Shell Shock

The train lurched slowly up the steep tracks, closely hugging the side of the mountain, the bright morning sun glinting off the stainless steel carts. There was a loud thud as it further slowed approaching a tunnel carved through the mountain. Fiona sat up stiffly in her seat, her eyes blinking rapidly before she rubbed them with the palms of her hands. She squinted out the window as the darkness of the tunnel gave way to snow-capped mountains. She rubbed her eyes a few more times and repeatedly looked out the window. Her heartbeat began to quicken and pound loudly now as her eyes scanned her surroundings. She looked down and lifted up a small crochet blanket that was wrapped around her legs, she held it in front of her curiously before placing it aside. She leaned forward and swung her head down scavenging the ground beneath her. She retrieved a small brown purse that was stowed below her feet and began frantically going through it while occasionally stopping to look out the window before looking back into the bag.

“You ok dear?" Fiona paused her search and looked up at an elderly woman sitting across from her, her hands wrapped around some crochet needles, yarn strewn about her lap. A sweet slightly plump woman with short curly white hair that fell below a pale blue hat that matched a pale blue dress. Fiona looked over at the knit blanket she had tossed aside.

“You looked cold last night, not sure how anyone could sleep shivering like that, train or no train it’s still the alps,” the old woman quipped half giggling her cheeks slightly blushing at her own joke.

“The alps?” repeated Fiona looking out the window before returning to the contents of her bag. She pulled out a passport and held it in her left hand while using her right hand to continue to rifle through the bag. She pulled out lipstick, a scarf, and a small compact mirror, but the rest of the bag was empty. Fiona flipped open her passport, there was a small stamp with the seal of Switzerland marked May 25, 1945, and her face staring back at her, but with the name Adrianna Golden next to it.

Fionas’ lips silently mouthed the name Adrianna as the door to the car rolled open. A rugged-looking young man about 25 in a leather bomber walked in, “Addie you’re awake.” He sat down and placed two cups of tea on the center table.

“Who?” asked Fiona, the man shook his head. “Addie please don’t,” He pined. Fiona stood up abrubtly, “Look I don’t know who you’re calling Addie, I don’t even know who you are or why I’m on this train.” Fiona explained standing up and looking around.

“Addie sit down,” the man grumbled.

“Sit down, I don’t know who you are, My name’s Fiona, I live in Paris, I don’t…” The man stood up then and placed his hands on Fionas’ shoulders and pushed her down with enough force that her knees buckled and she landed back down in her seat.

“I’m sorry Addie but I’m tired of having to do this.” he explained, he turned around and grabbed a briefcase from the overhead compartment. He brought it down and sat it on his lap. It clicked as he opened it and there was a small pile of photos on top of a stack of paperwork. Fiona bit her lip as she eyed the contents from afar and the old woman’s crochet needles stopped clicking. The man handed Fiona a stack of photos. There was one of the two of them outside on a bridge, another of him in his uniform with his arm around Fiona, and another with them at a restaurant surrounded by friends. Fiona stared at the photos, her eyes scrutinizing every fine detail.

The man took a sip of his tea and sighed as he leaned back in his seat, resting his head. “I’m Edna,” The elderly woman interjected briefly looking up before quickly returning her eyes to her sowing.

“Oh hi,” responded Tom, bringing his gaze back to eye level. Fiona sipped her tea as she continued to look over the photos her head occasionally switching over to the view of the mountains outside. “Sorry I would’ve introduced myself sooner, but well.” he paused nodding his head at Fiona. “I tried to get us our own car but with the war ending and everyone moving all over the country, visiting family, trying to get home it was impossible.”

Edna nodded slowly and returned back to her sowing. "look mister” began Fiona.

“Tom, it's Tom, Your Fiance, Tom.”

Fiona placed the photos down on the table along with her tea. “I’m not sure what’s going on but my name is Fiona, Not Addie, I don’t know you and I’m certainly not engaged to you.”

“Your name is Adrianna Golden, you were a nurse in the war, I have no idea what happened while I was gone, But we’re gonna figure it out ok kiddo” Tom explained placing his hand on Fiona's knee.

“I know my name…” Tom squeezed Fiona's thigh so tightly that she couldn’t help but wince a bit.

“Just rest Addie, please just rest.” Fiona rubbed her head again looking out the window. She and the elderly woman exchanged troubled glances before Fiona eventually sat back. Her eyes fluttered a bit as she rested her head before she eventually nodded off. Edna looked up at her then over at Tom.

“Is she going to be ok?” Edna asked, “Pardon me if I’m being too forward.”

“I hope so, apparently not everyone is cut out to be a war nurse,” he explained.

“Is it shellshock, can nurses get that, my nephew has that, never the same since the war” Edna commented.

“Not really sure what happened honestly, when I was away she was a nurse at a triage center near Paris, we wrote to each other pretty often, then one day she stopped responding, I didn’t hear back from her for months, I was scared she had run off with another man” he chuckled.

“Well what happened?”, Edna asked.

“I got back, found out she had left the hospital and was working at a cafe, so I go to the cafe, she doesn’t recognize me and on top of that she’s calling herself Fiona.” Tom explained. Edna had abandoned her needles now and was hanging on to Toms every word. Tom stopped then and rested his head back again.

“What does her family say?” Edna asked, still leaning forward.

“I can’t find them, honestly I never actually met them, they live out in the country, I wrote them several times, but they never responded,” he explained

“I see,” answered Edna her forehead scrunching up a bit as she returned to her sowing.

“Hey, do you mind keeping an eye on her for a bit while I grab some air?”

“Oh, well of course” Edna watched as Tom left the car before she reached over and put the blanket back on Fiona. She looked out the window and sighed as the mountains passed.

The jolt of the train abruptly slowing down to take a sharp turn stirred Fiona from her sleep. She sat up and looked about, “Did I fall asleep?”

“Oh yes dear, you must’ve been pretty tired.”

“I still feel tired, do you know where Tom went?” asked Fiona.

“He stepped out to get some fresh air, quite a bit a go” Edna added looking down at her wristwatch. Fiona stood up and grabbed Tom's briefcase, she looked at the photos once more before setting them aside. She gasped at the sight of a form with the letterhead that read,” Montreux institute for the mentally Insane.” Fiona snatched the form from Toms’ briefcase, her eyes quickly scanning over the contents. The name Adrianna Golden was filled in, along with a list of symptoms, “ delusional, psychotic, hysteric, confused about identity”. “Oh no no no no,” she exclaimed

“What’s a matter, dear?”

“He’s having me committed, I’m not crazy Edna, I have to go, I have to get out of here,” Fiona explained shoving the photos and papers back into Tom's briefcase and grabbing her bag.

“Where are you gonna go dear?”

“I don’t know, I’ll just have to get off on the next step.”

“The next stop’s not for another 14 hours, this is the express train” Edna added. “Your husband asked me to keep an eye on you, he seems to really care about you.”

“He’s not my husband.”

“Well it seems a bit odd, him going through all this trouble. You know the war has been hard on everyone, and it affects us all differently.”

“I don’t think the war made me forget my name or who I am”

“You never know, My nephew thinks there’s Germans hiding in our cellar.” “Do you remember being a nurse?”

“No, no just the cafe?”

“What about Tom?”

“I suppose he looks a little familiar, but I can’t imagine he’s my husband.”

“Well that’s a shame, he’s quite handsome.”

“Is there a dining cart?”

“Of course dear, its two trains down.”

“Thanks”

Fiona stopped to use the bathroom on her way to the dining cart. She stared at herself in the mirror turning her face from side to side. She looked down at a ring on her finger with a small diamond mounted on it. She pulled it off her finger and studied it under the light. There was a small inscription that read to my one and only Addie. She held the ring in her hand for a moment before slowly placing it back on her finger. She pulled her passport out of her bag and stared at it again, her index finger tracing the name Adrianna next to her photo. “I know I’m Fiona,” she affirmed out loud. "I'm Fiona...., Dammit" she exclaimed hitting the sink with her fist. She walked into the dining cart and ordered herself a tea with biscuits. She sat along the window as the sun was beginning to set casting orange and yellows across the mountains outside. Had she slept the entire day?

She closed her eyes and pictured the cafe back in Paris. She could hear customers calling her name, she could see the register, the rush of people on the sidewalk outside, but then everything began to shift and blur. She watched as the dapper ladies and men on the sidewalk became nurses and doctors. There were stretchers now where moments ago there were tables, men were in pain, some were screaming, there was blood and nurses yelling. Fiona squirmed a bit as the images whirled around in her head, a dizzying kaleidoscope of mismatched memories.

“Your tea and biscuits miss.” Tom chuckled as the cup and plate clinked down on the table.

“Oh thanks” Fiona replied opening her eyes and sitting up.

Tom slid into the seat across from her. He was quite a handsome man. Auburn hair brushed back split down the side, dark hazel eyes that still somehow shimmered in the light. “You know the doctors at Montreux have a lot of experience with wartime trauma.” he explained.

Fiona shot him a sharp glance. “Edna said you seemed upset about what was in the briefcase.”

“I don’t know what’s real anymore.” “Yesterday I was Fiona, living in a cute flat in Paris, today I’m Addie, Tom’s wife, and I’m off to a mental asylum.”

“You’re not my wife, we’re engaged, I proposed to you before the war, on the Ponts De Arts.” he added.

“I do love that bridge”

“I know, don't you remember Addie?" he pleaded.

“Nothing makes any sense, I can’t.” Fiona paused looking outside, “I can’t even remember yesterday.”

“It’s ok darling, we’re going to get it all straightened out, I promise.”

Fiona finished her tea and set the cup back down on the table. “I think I’ll head back to the car now.” She stood up and immediately had to place her hand on the table to steady herself.

Tom hopped up and quickly tucked his arm inside of hers. “Still with the dizzy spells I see,” he observed.

“Yes, I suppose, I just can’t seem to wake up” she yawned. Fiona fell asleep as soon her head hit the headrest back in the car. At one point in the middle of the night, she woke up in the darkness while everyone else was asleep. She pulled the crochet blanket on her a little tighter. The dark blues and blacks of the nighttime mountains passed, and she stared at the juxtaposition of her face against the background rushing by. She watched the way her reflection seemed to shift and change with the changing hues and colors, till it became so dark her reflection just disappeared.

“Morning Addie”

“Morning”

“Should we go get some breakfast?”

Tom and Addie had a delicious breakfast of croissants with fresh fruit and honey and steaming hot tea. “We’re only an hour away now,” Tom explained as Addie sipped her tea.

“Oh”

“I understand you’re scared Addie, but I’ll be there with you.” Tom grinned as he reached across the table and held her hands in his and gave her a reassuring squeeze. Addie forced out a weak smile.

As they turned to leave, a voice from across the dining cart yelled, "Fiona, Fiona is that you?”