Ray of Sunshine

“Hi, I’m Eli!”

The bartender’s eyebrow twitched, the slightest indication that he had heard the person sidle up to the bar.  He made no attempt to greet the stranger – Wait, scratch that – the kid. Chubby cheeks flushed red from the frigid November air and large eyes filled with blissfully ignorant hope told him that the newcomer was barely legal drinking age, if not underage.

The bartender bit his tongue to stop from groaning, though his eyes betrayed him, rolling back into his head in annoyance. Turning away a meddlesome minor was not the ideal start to his Monday shift. Perhaps if he simply took his sweet time greeting the boy at the counter, he would get tired of waiting and leave.  

That would make his life easier.

“What’s your name?” The kid’s voice was chipper. Too optimistic.

The bartender remained silent as he placed all of the dirtied glassware into the rotating washer.  He stood in front of the machine, arms folded over his chest and a scowl painted across his face as the chemical steam rose in swirling spirals towards the ceiling. His nostrils flared, the potent scent tickling the inside of his nose.

It took approximately ninety seconds to clean every single glass. At least, it was something like that.  He got lost around second forty three.  He proceeded to remove the cups, polish the ones deemed fancy for a sleazy bar, and put them away, all in order to avoid conversation.

Crossing his fingers and toes, pleading to whatever bar deity in the sky, he spun on his heel in hope that he would find his counter empty.

Only, it wasn’t.

The kid was still there.  

He wore a red hoodie, with a yellow baseball cap pulled snugly over his shaggy black hair, brim turned towards the hood of his sweater in true hooligan fashion.  The fabric of the hat was frayed and stained with dirt, as if it had been passed down for generations and bore some sort of sentimental value.  He was rather small for someone posing as a young adult, shorter than average and quite slim.  He seemed completely at ease, a pleasant smile on his face that radiated a certain confidence.

The bartender figured he had read somewhere that self-assurance was the key to getting served.

The bartender stifled a snort of amusement.  The boy was sitting there, kicking his flip flops against the side of the bar, and smiling at a complete stranger in a greasy dive bar like he wasn’t out of place. His feet didn’t even reach the floor!

“Oi, you got any I.D.?” The bartender grumbled, bracing himself to crush the boy’s dreams.

The kid presented his identification in a flash, shooting the bartender a smile that made his eyes squint, disappearing as his cheeks rose to impossible heights.

He was legal.  Newly of age, at that.  

“Happy birthday, kid,” The bartender grunted, handing back the piece of plastic.

“I’m not a kid!” The smile faltered, replaced by an indignant frown, “You’re, like, two years older than me?”

“Fair enough. What should I call you then?” The bartender drawled, entirely disinterested in the conversation.  The last thing he wanted was for this brat to get wasted off one wine cooler and start reminiscing about his true love, his high school crush who got away.

“I told you,” The boy snickered, “I’m Eli.”

“Nick,” The bartender nodded curtly, “What can I get you, Eli?”

“Your cheapest beer, and a menu!”

 A glass, wet with condensation, slid across the wooden counter. If it wasn’t for Eli snagging the beverage as it neared the edge, it would have crashed to the ground.

He flashed the kid a forced grin of remorse, slamming down a laminated menu decorated with oily fingerprints.  

Eli snatched it up in a flurry of movement, taking a brief look at his options before licking his lips and staring at the man behind the counter with big, baleful eyes.  He resembled a puppy that was begging for a juicy steak.

Nick sighed, “You eating?” 

Eli eyed the menu once more, a slight hint of pink creeping across his face.  “I don’t have enough money,” He admitted, pursing his lips into an exaggerated pout.

Another twitch of the eyebrow. 

“You have enough for a beer, but not enough for a $5 burger?”

“I don’t have enough for the beer, either,” Shrugging, the kid took a gulp of the amber liquid in front of him.  As he returned the glass to the counter, he wrinkled his nose and spat, “Blah!”

Nick blinked.

“So,” He narrowed his eyes, using everything in his power to keep his voice level, “You come into a bar, with no money, and decide to order a beer – that you don’t even like – anyway?”

Eli’s shoulders rose to his ears once more.

Glancing around the empty dive bar, Nick weighed his options.  It was mid afternoon on a Monday – Too late for lunch, and too early for dinner.  As the only person working other than the cook, he was technically in charge, which meant he couldn’t pawn off the brat to a superior.  

Not that he was too busy to deal with it, of course.  Chances were, he wasn’t going to get any other customers until the late night hospitality staff rolled in. Something about ‘poor service’, as his manager had claimed. 

Eli was struggling through another sip of beer, squirming as the hoppy bitterness assaulted his mouth.  

Nick watched the display with an even expression, gears spinning in his head, angel and devil on his shoulders.

Oh, whatever. Fine.

He could foot the bill.

Turning on his heel and stepping into the kitchen,  he waved to the bear of a man beside the grill and called for a burger.  

He wasn’t sure what brought him to do it.  Maybe it was the kid’s big brown eyes, or his ugly yellow hat, or the way he smiled with all his teeth.  Maybe it was the confidence he radiated, or the courage that he had to possess in order to enter a shady bar alone without the required funds.

There was a story there, and even though Nick had no intention to pry, a part of him knew the kid needed something.

A bit of empathy.

A chance.

He didn’t know what had happened before Eli walked through those doors, and something about the kid lured the bartender in.

The cook placed a burger, with all the fixings and a hearty helping of fries, on a plate.

With a grunted, “Thanks,” Nick returned to the bar, grateful that no other strays had wandered into the restaurant while he had been in the kitchen. Placing the food in front of the teen at the counter, Nick chuckled as Eli eyed the patty, eyes bulging out of his skull and drool dripping comically from his lips.

A loud rumble sounded over top the classic rock crackling through the sound system.

Eli palmed at his stomach, looking to Nick for direction.

“It’s on me,” He grunted, stepping back to lean against the shelves of various alcohol on display.

“Wow, thanks Nick!  You’re cool,” He snickered a laugh that would be imprinted in the bartender’s mind as the most mischievous sound in the world.  

It was that moment that he decided, screw it, he liked the kid.  

“What brings you in here with no money, alone, on your birthday?” He asked, giving into the urge to go against his instinct and actively learn more about a stranger.  It wasn’t like he had anything else to do.

Eli spoke between bites of food, “I’m new in town.  Just got off the bus.” He stuffed a handful of fries between his lips, grains of salt sticking to the corners of his mouth.

Nick hummed in amusement as he watched his company wolf down the meal.  “Where from?”

Swallowing, Eli licked his lips before flashing the bartender another brilliant smile, “Does it matter?”

“Nah,” Nick found himself grinning, pouring Eli another beer – a lighter one, less bitter – as the boy downed the rest of his, making a face as he placed the glass on the counter.  

Those damn eyes shined like stars in the midnight sky as Eli watched Nick pour his drink. “You should be my friend. We can go apartment hunting.”

“Yeah?” The bartender snorted, “And how will you find an apartment with no money?”

The shoulders of the red sweater moved upwards for the third time, Eli beaming up at him from across the counter.

Nick knew the words that were about to roll off his tongue were illogical, insane even.  Nevertheless…

“I’ve got room for you.”

***

A rusty key turned in an aged lock, the door to Nick’s apartment creaking open ominously.  Nick chuckled, shooting a glance over his shoulder, half expecting to see a flash of regret across Eli’s face.

The teen stared at him excitedly, unassuming and completely at ease.

Mildly disappointed that he didn’t get a reaction out of the kid, he added, “Hope you’re not afraid of ghosts,” before stepping into the dark unit.

The exhilarated gasp should have come as no surprise. Eli’s wide eyes sparkled with wonder, not a trace of fear visible.

Flipping the light switch, Nick shrugged off his denim jacket as Eli raced into the room, launching himself onto his old couch with a hearty shout.

Nick winced at the noise.

Letting his new roommate lead the way, Nick followed Eli up the ironwood stairs, listening to him ramble on.

“You like to keep it simple, eh?  You must work out a lot, you have a lot of weights.  Are you strong? We should arm wrestle.  Oh, your bed looks so comfy!  I like your posters!  Man, is this my room?!”

Nick’s head swam, overwhelmed as the kid ricocheted from room to room.

“Yup, old roommate moved out a couple of days ago.  I was going to post an ad when I got home tonight. You had good timing.” He leaned against the door frame, watching Eli flop onto the bare mattress.  Nick doubted the kid had anything more than whatever was in the backpack he carried, but that wasn’t his business.

He wasn’t one to bare his feelings for the world to analyze, and thus saw no point in crying over his old roommate’s departure.  It wasn’t like they had been super close. They had often been around at opposite times, and Nick felt like he had gotten a bit shafted in his first co-habitation experience.

Roommate living wasn’t all Red Bull and video games at four in the morning, like so many movies claimed.

“Did you like them?” Eli’s eyes gazed curiously at the bartender in the doorway, some sort of deeper comprehension cutting right to his core.

“Didn’t see him much,” Nick grumbled. “You need anything else, Eli?”

Nick didn’t even need to look at him to hear that stupid smile in his voice.

“Nope! Thank you, Nick. For everything.”

***

Six months and Eli had wound himself into Nick’s life however possible.  

The cook had gotten the kid a job at his brother’s produce stall, conveniently located around the block from Nick’s bar.   Most days they would walk to work together, Eli blabbering about the show he had watched, or the new restaurant he wanted to try.  He always had that dumb smile on his face, those stars in his eyes.

Every now and then, he would meet another wanderer, bringing them to the bar as Nick closed up.  The first one had been a young woman with bruises on her arms, the second a timid teen with red rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks.  They ended up back on their feet with Eli’s selfless assistance, his reassuring confidence that everything would be okay.

Slowly Nick’s number of friends began to grow until he had a usual squad of ten people crowding around his bar on weekends, and knocking on his door at any hour of the day.

Eli would often host get-togethers at their apartment, drinking and dancing and eating to their heart’s content. Nick admired how his roommate would devote a significant amount of time to each guest, retreating to a corner away from the madness to ask how they were doing with enough sincerity to melt anyone’s heart.

Eli just had this effect on people. He drew them in and turned their grey world into a rainbow of vivid hues, lit solely by his sunny smile.  Everyone craved his presence, desired his company. When he looked at them with those encouraging eyes, he stoked the smoldering coals in their souls, long thought to have died out.

He made people smile again when they no longer thought it possible.

His easy going manner reminded everyone that it was always easier to smile than to frown, to appreciate the good while letting the bad dribble away like water off a duck’s back.

 The way he smiled at you and crinkled his eyes… Nick then understood how a cat felt when basking in a warm ray of sunshine.  

Nick swore it was an accident.

He hadn't meant to snoop.

He had simply been folding the laundry, having stepped into Eli’s room to put away a sweater he had borrowed.  He was going to be in and out. Fast enough that it wouldn’t be considered a breach of privacy.  

Yet, he had seen the prescription pills on the dresser, and when he turned on his heel to exit the room as quick as possible, he was met with an obstacle in the doorway.

Eli was quiet, a haunting distance in his dark eyes, a small frown tugging at his lips.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t know… I mean, I thought it would be fine if I…” Nick stumbled over the words, unsure of what to say.  

Did he ask what the medication was for?  Did he want to know?  Would that be prying into the past that Eli had always slyly avoided talking about?

Tilting his head slightly to the side, the younger man sighed. He stepped past Nick, taking a seat on the edge of the thin mattress. The room was suffocating, the silence heavy on Nick’s shoulders as Eli stared at his hands for a while.

“They’re antidepressants,” Eli murmured, his voice uncharacteristically small, yet still managing to echo through the quiet fog stifling the bedroom.  

Nick took two steps forward, folding his legs beneath him as he took a seat on the ground in front of the bed. Eli’s fingers trembled where he gripped at the denim coating his knees, his foot tapping anxiously against the floorboards.

He didn’t really know where to start. Eli had always been better at this sort of thing.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Nick offered, finally finding his words.

Eli nodded.  There was an air of defeat in the slump of his shoulders, a pain in his eyes that Nick couldn’t recognize.  Where was his best friend? His sunshine? Who dared obscure him beneath a thick, grey cloud?

“I ran away from home, you know, the day we met,” Eli started, his voice cracking under the weight of the words, smothering them.

He paused to take a deep breath, “Okay.  Okay, I can do this.”

“I started having panic attacks when I was 15. At least, ones that I could recognize as a panic attack.”  The tears were dotting the corners of his eyes and he broke eye contact to stare at the wall behind Nick, “They went hand in hand with an overwhelming sadness. I didn’t know how to manage it.  I was so sad, all the time.  No one ever wanted to be around me, because I was so sad.  Sad, and so alone.  All I could do for two years was sit around and be sad.  Eventually, the sadness became emptiness, and I started to feel so numb.”

“My grandpa took me to a doctor the day I ran away.  They prescribed me these.  Said something about ‘Major Depressive Disorder’, or whatever,” Eli pinched the bridge of his nose as he squeezed his eyes shut.  Nick knew this couldn’t be easy to talk about.  The younger man continued, “But, I didn’t want to take them.  I didn’t want to be anymore.  I was so tired.”

Nick’s blood ran cold.  No, he couldn’t be talking about…

No.

His reaction was not lost on Eli, as he chose his next words carefully, speaking slowly. “I knew I had two options, and I didn’t want to, well, you know, so I decided I wanted a fresh start instead.  I figured if I had a reason to start taking the pills, then I would, and I just couldn’t bring myself to care about anything then.  So, I packed a bag, borrowed some money from my uncle, and jumped on a bus.  I ended up here, at the bus station two blocks away from the bar.  Then, I met you.”

“So, you’ve been taking these for how long?” Nick was trying to digest all he had just learned.  

“Six months.”

“But, you…” He stumbled over the words.  It didn’t compute that his best friend had been suffering all this time and he hadn’t even noticed.  Had he been selfish to revel in his warmth when Eli had felt so very cold? “You seem so happy, all the time.”

Eli smiled, and Nick watched how, despite the sorrow of the moment, it still reached his eyes.  “I am happy, sometimes.  Our friends help.  You help.”

“Do the pills help?”

As the teen shrugged, Nick noticed that the kid was wearing the same red hoodie and dirty yellow cap as the day they met.  Six months of friendship and he hadn’t noticed.

“They take away the emptiness, but I still feel sad,” He admitted, “But I don’t mind the sadness as much anymore.  It’s better than feeling nothing all the time.  And, I like to think that if I’m capable of feeling sad, it also makes me capable of feeling happy.”

“Eli,” Nick’s voice was stern as he stared into Eli’s nervous and inexplicably guilty gaze, “Why do you act so happy even when you’re sad?”

He frowned, his brow furrowed in thought.  He made a soft, “Huh,” before offering, “No one wants to hang out with someone sad, and I don’t want to be alone again.  I don’t want to feel the things I feel when it’s just me.  So if I act happy all the time, and put my efforts into making other people happy, then we can all be together.”

Nick shook his head, his expression hard and unreadable.  He reached out with both hands and placed them on either side of the kid’s head.  “Listen to me,” He rumbled, serious as ever, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“What?”

“We’re your friends, right?  We care about you, all of us, and that means we care about your mental health too.  If you’re sad, be sad.  If you’re happy, be happy.  That’s not going to scare us off or make us not want to spend time with you,” He stated, narrowing his eyes as he predicted the following but what if they do, “And if someone has a problem with it, they aren’t a real friend anyway.  If every single one of the loveable idiots we call our friends decides they don’t have the time of day to try and cheer you up like you’ve cheered all of us up the last six months, then screw ‘em, ‘cause you know what?  You’ll always have me.”

Eli was speechless, tears having dried and anxious breathing having slowed to a normal pace.

“Doesn’t matter if you’re sad, or angry, or happy, or being a meddlesome brat.  I’ll love you, anyway.  I know I can’t just magically take your depression away, but I can be there for you, however you are.  Don’t hide yourself from me, Eli,” He finished, staring at the floor, heart pounding in his chest as he repeated the words in his head.

Had he said the right thing?

The room was uncomfortably silent once more.

Nick cleared his throat as he lifted his gaze.

The grin that split across Eli’s face was more dazzling than any burning star that Nick had ever seen, and he smiled in return.  

Thus, from that day forward, Nick never felt guilty for the days Eli was sad, and instead focused on increasing the number of days that Eli was happy.  He began to make an active effort to discuss his best friend’s day to day emotions, an infinite source of reassurance and validation.  If there was something Nick could do to help his roommate, he would, and if Eli insisted that he was fine, Nick would respect his boundaries and take his word for it, trusting the other man to let him know if something was wrong.

Eventually, Eli opened up about his struggle with his mental health and past trauma to their friends, and, surprising nobody but the kid himself, everyone had been more than supportive.  

He stopped hiding.  

He frowned when he wanted to frown, and smiled when he wanted to smile.  He said “no” when he didn’t want something, and started to ask for what he did want.  He stopped focusing on what would happen if he was just himself, instead of who he thought other people wanted him to be.  He made friends everywhere they went, and began to understand that saying “goodbye”, meant “see you again”, that parting once didn’t mean forever.  He bloomed like a flower fed by the sun, which was truly the perfect simile, for he himself was the sun, and he allowed himself to grow.  Nick was simply the rain, supporting the development of the plant.  

Then, one evening as they sat on their couch after a particularly long day, Eli started to laugh.  It was a familiar sound, though something was off.  When Nick turned towards him, he saw a trail of tears spilling into his lap.  

“Eli,” Nick jumped into action, “What’s wrong?”

He was smiling.

“Nothing.  I’m just really happy.”