Seen

I sat there, head in my hands as my nether regions exploded out everything that my mouth had consumed in the last 24 hours.

“It doesn’t work like that,” he would say any time this happened, “it takes much longer for the food to go through your digestive system. What you just put in your mouth doesn’t come out of your ass twenty minutes later.”

Well. I am no doctor, no scientist. My highest level of education is a general associate degree from the local college. I did know, however, that if I ate certain foods, this happened. Every. Time. Ate certain foods or-

This night was brought on by my actions. I heard a phone ding. Not mine. He forgot his when he went out tonight. I dared him, stupidly. I dared him when I said I didn’t think it possible that he could go to the bar and find someone willing to come home with him and to his wife. I didn’t mean for it to come out. But it did. If I was more important to him. If I was-

He took up the challenge. I know because there was a woman texting him, and I responded. Said I was his roommate. That’s what I was, right? If I was more, he wouldn’t have risen to the dare. And there was the proof he was actively pursuing. This woman though, the one who believed I was roommate, he slightly missed the mark. She was interested, that was evident. But jealous. She succeeded in winning a phone number. But. His attention was elsewhere. On a skank, according to the jealous woman. Someone who goes to the bar every weekend and goes home with someone different every time.

Oh, jealous woman. I will not enlighten you. I will not tell you that it is you, your jealousy. It was because of that in a way, that his attention moved on. If he tried to bring you home and succeeded, you would have slapped him when you saw me. Not because I was the wife per say, but because you were not the top woman.

What you did do, what I have inferred from this conversation, is that he might actually succeed. When all I wanted was for him to say to me was “No. This is not what I want. I don’t want anyone but you”.

I am not that different from you, jealous woman at the bar. Woman that I will never meet.

My hand. It seemed like it was vibrating. Is that my vision? Did I push too hard and am now going to face the indignity of passing out on the toilet? I looked at the other. It was shaking as well. Is my whole body on this crusade to shake my brains back into my skull?

Oh look. Jealous woman is pretty mad that he is leaving with another woman.

Does this mean the ball is back in my court?

Doesn’t this answer all the doubt since the first time? No, not my first time. He was my first everything. The first time I am referring to is the first time that I knew that there was at least one other.

Clean up. Turn the shower on. Scrub the cracks and the crevices with the water scalding the skin. Nothing had to be decided. I could be wrong. Jealous woman could be wrong.

Get out. Dry off. Pull that extra-large soft as butter t-shirt over my head. Did the vibrations settle into my heart? It’s not pounding, the blood is not pumping and thumping in my ears. This is like a shiver in my chest, disconnected from my breath. A drink. Isn’t that what people do in this situation? Crown. He drinks crown. There is usually a bottle. Ah, there. A shot. Just throw it back. Coughing, Spluttering, I think I just spit half of it onto the cabinet. Mixing it with soda would be a good idea. But. No. I don’t want to dilute it again. Don’t spit it out. Smaller sips. Does this make Crown my drink as well? Or just the default.

This is the way it’s going to be. Will it stop if I become a willing participant? Is this what I want?

Is this what I want?

What I want?

I just want him to want me. And only me. But I know I don’t reciprocate, in the physical sense, one hundred percent. But the emotional? In that I will always need my sisters, my friends, to fill the spaces he never quite can, one person can’t be all.

So maybe-

Maybe it’s okay I can’t be his all. Maybe. Maybe if I go through with this, it will be what he needs, these spaces I can’t fill.

Choosing time is nigh. The front door creaked open. The front door creaked shut. The bedroom door has opened. I don’t quite remember retreating to the bedroom. I had just been in the kitchen getting the drink.

He is giving me time to say no. But if I say no, it will always be my fault. I am the reason - I am not enough.

And here I was, back in the kitchen. She is there, hair dark as night and skin alabaster white. It’s like she is a real-life fairytale except laced in dark, the way fairytales where originally told with death and consequences beyond imagination. This fairytale that evoked jealous woman’s wrath.

Fairytale is fascinating.

She is making sure that I am actually okay with this. She didn’t quite believe whatever words he gave her at the bar.

I need more to drink, how much have I had to drink?

The blinds are open here in the kitchen. Can anyone see in? And then-

Our lips were touching, hers and mine. For this moment I forgot about everything. This moment wrapped us up and took us from time. This feeling of being seen by someone who didn’t even know me. She acknowledged me.

Another drink, it tastes sweeter now. Another. But what was I drinking? Her lips? Or the alcohol?

The night passed in a blur. But the end…

I was back in the shower. He was alone on the bed. I rested my head on her bony shoulder.

“Ah, this is what you wanted all along,” She kissed my forehead lightly, holding onto me as the water poured around all the cracks and crevices.

“I see you.”