Shrink Rap

By the time Milo got to the door, the package was there but the man who delivered it was already gone. The package was wrapped in brown paper, which was unusual, and it didn’t have any familiar labels or markings. No postal service logo. No Amazon smile.

Milo was a cautious boy. He was home alone. He closed the door and went back inside to his laptop. He looked at the recent video from the doorbell camera. There was a tall man with a cap pulled down low over his eyes, walking swiftly to the door and setting the package down, and then turning and walking away just as quickly. Suspicious?

As far as Milo knew, his family was not expecting a package today. But they were also not expecting a bomb. His mother sold real estate. His father was an accountant. Why would anyone want to blow them up? Milo had few friends, but also no real enemies. Certainly, none who would go to the trouble to send him a bomb. Frankly, none who were smart enough to know how to make one. His sister … well, at most she was mildly annoying at times. None of his family was bombable.

He could wait until his parents came home. But someone might steal the not-bomb before then! Milo was a cautious boy, but he was also a little curious. He went back to the front door and opened it.

The brown-paper-wrapped package was still there.

“So, is it a suspicious package?” he muttered, leaning down for a closer look.

“Absolutely! Suspicious of you!” announced a voice coming from the package.

Suspicious, delicious, and not at all malicious!

I’m a one-boy toy

And I’ll open if I can,

But man, you gotta scan

To see if it’s for you!

True dat, dog, s’all true!

Milo was so shocked that he jerked back and sat down hard on the threshold. He realized there must be a recording somewhere in the box, but still …

On closer examination, he saw a printed label stuck on the wrapping paper, directed to “Milo.” There was no return address. So, the package was meant for him!

Milo cautiously picked up the box. It was not particularly heavy. There were words printed on one end:

BROWN PAY-PER RAPPING

Xtra Special Delivery: Scan Here

This was followed by one of those QR code squares with fat and skinny lines.

Milo carried the package into his room, since it was addressed to him, and pointed his phone at the QR code. He clicked a picture of the code, and an odd screen appeared on the phone:

BROWN PAY-PER RAPPING COMPANY

Rhymes with reason

Pleasin’ for every season

Charges may apply

But first you must identify.

“Charges” was worrying, but Milo did not have a credit or debit card, and he didn’t see how they could make him pay for anything.

“Identify” was highlighted, so Milo tapped on the word. A new screen appeared, from something called the “BackAtcha 2Face” app, prompting him to take a selfie.

“Stranger danger” flashed through his mind, but by now Milo was feeling just a little reckless. He clicked when his face appeared in a capture box on his phone.

“Possible match for Milo” appeared on the screen, below his image. In the picture, he looked a little tired, sad, and bored.

“Second image required,” the app prompted, and the camera box reappeared, along with a helpful prompt: “Try smiling!”

Milo looked into the phone camera and forced a smile. He realized suddenly that he didn’t often smile. Where did they find an image of him smiling to compare for ID purposes?

Click!

“Identification confirmed.”

The screen returned to the BROWN PAY-PER RAPPING app. Milo’s phone started playing a hip-hop beat, with a male voice rapping lyrics:

That’s just enough joy to prove our boy’s

still got what it takes to make some noise

‘Cuz we got a job in the Lands Beyond

for Milo the Bored, but he gotta be strong!

So step it up, if you think that rocks

Grab a shiv and open the box!

“Um,” Milo hesitated. “What was that again about ‘charges’?”

Don’t matter much what anybody say --

Anything good, they’s a price to pay!

Maybe cash be the toll, maybe muscle or time,

For Milo, it’s learning how to reason and rhyme.

“Okaaaaay. Let me get something to open the box first. I don’t think Mom has any shivs in the kitchen drawer.”

After struggling briefly with a pair of scissors, Milo got through the Brown Pay-Per Rapping and slit the box open. He pulled off some packing foam and found a headset with goggles and earphones.

Milo looked back at his phone. At the top of the screen was the slogan,

Explore Lands Beyond

Underneath was the word “Next.” He tapped on it.

We are VR, put it on, turn it on, get it on!

Do it now before we’re gone!

Virtual reality, that’s what they say, but hey –

We’re as real as what’s in you, night and day,

What you think, link, blink it’s past --

We can stick it in your brain and make it last

Help you peel the onion, peel it, feel it, hold that thought

Keep it all together so you know what you got.

Not quite understanding what the song was getting at, Milo checked the headset. It seemed to be fully charged, although it came with a USB cord for recharging. It paired easily with his phone and laptop, where he quickly found the company’s website.

“And what did you say it will cost me?”

He felt silly talking to the app on his phone, but nothing came on when he placed the headset on his head. Darkness and silence there.

Don’t mean to be rude,

But you gotta rhyme, dude,

or we’re all screwed!

“Huh. This program is very … personalized. And it doesn’t seem to like me very much. Sorta reminds me of gym class. Ok, rhymes. Not really my thing. Here goes:”

“Roses are red, violets are blue,

I’m a human being, so what are you?”

Milo’s a white guy, tight guy, am I right, guy?

Lame, same-same, brain-dead name game.

I’m just A.I., but even I can reach for the sky

You can do better, man, but you gotta try.

Ouch. Burned by an artificial intelligence. Milo dug deep and came up with this:

“Too much loneliness, onlyness, need a new perspective

Let me go to Lands Beyond and play detective!”

Now you’re talkin’ man – shazaam!

And Milo nearly fell over when the darkness inside the goggles lit up like dawn, birdsong filled his ears from the headphones, and he found himself gazing in wonder at a richly-rendered landscape of fields and meadows, woods and hills, with the rooftops of a small town visible in the distance. He knew it was computer-generated, but it looked so real, it sounded so real, it felt so real. Shazaam!

Milo turned this way and that, watching a crow fly up from a fencepost, marveling at the shape of a cloud in the blue sky, reaching up to a tree branch and taking an apple – it crunched when he took a bite! He started walking up a twisting dirt road toward the village, noticing the leaves fluttering in the breeze, tossing away the apple core, barely aware he was in VR, losing all track of time …

“It’s about time,” a voice muttered from behind him. “You’re late.”

Milo looked around, startled to see a large, floppy-eared dog trotting up to his side.

“46 minutes, 32.6 seconds, to be precise. And your pulse rate just went way up. I can tell, you know.”

“Wha … what are you?” Milo stumbled to a stop.

“I’m a FitByte, of course. Name’s TOX.”

“Because … you can talk?”

“I get that a lot. No, TOX, T-O-X. For Temporal Optimization Xenotransplant.”

“Temporal as in time?”

“That’s it. Designed for keeping time and body measurements. Optimally.”

“Xeno …”

“Xenotransplantation. Cells from two species – canine and human in my case. The Lands Beyond have more than their share of Mad Scientists. Mad crazy and mad angry. My guy was both. You should see my brother DETOX.”

“So, you’re a FitByte, and you keep time and pulse rate and stuff like that, but people don’t wear you on their wrists?”

“No, I’m not a WatchDog. They’re over in the next county, Barking. More Mad Scientists there.”

“I don’t mean to be rude, but who needs a large animal to tell time?”

“Tell time what? Time just is; I wouldn’t presume to tell it anything. I keep track of it.”

“Well, ok, but back home I do that with my phone, or I could use a little wristwatch.”

“Really? Would your phone let you know that you were running fast? Like too quick to judge people? Or running slow, like not brave enough to open the box and come help the folks in the Lands Beyond? Or doing one of the worst things ever and Wasting Time? Does your little wristwatch thingy keep time that precisely?”

Milo looked perplexed and then thoughtful. TOX continued.

“I didn’t think so. You really need a FitByte, or at least a decent WatchDog. In VR you do, anyway. Other places, I don’t know so well. Maybe you’ll have to get by with some other gimmick, like a Con-Shunts, to let you know when to go where you’re going. Where are you going, anyway?”

Milo shook his head.

“I don’t really … I’m new here. I guess I need a guide, TOX!” Milo improvised a little rap:

“You’ll do for my crew!

That’s right – you’re fit for bit of a byte

So talk, TOX

What’s the story here? Why did the Rapper want me near?

What is it ‘xactly I’m s’posed to rap up, pup?”

Milo smiled to himself. Maybe he was starting to get into the rhyming thing the Rapper had in mind?

TOX looked up at him doubtfully.

“Woof. Well, to be succinct, the Lands Beyond are a mess. That’s what happens in Virtual Reality when Real Life gets dull and nasty. VR is what’s in people’s heads. It has to start with colors and feelings and clear thinking from Real Life.”

“Real Life is overrated,” Milo commented sourly.

“Then there’s no hope for us here,” TOX murmured sadly, his floppy ears flopping a little lower.

Milo couldn’t help feeling sorry for him, and he felt badly about saying something so cynical. He reached down and patted the dog’s head.

“I thought it would be better if we could save the Princesses.”

Milo perked up at that.

“There are Princesses?”

“Of course. In the Castle in the Air. Princess Rymz and Princess ReZun. Except now that the Demons of Dumdown have locked them both in the Dumjun, everything’s falling apart. People are fighting all the time. The governments don’t work. Kids barely go to school. Nobody knows how to fix the stuff that’s broken. We still have cable, but there’s not much good on.”

TOX sighed and wiped away a tear with a floppy ear.

“The Princesses knew how to figure things out, and with a song and a smile. They kept the beat. Now there’s no Rymz or ReZun.”

“So, I’m here to save the Princesses? Awesome!”

“You got a lot to learn, boy. We’re just in time.”

“Ok. We have to save the Princesses. We can pick up some quirky teammates along the way. And learn a lot of new stuff in this little world. Which is just a smaller version of the bigger world, right? And get into the rhythm …”

They headed toward the village together, Milo riffing:

“Big load on my shoulders, road full of boulders,

Sun in my eyes, still crackin’ wise

Words trippin’ with my feet

Brain bendin’ with the beat,

See you at the Castle, ladies, Castle in the Air

See you there!”