SnapShot Fate

Hell is Real. Or at least that is what the sign said on our way up Interstate 71. Does that mean that hell is somewhere here in the cornfields of Ohio? How does the sign creator know it is real? I watch the sign fade away. Pressing my head against the cool glass and watching the world roll by from the middle row of our minivan.

We just dropped my brother Benji off at his dorm for his first year in college at The University of Cincinnati. I get most of his chores and his job on the farm until he comes back for breaks. That means I get to plan out the theme for this year's season. Our family owns a pumpkin patch and farmers' market. Benji over the past five years has created themed events right before Halloween and now I get to create my very own themes. Opening my sketchbook I adjust my seat, swiveling the tray, and take out my colored pencils.

“Let me see what your drawing Brennen.” My little sister Bennett leans over to get a peek of what I’m working on.

Everyone knows that I don’t like people looking at my work before it’s finished. I cut my eyes at her giving her a death stare. Quickly shutting the sketchpad and letting out a heavy sigh.

“Ugh, you’re so rude, Bren.” She folds her arms and twirls the curls in one of her afro puffs with her pointer finger.

“Hey Bren, how’s it going bud?” Ma looks over her shoulder at me with a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.

“Really Ma? I should be asking how you are. Dropping your firstborn off at college and all.”

“Benji’s a smart boy. He’ll do just fine.”

“Yeah, he’ll do aight, I think.” I pick up a colored pencil and start tapping out a beat. Ma looks forward announcing how many miles we have until we get back home. Pops taps the steering wheel along to my beat.

“Hey, drummer boy…” Ma looks back laughing and then stops abruptly looking at the seat that Bennett is in. She starts to shake. Her hands trembling and pointing in her direction.

“Brennen. Did. Did you do that? Did you buckle my baby girl's seat? Just like she was here?” The sob hitches in her throat on the word “here” and Pop pulls over to the side of the road.

“That’s ok honey, you just let it out. Just let it out, my love.” Pop’s voice is a deep baritone. It sounds like the blues. He’s stroking Ma’s hair now as she leans her head back.

I side-eye the little girl sitting next to me. Turn to a blank sheet of paper and write in all caps. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR A SEATBELT STUPID. YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD! LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO MA!

Bennett’s ghost rolls her eyes at me.

“Well, I’m used to being alive STUPID!” I’ll try to remember next time. I’m sorry Grinnin.”

I can’t help but smile at the memory of little Nay Nay following me around on the farm and calling me Grinnin because she couldn’t pronounce B’s for the longest time.

“Ma, hold on.” I get out of the van and open her door. She sobs onto my shoulder breathing in deep and playing in my locs.

“I’ll re-twist your hair when we get back home honey.” Ma whispers into my right ear.

“Sounds good Ma. I take off the Bearcats hat I was wearing to let her see the new growth. “I definitely need it.”

“Your old man is getting tired. Let’s check out that diner your Aunt Yolanda keeps talking about. It’s about an exit away.” Pops says, looking me in my eyes. He gives me a nod still keeping eye contact and pats me on the head.

“That sounds good sir.” I straighten. Puffing out my chest a little bit at his approval.

I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling of my room after we arrived back home. The last six months have been a wild ride for our family. I’ve overheard Ma and Pop talking several nights about putting me in counseling for what Ma calls my “lack of emotions in our circumstance.”

Pop said, “Louisa, he’s just going through the motions. I don’t think it’s hit him yet. He already has so much to deal with without her being gone.”

The thing is, how can I miss someone that is still here? Nay is gone for everyone else but not for me. I have seen her every day since the funeral. I wonder what he meant by “so much to deal with.” My life honestly, hasn’t changed. He could mean that I’m partially deaf in my left ear, but I lost most of my hearing in that ear when I was three. It’s just some genetic thing that is a part of my life. Grandpy Alcorn is the same way. Nobody bothers me about it really, except maybe for some loser kids at school, but I don’t worry about that none. He could mean that I’m the only Black farmer's son in our area. Again, that is just my life. I have had a whole farm to run around and have adventures on. My cousins in Columbus always want to come here. Not the other way around. Maybe being the only Black farm kid at a mostly white school. Hmm…either way, I hold my own.

Rolling over in my bed I notice the camera that started it all. On my shelf sits the Canon AE-1. It was six months ago that we laid Nay Nay to “rest”. She is buried on the property on a little hill overlooking the horse's stables. They were always her favorite animal. Each morning, before I went to school one of my chores, was to feed the animals. Every morning hot on my trail would be Bennett. Like clockwork, she would run up on my left side and jump on my back when I was feeding the goat, Miss Prissy.

“Ha didn’t even hear me coming did you!” She whispered in my right ear.

“Well, since you snuck up on my left side, no. But I did expect you. You gonna help me feed these critters?” I said imitating Grandpy Alcorn’s accent.

Bennett giggled and hugging me tight.

“Afterwards can we go ride the Neigh Neigh’s”? She whispered again making neighing sounds.

“Bennett, I have to go to school, we can ride when I get home.” I would say placing her on the ground.

“After. We can ride the Neigh Neigh’s after”.

After was something that I wasn’t sure we had. She had a rare childhood cancer. Bennett was first diagnosed with it and beat it when she was five. It came back aggressively about a year ago spreading to several organs. Her last wish was to stay home. So she lived her last days on the farm.

One day after school I went to find her to ride the horses and she was nowhere to be found. I had no idea how she would have snuck past Ma. I looked at the old barn with dread. I knew. I knew she was going to be in there.

Up in the hayloft Calypso, the barn cat laid across her stomach. Bennett must have used every ounce of strength she had left to get up there. I climbed up and laid her cold little head on my lap. Rubbing her bald head and tracing the outline of her little face with my fingers. The phone call to have my parents come to get her and to call 911 was a blur.

The entire community came out to the funeral. They put her in a frilly pink dress and a silky straight wig. She would have hated it. Actually, she told me recently that she did hate it. After church, she was buried in a plot near her beloved stables. The only thing about the funeral that she did approve of.

I have a habit of usually keeping my camera on me. Grandpy Alcorn had assured me it would come in handy one day. I don’t know if being able to see my sister's ghost is what he had in mind, but here we are. After the service, I wandered over to the barn. Took out my camera from the breast pocket of my suit coat and looked into the viewfinder.

“Aaahep!” The yelp that came out of me was half scream half cry. I saw my little sister that I buried less than half an hour ago dancing near the old red barn with restored pigtails, brown corduroy overalls, a white undershirt, and a flannel tied around her middle. I took the viewfinder away from my eyes and blinked hard through tears. She wasn’t there in real life. My eyes were playing tricks on me. Putting the viewfinder to my eyes again I clicked the shutter.

At that moment a familiar voice whispered in my right ear, “Bet you didn’t hear me coming.” Draining all of the blood from my body. The last thing I remember before coming to was looking at her face and screaming “Nay”!