Quarantine Baby

A new play I'm working on about a couple splitting up during Covid-19 then immediately having to go on a lockdown and stay inside with each other. A romantic dramady that is still in its very early stages.

Lights up on an apartment living room. There’s a lazy boy recliner center stage turned towards a tv. There are empty gift boxes that are all pink stacked on a sofa upstage left. There are also some gift bags with “it’s a girl!” on them. Downstage right there is a half-made crib. Dave sits on the recliner, asleep. Madison enters holding grocery bags. She closes the door behind her then tries to navigate through the clutter of the room without waking Dave. It appears she’s about to make it out of the living room when a bag from under her arm slips and falls to the floor, waking Dave.

Dave

You’re home early. (Dave grabs the remote from the arm of his chair and turns off the tv).

Madison

There wasn’t any traffic on the ten. (She begins to bend down to pick up the fallen groceries, only dropping more stuff).

Dave

Here put down what you have, and I can pick this up.

Madison

I got it. (She drops more groceries).

Dave

No, you don’t. I don’t even think you should be on your feet right now; don’t you have swollen ankles?

Madison

I’m fine. I’m pregnant, not made of glass.

Dave

Hold this. (Dave grabs a can and places it on Madison’s pregnant belly. It stays steady as he reaches for more stuff).

Madison

Great, it’s nice to know I have a future as a shelf.

Dave

If you’re going to be spending all this time with that thing in your stomach-

Madison

Don’t call our baby a thing.

Dave

Then you might as well put it to good use.

Madison

Yes, because that’s why I got pregnant, not because I wanted to be a mother or to start a family with you but for my shopping convenience.

Dave picks up the rest of the fallen groceries and heads off stage. He returns with a bottle of beer.

Dave

Did you visit your mom today?

Madison

Jesus Dave it’s barely 2 and you’re drinking already.

Dave

Come on, it’s just one before I go to work what’s the big deal?

Madison

The big deal is that you’re going to work.

Dave

Everyone does it.

Dave sits back down on his lazy boy. The tv turns back on.

Dave

So, did you go by your mom's?

Madison

No, I didn’t get the chance. But I called her. She doesn’t have what’s going around.

Madison takes off her jacket and throws it on the floor. She crosses to the sofa and makes room for herself among the bags.

Dave

I told you. I think it’s just a myth. The government is trying to get people scared.

Madison

You sound just like my dad. (Starts taking off her shoes).

Dave

Well, he’s right. Do you know of anyone who got sick from it?

Madison

(Beat) My sister- (She points at Dave with her shoe).

Dave

Your sister got it?

Madison

No. My sister’s coworker’s husband. He got it.

Dave

You know a guy, who knew a guy who got it? Come on Madison, that’s a load of bull.

Madison

Ok, what about your boss?

Dave

What about him?

Madison

Didn’t he get it?

Dave

(He sits up in the recliner) He did not get it I already told you. –

Madison

Oh yeah it was just a bad case of the flu, right? Well, tell me how many cases of the flu makes you lose your sense of taste?

Dave

Literally every case of the flu. You’re all messed up and congested you can’t taste anything. That’s why nothing tastes good.

Madison

See! You said it doesn’t taste good that means there’s still a taste.

Dave

Oh, whatever potato, tomato.

Madison

.. what?

Dave

Potato, Tomato

Madison

You’re saying it wrong its potato, po-tah – toe

Dave

Who would say potato, potahtoe?

Madison

That’s the point, that’s the saying

Dave

Why would anyone say the right way to say potato and then say it wrong, it makes no sense!

Madison

But saying “potato, tomato” does?

Dave

You have a disagreement with someone you say “potato, tomato” it’s two different things, two different opinions. It’s symbolic!

Madison

Symbolic for what? Sounding like an idiot?

Dave

An idiot says potahtoe!

Madison

Look it up right now!

Dave

No, I don’t want to!

Madison

Because you know you’re wrong!

Dave

No, it’s because I haven’t cleared my search history and I don’t want you to see me start to type potato-

Madison

Stop. You’re disgusting! When do you even find time to do that? Don’t you have better things to do? Like painting our nursery.

Dave

I told you I paint better at night.

Madison

Who paints at night, the lighting is awful?

Dave

I do! It makes me focus. The less light the better.

Madison

You literally make no sense!

Dave

Also, who paints a baby’s bedroom light green? Do you want it to look like it sneezed all over the walls?

Madison

Green is the new pink, I told you! Did you not read the article I sent you?

Dave

I don’t even read for fun, what makes you think I’m going to read an article?

Madison

I can’t believe you, I’m out all day, pregnant, feet the size of watermelons!

Dave

I knew you had swollen feet!

Madison

That’s not the point Dave! The point is you haven’t been doing anything except sitting on your ass and drinking.

Dave

That’s not true. I built the crib. (Raises his hand toward the half-made crib)

Madison

That’s a safety hazard.

Dave

It’s a perfectly fine crib.

Madison

Did you read the instructions?

Dave

I’m a man.

Madison

So, no?

Dave

What is your deal today?

Madison

What is my deal? Did you seriously just ask me that? (Beat) I’ve been running errands all day. Driving through afternoon traffic. Trying to get things done before I can’t walk anymore. And you’re just sitting here on your ass.

Dave

I built the crib!

Madison

You build a trap for our kid.

Dave

It’s a decent crib. Kids in Africa would be lucky to have that crib!

Madison

They have better chances on the floor.

Dave

Why do you have to do that?

Madison

Do what?

Dave

What you always do. Take something I’m proud of and just shit on it. You’re a- proud shitter.

Madison

If anyone is a proud shitter, it’s you! I told you I got the promotion and you just shrugged it off like it was nothing. We spent the night watching tv like we always do!

Dave

Sorry I didn’t jump for joy at the fact you finally got a promotion at a job you’ve been working at for five years! They treat you like crap and you just barely got a promotion.

Madison

No, you treat me like crap.

Dave

It's tough love.

Madison

You’ve been giving me tough love for the past 10 years. When will it be normal love?

Dave

What you want me to bring you lunch every day at work? Do you want me to rub your feet and let you choose what to watch? Great! I can’t wait to spend every night watching “Jeopardy” like I’m an elderly man.

Madison

I wish you would do those things! That’s what husbands do. They do romantic stuff because they want to.

Dave

I do romantic stuff all the time.

Madison

I don’t remember the last time you did something romantic for me.

Dave

How do you think I got you pregnant? It wasn’t luck. Romance baby!

Madison

You’re going to need luck if you ever want to get me pregnant again.

Dave

Good thing I don’t!

Madison

(Beat) What?

Dave

(Beat) I don’t want any more kids.

Madison

What do you mean? This is all we’ve ever talked about. We’d have two girls and one boy. We named them and everything.

Dave

That’s all you’ve ever talked about. I’m not even sure if I want to be a dad and here you are pregnant, and I’m just scared out of my mind.

Dave gets up and walks to the crib.

Madison

Do you even want this one? Do you want me to get rid of it?

Dave

What are you talking about? You’re already too far in. I-I don’t want you to get rid of it. I’m just... scared. What if it- the baby, doesn’t like me?

Madison

Oh, Davey. They’ll love you. You’re already so much better than your dad. You know why?

Dave

Why?

Madison

Because when you found out I was pregnant, you stayed. You were so happy.

Dave

How are we even going to do this? I don’t know anything about being a dad. I can’t even build a crib.

Madison

You’ll figure it out.