Revelation 17:4

I wasn’t meaning to spy. But I didn’t want to get into trouble either. I have bad dreams. I went to look for Sister Angelica or Sister Sarah, even though I’m too scared to tell them I’m scared. Sister Angelica says that we who serve God need not be afraid, but I’m not afraid of God. Probably I’m lucky they didn’t find me first. I only looked through the keyhole to know they were there. Only Sister Angelica was there though, and Father O’Connell.

I’ve never seen a naked lady before. I thought her skin looked lovely. She has very dark skin, and it looked all glowy and warm in the firelight. It made me want to stroke her. I thought her chest looked funny. She had big brown nipples pointing out under her big white bib thing that she still had on. I suppose I must’ve seen mammy’s chest but I don’t remember. I couldn’t see what was between her legs because she was kneeling down. I thought she looked really pretty, but I would have liked to have seen what was between her legs. I know it’s different to mine.

Father O’Connell wasn’t naked, but he had his cassock lifted up in the front where Sister Angelica was kneeling. He kept saying “good girl” to her, and I should have gone away but I felt kind of funny, like I wanted to see more but also I was even more scared of being caught than before. Then he put his hand on her head, and started saying the Lord’s name and that’s how I knew that Sister Angelica was doing something very special in the service of God. Then he looked at me, and even though there was a big door I felt like he could see right through it and I felt like he would be angry that I was up so I ran to bed, but no-one came and this morning he said Good Morning just as usual so I don’t think he did see me. But I couldn’t sleep all the same.

If it wasn’t so cold, I’d fall asleep now. Also, the hard bench. Even though I could lie down on it, no-one could fall asleep sitting up on it. They’d fall onto the floor and the floor is even colder. There are red tiles that remind me of the church at home. Maybe God likes red tiles. God likes red tiles and gold things, like candlesticks and giant picture frames and tall cups and animals which Sister Sarah says we shouldn’t get fingerprints on and Sister Angelica says we shouldn’t pay so much mind to shiny things, and cups of abominaminations when people are hungry, and anyway that big gilded eagle isn’t even worth as much as the bible sitting on it.

Father O’Connell sounds just like the priest at home too. He says we must be clean and obedient and that’s how we can serve God. He also says, not in chapel, just to me, that with a voice like mine I must serve God with my mouth and my lungs. Mammy said everything I do should be in the service of God, so I think I serve God with my arms and my legs and all the rest of my body just as much. Mammy serves God in heaven now.

Sister Sarah says I’m to go and see Father O’Connell after chapel, instead of lessons. She says Father O’Connell has a special task for me. I’ve not had anything special for me since Mammy passed. I feel squishy in my tummy about it. Like when you know something good is about to happen, but also like when you are worried sick. I hope Sister Angelica is there again, maybe it’s something special we are going to do together, except she usually teaches lessons, so maybe it will be something just for Father O’Connell, and I think that’s where the sick part is coming from. Sister Sarah says it’s a big honour to serve a man of God like Father O’Connell, but Mammy said I should serve only God and myself, and let that be enough for one boy.