies.”

“You know my rabbits have had sex a half dozen times since I came here.”

“Good for your rabbits,” Oz said with a smirk.

Zin examined the specimens. They were bipedal and wrapped themselves in several layers of cloth. “What’s with the fake skin?”

“All part of the mating ritual. If it progresses far enough, they will start peeling the fake skin off each other. I’m not sure, but I think it is so they can leave a trail to the mating chamber. That way, if someone comes in, they know not to disturb them.”

“This is too much. I say let them die out.”

“Oh look, the female is signaling. Come on, buddy, go for it.”

The two specimens kissed and groped each other. Soon, clothes were flying in all directions.

“Oh, this is disgusting,” said Zin. “When tangled up like that, how can you tell which one is male?”

“The one with the hairy ass.”

Zin grabbed a trash can and fought to keep her lunch down. “He didn’t just.”

“Sure did,” Oz said.

“Wow, this is like watching star cruisers crash. You hate to see it but can’t turn away.”

“I knew my secret ingredient would work.” Oz looked at Zin, smiled, and said, “Tequila.”

“Congratulations. Now, can you end this before I lose my lunch?”

“Sure, I’ll get the hose.”