See No Evil, Smell No Evil, Eat No Evil

Psssst.

Hey you.

Down here.

Yes me, I’m talking to you.

Don’t look around.

Yes, me the slice of chocolate cake in the display cabinet.

Yeah, I’m talking to you.

What, you think a slice of chocolate cake can’t talk?

Don’t look so surprised.

That’s better, lean in closer.

I may merely be a slice of chocolate cake, but I’ve been sitting here watching people for years, maybe even decades.

I really don’t know, after all I’m just a slice of chocolate cake, I have no concept of time.

I’ve seen a lot over the years and oh boy have I got some stories for you…….

Ding!

Excuse me that will be the bell, another customer I see.

She’s a regular.

Her hips don’t lie, she comes here ahhhh llllot.

Keep your eye on that one.

Apparently, soooo I’ve been told, a bit of a klepto, too.

You know as in kleptomaniac.

You think I can talk.

Well, one time when she was in here, a piece of gum fell out of her purse.

Oh my, talk, talk, talk, talk.

This piece of gum would not shut up.

Spent two days laying on the ground spilling his guts about everything she got up to.

Apparently, she likes to five finger discount the perfume samples in Macy’s, among other things.

Got caught once.

Explains why we didn’t see her in here for a while.

Thought she had gone on a health kick.

Apparreenttly, she spent a few weeks in the big house, if you know what I mean.

Take a look at that.

She’s putting the sugar sachets from her table into her bag.

Oh no, don’t do that, that’s embarrassing, now she’s going for the salt sachets.

Woman can’t help herself.

Whoa, whoa, who’s rocking my plate?

The noob doesn’t realize I’m just here for display.

No, no put me down.

I’m no longer fit for eating.

You’ll get a very sick customer if you give me to them.

Don’t worry someone will set them straight soon.

That’s right put me down.

Nice and gently.

I may be stale but no need to treat me so roughly.

Wheeew.

That was a close call.

We had a similar incident with a display slice of lemon cake last year.

It wasn’t so lucky.

Made it all the way to the table and a customer had cut a bite off and was just about to shove it in her gob, just as the manager realized the debacle.

I’ve never seen a cake fork ripped out of a hand so fast.

Before you could say rainbow sprinkles the cake was swept into the bin.

Never to be seen again.

All the display cakes were devastated to lose a friend in such a way.

For some reason, it never seemed to upset us to see the other cakes get eaten.

You see, we have two categories of cakes.

Eating cakes and non-eating cakes.

None of the cakes on display are for eating.

All the cakes for eating are kept out the back.

Probably better that way, as they don’t get to witness the carnage before their destiny.

At first, I was annoyed that I had been singled out and exiled from the rest of my cake like that, but over time I came to realize it was a stroke of luck.

To be honest.

I have no idea why they segregate us out like that.

It doesn’t make an awful lot of sense to me, but I’m not complaining.

Ding!

Another customer I see.

Take a look at this one.

Bit rigid.

Looks a bit constipated.

Are you suffering luv?

That reminds me of a story.

We had an apprentice once.

He didn’t get along with the manager.

Put laxatives in all the cakes.

I tell you.

It was brilliant.

I have no idea how much he put in but O M G it must have been a fast acting one.

Customers running every which way.

Before they’d even finished their coffees.

Oh boy what a mess.

Glad I wasn’t that apprentice or the cleaner.

Nearly shut the café down.

Fortunately, the owner rode through the bad press and I’m still here.

Ding!

Excuse me.

Ah look at these two love birds all loved up.

Oooooo, it’s the judge but that isn’t his wife.

Oooooo, she’s a new one.

Can’t keep up with the old codger.

He comes in here a lot too.

Not often with his wife though.

Poor luv, don’t think she has the faintest idea about his extracurricular activities.

Or maybe she just doesn’t care.

Who knows.

I wouldn’t put up with that kind of behavior myself but each to their own.

That reminds me of a story about another judge.

We get a lot of judges coming in here with the court being just around the corner.

Silly codger must have accidentally double booked himself ……… snigger…….or maybe it was his secretary.

You know, she wasn’t too happy when he broke things off with her.

Anyway the judge came in to find both the mistress and the wife sitting at separate tables.

Gasp.

When the wife realized what was going on, what a scene.

Plates, cutlery flying everywhere.

The mistress was no better.

The wife ended up splatting a lemon meringue pie in the judge’s face and told the mistress she could have him before storming out.

Then the mistress slapped him in the face and stormed out.

Never saw any of them again.

Ding!

Oh, look two more customers.

Busy day.

The one in front is famous but pretends he’s not.

The one behind isn’t famous but pretends he is.

Calls himself an influencer.

An influeeeencer!

Pleeeeeease, I get more likes as a stale slice of chocolate cake.

The irony.

Everyone always wants to be something they’re not.

I always wanted to be a slice of hummingbird cake until I found out it had pineapple in it.

That’s not what real cakes are made of.

Ding!

Oooooh, this nice lady.

She comes in here every day and flirts with that guy sitting in the corner.

Yeah, the grumpy one over there.

Bitcoin billionaire.

Well would be but for only one small problem.

Has over 100,000 bitcoins even at today’s low market whoa, what a fortune.

Only problem is he can’t remember his password to get into his digital wallet.

Only has one attempt left before he’s locked out forever.

Foooreeevverrrr.

Poor thing, he’s so busy wallowing in self-pity he can’t even see that this lovely young lady is head over heels for him.

She has no idea he’s sitting on a fortune he can’t access either.

Seven years he’s been coming in here.

Sits at the same table every day.

Just sitting there.

All melancholy like trying to figure out that damn password.

Look here she goes over.

Smile, leans in, O M G man if she flirted any harder, she’d be NAKED.

WAKE UP man!

There she goes off to get her usual latte.

Oh wait.

Here’s a turn up for the books.

He’s asking her to take a seat.

O M G he’s offered to buy her a coffee.

Seven years man, she’s been waiting for this moment for seven years.

Bout bloody time.

Look at them chatting away.

Big smiles on their faces.

It’s the first time, I’ve seen that bloke smile in seven years.

Amazing.

What’s he doing now?

Why has he just suddenly gotten up from the chair and walked off.

Weirdo, why’s he walking back and forth flapping his arms around excitedly.

What are you doing man?

You’ll scare her off.

What’s he doing now?

What’s that weird gadget in his hand he’s playing with.

O M G.

O M G.

Did you see that?

He just remembered the password to his digital wallet.

He’s hugging her.

He’s hugging her.

Look at her.

She has no idea what’s going on.

OOOOP, she does now.

O M G.

He’s down on one knee.

She said yes.

Did you see that?

She said yes.

I don’t believe it.

That is so beautiful.

I need a hug.

Oh, stop crying carrot cake.

Ding!

Hey where’re you going?

You’re missing all the excitement.

Don’t you care this man just became a real bitcoin billionaire?

Obviously not.

Oh no, don’t insult me like that.

Don’t take a slice of hummingbird cake with you.

Do you know it’s got pineapple in it?

Of course, you know there is pineapple in it.

Hey, just because there is pineapple in it, doesn’t make it the healthy choice.

Lard arse!

PINEEEEEEAPPLE!

Seriously!

Who puts pineapple in a cake?

Pineapple is for cocktails, not cake, not pizza.

OK, maybe it’s acceptable on pizza but not cake.

COOOOOCKTAILS!

PINEEEEEAPPLE IS FOR COOOOOCKTAILS!

COOOOOCKTAILS!

Fine just go then.

Phisst

I’ll just have a chat to the billionaire then.

Hey Mr. Bitcoin.

Don’t suppose you have use for an ancient slice of chocolate cake?

The next NFT perhaps?