Rainbow, See-into-my-Soul, 7967 Miles, Ocean Pearl, Moon, Profound and Butterflies

Mister Rainbow,

You have a power in you that I haven't seen in anybody else I've ever come across. Being trampled about in school like a stray dog, surrounded in this brick and mortar of people who don't have hearts, the lifestyle we're forced in never gave me a break and never allowed me to breathe. I didn't expect for life to get better.

Then, when we came across each other and walked on the floor of those malls, where every single set of eyes had to take a second to ponder you, and you mostly became owner to their double takes, you did your genuine utmost to convince me that they weren't looking at you, but that they were looking at me.

You meant it too. The way your words flowed when you spoke from every organ within your body, everyone would know it couldn't possibly be a lie. You genuinely thought people would turn to look at me. That amazes me.

And when I didn't believe you, you stopped me in front of a mirror and made me take a real look at myself, your hands on my shoulders so I wouldn't peek at anything else. I didn't see what you did no matter how hard I tried, and it made me wonder to this day what you saw from your eyes.

Did you not notice the frizz in my hair that was so stubborn I couldn't keep it nice? The clutter of blackheads all over my nose, the pimples on my forehead, or the crooked teeth right in the very front of my smile? How about how my nose is a little too wide for my liking, or my skin tone never matches anything I wear?

What is it that made you look at me with enough admiration that you felt inclined to choose me? What brought you to make that kind of decision? Is the only thing you saw in me was how I glowed every time you were with me? Because I can't credit myself for that. You're the reason for that glow and that shine. I've never shined anything like that before.

If that's the case, I'm only beautiful if I'm with you, and I'll never glow that way again.

Is that all in my head? I still don't understand what it is you saw in me in the first first place.

But I'll never forget that day. Everyday when I wake up in the morning and I take a look in the mirror, I'm going to remember how it's this very face that you found something to admire, and somehow made me feel like it's the most beautiful face you've ever come across.

Maybe I don't necessarily have to understand why. I can search my face from here on out and not know what it is about me that turned your head, but at least I can feel appreciated and treasured for the things about me that I can't change.

Thank you for leaving that behind for me, even if you did have to go much too soon.

Thank you for helping me grow while you were here.

-C.L.

-

Mister See-Into-My-Soul,

I honestly should've given everything up to be with you. There wasn't a single red flag, and there were signs everywhere that it was the right thing to do. It just made sense, and stupidly, as logical as it was, I fought against it. Why did I even care about what other people would think of me? Why was I too afraid to take the leap? There wasn't anything that should've been holding me back.

Not when I could act what most people would call 'drunk' and out myself out there for the fun of it without judgment. Not when every time I asked for a small shake, you'd buy me a large. Not when every time you made me laugh I grew warm and fuzzy all over, inside out.

Every small detail didn't make you eye roll, make you grow irritated, or cause you annoyance. We were happy in the times we had together and never did we wish it would be any way else. You called me beautiful when I just woke up in the morning, when toward others I'd make sure they'd never catch sight of me, and you called my just-awoken voice cute. For the first time in my life, I'd believe it when I heard it, or I'd at least grow slowly more confident.

You saw my tears, and you caught every single one of them before they fell, and you let me know that a person like me didn't deserve to hurt and that I shouldn't settle for less. Ever since then, I knew that you were worthy of my trust no matter what would become of us.

When I didn't have an appetite and refused to eat, you always checked in with me and made sure that I ate that day or took care of myself in general, even when you were far away from me. You prioritized me despite me being out of your sight and I was constantly on your thoughts.

You were the only one I've ever met that noticed not by asking but simply by observance that I don't like soda because of the fizz, and that I prefer tea over coffee, but that I'll survive drinking coffee if it's the only option, and you're the only one who noticed that I found serenity in those rare days when the sun was out but a light rain still poured, or when a mini breeze came through.

You learned I was ticklish literally everywhere, and you used that to your advantage, but once you saw that one look I gave you, you knew when to call it quits and you were the first one that came to me to comfort me when something sudden happened, because you know that I'm legit afraid of everything. You'd spend a little bit of time teasing me for it once it passed and I got over it, and somehow, even I don't know how, you knew exactly how that was.

You're the one who liked my simple nature and who didn't nag at me for not trying to dress nicer or more elegantly.

You put up with all my idiotic little quirks, and while you did it you acted like it was the biggest privilege of your life. Because of that, we built our bond on the small things, and it turned us into something awe-inspiring.

Tell me, how could I ever get better than you?

-C.L.

-

Mister 7,967 Miles,

When I got back to my hometown, I broke up with my girlfriend nearly straight away. Since I already tried to do it in person, I didn't think it mattered to do it via text, and besides, that way, she wouldn't be able to make much of a statement. I wasn't next to her. There's nothing she could do about it.

I gave her one last chance not to fix the relationship, but to explain herself and to at least end on a semi-good note, because as rude as she was, I didn't want to hate someone forever. That was a waste of my energy.

We tried getting on better terms until she stopped replying, and I saw right there that even trying to end things peacefully was an effort entirely in my hands. With that burden off my shoulders, I let myself get close to you without anything to hold me back from it. As a free person, I was allowed to feel anything I wanted for you without being tied down to miserableness.

I didn't rush to you right away. I know love isn't something to rush. Last time I did anything of the sort I killed myself, and besides, I didn't know what you'd think of me if I asked you to let me jump from her to you in such a quick instant. I understood what that would look like.

Instead, I took that time to build us up and become even closer than we were when we meant, despite the distance in between us, and I valued every all nighter I pulled to communicate with you.

At one point, a long time ago, I promised myself I would never fall in love, but one day came along that I thought I did. I was wrong. Very wrong, but during those days we'd spend every moment to talk to each other, and I'd be up at 4 am laughing at your corny jokes, without realizing time had passed by, I didn't think it this time. I knew.

I already knew before then, but the more time that passed I became more sure. There's nothing in this world that fits together like this. It's like this story of ours was already prewritten.

This feeling I had for you -- it made me happy. Happier than I've been in a very long time, and without the reins to hold down that emotion, I felt like I was flying or floating, or I don't know exactly -- somehow gliding across the sky. I felt light like I had no guilt to hold. I wasn't chained to a wall anymore. I had the whole ocean to swim in, and every piece of land to explore.

Those times, no matter what was between us, I knew that this is what I was born for. It was you whose shoulder I was meant to cry on. I wouldn't have to cry myself to sleep on a hard day when I had you.

I wasn't alone in this crazy world anymore.

I finally had someone to rely on.

Someone to get me through when I thought I couldn't go on anymore, and I had nothing to stop me.

You were the one.

You are the one.

-C.L.

-

Mister Ocean Pearl,

Maybe being concerned about how you would think of me wasn't the only reason I didn't chase after having a relationship with you right away. Maybe I was afraid too, and among that maybe you started to feel like I'd never have feelings for you.

I understand if you felt that way. It'd be easy to do, and I'd probably feel the same way.

But after entering a relationship that tore me apart unexpectedly, since of course I wouldn't put myself through that on purpose, and being the observant person that I am about other people's lives, I couldn't help but be a little bit afraid, regardless of how bad I wanted you.

When I was in only elementary school, my best friend would come to class with bruises and scrapes all over her face and body, so new to her skin and to her mentally too, that she'd still be shuddering when she walked through the door. "My dad said it's because he loves me," she'd say innocently and naive.

As a child, they claim that's what love is.

As a child, we listen.

When I got to middle school, and we moved deeper into the city, across the hallway in my apartment complex, a pre-teen my age would constantly stop by our door asking for help with his homework. Even though I was growing up and wanted independence, I always wondered why he needed help from us and not his parents. He said his dad abandoned the family when he was young, and that his mother had an alcohol addiction.

As a pre-teen, we claim people mean well.

As a pre-teen, we put up with things.

When I reached high school, my seatmate attempted to hang herself in the school bathroom because her girlfriend cheated on her with someone else, and it put the entire campus into chaos when the ambulance pulled up to entrance doors and rushed her to the nearest hospital.

As a teenager, heartache burns like a fire when we never felt heat in our lives.

As a teenager, love becomes something you fear.

When I graduated, my own tutor for my second language lesson couldn't focus on what she was teaching because she was too consumed about the boy who got her pregnant and ran off without a word. She'd say she was okay, but a pencil wouldn't keep still in her hands, and the warm beverage in her cup spilled every time she held it.

As an adult, we become just as lost as we were when we were kids.

As an adult, we feel small taking on this big world.

We can grow up and grow up and grow up and still get tangled into the mess of this wicked world. We're never immune. We need to heal, get back up and continue walking like we never got bitten.

But looking back on it, I sincerely feel that you would've been good for me. That maybe I was taking too many precautions and being far too hesitant.

Yet now I'll never know.

I'm too late.

And I doubt, in this case, that I'm better off not knowing.

I want to know what it's like to love you and what it's like to feel your love all at once.

Should I have took the plunge?

-C.L.

-

Mister Moon,

Our late night chats really tied us together, and we were both throwing in the effort to keep in touch even when we were far apart. We didn't have any label that would make us have any obligation or expectation to do such a thing. We just started to enjoy each other's company more and even in texts, I think you saw in the tone or whatever that time with you is what I wanted the very most, and you showed your true colors -- every bit of you where I fell for every piece.

I always found that line cliché; that even if you don't know someone entirely when you love them, it's okay. As long as you know a little about them then, you'll love everything that comes along. It sounds like something someone made up to me, because the negative aspect of a person is usually the last to come to the surface especially if there was some level of attraction-- but the line proved true with you. The more I got to know you, the more you made an impression, no matter how crazy you wanted to be.

In the midst of your rants and complaints session, which you always tended to have nearly have on the daily, you came up with a new topic and that was the fact that my birth name was too dang long, of course, as a joke. There's always going to be something out there that you find to complain about.

Even if Paradise arrived, I feel like you'd still find something to go on about. That's part of who you are, I learned, and personally, I found it entertaining. It made our conversations more laid back and personal.

To retaliate (not very well) I explained that the name I get when I'm born has nothing to do with me and that it is not in anyway my fault that my name is long, but my parents, and also your own laziness for getting irritated by a name that you have to do nothing but type.

This is texting. Not cross country, after all.

That's when you came up with a nickname for me that nobody's called me by before, and I admired it once you said it. I don't know if that's because it came from you, or if you have a talent for coming up with such things, but I must admit I actually appreciated your little complaint leading up to something so gorgeous.

I felt special to have a name that only you called me. It represented the connection I had with you that I didn't have with anybody else. It proved that our friendship wasn't just a one-time-chat kind of thing, but one that meant something.

It meant that we grew stronger every single day and that what I ruined was coming back around.

But now that you're gone, I don't think exactly that way anymore. I don't want the name to die with you. I want everyone to know me by the name you started. The name you gave me.

I want everyone to carry a piece of you with them through me, even if they have no idea about it.

I might be crazy, but it's true.

You're meant to be remembered.

-C.L.

-

Mister Profound,

After you passed, I'm certain the air started to feel different, and until now, it hasn't returned to the state it was in when you were here.

Sunsets don't appear to be as gorgeous as they used to be. I don't feel like waking up early in the morning is worth it just to watch the sunrise, when I used to do without an alarm clock; my own excitement would wake me up. The view from the top of a mountain doesn't astonish me like it did when we hiked together, and suddenly I'm afraid of heights. Sand between my toes and the waves up my calves spikes my flight or flight. Living in a world landlocked, it used to be the only thing I longed for.

Life isn't the same.

I don't know why I perceive the world differently, but I'm certain at least part of the reason is that every time I'd see such sights I'd think about the day you'd see it with me if you haven't yet, and now what it leads me to now is heartbreak because I know that I wasted all my time sneaking around the bush rather than going for it head on.

That's not all though. It doesn't make sense, but somehow I can swear on it. I've felt this myself. Once this earth recognized you were gone and out, every single touch of magic died with you, buried six feet deep. From then on, it failed to understand what gentleness means, as well as light, and beauty galore.

You were its leader, and without you the good things in this world no longer had a home.

It might not have much sense, but it does explain why everything and everyone that caught sight of you would quiver and tremble before your feet. Your beauty on the inside and on the inside made every form of life weak in the knees, that they couldn't help but to collapse and wallow in struggle as they tried standing, but not one could complain.

We might have went weak, but we were too distracted by your natural hypnotizing that we didn't have the energy to complain. We didn't mind either, because we were blessed by simply having the ability to see. Maybe we didn't realize it at the time, but now we feel what's missing and it hits us hard.

I know I'm not the only one.

Your beauty was terrifying, but it was terrifying in every good way there can be, and it did something even if we can't say specifically what, to every single one of us.

The earth craves for you now. It understands what its lost. It can finally comprehend just how beautiful you were when we saw you -- at the time it went way over our heads.

That's what people like to say. That you don't realize how much you value someone until they're gone.

But it's not because we didn't care. It's not because we didn't pay attention.

It's because we did.

-C.L.

-

Mister Butterflies,

I started trying to tell myself that asking you out was a "now or never" kind of thing. At first, I didn't think I could bring myself to tell you the very words that spring up in my head every time I remember you because of what I did to you before, but our bond was improving and becoming open and allowing me to taste true freedom. I told myself that maybe it's not as impossible as I thought it was.

Maybe it wasn't too late yet.

I put my entire being into the courage I would need to tell you the feeling that's been swelling up within me since day one. Every measure of electricity had to be gathered together and sent out just to type a short paragraph into my phone, and as lacking of romantic ways I had to tell you what I wanted to, I gave my best.

For a while, my best was just making the backspace key my closest friend. I'd have everything written out, and I couldn't build up the bravery to send it. I'd battle with it again and again, and right when I think that I'm ready and have given myself one more additional pep talk, it'd come out victorious as it always has. 100-0 streak and counting.

There were too many times to count that I'd want to confess, yet moments later I'd find myself saying 'goodnight', claiming I was going to turn in.

I never did. I lied. I couldn't sleep if I wanted to.

I wonder what you thought of me then. If you thought I was distancing myself out of nowhere, and all of the sudden, after we worked so hard to get as far as we did. I wasn't meaning to, I can assure you of that, but it's so easy for it to come out of that way.

What can I say? I was nervous. I know people would be telling me that there's nothing to be afraid of, but when you're in the situation yourself, anyone would be petrified. After all, the answer of that person would significantly change the way you live your future, and you can lose everything you were so happy to have.

But the urge to be greedy over you was far stronger than anything else residing within me. It might have took try after try, but I was determined not to give up. Even as a person who tended to call it quits way too soon, I couldn't do that when it came to you.

You're too precious to stop chasing. I'd run after you until my lungs couldn't take it anymore and they'd explode. It might not seem like much from an outside angle, but I really did give my all. Did you notice the effort I tried to repay? What I tried to make up to you?

Probably not. Why would you?

If you did or you didn't, I guess it doesn't matter. I just wish you knew how much you mean to me.

I wish you knew that you became the meaning of my day, my home, and my life. As dark as the world got, I was comforted simply knowing I had you -- my love, and my other half.

The one who resurrected the butterflies in my veins.They died again when you did.

And they're still in deep slumber.

They'll never wake up again.

-C.L.