Schadenfreude

Lazy eyes and a noose in my backpack, with no one but myself to use it on. There’s not much that goes well these days like what my sister did to me, trying to talk to her proved to be arduous.

So I hounded and followed her, but I was jilted. She was suppose to come with me to Tenzil City, she’s in a new era of her life and I don’t have a shoe on my feet, my stomach groused at the pain it causes me to think of her.

She is suppose to fail when I fail and lick the slugs off my feet, and when it rains her body should be my shield. But she’s not here, cars go by and disappear as if they were never there, as if they don’t see me. Except it’s a long strip of road and I am the highlighter they always forget, tied up in some tangled thread in the bottom of their bags.

There are overgrown shrubs behind me and not enough space between me and the cars, I could cross now that the road is empty but looking so far ahead it seems like one would loom above the line and I am tuckered out.

If I squint hard enough I could see someone coming to help me, but that’s only just a distant dream and maybe this is my punishment for chasing after my sister in anger on foot, trying even then to compete with her semi - trailer truck.

It’s not fair how she gets a cosy life and I get whatever scrap life gives me, how does she get to drive a truck being so tiny and I am just out here under this big grey sky with nothing to protect me from the elements?

As it gets darker I have to bite the bullet and cross over so that I can at least sit on the grass and watch the sun go down. Being so low to the ground, I could see the cracks in my story and now I am feeling compunctious for not going along with her to support her, to be her listening ear. The sun is going down but on the other side where I was, a car just went by, not slowing down even if just for the view.

I would rather be asleep than to notice my saliva in my mouth and swallowing too many times that my thirst is not quenched. My eyes are dry from being here for so long and all I have with me is a noose that serves no use. My left leg is dead with pins and needles and the hairs on my arm is raised, like feeling wet but fully clothed and no way to comfort myself with too big of an empty space.

Screaming at the sky, I spin around like a screwball not knowing which way to go getting blind by the darkness and hearing no sound, not even the bird or even any distant wailing. My equanimity is failing me as I sat back down and fall backwards onto the grass.

But I’m not dead yet, I still have energy to recall the day I emptied a box of spiders in her bed and drove her truck into a tree. To her I became the very thing I thought was chasing me, I thought there was something in the air preventing me from doing anything.

No.

It was my own acrimony, my own mind and my own dubiety. If only I focused on one thing and mastered it, I could be someone that I could be proud of but the chill is biting me and the darkness makes me more of a nobody.

I should be happy that there is a truck coming, that it was lit up like a merry go round and seems to be slowing down, but as it got closer I wonder if this person is convivial. Dragged by strong arms I was taken up the steps into the truck, afraid to lay my back against the seat, I sat slouching refusing to see what creature sits beside me.

‘Your room will be in my basement, you will speak only when I tell you to.’