Resolution

It was late on New Year’s Eve, a very bad time to shop.

Vanessa pushed the empty trolley to the nearest bay, a good 300 yards from where she had finally found a place to park her car two hours ago.

Her heels tapped a staccato beat as she strode along the pitted tarmac. It was bitterly cold; the wind bit through her faux-fur-lined winter coat, through the blazer, blouse and skirt and thick black tights which had become her corporate attire, through her pale, where-is-the-sun winter skin, right to the marrow of her bones. Chestnut hair was finally escaping from the tight roll she customarily wore and fine tendrils whipped her face and neck, stinging her exposed, chilled skin.

She’d had enough of crazed last-minute shoppers, vying for the last pomegranate, piece of pork, packet of grapes, bagels, whatever they felt would bring them luck for the New Year ahead. She only wanted to go home, curl up in front of the fire and forget about it all for the holidays. Vanessa sighed and shook her head in frustration, releasing another coiled strand. There was no rest for her at home.

She sighed as she pushed her trolley into the end of the line of parked trolleys and extricated her token with gloved hands.

“Fumble fingers!” she muttered, searching the ground for the token which had so elegantly slipped from her gloved fingers to the tarmac below. It didn’t help that the token was a dull grey color, and with the poor lighting, rendered almost invisible. Still, she hoped to catch a glimpse of its dull sheen – or at the very least, a coin-shaped shadow.

Miracle! She found it! She bent to retrieve it and was promptly rammed by a trolley.

“Oh! For goodness sake!” Teetering on high heels, she lost balance and fell on to the trolley, catching her face on the way down.

“I am so sorry!” His warm, liquid voice, contrite and apologetic, cut through her chilled brain. “Here, let me help you.” And as she made to resist, “Can I at least take you to the light, make sure my absent-minded clumsiness hasn’t caused any damage?”

She would have snapped at him, but something in his voice triggered a memory of happier, warmer days, and so she allowed him to lead her back to the light.

“Here. Let me see.” Surprisingly gentle, warm fingers sent a blast of heat through her frozen body as he tilted her face to the light, blinding her, and so she missed the startled expression on her rescuer’s face.

However, she didn’t miss the quick intake of breath and she stared up into his face. It was in shadow, the golden halo around his head preventing her from defining his features.

“Is it bad?” she asked, her voice catching a little as she feared the worst.

“Nessie…?”

She froze, a rabbit caught in headlights, heart pounding, breathless.

“Kevin…” she exhaled, remembering to breathe in.

“It’s been so long…”

“Twenty years… more…”

“That long?”

“You didn’t write…”

“My mum said you’d left a message … Didn’t want me to.”

“I wrote…”

An accusation left hanging…

“I moved…”

An awkward pause…

“Can I buy you a drink? We can catch up.”

Hopeful.

“I have to get home. My husband… kids…” Her voice trailed off and she lowered her eyes, the only part of her body she still controlled.

“Of course. How insensitive of me.” Still he held her chin, gently. Caressingly. Playing her. His touch awakened dormant thoughts and feelings which flowed through her deadened body, threatening to erupt in a symphonic explosion.

“Just ... OK…” She caught her breath as his lips brushed hers, warming her, yet sending delicious shivers through her body. She trembled uncontrollably. His warm breath stroked her lips inches from her own as his ocean-blue eyes held her hazel ones. Questioning. Promising.

Kevin smiled, the slow, easy smile she remembered, and released her chin, capturing her shoulders. He led her to the Hog’s Head, powerless as a lamb to the slaughter.

“Kevin, maybe I should just…” Her voice trailed off.

The Hog’s Head was crowded. He led her through the throng to a private booth. Tenderly, he eased her coat from her shoulders, taking her blazer with it, revealing her cream satin blouse. His fingers lingered at the nape of her neck and she demurely bowed her head, allowing the sweet contact. He eased the pins holding her hair, releasing chestnut waves. He twirled one curl and gently scraped the back of his hand across her cheek. She gasped at the intimate contact, but made no objection, and as he held her close, she hardly dared to breathe.

He smiled his slow, sweet smile again, and settled her in the booth. He left to get their drinks, but was not gone very long before she realized he hadn’t asked her what she wanted. It didn’t matter. She wouldn’t be staying. She should be making final preparations for her family’s New Year’s celebrations – a quiet night at home, bringing in the New Year. She shouldn’t be spending any time with Kevin, the man who broke her heart.

I’ll go home now, she thought, and would have, except Kevin had returned.

“Do you still not drink?” he asked, placing a tumbler of tonic water in front of her.

She nodded, but at this moment wished for a triple vodka.

He sipped his cider appreciatively, sighing with contentment.

“The years have been kind to you,” he said, eyes holding hers captive.

She blushed, and hoped the dim light hid it. From the sudden glint in his eye she guessed not, and felt herself blushing harder.

“You look well, yourself,” she countered as lightly as she could, noting the still thick, dark, wavy hair now growing silver at the temples. Laughter lines made his already handsome face even more so. Another errant thought that sent the heat roaring through her body, suffusing her face with color.

“Marriage suits you.” It was designed to quell the fires burning in her body and came out frostier than intended.

He looked at her.

“My wife passed away five years ago. Cancer.”

“I’m so sorry.” Vanessa bit her lip. An awkward silence developed. The knowledge that he was single again reinforced to her that her old feelings for him had not gone completely.

“How is … your husband? Kids?”

“I have three, girls, all in secondary now.”

“I bet they’re all as beautiful as you are.”

“I think they’re beautiful. They look like their…” She paused. “My … husband, Andrew … had an accident a few years ago. It was… I, er…,” she sighed. “He’s paralyzed.”

“That must be difficult.” He watched her for signs that she would welcome his comfort. Once she would have allowed him to take over, but it seemed the years, although physically kind to her, had dealt her an emotional blow.

She toyed with her glass, moistening her finger and rubbing it gently along the top edge. A sweet note erupted. She looked up at him. A sweet sadness reflected in her eyes, a sadness he could suddenly understand as the anguish of their separation erupted in his heart.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t keep in touch.” He hadn’t meant to say it, but now he found he had no control over his mouth. He had loved his wife, after a fashion, but even she had known he still carried a torch for Vanessa.

“It was for the best. I would’ve held you back.”

He could see she meant it.

“Vanessa, I…”

“Kevin, we…”

“You go first…,” Kevin gestured for her to continue, and once again she found herself at a loss.

“This wasn’t such a good idea, us having a drink.” And then the words just tumbled out. “I appreciate you had your career to think of. I’m so happy to know you’ve made it. You’re a fantastic musician, Kevin. I’ve always loved your music. I still have the first song you ever recorded for me – I had it put on a CD.”

He stared at her, eyes suddenly stinging with unshed tears. He blinked away the threatened deluge, swallowing hard.

“I can make you another. Many more. All your old favorites. And my new ones. I’ll write one … just for you…”

“No!” Then more gently, “That would be lovely…”

Another awkward silence. Vanessa’s finger still traversed the glass rim. Kevin stared at her, eyes dark with emotion. Suddenly, Vanessa looked directly at him.

“Why didn’t you call, Kevin?” All the hurt of the past years pooled in her eyes; he found the haunted expression on her face unbearable.

“I was weak.” His soft answer was almost lost in the general hubbub of the pub and she leaned forward to hear his response. “We were young, Vanessa. You were studying business; I was off to the Conservatorium; different goals; I didn’t want to hold you back.” Mum didn’t want you to hold me back.

His voice cracked. She didn’t hear. She was nineteen again, standing under the ancient oak with him. He was holding her tight, promising to write, telephone, pop down for the weekend; promising they would spend vacations together; promising they had a future. They had clung to each other, seeking and giving reassurance. Their final kiss was full of passion. She still felt it. It still hurt.

“I really need to be getting home.”

“I know.”

He helped her into her blazer and coat.

“I’d like to see you again… Please?”

She looked into his face, searching, longing; finding. She leaned forward and kissed him gently on his cheek, tasting the salt, knowing her own face was wet, too.

“I’ll always love you, Kevin.” Her voice broke as she turned away. He held her arm to stop her.

“Vanessa, I… It wasn’t a mistake. And it wasn’t coincidence. Fate brought me here tonight.”

“Shh…” She held a warm finger to his lips. “Andrew needs me.” She gave him a tight hug, clinging. He hugged her back. She turned to go before she changed her mind. Her loveless marriage would have been long over if Andrew hadn’t had his accident, but how could she abandon him? Kevin still held her tight.

“I’ll be waiting, Nessie,” he whispered.

“Don’t,” she whispered back, heartbroken again.

He stared into her eyes, willing her to stay. Nothing, except the resolution to do her duty.

Slowly Kevin released his hold, watching as she turned and walked away.

***

The light dusting of snow that had fallen while she lingered with Kevin had deepened and was even now falling heavier, obliterating her tire tracks. She parked her car in the garage and brought her shopping in, putting it straight away effectively delaying the meeting with her family. Through the glass, she watched while they sat, peaceful, in the front room.

Would they even know if I wasn’t here?

She sighed, pasted a smile on her face and opened the door.

“Mummy!” Three voices in unison, pleased to see her, leapt up to welcome her with a hug. She swallowed the sudden lump in her throat as she hugged them back. Lovingly.

“Hello, Dear. Long day?” Andrew’s frosty tones coming from his customary place on his recliner broke the happy reunion. She looked at him, trying to reconcile her decision to stay.

“I ran into an old friend at the PriceSave,” she answered. “We had a drink and reminisced on old times. Sorry. Dinner won’t be long.”

She squared her shoulders and set to work assigning simple tasks to the children as they prepared their New Year feast. It would be a spectacular dinner, one to bring in the New Year with cheer. This New Year’s Eve would herald the best year ever. She would make it so.

After the children had gone to their rooms and she had settled Andrew for the night, she sat alone in her room, listening to Kevin playing some music as he transported her away, at least in her mind.

***

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