Silence

I never thought I would go to heaven; hell was the only option. I just don’t understand why hell is my bedroom.

The ringing in my ears echoed from one side of my head to the next. My ceiling spun fast, the sounds of the jingly loose screws barely holding the fan to my ceiling were subtle but there, like every other night. I was looking up at the ceiling fan, the ceiling fan.

“Shit!” I quickly sat up and smiled from relief. I never have close calls like this. My pillows are always stacked against the sides of my body. My seller, Jacoby, reminds me every time we meet to lay on my side to avoid choking on possible vomit. A simple precaution. I laughed as I clutched my chest, next time I’ll stack the pillows higher and maybe lay against the wall.

With wobbly legs I managed to stand up from the floor, I patted my pants pockets looking for my phone. My pockets were phoneless, so I looked down expecting to see my phone lying on the ground but what I found instead caused a cold shiver to run its way up my spine as I found two tanned feet with chipped black nail polish. Chipped nail polish identical to my own.

The air in the room grew thick as I followed my gaze from the feet up to the body. Dark blue jeans ripped at both knees, pillows scattered under them, a black shirt spotless at the bottom but covered in tonight’s dinner at the neckline. My breath caught as I looked down at myself, covered in vomit, eyes closed, and lips grey. I gasped as I went tumbling back onto the floor.

“I’m tripping, I’m gonna wake up and laugh in the morning.” I couldn’t pull my eyes from the body lying on my floor. She wasn’t moving, everything was still. I watched my chest to hope for a rise and fall, something to tell me I was tripping. I waited for the tingling in my feet, the coldness in my shoulders and chest but nothing ever came. I let Jacoby convince me to try fentanyl, he told me it was too much, but it would make me feel good. Man has some serious screws loose, fucking dope head with little to no brain cells.

I cautiously leaned over my lifeless body when the sound of static from the TV filled the room. From the other side of my room, the static overwhelmed me. The loud scratchy sound freaking me out. I ran over, leaving my body behind and tried to turn off the small box. I repeatedly pressed the power button, but nothing happened. If anything, it seemed like the TV got louder. “Holy shit!” I fell back giving up and clutched my ears as the piercing static became as loud as a full stadium and suddenly stopped.

Jacoby’s voice replaced the static. “What up, Kat?”

Replacing the grey and white static was Jacoby standing at his front door, his dirty green couch peeking out from the crack of the door. Even though he said my name I couldn’t see myself. I knew right away what I was seeing, the TV was playing my memories.

“Nothing, dude.” TV me said on the screen. My voice was low but came off irritated. It seemed like I wanted to come in because Jacoby stuck out his hand stopping me.

“Nah, wait right there, I got some people over. I’ma get your stuff.”

My hand smacked his front door, “Uh, no I-I-I was thinking of getting something new.” Jacoby looked taken back, his eyebrows creased, “I heard some people talking about Fen-“

“Nah, I’m not giving you nothing like that kid.” He interrupted.

“Why the hell not? I know you gave it to the kid in my class.” The hand on the door balled into a fist, “You’re always playing games with me. I’m paying, not I-IOUs this time.”

Jacoby starred at the TV version of me, he sucked at his pearl white veneers, they were unusually white and didn’t past as real. I could tell he was annoyed with me but looking back I don’t remember caring or even noticing at the time.

“What’s the problem with what I give you? You not appreciating my IOU.”

“No, no, no of course I appreciate you, I just don’t feel it anymore. I’m dreaming, man. You know I like when shit makes everything quiet. I j-just need something new and then I can go back to the old stuff. Just one try, I heard its three hundred.” Money was pushed at his chest, but Jacoby hesitated before taking it.

“Wait right here.” The front door slammed shut and I thought it was over but TV me leaned her head on the door and took a breath.

“Hurry up.” She whimpered softly.

The door swung open, and Jacoby handed the fentanyl. It came in a small square metallic pack, so I remember almost asking why it cost so much. TV me reached out to take it. My rainbow painted fingernails, and all caught the pack, but Jacoby didn’t let go.

“It will make you feel good, gonna hit you quick, don’t do so much or you’ll overdose. I ain’t there to help ya ass if you over do it. Needle that shit, dip a needle in and put it on your tongue.”

“Yeah okay, got it.” Jacoby tugged at the pack.

“You call me. You call me the moment you normal. You hear me?” Jacoby starred at Tv me with wide eyes, “No nodding ya head, tell me out loud.”

The view got foggy as TV me shook her head up and down fast, “Yeah, yeah I’ll call you but let it go.” She tugged firmly at the pack and Jacoby let it go.

The TV screen turned black. My stomach twisted and sharp pains like cramps hit me. I followed his directions exactly, everything except the needle. My head was racing last night, I wanted so bad to stop thinking and I didn’t bother to look around for a needle. I dipped the tip of my index finger in the fent. It wasn’t a lot. He always says I’ll overdose; he didn’t let me know how serious the shit was.

“I’m dead?” I whispered. I always thought death was peaceful. As a kid I hoped that I would be able to watch my family as they mourned and let them know I was with them. I never wanted to die I just wanted everything and everyone to be quiet.

Tears filled my eyes and slowly made their way down my face. My breath caught in my throat as I hiccupped on my tears. The crushing weight in my chest felt unbearable as I curled up and tucked my knees to my chest. “I just wanted to stop the pain.” I cried, I gasped and cried harder. Crying was a waste of time, even when dead. It never solved anything for me but suddenly I couldn’t stop. My heart pounded, “I don’t want to be here!”

I wouldn’t be here if he didn’t leave me. I’m supposed to die and see my father again, not die and suffer alone. “Please, please.” I begged. Thoughts of my mother laying over my father’s cold body rushed in me. Then there was my mother smiling at me at the dinner table, the smile never making it to her eyes. Then us moving away to our new apartment, her looking tired from work after her third time in a week doing a double shift. Something she never had to do when he was alive.

“You hang out with your new friends a lot, have any time to spare for me baby?” Her voice broke every time she asked me to spend time with her. Now it echoed in me. She would smile at me, always smile at me even when I know she didn’t feel like smiling. I just wanted her to say how she really felt, wanted her to tell me that she wasn’t okay. We’d finally spend time together and sometime during the night she would comment on how much I remind her of my father. Then everything would get quiet, and I’d watch her eyes get dark, watch how the blue became black and how she bit the inside of her cheek as she held back tears. Her emotions were so loud even though I never heard her cry.

If she would just stop looking for him in me, everything would get better, I would stop. I wouldn’t feel the need to avoid her, I would be able to cry if she didn’t seem so broken inside. I wanted to not feel so alone in my grief.

“Baby? Katherine, baby wake up.” A soft whisper of my mother’s voice came from behind me, where my real body laid. I wiped my tears from my eyes and turned looking for my mother. Even though I knew I heard her voice I was completely alone in the room. My bedroom door was still shut, the body still covered in vomit.

“Oh my god, wake up!” She yelled out in panic. I stared at my body waiting to see my mother, knowing that she had found my body. The slightest movement of my body told me my mother was touching me, trying to get me to wake up. Everything in me wanted to run over, hold my mother but I couldn’t even see where she was standing.

“Oh, my baby, don’t leave me too.” She cried; I could hear her sniffle away her running nose. The hair on my body moved out of my face and continued to flow as she ran fingers through it. “Help is on the way. Just stay with me.” I tucked my legs in tighter to my chest, with my eyes closed I imagined the way she would stroke back my hair every time I laid my head on her legs when we watched TV.

“I did this to you, I’m so sorry Katherine. Just don’t die on me, I’ll take all the blame, I’m not angry with you.” I looked over to my body. The cries of my mother floated through the room.

“I just wanted you to be there for me. You wouldn’t cry with me, I just wanted to cry. You abandoned me.” As soon as I finished speaking the sounds of my mother’s cries were all gone. The room was an eerie silence, nothing to be heard, not even the sounds of the loose fan screws. I don’t know how much time passed but I sat there, head buried in my knees.

“No one needs you to be the adult, Kat. That’s our job.” My father’s deep voice sounded from the TV. It was exactly how I remembered it, weak and hoarse from all the radiation but deep enough to remind you of an audio book narrator.

“Promise me you’ll think of yourself. Work hard in school and smile every day for me.” Lifting my head from my legs I looked at the TV. My father’s dark skin was surprisingly pale, his lips slightly blue. Growing up he was fit and healthy but the version of him on the screen had hollow cheeks, big eyes, and no hair. His long thick hair ripped away from the treatments.

He lifted his head and laid his forehead against mine in the Tv, “Think of me every time something amazing happens. I want to be there when you need me most.”

“I promise.”

I remember memorizing every facial feature that night at the hospital. I needed to take in everything about my father. Something I could tell my future kids if they asked about their dead grandpa. TV me starred at my father as he fell asleep. His breathing becoming shallow and slow. She stroked his cheek, watched the rise, and fall of his chest softly counting the seconds in between each inhale and exhale. We all felt it in the air, knew he would die very soon. No matter how positive the nurses were with us, I knew in that moment looking down at my father that I only had a little time left to take everything in. He died the night after my visit, alone because he ordered me home to go to school the next day.

I stood from my spot on the floor and approached the TV. A pit in my stomach weighed me down as I touched the screen, following the same motions of TV me. I leaned my head against the screen the same time TV me leaned down and kissed our father on his forehead.

“I promised you. I did this.” I whispered, my voice cracked with emotion as I sniffed, “I’m so sorry I hurt you, dad.”

I starred at the screen until static replaced my father’s face. I gasped for air and hugged the loud screen willing it to bring him back, “Bring him back.” Crying with each word I slammed my hand on the screen. “Bring!”

“Breathe.” Voices said around me.

“Him!” I hit the screen harder this time, the glass fracturing under my fist.

“Breathe.” The voices around me were louder this time.

“Back!” The screen shattered around my hand; the loud static that once overshadowed the voices instantly went silent.

“Clear!” My body flew back onto the ground away from TV, as a voice yelled out. The room around me spun. The ceiling fan rotated faster and faster above me; ringing filled my ears. “Again!” The first time I felt every shock but this time there were only tingles of heat that spread on my chest.

I turned my head over where my body would be but found the spot empty. Nothing left except pillows and vomit. Everything around me grew dark and cloudy, my room fading as I closed my eyes.

“I promised.” I mumbled before I took my last breath.