Small Thoughts

Lim x-> ∞ = 3 Lim x-> -∞ = -6 in a straight line. A short line of possibilities, nothing extremely good, nothing extremely bad, which is a good thing on the bad part. Although even then, the negative is slightly worse than the positive, allows a bit more possibility that way than the other. It renders a simple question; Is it better to have something substantially bad yet interesting, or nothing noteworthy good or bad, yet boring? Although my mindset alters from time to time, I most often, including the moment of my writing this, believe that the latter be worse. Who would want to live the same boring life day in and day out? Maybe Joe and Pam had a baby, you get to go to their baby shower the day after tomorrow, interesting right? Maybe to the people who live monotonous lives.

Excuse that, they can't help it, some people are just not given the opportunity to leave that boring life in exchange for something interesting which they don't just enjoy in relativity to the other things going on in their life. But that my friends, is simply wrong. That ideal, the very conscience, the fact that it's on this document and that I will have to look at it later during editing, the simple thought of it and that someone can live their life thinking this disgusts me to a very large degree which I cannot seem to create a simile for. Anyone can change their life.

People, and myself included, will say "No, no... I don't think like that" and that you either enjoy your life as it is because YOU made it the way it is, or that you will enjoy it because YOU will create a future of which you enjoy to the upmost of your ability to architect such a life. And for those of you who say this and aren't merely tricking yourselves, I applaud, and hell it might be all of you. This is just how it looks to me, that most of you who do say that are really just liars. Of course, and not to just seem like I sympathize, if you do that, you probably just don't know it. I sure as hell don't.

If I'm gonna be honest here, I thought like that a while back unknowingly. But there was a point when I decided that I'm gonna die one day, it could be any goddamn minute, and I believe that when you die that's the end. Your conscience is gone, of course it will be as if you don't exist, because you won't, at least that’s how I think it'll be. I would love for there to be an afterlife but it just doesn't seem realistic, and though my thoughts of "afterlife" are actually incomprehensible to anyone who can hear, see and feel, I can almost understand it, and in truth, it scares me to death.

Life should be lived to the fullest, and no, do not mix that up with living stupidly. Sometimes I feel like I'm not though, and when I think of death, like really ponder it for a good bit, I realize all the things I should be doing, like meeting girls and making friends, socializing. But it feels like I'm held back by other people too much, far too much. And maybe I can blame them for that, but what will that ever solve, absolutely nothing. What should be done is to just create my own life, but sometimes that can seem difficult. Until of course, you really think about it.

Think like this; the question I asked earlier and my answer; something noticeably bad yet interesting is indeed better than something boring with small fragments of good and bad every now and then. And in my mind, I really believe nothing will ever go my way so rarely do I try to do something which may turn out interesting and good for me if it involves another humans image of me, such as love. I feel like I am unable to create a life I would love, even at home. If my home life is extremely bad, I can run away or go to a foster home, if boring, not really much I can do there, as far as I know. I've tried to do good but is any of it actually interesting? Not to me. I've grown bored of my life, and that disgusts me, I should make it so that I live in a way that interests me.

So let's work by a simple list of process by elimination. Can't (won't) work for good. Will not stand for boring. Pretty simple math there.

What are the two best ways to be a remembered? To be a hero, and a villain, as long as you do something really great (in a good way), or something truly fucked up.

So if I can't be the hero of my life story, because everyone knows that a hero needs a villain or to face some sort of evil or unmatchable odds, which I don't have on either accounts, I'm simply bored out of my mind and scared of it, my guess is that to really do something interesting… I should just play the villain.

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It’s thoughts like these that can fuel a flame.

When people think of terrible situations such as a loved one dying or receiving the bad news that you have some form of cancer, they never think “this will happen to me”. In fact, they can hardly comprehend it even when it does happen. So when people thought about the end of the world, or at least of mankind as they knew it, they would think about global warming and how it would lead to our demise in as little as a few decades. But they never thought about how that really could mean they won’t live to be old, or that their grandchildren won’t live to have kids.

This however was oddly enough not the end of mankind. At least not directly even though it did have an influence.

The little things are what matter. Large events can be triggered by miniscule actions which can lead to a complete change in the world. In this particular case, it is easy to picture that the world would end because of environmental factors, or nuclear detonations set by opposing countries.

The reality of what happened is that there was a disturbed adolescent who took his life into his own hands in an awful way. There had been many issues in their life that built up to it, but the final straw seemed to be watching the news and realizing that the world would end soon anyways because of environmental factors. So he thought “I can make my life interesting, and save it” and in a way, he saved the world at the cost of humanity. But not all of it was lost, and a fragment of humanity remained.

In the time following up to the demise of humanity, our antihero had brought about a cult following. These “helpers” would assist in the elimination of humanity and drove the world to chaos and when their job seemed to be done, some kept on “helping”.

You see, these helpers had the same thoughts as our antihero. There are many who do, and they may be sitting around you in the library at this particular moment. Most people never act on these thoughts. Most only think like this in times of distress. But the worst can be brought out in people and it did. Subconscious turned into lucid thinking which soon became action.

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Sinking.

Sinking.

The splashes of water are not far behind. And I could go back. It slipped and now it’s sinking. One of my final remnants of the past, of the time before the “New Beginning”. Even that was just a keeper of a memory. A locket, in the shape of a heart, with a picture of Sarah within.

The burning in my chest and the squealing of every muscle fiber in my legs cannot surmount the pain in my heart.

Wait… Why do those hurt too?

Running. Sinking. Running.

Running from the Helpers.

The world seemed to have ended so long ago, and it did. But my world hadn’t until recently. The Helpers got to her just a few weeks before now and sadly I could escape with this empty life. The only follicle of physical remembrance that stayed is now sinking in a river passed through in a fumbling rush for my life.

It seems so long since I ran into a human who wasn’t one of them. Even the ones I loved who hadn’t died. People become scared, and scared people are the most terrifying. With nothing to lose but their lives they chose to join the Helpers in fear. It is not unheard of for a Helper to kill their colleague, but it is less likely. They are the predators, and today I am the prey.

The rushing of the river is no longer heard and even if I turned back, I could never find that damned locket. What kind of life is this? Of running. My fate directed by those who plan to kill me. They don’t even know my name.

In times of distress, sometimes I laugh. There’s something funny in everything and this time it’s that if people just listened to a little more dépêche mode, maybe we would’ve gotten along.

“It’s obvious you hate me though I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve never even met you so what could I have done. I can’t understand what makes a man hate another man.”

As the laughter fades with my smile I discover an idea. Why don’t I take control this time? Why do THEY get to choose how I go? No…. NO!

Thoughts turn to action and I turn my feet. Before blindly rushing in, huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf, I pick up a stone in my right hand and search for a stick to occupy the left.

Voices from the way I came?

Shit. I forgot how many there are. I’m a dumbass. No. Breathe.

I gotta change this.

The voices are getting louder.

“Where’d that slimy shit go?”

“Well he didn’t look all that slimy to me, but seems like ‘e went off that way, see them rustled leaves?”

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When a mind is taken over by their fight response their consciousness can disappear, and this is precisely what happened to Samuel (or Sammy as his friends called him). There were no more thoughts of what to do, just instincts, and at times, pictures. The pictures he saw were those of him rushing the Helpers and bashing one of their heads in with a rock, and stabbing another with his newfound stick. In between these violent visions, pictures of his beloved Sarah, the animate version kissing him and smiling like she always did after a kiss would appear alongside pictures of the locket as it floated down an imaginary stream while it lay in the bottom of the real one.

His instincts followed closely to the violent images he saw, but reality proved different.

Hiding behind a tree, Samuel waited until he heard nearby footsteps, when he rushed out wielding his primitive weapons. Unable to judge their exact distance due to his mediocre hearing as it was interrupted by the blood pounding in his ears, he showed himself prematurely and found himself being the one beaten and stabbed.

The thoughts we have can be of little consequence, but when we take action on them, changes can be made. Faulty decisions can lead to dire situations, and some choices may change the world.