Reverse Psychology Won't Help

“Terrance, this is not right. Let me help you.”

“Help me how? I don’t need your help. I know exactly what I’m doing.”

“You don’t.”

“Yeah, hell yeah, I do!”

“Of for fuck’s sake, Terrance. This is goddammed stupid.”

“Stay away from me, Richard, or I swear...I’m sick of you butting in, thinking you are the savior of everything that doesn’t fit your idea of how it should be.”

“What? Damn, you’re still the immature baby, Rance. Just knock it off. I’ve somewhere else to be, and I’m choosing to be here with you.”

“I didn’t ask you to, now did I? No, I did NOT! So go on. Get the hell out of here.”

“I said I have somewhere else to be, not that I didn’t want to be here with you. Damn, you are one stupid sonofabitch.”

“If you think calling me names will change my mind, it won’t. You ain’t gonna use your reverse psychology on me this time, you college-educated, but dumb-as-rocks-about-the-world self-proclaimed renaissance man!”

“Whoa, Rance, I’ve never heard such big words coming out of that ugly, blasphemous pie-hole.”

“Stop grinning. All right, I’ll give you that one, dude, it was pretty funny.”

“I can be funny.”

“Richard, you are not funny. Not one bone of funny is inside your scrawny sorry ass. You don’t even laugh when we watch SNL and that shit is funny.”

“I laughed at that skit on the close encounter that featured Meryl Streep and Kate McKinnon. Both of them were going on about being abducted by aliens, and”

“Yeah, I remember that one.”

“You always interrupt. I thought Meryl was hilarious sitting in her jeans, smoking along with McKinney, as John Hamm interrogated the abductees, and Woody Harrelson was one. It was so funny, I almost peed my pants.”

“One episode that you laughed at. Wow, give the guy a medal.”

“Well, I do have a sense of humor.

“Citing one show that made you laugh doesn’t mean you have a sense of humor.”

“I beg to differ - if I can laugh at an episode, it most certainly does mean that I have a sense of humor. This conversation is getting tiresome. Let’s go. Come on, we’ve been here long enough.”

“What’s your hurry? Is the place you need to be calling out to you? I told you I don’t need or want you here. I know exactly what I’m doing. Go on, git! Drive your dumbass Hummer home.”

“I don’t want to leave unless you’re coming. Why won’t you just come on? We can come back tomorrow for your Jeep.”

“Why would I leave my Jeep here and go with you? I hate your driving, and I absolutely detest that Hummer. It is the ugliest color ever, and it is loud and jerky to ride in. Git outta here, you pain-in-the-ass. I want to be alone for a while. Then I will finish my business. Alone.”

“I can’t leave you alone, Rance. You are my best friend. It wouldn’t be right to leave you alone in this state. Come on. We can go and get a beer and talk, yeah?”

“Uh, no. Not interested. How did you know where I was, anyway? I didn’t tell anyone because I wanted to be alone. And then you come along and bother me, disturbing my peace and quiet. My introspective thoughts, so to speak. Why? Git on outta here. I want to enjoy the sunset.”

“I can sit and be quiet. How about I do that? Sit and be quiet with my best friend?....Rance? What do you say?”

“You ain’t shut up at all. You can't be quiet! I want you to go away. Anyway, sitting here with me, quiet or not, is still noisy! I can’t think when you are here, breathing, clearing your throat, jiggling around. It’s not peaceful, Richard.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll go sit in the Hummer.”

“NO! That won’t work. Good, you're leaving. Bye! What... are you doing there...aren't you leaving?”

“What is that?”

“What are you talking about?”

“That envelope on your windshield?”

“Leave it alone, Richard! See, you screw up everything!”

“Terrance!! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOO!”

“9 1 1, what is the emergency?”

Copyright © 1/19/2026 by Andrea O. Corwin

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