Saving Amber

Amber's heart pounded as she stood poised over the bathtub with a razor in her hand. It wasn't so much that she was afraid it would hurt; however painful it might be, she was sure it would be over with quickly. Nor was it so much that she feared the afterlife; she'd never really given it much thought, but whatever it would be for her, it had to be better than what her life was like now.

Her hands shook, memories of Bruce's lust-filled eyes haunting her. She wasn't so much worried about Jade; her older sister had a life of her own in California, and she knew that he would certainly never shed a tear over her.

She turned on the tap and held her wrist out, preparing to slash it deeply with the razor.

"No! Don't do it!"

Startled, she turned to see a tall, slender boy watching her. He had light brown hair, freckles, and soft hazel eyes. Something about him seemed vaguely familiar.

"How did you get in here?" she asked when she could speak again.

"Please don't hurt yourself, Amber." He sidestepped her question. "It's not worth it. You could have a future with children and a loving husband, a family who will love and cherish you."

Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "How do you know my name?"

He held out his hand to her, ignoring her question once again. "Give me that thing."

"It's sharp," she told him. "It'll cut you."

"I don't think so." For the first time, he gave a slight smile. Too startled to protest, Amber meekly handed the razor to him. "Don't you remember me, Amber?"

She shook her head.

"I'm Danny!"

For a moment she just stared uncomprehendingly, and then it hit her like a bolt of lightning. Danny!

He laughed at the expression on her face. "You do remember me!"

"Why, yes, of course I do...but how..."

"I came back to keep you from doing a very foolish thing. You're only sixteen, Amber. You have your whole life before you, and you were just about to throw it all away."

Her eyes filled with tears. "You don't know." She stared at her feet. "I'm pregnant, Danny...by him." Briefly she glanced up to see that, rather than being shocked, he seemed to be simply waiting for her to continue.

"It started not too long after he married my Mom," she went on. "The way he looked at me always made me feel uncomfortable. I told Mom about it, but she said I was just imagining things. Then he started touching me in places he shouldn't. He'd caress my breast or squeeze my bottom. Once he told me he'd give me a candy bar if I'd let him see me naked. I refused, of course. Then one day I was alone in the house with him when he came up behind me and grabbed me and forced me into the closet. He put his hand over my mouth so I couldn't scream, and then he made me take my clothes off and...do it with him."

Danny didn't say anything, but his eyes were soft with compassion.

"Afterwards he told me that if I ever told anyone, he'd kill me. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to say anything, anyway. He did it to me a bunch of times after that, and then one month my period didn't come. I bought one of those home pregnancy tests and took it, and it came back positive." She looked at him forlornly. "So you see, there's nothing else I can do!"

"Of course there is," Danny replied. "You have to tell someone right away!" He took her hand and led her to the police station. Although it was several miles from her house, it seemed to take no time at all, and she didn't get the least bit tired.

"I hope you're happy!" Amber's mother, Helen, glared at her daughter. "He's dead now, and it's all your fault!"

"No, it isn't," Amber replied. "I told the police what he did to me because it was the right thing to do, but I didn't make him hang himself in jail." Somehow she knew that it simply wouldn't do to tell her mother about Danny, at least not at this point.

"You lied about him to the police, that's what you did!" Helen's eyes blazed with fury as she confronted her daughter. "You had him arrested because you had a crush on him and was jealous that it was me he was with instead of you, and just look what happened! If it weren't for you, he'd still be alive!"

"It wasn't my fault!" Tears streamed down Amber's face. "I didn't want to do it with him, but he forced me!"

"You little whore!" Helen hissed. "Because of you, an innocent man is dead! I want you out of my house, right now!"

Amber was shocked. "But where will I go?"

"You should have thought about that before you did what you did." Helen's voice was cold, uncaring.

Devastated, Amber began to pack her things. As blinded by love as her mother had been, she knew Helen would never have believed that Bruce would be capable of raping his teenage stepdaughter. She decided that the only thing to do would be to hitchhike to California and try to find Jade. With a deep sigh, she opened the door and left her house for what she was sure would be the last time.

No sooner had she stepped onto the sidewalk than she became aware that someone had fallen into step beside her and looked up to see Danny. Angrily she turned away from him and began to walk faster.

"Hey." Lightly he touched her arm. It was the first time he'd touched her in three years, and it felt perfectly natural and human.

"My life's even more screwed up now, thanks to you!" She jerked her arm away in annoyance.

"Please listen to me, Amber. I can help. I know of a place you can go."

"I'm going to California to find Jade."

"You don't have to go all the way to California. I know of a place much closer that can help you."

Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "What are you talking about?"

He reached for her hand. "Come on. I'll take you there."

"I'm so sorry, Amber," the emergency room physician told her. "We've managed to get your bleeding under control, but unfortunately, we weren't able to save your baby. The good news is that, with a few weeks' rest, you should expect a complete recovery."

Amber had very mixed feelings. On one hand, she was relieved that she wouldn't have to go through pregnancy and childbirth, as the thought of both terrified her; and on the other hand, she couldn't help but wonder what a baby from herself and her perverted stepfather would have been like. Would it have inherited its father's violent, unnatural urges? Or would it have been more like her? Now she'd never know.

"He's in heaven." She turned her head to see Danny sitting in a chair beside her bed. "He had a chromosomal abnormality that would have made his survival on earth impossible, so God in mercy took him now rather than later."

"So I would have had a son?"

Danny nodded. "You'll see him again someday, and when you do, he'll be perfectly healthy and whole."

Amber felt a mixture of relief and loss. "I wonder if this is how your parents felt after you...after what happened to you."

"They were devastated," he told her. "I wanted so badly to comfort them, to tell them I was fine, better than fine, but unfortunately, it wasn't possible."

"But why wasn't it possible? Why couldn't you have gone to them like you came to me?"

"I was still too new, too unaccustomed to my bearings. To have attempted to cross back over in the state I was in then would have been out of the question."

"But you can go to them now, can't you?"

Danny shook his head. "It doesn't work that way. I volunteered to come back for you because I saw that you needed me. They've all adjusted well and moved on with their lives. To reappear to them now would disrupt the new life they've built together."

"So do you mean you'll just abandon me when you decide I don't need you anymore?" Amber demanded shrilly.

"I swear to you, Amber, I'll be with you for as long as you need me."

"And what if I never stop needing you?"

"Get some rest now, Amber. You're tired."

She was released from the hospital the following day. Danny was with her. "Where am I gonna go now?" she asked. "I can't go back to Our Father's House because I'm not pregnant anymore, and I can't go back home because my Mom's still mad at me."

"I'm taking you to the Social Services Department," Danny replied. "They'll find a good foster home for you, I promise."

Amber's eyes went wide. "But I don't want to live with strangers!" A thought occurred to her. "Please, Danny, can't we just go back and live with your family? I always thought they were so nice, and I know they'd be happy to have you back."

Danny sighed. "I already explained the situation there," he said patiently.

"Then couldn't I just stay with you?" she asked.

He grew thoughtful. "Let me see what I can do."

"It just hits you at the weirdest times," Maggie said to her best friend, Bailey. "Yesterday, a new kid in school asked how many brothers and sisters I had, and without even thinking about it, I told him I had two big brothers. Then I remembered and said no, just one now. My other brother died."

"You never really get used to it," Bailey replied. Her twin sister, Brittney, had been killed in a car crash almost two years earlier. She and Maggie had met in a support group for teens who'd lost a close relative. "People are always asking me if I'm an only child, and I'm always forgetting and saying 'no' at first."

They'd reached the library, where Bailey wanted to search for the lyrics to Brittney's favorite song. She wanted to include them in a special memorial service she was putting together for the second year anniversary of Brittney's death and had had no luck searching for them on the internet.

"Well, I'll see you around," Maggie told her friend as she turned to head back home.

"Yeah, bye." Bailey climbed the stairs and entered the library, where her eyes immediately went to the circle of computer monitors at which various people sat. The back of one head looked strangely familiar, and it took Bailey only a split second to realize why.

"Brittney!" For that split second, she forgot that she was in a library. Several heads, including the one that had so commanded her attention, turned in startled surprise.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry." Bailey's face was beet red as she stammered her apology. "It's just that...you reminded me of my sister."

"That's all right," the girl replied. "Is your sister missing?"

Bailey shook her head. "She's dead."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the girl replied. "It's hard to lose someone you love, I know. My name's Amber."

"I'm Bailey. My sister's actually the reason I'm here. I wanted to look up the lyrics to her favorite song. I didn't have any luck finding them on the internet. It's kind of an older song. That's probably why."

"What song is it?" asked Amber.

"'Forever In My Heart' by the Rosebuds."

"Hey, I've got all their CD's!" Amber began, then remembered. "Had all their CD's."

"What happened to them?"

"They're still back at my house with all my other stuff, but I can't go back there 'cause my Mom's still mad at me."

"That's terrible! Where will you go, then?"

Amber shrugged. "My friend was going to help me find a place. He told me to just wait here in the library, but he never came back for me."

"You can come stay with us, if you like," Bailey suddenly decided. "I'm sure my folks wouldn't mind if you stayed in Brittney's room."

"Are you sure that would be all right with them?"

"I don't see why not."

Amber felt tremendously relieved. Maybe she'd already found a place to stay, after all.

Bailey's mother, Susan, was very surprised to see Amber but readily agreed to the proposal that she stay with them, temporarily, at least. "Great!" Bailey exclaimed. "It's almost like having a sister again!"

Her words made Amber think of Jade. It's really been too long since I talked to her, she told herself. So much has happened, and I need to at least let her know I'm OK.

Amber liked her new room. It was painted light pink and had a bed with a matching frilly pink quilt and even a pink lampshade. It looked very feminine, and joy of joys, it boasted a computer. Amber logged onto her Facebook account right away and clicked on her sister's profile.

I'm with a new family now, she wrote. I had to leave home because of Bruce. I met Bailey Anderson in the library. Her sister died, so her family has room for an extra person. Her Mom seems really nice. She hesitated. Should she tell Jade that Danny was back? Somehow she felt it should be a secret; yet, on the other hand, perhaps Jade had the right to know. After all, Danny had been her boyfriend, not Amber's.

It was Danny who helped me find a home with the Andersons, she finally wrote. He's been back for awhile now. He's helped me a lot. If it weren't for him, I don't know what would have happened to me.

Taking a deep breath, she pressed the 'send' button and hoped for the best. Susan called her to dinner then, and she met Bailey's father, Paul, for the first time. He was a nice-looking man with a full head of dark brown hair and mournful brown eyes. Amber wondered whether he ever really smiled. To her he seemed permanently sad. She felt terribly sorry for him.

On Monday she started school with Bailey. It was a different school from the one she'd attended when she'd lived with her mother and stepfather. She was glad, as it would have been terribly awkward to have had to explain everything that had happened to her.

Over the course of the week, Amber slowly began to feel as if life was finally back to normal again. Soon she was busy with classes, homework, and after-school activities. On Friday night she went to a movie with Bailey and her friend Dara, and on Saturday the three girls went roller skating together. Jade was waiting for her at home when they got back.

"Where is he?" she demanded.

"What are you doing here?" asked Amber. Bailey just looked puzzled.

"Bailey, this is my sister, Jade," Amber said. "Jade, Bailey. What are you doing here, Jade?"

"I came to see him, of course. Where is he?"

"I'm right here." Suddenly Danny was there, dressed casually in t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers, as always.

"Danny!" Jade lunged at him and tried to hug his neck.

"You shouldn't have come here, Jade," said Danny. "You belong in California, with Gideon."

"But you're the one I love, Danny!" Jade wailed.

Danny shook his head. "What we had is over, Jade. I came back for Amber because she needs me. You don't."

"But I do need you!" Jade protested.

"No, you don't. You have Gideon now."

"But I gave my virginity to you!"

"And I gave mine to you." At Danny's words, Amber felt as if a knife had been plunged into her heart. So Jade and Danny had slept together.

"Well, doesn't that mean anything at all to you?" asked Jade.

"It did at one time," Danny replied. "But it doesn't anymore. Go back to California, Jade. That's where you belong now."

Jade was crying now. Danny turned away from her and looked at Amber. He held his hand out to her, and she took it. They walked along together silently for awhile.

"It upset you to find out that Jade and I had sex, didn't it?" Danny asked quietly.

Amber nodded. "It just seems so unfair! She voluntarily gave hers out of love, but mine was stolen from me in a very cruel way!"

Danny shook his head. "You didn't give it voluntarily, so you still have it."

"Danny, can you still...you know..." She blushed.

"Why do you want to know?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I was just curious. That's all."

"I still have a body, don't I? So I can still do all the things a person with a body can do. Look, Amber, we were young, only seventeen, and we made a mistake. Don't make the same mistake I did, Amber. Wait until you're older, and you're sure it's the right time."

"What are you exactly, Danny? Are you a ghost?"

He laughed. "Ghosts don't have bodies, do they?"

"Well, what are you, then?"

He grinned. "What do you think I am?"

She frowned in concentration. "An angel?" she asked after awhile.

"So you've heard of us."

"Well, of course I have! Is that really what you are, Danny? An angel from heaven?"

"That's where we come from, yes."

"Is heaven really as wonderful as I've always heard it is?"

"It's even better."

"And you left all that just for me?" Amber was astounded.

"Sometimes we miss human companionship."

"But why me?"

He laughed again. "Why not you?"

Amber's head spun from all the new information she'd just received. "So when do you have to go back?" she asked Danny.

"Not until I want to," he told her.

"So we can hang out together sometimes, then?" Amber asked hopefully.

"I'm all yours." He grinned and held his arms out to her. "What do you want to do?"

"Well, you know. Go to movies and stuff like that."

"What movie would you like to see, Amber?"

"Well, I didn't mean right now, necessarily. I just went to see a movie with some friends last night. I've got some homework and stuff I need to work on this evening."

"That comes first, you know." Danny looked very serious. "I know it didn't always for me, but I hope you'll learn from my mistakes."

In her creative writing class the following week, Amber's teacher, Mrs. Williams, asked the class to write a poem about someone who'd had a major impact on their lives for an upcoming poetry contest. Amber only had to think for a moment before composing hers in free verse.

Danny

An empty chair at the table

A ragged pair of sneakers in the hall

A bicycle parked in the garage

Lyrics to a song never sung

Like the breeze on a hot summer day

You were here for just a moment, then forever gone

The pictures you drew for me

Memories of the times we shared together

I'll treasure forever in my heart

Amber was so absorbed in her thoughts that she almost didn't even hear the bell ringing for her next class.

"What happened, Jade? God, I was so worried!" asked Gideon.

"It's my little sister, Amber," Jade told him. "She was in a really bad car crash over the weekend. I had to rush right back to make sure she was OK. I didn't have time to tell you before I left."

"Is she all right?" asked Gideon.

"Yeah, she was lucky. She just got banged up a little. She's already out of the hospital."

"That's good." Gideon grinned. "Now, come here and let me show you how much I missed you."

"Today, I'd like to announce the winners of the poetry contest," Mrs. Williams began. "We have two honorable mentions, 'My Father' by Bryce Cousins and 'Aunt Rhonda' by Janie Phelps. The third place winner is 'My Sunday School Teacher' by Will Patterson, the second place winner is 'Mrs. Banks' by Leslie Summers, and our first place winner is...'Danny' by Amber Cartwright!"

I can't believe it! Amber said to herself. That's the first time I've ever won anything in my entire life!

"The winning poems will be displayed in the mall, and Amber's poem will go to district for the chance to win a fifty dollar prize," Mrs. Williams continued.

That Saturday, Mrs. Anderson went to the mall to look for curtains and took Bailey and Amber with her. As they walked past the food court, Amber saw where the poems were posted on the wall and noticed that Danny was standing there, reading her poem. She walked over to him, and he looked at her and smiled. "Nice poem," he remarked.

Suddenly she felt very shy. "I'm glad you like it."

"Did you really save them?"

"What?"

"Those pictures I drew for you."

"They're still at my Mom's."

"Oh." He looked a little sad. "Well, I appreciate it, anyway. I'm very touched that I made that much of an impression on you."

Oh, Danny, if you only knew how much, Amber wanted to say.

"Say, did you still want to go to that movie?" asked Danny.

"Sure!" Amber replied. "I'll check and see what's playing."

"Never mind that," said Danny. "Is there a particular movie that you'd really like to see?"

"Well, I've always wanted to see the original version of 'Ice Castles'," Amber replied. "But I know it wouldn't be playing anywhere now..."

"That's all right." Danny grinned. "I'll pick you up at seven. How's that sound?"

"Great! I'll be ready!"

She was dressed and eagerly awaiting his arrival when he showed up at exactly 6:55 PM that evening. He greeted Mrs. Anderson and Bailey politely, then turned to Amber. "Ready to go?" he asked her.

He took her hand and, with a gasp of surprise, she saw that suddenly they were standing in the lobby of a 1970's movie theater. Amber looked at Danny and saw that he now wore a white polyester John Travolta jump suit and elevator shoes. She looked down at herself and saw that she was wearing brown-and-yellow checked bell bottom slacks and a wispy yellow blouse.

Shocked, she looked back at Danny, who only laughed.

"Well, we don't want to stand out from the crowd, do we?" he asked.

"The crowd?" She glanced around to see that all the other patrons were similarly dressed. Too stunned to say anything else, she went with Danny to buy the tickets and popcorn and soft drinks. "I can't believe how cheap everything is," she said in a low voice so that only Danny could hear her. "I've never seen prices like this."

"Me neither," he replied. "Cool, huh?"

Secretly she wondered where he got money from but thought that it might not be a proper question to ask. While watching the movie, she felt Danny's hand slip into her own, and a thrill went through her. "I hope you enjoyed it," he said as they were walking out together afterwards.

"I loved it!" she replied. "I wonder if Lexi ever got her sight back or not."

"Well, even if she didn't, she found out that she could still live a happy, successful life," said Danny.

"I couldn't imagine not being able to see anything but just light and shadow."

Danny laughed. "Well, you'll just have to be more careful on skates than she was, won't you?"

Amber grew quiet all of a sudden.

"Hey, what is it?" asked Danny.

She shook her head. "It just occurred to me that if Hector had been more careful...well, never mind."

"That really hurt you, didn't it?" Danny asked softly.

"Worse than anything in the world!" she exclaimed. "Jade was the one everybody felt sorry for, of course, but sometimes at night I used to cry in bed when nobody could hear me. I thought I'd never see you again. I didn't know you could come back."

"Only if there's a good enough reason," Danny replied.

"What was it like to be in heaven for three years?" asked Amber.

"It's kind of hard to explain," said Danny. "It's just more wonderful than you could ever imagine."

"Did you get to meet famous people who had died?"

"Yes."

"Wow! And you left all that behind just for me?"

"Not only for you. There are several others."

Amber was suddenly alarmed. "Are any of them girls?"

Danny laughed. "One's an elderly lady with cancer, one's a drug addict with HIV, and the other's a little boy with Down's syndrome, although to be honest, his mother needs my help more than he does. You have nothing to worry about."

Amber felt ashamed. "Not that I have any right to be worried. It's not like I own you or anything."

Danny gently lifted her chin with his fingers and gazed into her eyes. "It's all right, Amber. I understand."

"To be honest, I can't even believe you wanted to go to a movie with me. I always thought that to you I was just a little kid."

"Things change, Amber. You've grown up a lot in the past three years."

She thought of something. "Are you three years older now, too? Or do you stop getting older when...you know..."

"It's hard to explain. Time is different up there. People who are little kids when they die grow up to be adults, but nobody ever grows old. Even people who die in old age go back to being young up there."

"So if you're almost grown up, but not quite, when you die..."

"You'll finish growing up and then stay young. But three years doesn't make a heck of a lot of difference."

'You don't look any older to me at all."

"And I don't feel any older, either." He grinned and put his arm around her. "So if you're sixteen, and I still feel seventeen, what's the difference?"

Cuddling with Gideon in the afterglow following their lovemaking, Jade found her mind wondering back to the first time she'd ever made love. It had been awkward, sweet, and utterly unforgettable. Three months later, Danny's body had lain in a casket in the ground.

"What ya thinkin' 'bout?" Gideon's finger lightly caressed her chin.

"Oh, nothing. Just the first time we made love."

"Ah." He grinned and pulled her closer. A few minutes later, she heard his snoring.

Still wide awake herself, she wondered what the best way of getting in touch with Danny would be. Did angels use the internet? She could write a snail mail letter to him, but where would she send it?

Acting on a hunch, she gingerly extricated herself from Gideon's arms, made her way to her computer, and turned it on. When the search engine came up, she typed Danny's full name, Daniel Francis Green, into it. Instantly she was directed to the find-a-grave web page, where once again she typed in his full name, his date of birth, 2-14-04, and his date of death, 7-15-21. Right away a photograph of his grave marker came up, and she had to swallow a lump in her throat.

At the bottom of the right side of the page, she was given the opportunity to leave flowers and a note. She clicked on the icon and was directed to a page where she could write a note for the deceased. After several minutes of careful thought, she began to compose her missive.

Dear Danny,

Words cannot express the way I feel about you. When they told me that you were gone and I'd never see you again, that hurt worse than anything in the world. I wanted you back so badly, I would have done anything in the world to make it happen. When Amber wrote and told me that you had come back, for me it was like a dream come true. I can definitely understand your being upset about Gideon, but honestly, he's nothing to compare with you. You're my first and only true love. Please tell me that you're willing to give our relationship another chance. I promise you won't regret it.

All my love,

Jade