Secrets

My best friend is dead. Well, legally. Actually she’s sitting right next to me, trying to stay awake during Mr. Humperdinck’s dry seventh period class.

She’s in seat #6 of 10, row two of two, seat one of five. I spend a lot of time studying my classmates and it’s vitally important I remember everything, so numbering seats helps me stay organized. Every seventh period, when I get bored, I run through everything I know.

My best friend’s name is Celeste – or, it was Celeste before she threw herself out a window to break Kim (#2)’s fall off the school rooftop. Kim made it, Celeste didn’t. Of course, Celeste is actually a faerie, and those freaky blighters are blasted hard to kill.

She goes by Trisha (#6) now. She uses fae magic to disguise herself – which is a bit disorienting because I can see through it and to me she’s a terrifying, white-haired and covered in ancient blue markings so I keep forgetting everyone else sees and hears a perfectly mild-mannered schoolgirl who doesn’t have a Welsh accent thicker than my twin brother’s skull.

Courtney (#9) sees her real form since she’s a faerie too (distant cousin). Nobody else can, though Lauren (#5) and Timothy (#10) know about Trisha (#6) though not Courtney (#9).

Humphrey (#3) thinks he knows what Trisha (#6) and Courtney (#9) are. I told him they’re aliens. It’s a lie, but I had to tell him something once he saw them grow an entire garden in 20 seconds.

Why not the truth? Tried it. Didn’t work. He refused to believe in magic or faeries no matter what we did.

He doesn’t know Trisha (#6) used to be Celeste, though the other three do. But only Lauren (#5) knows about that time Trisha (#6) maybe killed Fred (#8).

She thought the dude was annoying, so she transmogrified him into a mouse and chucked him in the zoo’s snake pen.

I managed to persuade her that murder is not an acceptable conflict-resolution strategy, so she begrudgingly said she’d “fix him” then opened the snake and carried his possibly-dead body away to fairyland. She brought him back, alive and human, but I’m starting to suspect it’s not the same individual. He has no memory of the event and he’s been acting weird.

Plus Lauren (#5) said he smelled different. It was a nightmare convincing her to keep quiet. She tends to tell these things to her boyfriend, Tim (#10).

They’ve been dating for two years, which everyone knows. But Tim (#10)’s also trying to hit Courtney (#9), which basically everyone except Lauren (#5) knows.

Then again, if I were dating Lauren (#5) I wouldn’t want to break up either. Not just because she’s the star of the soccer team and the karate club so she’s jacked beyond reason, but because she’s also a werewolf.

Don’t worry – she knows. So does Tim (#10). It’s something they’re dealing with – or should be – if Tim (#10) wasn’t a dirty two-timing cheat. And of course, neither of them know that Lauren (#5) is also a werebear.

You’d think she’d recognize the signs. But then again, her biggest werewolf tip-off was her absences from karate practice. But now Trisha (#6) has been helping her by impersonating her with fae magic whenever she can’t make it, so we had a solution ready-made when she started disappearing on new moons as well as full ones.

We’ve been meaning to tell her. Honestly. But the werewolf and werebear communities have been fierce rivals for a long time, so while she knows her father is a werewolf I’m not sure she also knows her mother is a werebear. It might be a shock. And Lauren (#5) isn’t the easiest person to talk to at the best of times. Plus if we told her now we’d also have to explain why we didn’t tell her earlier.

Eh, Her own mom should tell her. Eventually.

Anyway, I’d be proactive about the Lauren-Tim-Courtney problem except that Courtney (#9) only has eyes for my brother (#4). In fact, they already dated for nearly a year, but he doesn’t know that. See, since Courtney (#9) is a fae too, if you’re familiar with the Celeste/Trisha thing you’ll quickly grasp the Deja/Courtney situation.

Neither Lauren (#5) nor Tim (#10) know that Courtney (#9) is a fae too. Humphrey (#3) knows that she’s another “alien,” though.

Deja dated my brother (#4), but they had a fight, so “Deja” left the school and “Courtney” (#9) showed up. She misses him badly but doesn’t have the guts or the humility to apologize, so she’s trying to seduce him from square one.

I can’t tell if it’s working or not. My brother (#4) learned not to talk to me a long time ago.

He’s probably got other stuff on his mind. The life of a secret government agent doesn’t leave you with an abundance of spare time.

He’s assigned here to hunt down an alien spy believed to have infiltrated this classroom. These aliens are supposedly “malicious, (classified), (classified), and intent on (classified)-ing our (classified) in order to (classified).” He tells me it’s vitally important that we “eliminate” the alien with “rapid and extreme prejudice” – right after we find out who it is.

It’s Humphrey (#3) in case you were wondering. Nice kid.

He likes to draw, and he keeps trying to get me to watch My Little Pony. We want to start a D&D campaign, but can’t find the players. Or time.

We have to make sure Trisha (#6) and Courtney (#9) don’t find out, though. They think the game’s very offensive for some reason, so we have to tell the people we invited (my brother (#4), Lauren (#5) and Kim (#2)) not to tell them. I’m sure Vivi (#1) would love to play, but we can’t trust her to keep it secret from Courtney (#9).

Anyway you might think my brother (#4) is a nasty dude, but he’s actually really sweet. To animals, at least. He discovered a cat lived behind the gym so now he saves a bit of his lunch for it every day. He loves that little cat.

Or he did, until I killed it in a freak whaling accident.

Long story. Don’t ask.

He still saves a bit of lunch and goes back there every day to see if the cat’s come back.

Only Tim (#10) knows. He insisted I tell my brother (#4), and I promised I would. It was a lie. He keeps trying to help my brother (#4) “process his grief,” which is very sweet but also very troublesome from my perspective. Luckily my brother (#4) is thicker than Trisha (#6)’s Welsh accent so he hasn’t caught on yet.

I hope he starts dating Courtney (#9), and soon. Both to cheer him up and to shut down Tim (#10) and Fred (#8).

Oh, did I mention Fred (#8) has also been hitting on her?

Fred (#8)’s a werebear. I can’t let Lauren (#5) find out, but it doesn’t help that he runs off to play superhero every new moon. He’s got a bear cape and everything. He dashes around the suburbs bashing bandits and spouting one-liners before waking up in the morning with no memory of his antics. Or his un-bear-able puns.

You’d think him rather charming if he wasn’t such a creep in human form. He follows Courtney (#9) around everywhere, constantly doting on her and taking absolutely no hints whatsoever. He’s got a shrine to her in his locker. Plus, Trisha (#6) told me how annoying he was back when he was following her around a couple months ago.

I should probably warn the class about him, but I won’t. Don’t worry, I have a very good reason for that. Or, I did. Then I forgot it. Now I’m too scared to act until I remember what it was.

Plus, if Trisha (#6) realizes he’s back at it, she might kill him. You know – again.

On an unrelated note, Trisha (#6) has a crush on me. I did find out about it, and she knows I found out about it, but she’s pretending she doesn’t because she doesn’t know I know she knows I know about her crush on me and she wants to play it cool.

I think I (#7) kind of have a crush on her too, but although I’m not sure what all the rules about fae are I’m pretty sure dating one is a bad idea.

Also, she terrifies me.

Anyway, I’m tempted to tell Fred (#8) that he’s a werebear… but Courtney (#9) is a big fan of his werebear form after he saved most of the cats from a freak whaling accident, and he does not deserve that kind of clout.

For now it’s probably fine to leave them alone. Courtney (#9) pays no attention to him – and if she ever does, she can just turn him into a mole rat or something.

Funny how my sense of what constitutes “a crisis” has changed since starting high school. After watching Kim (#3) jump off the school roof and my best friend die breaking her fall, it’s hard to phase me.

Oh, right. I haven’t mentioned the rooftop incident. That was actually Kim (#3)’s fourth suicide attempt. Out of nine. That we know of.

Of those nine, three were successful. It doesn’t make sense to me either, but this is the world I live in.

Each time, she comes back the next day with no memory of her success. I’m still trying to find out how. My current theory is that she’s some kind of Asian nature spirit. It’s hard to figure out, because she doesn’t know herself and we can’t risk her finding out or she might find a way around whatever’s resurrecting her.

Oh, and we are trying to help her. Just FYI. Me (#7), Trisha (#6) and Lauren (#5) keep trying to get her into therapy. My brother (#4) joined us, but we can’t tell him about the reviving thing or he’ll think she’s the alien.

Okay… is that everyone? Oh! One left. Possibly the most dangerous and tragic of all.

Vivi (#1).

She’s the sweetest, most delightful shortie on planet Earth. She wants to be a nurse, so she carries a med kit with her wherever she goes and will not leave even the slightest papercut unattended. She brings cookies on everyone’s birthdays. Everyone loves her.

The tragic part is that she’s just too pure for secrets. Can’t keep them, hates when other people do. That’s why nobody tells her anything.

She lives in a world of totally normal people with totally normal lives. She greets everyone every morning with the sweetest smile and the cutest Spanish accent on imaginable.

There’s an unspoken consensus among the entire class to preserve her innocence. Whoever breaks that will have hell to pay.

I hate to think what’ll happen if she finds out her class contains two faeries, an alien, two werebears (one of whom is also a werewolf), a government spy, a God-knows-what-Kim (#3)-is, a player, and a nasty little secret hoarder.

It kind of makes me question my existence. After all, I’m the one collecting everyone’s secrets and actively keeping them secret. Am I really the good guy, here?

…but then I remember that if all these get out, Lauren (#5) will kill Tim (#10) and Trisha (#6) will kill Fred (#8) (assuming he survives his battle with Lauren (#5)) and Kim (#2) will kill herself and my brother (#4) will kill Humphrey (#3) (and possibly Courtney (#9) too). And at some point EVERYONE will try to kill me (#7), but Trisha (#6) will kill them all in my defense, right before she kills me herself for letting it all happen.

Ugh. Deep breaths, buddy. I only have to keep this up for three and a half more years. Just focus and smile. Just remember why I’m doing this.

That’s right. I love my classmates. Sometimes dumb, sometimes weird, sometimes violent, these guys are like family to me. And I love each and every one of them.

Except maybe Fred (#8). Someone should beat some sense into him.

I might get my wish – I think Lauren (#5) saw the inside of his locker last period. She’s giving me looks… she’s going to grill me after class for anything I know. I’ll have to play dumb. Not easy with her – she can smell fear, and she doesn’t trust me after I tried to hide Kim (#2)’s issues from her. I’ll have to make double sure she doesn’t find out Fred (#8)’s a werebear… an interspecies brawl would make me late for Trisha (#6)’s dance recital.

Speak of the devil – there’s the bell. Off to the races.

Wish me luck.