Pies in the sky

The first time me and my brother ran away from the institution, we were 5 and 6 years old. We made it as far as the edge of the town square, hiding in cobbled alleyways and camouflaging with store front mannequins. The guards had a hard time finding children but there were enough of them. They caught us at the corner because you had to cross the street and there was no place for cover. It was the harbour after the open street.

Since I could remember, my brother had been looking for the one he called our mother. He was convinced she was waiting for us at the harbour. He told me about her. “Jaclyn. You have no idea. She is warm like pancakes and she smells like dandelions. When she hugs you, you feel like everything is okay.” Most times he had a hard time describing her “She’s just mother. That’s all.”

He was also the only person to call me Jaclyn. To make my name different. Every girl here was Jackie. All the boys were Jack.

At first, I didn’t believe him, who was this woman? But he had proof he claimed. One day, he took me behind the institution, warning me not to tell a soul about what I was going to see. Behind the furnace attached to the brick walls, he bent down and removed a part of a broken and cracked brick. He reached in and pulled out a silver heart shaped locket. “This is hers. She gave it to me when she left, promising she would come back.” As he showed me the necklace, I could see that to him mother was real and she was returning. I wished he didn’t believe that, I wished he never had that inkling of hope.

At times I felt grateful I had never met mother. I didn’t miss her. I didn’t feel empty like Jack, who cried often. Only I knew his crying corner. He always retreated to it when the teachers yelled at him or when he was punished. He was also punished often.

It was easy to see why. Here we were planning our escape yet again. “This time when we get to the harbour, we are going to have Jack help us”

“Huh?”

And Jack came into our little circle of two. Jack was an older boy, older than my brother. Apparently, he was an experienced escapee. He said he made it further than the harbour once before getting caught. He still got caught, but just making it to the harbour was enough for us, because she would be there. “We need his help” Jack assured me.

“Jack is going to act as bait and distract the guards while we run away. He is going to create a scene”

“What’s in it for him?” I asked.

“We’ll come back for him. After we find mother, she’ll come with us to get him too”

Dubious but wanting Jack to find mother, I went along with it like I always do. He was most animated when he was coming up with our escape plans. I liked it when he wasn’t sad. When he wasn’t hurting.

The next morning, we packed our items in our backpacks yet again. We saved our sandwiches from breakfast to take as nourishment for later in our journey. Teachers patrolled the long rectangle dinner tables to make sure we were eating so we pretended to chew and ripped the crusts, leaving them in our plates.

We also had a map Jack made based on our previous attempts. It had the town square from the institution to the harbour. With every escape attempt, he added more details. The map had more store fronts and alleys now than when we first started.

At recess, when we were let out to exercise and socialize, me and Jack made our way to the edges of the fence. There was one area of bushes in the back where we had dug a hole big enough for a kid to crawl through and come out on the other side of the wired diamond patterned net. I doubted Jack would be able to fit. He was to meet us there.

When we arrived, a teacher greeted us with crossed arms and a scowl on her pointed face. While surprised, it didn’t take us long to realize that Jack had told on us. Jack was taken to the head mistress’ office on the top floor. I followed him as far I could go, which was to her large mahogany door. From there, Jack was led in alone.

I squatted in front of the door, there for when he got out. What happened next, my ears couldn’t handle, the piercing howl of Jack’s voice, sounds a decibel I hadn’t heard before, followed by thwacks. Multiple thwacks. They continued until the screaming stopped.

Jack came out, led by the teacher who had found us earlier. His eyes were puffy from tears and his lip was broken skin, from biting to hold his screams in. He knew I was listening. I got up to follow him and noticed he was limping. The backs of his calves were bloodied in horizontal lines, scars that could only have been made by a long wooden stick.

“This is what happens when you try to run” the teacher said. You wouldn’t be able to run anymore. Message received. I felt insurmountable hatred for Jack. What did he get out of this?

Jack received bandages from the resident nurse but he limped for days after that. Our hole was filled with dirt. Jack was defeated. He stopped talking. He didn’t even cry anymore. He just moved lifelessly from lesson to lesson.

A few days later, Jack came to talk to us at recess when we were squatting in our corner. “Jack, I am really sorry, I had no idea that they would do it that bad to you” Jack’s gaze remained downcast.

“Go away!” I got up and screamed at him, my hands in fists “we don’t want to talk to you and we don’t want to see your ugly face!” that wasn’t true. Jack wasn’t ugly. In fact, he looked a lot like me and Jack.

“Please Jack, you had to learn. There’s no one out there for us. Even if you make it past the corner and onto the harbour, there’s no one there, no one is waiting.”

I pushed Jack “don’t come here!” then I turned to Jack “don’t listen to him. We’ll try again. Your legs will get better and we’ll try again.” He looked up at me, finally teary eyed. “she’s real, you know that, you have the necklace” I whispered.

“Fine. If you really believe that, I’ll take you! To see for yourself that there’s no one there. There’s no mother, and no father. You ignore what they say about us. We don’t have parents. We’re just here to do what they want” he screamed.

“And what do they want then?” I provoked.

“They want us to be the same”

“And why is that?”

“Because they want us to take each other’s place when we grow up”

What? That made no sense. Jack had no idea what he was saying.

“You’ll take us? How can we trust you this time?”

“Meet me at the front gate after breakfast”

I didn’t want to trust him but I wanted to give Jack hope again. That morning, I forced him to go through what was routine for us now. We packed our bags, siphoned the sandwiches.

At the gate, Jack showed us that we could just go out because we were small enough to fit through the black metal bars. As long as we came during unnoticeable hours. He wasn’t able to fit anymore but once we were out, we just had to wait for a car to come through and hold the gate open. A car came soon enough and all three of us followed the map to the edge of the town square, once again hiding in the alleyways and camouflaging in the store fronts.

We always came at recess but I noticed that at this time, right after breakfast, the town square was crowded with adults. It was much easier to blend in. However, we still caught a guard’s eye “Hey, stop right there!”

We jumped at his voice and all three of us ran as fast as our legs could take us. So close to the corner, so close to the harbour.

“I’ll distract him and run that way, you guys go” Jack said breathlessly. We nodded and we split up at the last second.

“Hey tinhead! Come here!” He goaded the guard into chasing him, redeeming himself to us.

We did it. We crossed the street and were at the harbour. It would be much easier to blend in now, there were shipment crates across the pier. What next though? Where would we find mother?

We walked back and forth for hours, shifting from behind crates. Mother was not there. The streets emptied again and we waited for her to come. Jack grasped the locket tightly, his hands turned red. The heat beat down on us and we were hungry, having eaten our sandwiches some time back. Didn’t mother know to come to us? Wasn’t she waiting for us here?

Around sunset, the streets got busy again. “Let’s just head back” Jack said. I didn’t want to. I wanted to meet mother. I wanted to experience her pancake warmth and dandelion scent.

Feeling heavy and broken hearted, we gave up and started heading back. “Maybe she didn’t know today was the day. We should try again tomorrow. She can’t come every day, she probably checks once in a while.” Jack said. Feeling a lot like how I knew him. Hopeful.

By stroke of luck, Jack looked up and amongst the crowd in the town square “Mother?”

I looked at him in shock “Mother??”

He ran up to an unknown woman and grabbed her. “Mother, I thought you weren’t coming. I missed you so much”

The woman was visibly startled. She moved Jack away “I'm not your mother”

“What?” Jack now equally startled, took several steps back creating distance between himself and the stranger. “Mother, why are you saying that? Do you no longer want me? Did you never want me? Is that why you left me there?”

The woman’s face even more confused, she reached out, with a gentler tone this time “Jack, come with me. I’ll take you home.” I wasn’t comforted. She wasn’t warm at all. She held Jack’s hand and started walking, gesturing towards me to join them. I went too.

The woman took us back to the institution. The teachers were lenient this time, probably understanding this was what we needed to give up.

That was the last time we tried to find mother.

When we turned 34 and 35, Me and Jack were sworn-in as members of British parliament, groomed for future roles in cabinet. I recalled what Jack told us years ago. He was exactly right but it was something we didn’t comprehend as children.

When the pandemic of 2020 wiped out nearly half the population a hundred years ago, it also sparked a global crisis in succession. Many world leaders died, so governments started creating them using science. Me and Jack didn’t have parents because we were bore of a carefully genetically calculated procedure. Our genes were chosen based on qualities deemed superior and resilient. We were trained from a young age to behave a certain way.

The woman that was Jack’s mother was just the surrogate, ordained to carry him. She didn’t even feel his birth having been numb throughout the procedure. She only spent a few years with him during the period babies required breast feeding. She didn’t love him. We had to lead so we couldn’t be loved.

That wasn’t true.

I loved him.