Riley Adams Tries Dying

It was a quiet day in H City and Riley Adams was taking full advantage of it. As the lone paranormal investigator in a city with every sort of paranormal problem imaginable (and then some) she didn’t get much down time. When she did she made sure to enjoy it because, Riley knew from years of experience, it was always the calm before the inevitably annoying storm. What she didn’t know was that this time, the storm was personal.

Riley sat in her office, sipping lukewarm coffee and skimming through her emails when she heard the front door slam. A moment later, Artemis Bly bounded in, stopping next to her desk. Artemis was a time traveler and interdimensional adventurer and she looked the part in her brown duster, safari shirt, and suspenders. She has become an integral part of Riley’s team recently, her future tech and engineering skills coming handy. Riley looked up when she walked in and immediately noticed the look of deep concern on Artemis’s usually cheerful face. Riley could count on one hand the number of times that she had seen Artemis look so upset. Something was definitely very wrong.

“Hey, Bly,” Riley said. “What up?”

“Have you heard from AJ today?” Artemis asked, her Yorkshire accent filled with worry. She took a seat across from Riley.

The question took Riley by surprise at first but when she thought about it she realized, no, she hadn’t heard from her best friend that morning. She pulled out her phone to see if she missed any calls or texts. Nothing. That was odd. Usually by this point in the day AJ would have sent her a picture of her corgi with a hilarous caption or at least some dumb meme. Today there was nothing.

She looked at Artemis. “No, I haven’t actually. Have you?”

Artemis shook her head. “No. She hasn’t returned any of my messages all day.”

Now that was really weird, Riley thought. AJ and Artemis had a stable, healthy relationship and it wasn’t like her to ignore her girlfriend. “Didn’t you see her when she left for work this morning?”

“No, Darcy and I had to go rescue our mate Bo from a medieval dungeon again last night and I didn’t get back until late this morning.”

Riley thought for a moment. “Have you tried-” she started but was interrupted by her phone buzzing. It was a text from AJ’s head reporter at the H City Times asking if Riley had seen AJ because she hadn’t shown up for work. Riley could practically hear Reg’s panic through the text.

She looked at Artemis. “Reg said AJ didn’t turn up at the paper this morning.”

Artemis now looked outright scared. Riley tried to find the words to comfort her but came up short. She was saved by the office door opening again and Carol Davids, a witch and president of the H City Magician’s Guild walking in. She had a piece of paper in her hand and looked concerned. A trend, it seemed.

“Riley, have you heard from AJ today?” Carol asked.

Riley couldn’t believe it. “You’re the third person that’s asked me that today,” she said. “I haven’t. And neither has Artemis. Or anyone at the paper.”

Carol sighed. “That’s what I was afraid of.”

“What’s going on, Carol? What happened to AJ?” Riley asked.

“Last night the Guild picked up an unauthorized necromancy spell over in the cemetery. When we went to investigate whoever cast the spell was gone but we found this.”

Carol showed them the piece of paper. It was the obituary page ripped from the H City Times. One obituary was circled, a Tommy Lowell, and at the bottom was a byline: “Edited by AJ Mitchell.”

“What does this mean?” Artemis asked. Riley could see the engineer gears working in her brain.

“Someone brought Tommy Lowell back from the dead. But a spell like that only works if you have another soul to trade. I think whoever cast this spell didn’t know that and when the time came, they said the first name they saw on that paper that wasn’t already dead.”

Riley and Artemis looked at each other. “AJ,” Artemis said quietly.

Riley looked back at Carol. “So where exactly is AJ now? And more importantly, how do I get her back?”

“She’s in purgatory,” Carol said matter of factly. “And as for getting her back...well, that’s a little tricky.”

“What do you mean tricky? Don’t we just find this Tommy dude and reverse the spell? He goes back to being dead and AJ comes home?”

“It’s not that simple. AJ didn’t actually die, she just kind of ceased to exist on Earth.”

“Then I’ll go to purgatory and get her. Can you get me there?”

“I can but are you sure? There’s no telling what you’ll have to face to find her and get out.”

Riley stood up. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not losing my best friend.” Riley didn’t have to think twice about it. She and AJ had been to hell and back together over the years so she wasn’t about to let a little thing like purgatory stop her from rescuing the most important person in her life.

“And I’m not losing the love of my life,” Artemis said. “I’m going too.” She looked so determined that Riley couldn’t argue. And besides, she thought, she might need the help. Carol was right, they didn’t know what they would be facing and Artemis was alway handy to have around.

“There you have it. Get us to purgatory.”

“Very well. Meet me at the Guild in half an hour.”

Half an hour later, Riley and Artemis found themselves in a dark room in the Magician's Guild with Carol.

“Okay, guys,” Carol said. “We’ll get you to purgatory but once you’re there you’ll only have about a half an hour to find AJ and get back to the portal. I can’t guarantee we can keep it stable after that.”

Riley nodded. “Got it. Grab AJ and get out. Easy.”

“Anything else we should know?” Artemis asked.

Carol shrugged. “Not sure. I’ve never been to purgatory so I can’t tell you what to expect.”

Riley couldn’t help but grin. “Going in without a plan. Sounds like my kind of mission. Ready, Bly?”

Artemis nodded. “Ready as I’ll ever be, mate.”

Carol started a spell. After a few moments, a bright beam of light appeared in the middle of the room. Carol nodded to Riley and Artemis and they stepped through.

On the other side found themselves in what looked like a DMV on steroids. Rows of numbered windows seemed to go on forever with an identical bored looking clerk at each one. People milled about, standing in lines or sitting in the waiting area. The whole place had a beige tint to it.

“How are we supposed to find AJ in all of this?” Artemis asked.

Riley looked around and noticed the signs floating above different sections of windows. On their left was one that said “DEPARTURE DOWN” and on the right was “DEPARTURE UP.” She didn’t want to think about where the down line ended up. At the far end Riley squinted and could just make out a sign that said “ARRIVAL PROCESSING.” She pointed to it. “That’s probably a good place to start.”

Riley was on high alert as she and Artemis made their way past the rows of windows but no one seemed to notice them...or each other for that matter. Everyone drifted around looking straight ahead, oblivious to their surroundings. It made Riley feel uneasy. “I don’t like this,” she whispered to Artemis.

“Me neither. This is worse than any zombie horde we’ve ever faced.”

“Yeah, at least zombies have the decency to fight back.”

After a long few minutes they finally reached the arrivals area. There was a crowd of people all watching a big board with names on it. After each name was a number that corresponded to one of the windows along either side. Five names were on the screen: HARTNELL, BILL

TROUGHTON, PATRICK

PERTWEE, JOHN

BAKER, TOM

DAVISON, PETER

“This has to be where AJ is,” Riley said. She and Artemis scanned the crowd. It wasn’t an easy task. There was every type of person imaginable and Riley felt like she was in a real life game of Where’s Waldo. Finally, just as she was about to lose hope, she spotted a plaid shirt and a messy blond faux hawk and knew it had to AJ. She’d know her best friend anywhere. She grabbed Artemis’s arm and dragged her through the crowd.

“AJ!” Riley shouted as they got closer.

AJ turned around and waved when she spotted them. “Riles! Marty!”

Riley and Artemis ran towards her, shoving people out of the way. When they reached her, Artemis pulled her into a hug and then pulled back so she could kiss her. When they pulled apart, AJ asked, “You guys are here too? And, quick question, where is here?”

“You don’t know?” Riley asked.

AJ shook her head. “No. One minute I was sitting on the couch at home, and the next I was here. We’re not in an alternate reality again, are we?”

“No, this is purgatory,” Riley replied.

“Ah,” AJ said with a rather bemused expression. “Am I dead then? And are you guys dead? If so how did we all die?”

“No one’s dead,” Artemis said.

“Yeah, you were kind of collateral damage in a necromancy spell gone wrong,” Riley said.

“So typical H City stuff,” AJ commented, unfazed. “How did you guys get here?”

“Carol,” Riley replied. “We came to rescue you.”

“I’m glad, this place was getting boring.” AJ glanced up at the board of names. Now it read:

MC COY, SLYVESTER

ALDRED, SOPHIE

SLADEN, ELIZABETH

LAMBERT, VERITY

MITCHELL, ALICE JOY

“And just in time,” she said. “I think my number’s up.”

“Then let’s get the hell out of here,” Riley said. She pointed back to where the beam of light they’d come through was. “That’s our portal home.”

They made their way back through the crowd and almost to the portal but they were forced to stop dead in their tracks when a woman appeared in their path. She had a blonde bob haircut and wore an all black pant suit with rather intense shoulder pads.

“Where do you think you’re going?” She asked.

Riley glanced at her watch. They did not have time for this. “Home,” she replied.

“Not on my watch,” the woman said.

Riley raised her eyebrows. “And who are you? Mistress of the Underworld? Queen of the Damned?”

“Karen,” the woman said. “And I’m in charge around here.”

“Karen?” Artemis said, stifling a chuckle. “Your name is Karen?”

Karen glared at her. “You have a problem with that?”

“Look, Karen, we just want to get out of here,” Riley interjected. “My friend was here by mistake, we came to get her, and now we’re on our way out so if you’d just let us leave…”

Karen didn’t budge. “That’s against the rules.”

“I’ve never met a rule I cared to follow,” Riley said. She moved to step around Karen but was blocked.

“No one comes to purgatory by mistake.”

“You’re wrong,” Riley argued. “AJ was an innocent side effect of an idiot messing around with necromancy. There’s no reason she should be here.”

“And there’s no reason we should be there except to bring her back,” Artemis added.

Karen still didn’t move. Riley sighed. “Look lady, I’ll fight you if I have to. I’ve been looking for an excuse to punch something all day.”

Karen scoffed. “I’m immortal being. Fighting me would be futile.”

“Oh yeah? Why don’t you go ask the god of chaos who put him back in his prison?”

Karen suddenly looked very concerned. “That was you?”

Riley grinned. Clearly she had the upper hand now. “Ah so you’ve heard of me. And now you’re realizing what I’m capable of and all the trouble I could cause if you kept me here.”

Riley could practically see the debate going on in Karen’s head. “Fine. You can go and take whatever this is with you,” she added, gesturing to Artemis. “But Alice Joy Mitchell has to stay.”

Riley shook her head. “No deal. It’s all or nothing, friend.” Karen started to protest but Riley cut her off. “Besides, AJ has been my very best friend for twenty years. She’s been my sidekick through everything and she’s just as capable as me.”

This was, of course, a lie. It was true that AJ had been there with Riley through everything and she was the heart of Riley’s team but capable she was not. AJ was dead clumsy and had only thrown a punch once.

Riley glanced over at AJ who was trying very hard not to laugh. Karen looked from Riley to AJ. Finally she smirked and said, “A challenge, then. You win, I let you all go. You lose, you all stay here and work for me for the rest of eternity.”

“Deal,” Riley said. “What’s the challenge? Chess? Or do we modernize with some Mario Kart?”

Karen waved a hand dismissively. “Games are for children. I prefer something with a little more action.” She snapped her fingers and an obstacle course appeared just past the portal. There was a rope swing across a pool of lava, a wall, barbed wire to crawl under, a rock wall, a balance beam, and at the end, a giant three headed dog.

“That’s it?” Riley said. “Lady, I outrun monsters for a living. I could do this in my sleep.”

“Maybe,” Karen said with an evil grin. “But can she?” She pointed at AJ and Riley knew she hadn’t bought her lie.

AJ stepped up and glared at Karen. “Sure I can. I may not be a badass like the rest of my friends but I’ve never let them down and I don’t intend to start now.”

Riley put a hand on her shoulder. “You sure about this?”

AJ shrugged. “I don’t really have a choice, do I? I’m not keen on sticking around here forever so I have to at least try.” She gave Riley a grin. “Besides, I’ve seen you two do this kind of stuff hundreds of times. How hard could it be?”

Artemis gave her a kiss on the cheek. “You got this.”

Karen stepped aside with another malicious grin. AJ took a deep breath and ran for the course. When she got to the rope she swung across to the other side but lost her footing on the landing and tripped. She quickly recovered though and seemed unfazed.

She made it over the wall and under the barbed wire rather ungracefully but the rock wall was no problem. AJ had grown up on a ranch and could climb anything. The balance beam, however, gave her pause. She regeard it for a long moment. As she stepped up on it, Riley held her breath. Artemis grabbed her arm and held on with a vice grip. AJ took small, slow, deliberate steps, holding her arms out for balance. Halfway across she waved and Riley winced but she righted herself. As she inched across, Riley could see the portal getting dimmer out of the corner of her eye. This was going to be down to the wire.

After what seemed like a century, AJ reached the end and jumped off. Riley and Artemis both let out sighs of relief. Now all AJ had to do was get past the dog. She walked up to it and it eyed her but didn’t move. She looked at it for a long moment and then finally grinned. She walked a few feet away and let out her loudest whistle, the one that always recalled her corgi no matter where she was. The dog immediately perked up its ears and bounded over her to her. When it reached her, she ran as fast as she could back past where the dog had been and then to the finish line. The dog bounded after her like an excited puppy.

Karen looked on in shock as AJ made her way back to them. “How?”

Riley grinned. “I told you she was my sidekick for a reason. Never underestimate heart.”

“So can we go now?” AJ asked.

Karen looked furious but said, “Fine. A deal’s a deal but you’ll be back for real one day and you’d better believe I'll remember this.”

Karen disappeared and Artemis said, “Well she was pleasant.”

AJ laughed and Riley glanced at her watch. “Come on, we’ve only got a couple of minutes.”

She took off at a run towards the beam of light with Artemis and AJ at her heels. The light was starting to fade but they all managed to jump in just before it disappeared.

A moment later they all found themselves back in the Magician's Guild. “You like to cut things close, don’t you?” Carol asked.

“Story of my life,” Riley said.

“I’m glad you all made it back alive and well,” Carol said. “Any issues?”

“Just an immortal being named Karen. Nothing we couldn’t handle.” Riley thumped AJ on the back. “Did you guys find whoever cast the spell?”

“We did. It was Tommy’s boyfriend. We sent Tommy back where he belongs and erased any knowledge of necromancy from the boyfriend’s memory. He shouldn’t be a problem again.”

“Nice work,” Riley said. She turned to Artemis and AJ. “Time for Hannigan’s. I need about six drinks.”

As they made their way to their favorite dive bar, Riley wondered briefly what her next encounter with Karen would be like but, she reasoned that would be many years down the road. After all, she did have a particular talent for staying alive no matter what the universe threw at her. She’d just cross that rainbow bridge when she came to it.