Reflections

"Sir... Excuse me sir, I will need to see your ticket please."

Jeff responded to the voice, with a slight stir from his deep sleep.

"Sir, I need you to wake up, I need to punch your ticket now."

Jeff then noticed the feel of cold glass against his head and the vibration under his body.

"Sir!"

Jeff pulled himself up, to look at the man in a tailcoat and matching hat. He was stroking his mustache with a look of slight amusement on his face. Jeff anxiously glanced around and saw that he was in fact, on a train.

The man, then said in a proper English accent, " Sorry to disturb Sir, but I do need your ticket now."

"Right..." Jeff drawled, as he looked at the man skeptically.

I must be going mad.

"I had it! It must be here somewhere…"

The thing is, Jeff didn’t know if he had a ticket; for he had no freaking idea how he even got on this train.

"Well then, No worry Sir. I will just need to have you sign this form.” The ticket collector pulled out a pad of paper.

“This sort of thing happens all the time. Just keep your eye out for the bill.” The collector tore off a piece of paper and handed it over to Jeff along with a pen.

“If you wouldn’t mind, just sign here on the line Sir.”

Jeff quickly took the paper, signed his name and handed it back to the collector.

"Thank you very much Sir.", the collector said as he folded up the paper and turned to walk away.

I could really use a cup of coffee. Jeff thought.

With a slow and confused realization, he asked, "Wait! Don't you need my address? "

The collector stopped in his tracks and replied. "Oh no. No need, we already have your records on file."

Okay... Thought Jeff.

Jeff sat there puzzling over how he even got on this train. He didn't even remember going to bed.

Maybe I'm still dreaming? He thought.

But who thinks that if they are dreaming? He responded to his thought.

And now, I'm having conversations in my head…

Embarrassed with himself, he sat back down and looked toward the window. All he could see his own reflection looking back at him. Confidently gazing at his reflection, he gave his hair a comb through with his fingers.

He figured he would just get off at the next stop, wherever that was. He checked his watch for the time,

3 A.M.

How he would love, to just be in his bed right now.

Leaning back into his seat, he closed his eyes and with the hypnotic rhythm of the train riding along the tracks, Jeff quickly drifted back into his slumber...

I must have missed a few stops by now! He thought awaking once more. With a grunt, he got up to go stand by the doors.

It was then he noticed, the few other living beings seated about the train car. They were all sleeping.

He walked past an old man over to the entry way where the doors were. There he stood waiting for the next stop. He glanced at the old man in his worn-out clothes, his cap pulled half down over one eye.

Pity... He thought.

He glanced down, again, at his Rolex,

3 A.M....

Jeff started tapping at his watch in annoyance.

What shit. He thought.

He had just bought this watch only a week ago. He did buy it from a pawn shop though, so he wasn't that surprised. But he still paid over 5 grand for the piece of junk.

He took a glance around in hopes that someone might be awake to share the right time with him.

Jeff then noticed, out of the corner of his eye, the old man peeking at him from under his hat. Only, when Jeff turned his head toward the old man, he quickly closed his eyes continuing to pretend sleep.

Feeling even more annoyed, Jeff walked over to the man and cleared his throat.

"Eh-hmm."

No response.

"Excuse me..."

Struggling deeply to be patient, Jeff bumped up his voice a bit louder to say,

"Excuse me Sir, Sorry to -”, when he was cut off.

"What? What? What!!!" The old man busted out melodramatically, while flailing his arms about.

Jeff was taken aback by the old man's sudden outburst.

"Oh! Excuse me!" Said the old man, pushing up his cap. "I don't fare well when I am disturbed from my sleep."

Surprised Jeff stuttered out, " I-I-I'm sorry to bother you Sir, but do you have the time?"

"Time? Oh, I don't have much time." The old man replied, clearly trying to be funny.

Forcing out an exhale Jeff said,

" Sir, I think you misunderstood. I am asking you if you know what time it is."

"I haven't the faintest idea, I lost my watch years ago!" The old Man responded while he raised his wrist and pointed to it.

"Say, ain't that a watch you got on your wrist there? Don't you know how to tell time boy?" The old man asked condescendingly.

Fuming, Jeff responds sarcastically, “No I guess I don't, thanks anyway."

Jeff then, walked back to the doorway.

Of course, the only person awake here is this loony old man.

Jeff then let out a frustrated huff.

That made the old man get up; way faster than you would expect for a man of his age. He rushed upon Jeff with a wild look in his eyes as he grabbed him by his wrists and slammed him back against the wall.

“Do you know who I am boy?" He asked.

God this old man needs to brush his teeth. Jeff thought while scrunching his nose away.

With spit-splattered words, the old man said,

“Scoff all you want, with your expensive suit and fancy schmancy watch!” The old man hocked up a nice loogie and spit it at Jeff's shoe.

“You may have nice things, but you can’t even tell the time. Ha! What has more value to you boy?"

This old man is raving mad. Jeff thought as he stared blankly.

The old man was fuming, breathing heavily, eyes glazed over. After a moment, the old man threw up his hands. "Bah!" He said, as if to shrug him off. The man went back to his seat and pulled his cap back down over his eyes.

Jeff straightened out his suit and pulled himself back together to find that now on top of his watch not working, it also now had a nice Crack. He was pissed.

“Old folks am I right?” a voice asked.

Jeff turned to see, a well to do middle-aged man sitting behind him in one of the seats. “Oh. Yea, that old man obviously needs help.”

“He probably ran away from the nursing home!” The man stated in an arrogant tone. “Old loons like that should be locked away.”

“Humph, agreed," Jeff replied, feeling a little at ease to be speaking with a normal person here.

“Ricks the name, Rick Trail." The man said, extending his hand.

“Jeff Anderson.” He replied as he put out his hand.

"Sit, sit." Rick said invitingly, as he gestured to the seat in front of him.

Rick was a good-looking, middle-aged man with hardly any grey hair except two perfectly even stripes down his beard. He wore what Jeff could tell from the looks of it was a very expensive suit, though he couldn’t make out the brand. His Cologne, musky and inviting. Rick had a mystery about him; emanating intimidation and yet he was welcoming and intriguing. Jeff liked him.

'Finally, someone sensible.' He thought. Feeling somewhat relieved, he took the seat.

"Where you from Jeff?" Rick asked, stroking his goatee.

" Long Island." He replied coolly.

"You don’t say! Me too, born and raised. Where abouts?" Asked Rick seemingly interested.

"Patchogue." Replied Jeff.

"Ahhh, Patchogue you say? I got a house out in the Hamptons. I stay in my penthouse in Manhattan during the week." Rick stated nonchalantly.

Jeff had become aware that his jaw was slightly hanging open. Once he realized, he quickly closed it. He was fighting the curious urge, to ask Rick what he did for a living. He then quickly decided against it, and all he could think to respond was, "Nice…"

"What do you do?" Rick asked.

Jeff stiffened at the question, but coolly replied, " I sell insurance."

Rick smacked his thigh excitedly. "Hey, that was my first job, hell if I miss it though! A slave job if you ask me!" Jeff felt embarrassed at that, but he also couldn't disagree.

Then Rick added, " Say, if you want a real job that doesn't suck the life out of you, I might be able to help you out."

Jeff cleared his throat to respond, " I mean, I do pretty well for myself but, I'm open to other avenues."

"Great then!" Rick says, smacking his hands together.

Pulling a business card out of his pocket and handing it to Jeff, he said, "Just send your full resume along with references over to my secretary and we'll see what we can come up with."

Jeff idly takes the business card while shrinking into himself. 'Damn it', he thought. ‘Of course, they need a resume.’

Rick then asked, "Hey, do you happen to know what time it is?"

In response, Jeff started laughing maniacally, bent over cupping his head in his hands. Rick looked offended. "Oh..." he rubbed the tears from his eyes collecting himself. "I'm sorry."

"Did I say something funny?" Rick asked seemingly annoyed.

Still wiping his tears, he replied “No. No, my watch, it stopped working. So, I can't tell you what time it is!"

Rick sat there for a moment looking baffled, then he perked up. "Hey! Let me have a look at it.” He said.” I know a bit about watches."

"Well, it's also cracked now too." He said, as he handed over the Rolex.

Rick slowly examined the watch, turning it this way and that in his hand silently, then froze. "Thief."

Jeff stiffened, at what he thought he had just heard.

"You’re a rotten thief!" Rick said now looking up at Jeff. "This is my watch! You stole it!"

" N-No, I didn't steal it! I bought it at a pawn shop." Jeff replied shakily.

"Why? Your nothing but a wannabe fraud ain't ya!" Rick stated as he stood up and glared down at him. "I could tell you were a fraud from the second I saw you. Your suit is fake, you wreak of weakness, you try so hard, and it shows through your facade, but I see you for what you really are. I see you." Rick's words sinking into Jeff like venom. "Pathetic." Rick spits. “Get out of my sight." Rick said, as he threw the watch back at him.

Jeff looked away in shame. Belittled and embarrassed, he pulled himself up went to find another seat. People were still sleeping about the train except for a woman who was reading a book. She glanced up at him as he approached, and Jeff quickly looked down.

“Hi there! You can sit here if you like!" The woman said causing him to pause as he was passing her seat. The woman put her book down beside her.

“Sorry you had to hear that.” He said as he took the seat.

“Ah, it aint nothin. Unfortunately, I’ve been on the other end of that stick.”, she said, looking down and toying with her hair.

Jeff noticed how beautiful she was; So soft and delicate. There was an instant hint of attraction. Something in her broken beauty pulled somewhere inside of him in a primal way.

“I am sorry you’ve been treated that way. No one deserves that.” He said, forcing a sympathetic sound into his voice. The woman looked up at him and smiled at that.

“What book are you reading there?” He asked.

“Oh, this?” She said, lifting the book. “It’s a book I wrote.”

“Really? What’s it about?” He asked.

Perking up a bit, the woman proudly shared, “I wanted to share my story in hopes of inspiring other woman to recognize and get out of toxic relationships.”

“Wow. That is impressive and inspiring.” He replied, though he did not have the slightest interest in the book.

“Thank you.” The woman said bashfully. He could tell from the slight look from the woman, that she was interested in him.

Jeff had the urge to use the bathroom.

“Excuse me.” He said, as he got up and made his way to the restroom.

As he approached his seat, there was another man sitting in it.

The woman was whispering in the man’s ear and laughing seductively.

Blood boiling through his veins and a pang of fierce jealousy in his core, Jeff turned to walk the other way.

“Oh, Jeff!” This is my boyfriend, Stan.” The woman said with a sparkle in her eye, draping her arm over Stan's shoulder.

“How do you two know each other?” Stan asked.

“Oh, Jeff is an old-time family friend.” The woman replied, winking at Jeff.

“How long have you guys been together?” He squeezed out.

Stan stood up tall and proudly stated, “Almost 10 years. We are getting married next fall!”

“Wow!” Jeff forced out. “Well congratulations to the both of you.”

‘What a lying skank!’ He thought.

“Well, I won’t keep you two love birds… Best of luck to both of you.”

As he was walking away, he heard something that made him pause. “But Babe… Its only 3AM!”

‘That can’t possibly be right!’ Disbelieving, Jeff turned back around to ask the couple for the time.

“Wait! What time did you sa-?” His words, cut off, with the train shaking.

The lights flicked off and on. The couple, nowhere in sight. Panicked, Jeff quickly glanced around. Everyone was gone. ‘This can’t be real.’ He thought. This train had not stopped. ‘This is impossible.’

He glanced down; his watch was gone.

He gazed at his reflection, pushing his face back with his hands and breathed a sigh of relief at his face.

‘Definitely losing it.’ He thought as he closed his eyes.

Jeffs eyes shot back open when he heard a woman’s voice.

“Your filthy! Look at you!” The woman snarled in a low tone.

“I’m sorry mama.” The squeaky little voice said.

“Yea, your sorry. I work hard to get you nice clothes and what do you do? You just go and make a mess of yourself. What will people think if they see you like that? What will they think of me? Do you want everyone to think I’m a bad mother? Huh?” The woman said coldly.

The boy answered in a studder, “N-N…No?”

That woman, sounded like his mother. But when he got up to look, there was no one there.

He raced down the aisle once more. This time, he made his way to the door, pushing forcefully against the pressure of it, until it opened.

As he opened the door, the gap from his car to the next, expanded into a canyon like size, almost falling in. Regaining his balance, he pulled himself up and back into the train slamming the door in front of him.

“This isn’t a dream!”

“That is correct Sir.” A familiar voice said from behind.

There stood the ticket collector looking amused as ever.

“Where am I?” Jeff asked.

The wise-guy English man answered, “Why you are on a train of course!”

“Very funny, I see I’m on a train. Where am I? Where am I going? Jeff asked.

“Wait. Is this Hell?”

“Why, you don’t even have a ticket!” The collector replied scoffing at his question.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jeff asked incredulously.

“You need a ticket to go to Heaven or Hell… And you have not paid for your ticket.

“How am I supposed to do that?” Jeff asked.

"Why, you must show who you really are." The ticket collector pointed to the window.

Jeff slowly got up and walked over to the window in which the collector was pointing.

He watched frightened as he saw his face transform into the face of the old man.

Astonished, he said “That loony old man? I could never be like that!”

“HA!” said the collector. “Believe it or not, that’s where you were headed if you kept on as you were.”

“I don’t believe that.” Jeff said.

“You can believe what you want Sir, but this is your truth.” The collector replied. “Look again.”

This time, Rick was staring back at him. Jeff straightened up at the sight and leaned closer to the window. He smiled to examine his perfect teeth, smoothed over his glossy black hair and turned back and forth inspecting his luxurious suit while Rick mirrored his every move.

“Incredible…” Jeff said in a hushed tone.

“Like what you see Sir?” The collector asked grinning.

“Who wouldn’t?” Jeff replied

“There’s certainly a lot more to someone besides their looks. Wouldn’t you agree?” The collector asked.

“Well, yea. But you don’t see a lot of ugly wealthy people.”

“Ah… So, its wealth that’s important?”

“I mean, what else is there in life? In order to do anything in this world you need money! Everyone wants to have money.” Jeff said accusingly.

“That’s what you would’ve been, could’ve been, but that’s not who you really are, is it Johnny?” The ticket collector said scoldingly.

Jeff flinched at the name.

He gazed on as the reflection then morphed into that wretched, beautiful woman.

“How could I possibly be a woman?” He scoffed.

“You don’t get it do you Johnny?”

“The reflections…” He spoke. “They’re not me, are they?”

“Of course, they aren’t, they are mere reflections of you Johnny, now don’t be silly.”

Jeff thought for a moment…

“The woman, I thought she was nice at first.”

“Yes…” said the ticket collector. “Go on...”

“She showed me kindness, but then she was toying with me. She made me feel sorry for her but then she taunted me!” Jeff said accusingly.

After a moment of silent realization Jeff said,

“She’s a reflection of me… I hurt people.”

“I am dead, aren’t I?” He then asked with slight panic in his voice.

“That’s not what matters right now Sir. What matters is you must pay for your ticket! You’ve yet to pay and you must. This is your chance.”

He looked once again to his reflection and there was a little boy.

Pain struck him in his core at the sight, and he was flooded with the memories of his life.

Johnny remembered his mother. Only, she wasn’t his mother by blood. That woman was abusive and demeaning. She loved to remind him that he was adopted because he wasn’t wanted. She was all about show. She bought him nice clothes and all the newest things for everyone else to see. But behind closed doors, she was vicious.

Submissive and obedient little Johnny only ever wanted to earn her love.

As he became a teenager, the abuse had sunk in. He believed to his core, that he was a waste of life. This belief had bled into his life. He started having trouble in school, became the target of a bully and was rejected by his peers. Johnny was a child raised in hell.

One day after a bully session at school, he decided he was going to end it all. He grabbed the sharpest knife he could find, ran it across his wrist and relaxed himself into the tub he had prepped for himself. He couldn’t wait to be found and for his mother to be sorry. Everyone would be sorry.

But Johnny wasn’t stupid. He knew his cut wasn’t deep enough to die. But think of the look his mother would have on her face when she walked in and found him covered in blood, brought him joy.

When he heard the door open, he let himself slump into the bath and held his breath. With his head under the water, he could hear her panicked voice shouting in distress. She then grabbed him out of the tub.

“You, little shit! Now look what you’ve done!” She exclaimed in her nasty tone. “Now who’s going to clean this mess? His joy was gone…

His mother then grabbed him by his arm as she hissed at him, “You did it the wrong way! It's up and down, not across… Now Clean up your mess.” she said, and she walked out the door.

He looked at his mess and saw the knife, It wasn’t even a thought. He grabbed the knife, ran out to the hall and stabbed down his mother. Over, and over, and over…

“Why mother?” He spoke. “What a mess you’ve made of yourself! Don’t worry mother, I’ll clean you up.”

Johnny was 13, when he left his home in Canada and made his way to New York.

That was when he named himself Jeff Anderson.

Jeff was found and put in foster care. Everyone believed he was abandoned. Here, he had a fresh start.

At 13 he got a job as a dishwasher at a pizzeria. His money did not go far. Though he was young, he had a fine taste. He spent most his pay on name brand clothes and girls. It’s amazing what you can get girls to do after just buying something as stupid as a promise ring. “Yea, I promise. I promise to take your virginity.” It became an addiction…

When Jeff turned 16, his boss impressed with his drive, promoted him to pizza delivery boy. Only, along with the pizza, he was delivering packages. Very expensive packages… He had become his boss’s favorite minion.

One day, while making a delivery, after he had handed over the pizza, the customer had confirmed the contents within the package and handed Jeff the money. It was then, the customer tossed the package to the side and quickly pulled out, a gun and a badge.

The detectives convinced Jeff into giving them information on his Boss. If he would just tell them what he knew, he would get a lesser sentence. So, like any scared boy would, Jeff spilled the beans.

6 months later Jeff came out of the detention center to nothing and no one. After a few months, he finally landed a job with an insurance company. He made just enough money to pay for his apartment and pay his bills. New York prices are ridiculous. He worked hard but barley scraped by.

Jeff had been with the company for almost 3 years when Jeffs boss had let him go. Supposedly due to him failing his license exam. Jeff was filled with rage. All those years of hard work down the drain.

At home, he seethed. He knew he had to go back to the office to collect his belongings. When he arrived at the office no one was there, and his stuff had already been packed into boxes. That one tipped the domino.

Jeff got a fabulous idea. Hell, he wanted to kick himself in the ass for not thinking of it sooner. He loaded up the printer and began to print out leads. thousands of leads, already paid for by the company. He had the pitch, he had the skill, but he didn’t really have the insurance to give them. But that didn’t matter.

Life insurance is literally a gamble on your life. ‘I mean, most people aren’t planning to die, but they pay it anyway, just in case. For years and years, they pay into a system, and you know what happens? Most people’s policies either expire at some point, or don’t meet the stipulations when they make their claim. Who’s raking the profits? The millionaire legal scam artists that created it.’

“Fuck them!”

Jeff was 21 when he started selling fraudulent insurance from the comfort of his home.

He was making more money than did working for that shit hole company, plus he had more time to enjoy his life again. And instead of wasting his money to shmooze on woman, he started using prostitutes instead.

‘It’s nice to cut to the chase, you can just pay for what you want without all the work.’

One fine day, later that year, he went to hire an escort for the night. He had found a new place that he had never used before. When he went inside, a woman approached him. She hooked her arm through his and started walking him towards a door.

"Payment up front." she said.

"Of course." He replied.

They entered a room that seemed to be an office, with a few old Italian guys sitting about.

“1000 for the night.” said the man behind the desk.

“Can I use a card?”

One of the other men walked over to the pimp and whispered something into his ear.

There was an odd shift in the room. Something was not right.

“Out.” The guy said.

Jeff went to get up, when someone from behind grabbed his shoulders, and pushed him down.

“Not you! Trish, get outta here.”

The door quickly opened and closed behind Jeff, dread taking him over.

“So, you used to work for Mario, am I right?” The pimp asked.

“You know you fucked up kid. You ratted...” He stated.

“What? N-N- No, they told me they knew everything. They...” Jeff stopped speaking when he realized.

He unknowingly ratted out his Boss.

He then felt the cold steel slide up against his temple. Click.

“It’s a shame, so young you are, your whole life ahead of you.” The pimp said.

Jeff went to plead, “Plea...” When all at the same time, the door slammed shut and the bullet slammed through his head.

Jeffs eyes came back into focus of the train.

“I really am dead! I can’t believe it. My life was stolen from me and now I’m stuck in what? Limbo?”

“Eh, something like that, Sir.” Said the collector.

“Well, as you can see, I didn’t even get much of a chance at life. You see the cards I was dealt! Haven’t I paid enough?”

“Sir, well that’s part of the problem. See, we do know, ‘the cards you’ve been delt’, as you just put it... Also, to answer your other question. Yes, it does make a difference you were young, and in your unique short life, you’ve made some terrible choices…”

“Now usually when someone dies the difference between their life’s choices is clear and chargeable… Your life’s choices hold value that you then pay for with your life. Your price you pay determines which ticket your soul is to receive. Are you following?” Jeff nodded his head in confirmation.

“Good. Well, to put it more simply for you, your life’s value has not been determined yet…So that’s why you haven’t been able to make a payment…” The collector said as if it were common sense.

Jeff was finally, starting to understand…

‘It’s easy to see it, when you know you’re dead. It's easier to see when your dead and none of that shit mattered. The jobs, the cars, the clothes. None of it mattered. It’s all just Material!’ Jeff felt lucky in that moment. 'He was lucky to die young, he has a second chance. He could’ve continued being a materialistic asshole, or perhaps, he could’ve found love! Real love. He never experienced that before. The only thing he knew of love, what he could now clearly see, was all those negative feelings he had, his choices, his actions, was just his craving for it.'

The next moment he had heard a -ping!

“Well Sir, here’s your ticket!” He said as he ripped the ticket from the wacky looking contraption and handed it to Jeff.

‘HEAVEN’.

Tears flooded his eyes and the train started to speed up.

“One way ticket only.” The collector said with a serious look.

“Ticket please?”

Through happy tears, Jeff handed the ticket to the collector, who then started punching the ticket.

Jeff thought the collector was being funny, until he saw the collectors face.

It was sinister.

Punch, punch, punch.

The lights flickered and the collector was gone.

He bent down and picked up the ticket by his foot. It was covered in holes. He held the ticket away to look so he could make out the message.

Just kidding…

Jeff lost his stance as the train shook and the lights, again started flickering. Between the flicker of the lights, he could see the ticket was whole once more.

“H”, flicker, “E”, flick, “L”, flick.

Jeff started bawling.

“L”, flicker, flicker.

Jeff, lay on the floor of the violent and unnaturally fast train. He saw the destination printed on the ticket but couldn’t understand why. Jeff was 21 when he received his ticket to Hell. Johnny didn’t think he deserved it.