Personal Hell

The loud beeping of the alarm clock echoed through the darkness of Sebastian’s room. He groaned and pulled the covers over his head, trying to block out the noise. A cool hand slid across his chest as Amber’s body pressed up against his back. She leaned in close and whispered in his ear, “Time to get up, my love.” She brushed a tender kiss on his cheek as she snuggled in close.

A chill ran up Sebastian’s spine as he rolled over and groped for the alarm clock and slammed his hand down on top, stopping the annoying buzzer.

Throwing the covers away, Sebastian slid his legs off the side of the bed until his bare feet landed on the cold wood floor. Groaning and stretching, he glanced over at the clock, which read four in the morning. Then, hanging his head in his hands, he slipped back into his mind.

“The nightmares always come more frequently the closer it gets to the day of reckoning. But this year, it’s different; it’s as if I could feel her with me, hear her speak not just in my dreams but while I am awake.”

He dropped his head forward, allowing his fingers to slide through his long black locks. Then, standing, he crossed the room and into the bathroom. He stepped from wood to tile and flicked on the lights. The bulbs above the sink flickered then came to life, which momentarily blinded Sebastian, causing him to lift his hands to shield his eyes.

Maneuvering his way to the shower, he fumbled around searching for the knob on the wall. Grabbing the small, slender handle, he pulled it to the right, causing water to spray out into the small glass box. He began to drift off into his mind again.

“All I have seen this last week is Amber as if she were haunting me everywhere I go. Sometimes I cannot even tell if I am awake or asleep, or what I’m seeing is real or just memories.”

Within seconds steam had already started to rise, so Sebastian stepped into the shower, allowing the scalding water to pour over him like a waterfall. He took in several deep breaths as the water fell all around him, his mind opened up, and he remembered how it used to be when Amber would wrap her arms around him from behind and lay her head upon his shoulders.

Even with the steam captured within the small glass box, he called a shower, a cold chill ran through him. At that moment, Sebastian shivered, and that’s when he felt it, a pair of chilled hands sliding across both sides of his ribs and locking around his waist. He tensed up even more when that same cold fell against his back and shoulders.

“No need to worry, my love, it is just me,” came Amber’s sweet melodic voice over his shoulder. Sebastian turned quickly to face the voice and found himself staring into the shimmering face of his dead wife. His first instinct was to bolt, but her glow intensified, and she began to warm, her touch so familiar it made his muscles calm and his skin burn.

“Why are you here, after all these years?” he asked as his eyes fixated on hers—those deep green orbs which had always mesmerized him.

“I am here to help you.”

“Help me with what exactly?”

“Isn't it obvious? I want to help you move on. Get past losing the baby and me."

"I am not ready for that," he said as his head and eyes dropped to the floor, and he turned away. The hot water sprayed him in the face, but he did not care. Her arms slipped around him once again, and his legs nearly gave out on him as he went limp.

"Remember, even though you don't see me doesn't mean I am not with you," she whispered. "Remember how our love affair got started."

"I remember the dust cloud coming up the gravel road, trailing behind the large black truck that roared towards me,” he said as his hands instinctively slid along her hips like they always had before. “The truck pulled up at the apartment across from mine, and this beautiful red-haired, green-eyed girl stepped out.” They pulled each other close, with the hot water flowing over her translucent body's coolness steaming up the small space. “You were like an angel; right there, before my eyes, it was as if I were witnessing a miracle on Earth. I moved towards you, and you took off when I got close. I gave chase, but you were too quick and too smart for me; I lost sight of you and stopped.” He pulled back so that he could look into those deep pools of green that were her eyes. “I was going to give up, and there you were right behind me. We were so close I almost thought we were going to kiss."

"We were only six; I can't believe you thought I was going to kiss you,” she said as she gently punched his shoulder.

"We were nose to nose; what else would you expect me to think," he said with a smile. "I have missed this, and I’ve missed the way you make me feel." He slid his hands over hers and interlaced their fingers. "I just miss you."

"I miss you too," she said as she faded into the steam of the shower.

After Sebastian had dressed, he walked into the small closet. There he retrieved a small, polished box off of one of the shelves and brought it over, and placed it on the bed. Unfolding a blue silk cloth, Sebastian laid it open on the end of the bed. He knelt and took in a deep breath before opening the box. Inside was a beautifully polished decorative dagger. It was silver wrapped around an onyx handle, and the blade was doubled and sharpened so fine it could split a hair in two. He slowly removed the small dagger from its box and placed it on the cloth. He wrapped it gently and slipped it into his duffle bag.

Sebastian opened the door of his truck and threw his bag across the cab. He climbed in and shut the door; his stomach felt like he had eaten ten large boulders. He laid his head upon the steering wheel and thought to himself.

"Why does she want me to move on? You would think she would want me to hold on to everything we once had together. Especially since we do not get to share any new memories."

He started the engine, put the truck in gear, and with a yank of the steering wheel and his foot on the gas, the tires spun around in the mud, sending rocks and dirt flying. The truck carved its way around the circular drive and headed toward the road. Then, he hooked a left at the end of the driveway in the direction of the interstate.

It was at least an hour's drive to get to the Rodchester's Estate; his body was stiff, and muscles weary from fatigue. The road was long, and hardly any other cars were out on the highway during the morning. Sebastian began to drift into sleep when he felt that familiar cool hand upon his shoulder.

"Don't fall asleep," whispered Amber, and he turned to the passenger side of the truck and saw her. She was sitting right beside him, her transparent hand on his shoulder.

"I haven't had much sleep."

"I know, love, but this is not the place to try and catch up on any."

He smiled at the joke; she always knew how to make him smile. His eyes shut for a few moments, and he shook his head to wake himself.

"You remember the day we first kissed," she said as she cupped his hand in hers. A chill ran up his arm and into his neck and face. It was like the equivalent of splashing himself with cold water, and his eyes widened as he watched the yellow lines disappear in his headlights.

"I remember," he replied. "It was a beautiful summer's day, and I was waiting for you down at the soda shop. I was so nervous.” The smile on his face widened, and Amber reached out and touched the radio. The lights flickered on, and the dial ran back and forth before stopping directly in the middle. From the truck speakers, Madonna's Crazy for You played. He closed his eyes and moved to the beat. “Yes, that was the song on the jukebox when you came waltzing in the door. The sunlight had framed you like an angel, and I was breathless. We shared our favorite, a strawberry ice cream banana split with chocolate syrup and chopped nuts.” He could taste the ice cream as he sat there in the darkness of the truck cab. “The moment our lips had touched was magical, and I never wanted it to end. We had been friends for so long, and I had wanted you for just as long. It was everything I ever wanted coming together in one moment, one special moment that I would never forget." Amber brushed her relaxed lips upon his cheek, then laid her head on his shoulder for the remainder of the ride.

The light was just starting to show through the trees when Sebastian turned off of the main road and bounced along the dirt drive that was full of potholes. Amber had already drifted away. The forest closed in all around as he traveled down the narrow pass swathed through it. Finally, after a few minutes, he turned from the dirt onto a concrete drive, and a sizeable wrought-iron gate rose in front of him.

He reached up and clicked the button on the little black box clipped to his visor. A motor kicked in, and the gate slid apart, presenting him with a way onto the estate. Trees flanked both sides of the drive as he rolled through the gates and sped up as the wall of iron slid closed behind his truck. By now, the sun was glimpsing above the horizon. Its glow showed through the breaks in the trees, causing light lines inside the cab.

Soon the trees opened up to ample rolling hills and manicured lawns. On the left was the lake, Where the fog had rolled up to the main house. A three-story-tall mansion sat atop a plateau dead center of the estate grounds while the gardens and orchards full of apple trees, rows of strawberries, and grapevines draping from long wooden arbors were on the right.

Making his way around the four-tear fountain that sat in the center of the circular drive, Sebastian parked his truck at the base of the stairs. Then, he sat with his head on the steering wheel, waiting to turn the vehicle off; he breathed in deeply as if to prepare for what was to happen next.

"Frank is always waiting on me when I visit. I don't know what hurts the worst about losing someone you love so much you want nothing more than to join them or share that loss with another. Someone you would never wish that kind of pain on for anything."

A loud wrap on the passenger window brought him back to reality in an instant, and he jumped in his seat. His eyes flashed wide and bright and were blistered red and circled in heavy rings of shadow. His hand fumbled for the window controls, and he watched the piece of glass slide down into the door.

On the other side was a man in his late fifties with dark brown hair, and a full beard, neatly trimmed and manicured, leaving him with a very sophisticated look. "How's it going, Doc?" asked Sebastian.

"It’s going, one day at a time, son, one day at a time.”

“I hear ya.”

“You gonna get out or just sit there all day?”

“I’m getting out,” he replied as he rolled the window back up, grabbed his duffle off of the seat, and exited the vehicle. Then, walking around the tailgate, he approached his father-in-law and gave him a huge hug.

“How was the drive?”

“Long and tiring.”

The older man just wrapped an arm around his shoulders as they walked down the little dirt path that led from the house to the lake. Nestled at the heart of the fog were a small boathouse and a pier stretching out over the murky water. The planks squeaked as their feet thudded off them, and they were so quiet, probably both afraid to talk, not knowing what may trigger the other’s emotions.

A small pirogue resting alongside the pier is where Sebastian heaved his bag down into the base as they approached. “You ready for this,” asked Frank once they had stopped.

“As ready as I can be, I guess,” replied Sebastian as his hands twitched and he fidgeted with the buttons on his jacket.

“Wait here, I got something for ya,” said Frank as he disappeared into the fog.

“The sun's nearly up; I need to get on the water.”

Amber slowly walked out of the fog, her feet gently touching the top of the water, making ripples with every toe that touched the surface. “You remember what my father did for you? For us?”

“Of course I do; he accepted me when my own family didn’t even understand me,” replied Sebastian as she stepped up in front of him—taking his hands in hers. The usual chill bathed his fingers; it seemed as if every time she touched him, that feeling lessened. They stood before each other, looking into one another’s eyes when he said, “The sun was bright through the dangling vines of the willow tree as I stood there nervous as all hell. Frank was on the other side of the altar, lighting candles when the cellos and violins began to play.” Again, Sebastian smiled with the remembrance of a particular moment in time. “I watched as the hooded figures made their way down the aisle in a single-file line. Then you were there, flaming red hair spilling out of that dark green hood with gold accented designs along the edge. You followed behind the crowd as they turned off into the chairs on both sides of the room.”

“Yes,” she said. “I could see you standing up there by my father wearing the same green and gold robe, nervousness in your eyes. You fumbled with taking my hand when I stepped up before you.”

“Could you blame me? I was lost in your eyes and forgot what I was even there for, to be honest.”

She chuckled and said, “You were not alone in that one.”

“Frank blessed the colorful wrap and ropes before using them to bind our hands and arms together. After which, we shared a sacramental drink from the chalice and exchanged the tungsten rings with Celtic designs laser etched into them. Finishing off the ceremony with a kiss, we prepared to spend the rest of our lives together.”

They leaned in close, and his lips touched those bluish see-through lips belonging to his wife. They held there for a moment, and she faded away before finishing. Frank came around the corner of the boathouse carrying a cooler in his hand and said, “You over here talking to yourself.”

“No, guess I was just thinking out loud.”

“Should I be worried, son? You seem a bit anxious.”

“No, No, don’t do that. I am fine. A little tired but fine.”

“Well, I packed you some food and drink,” he said, handing Sebastian the chilled chest. “There’s some ham and turkey sandwiches and bottled water in there. I know how you forget to bring sustenance when you go visit. It would be best if you stay hydrated out there. Take it from me. I am a doctor.”

He placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder and smiled. Sebastian only gave him a half-grin, lifted his hand, put it over Frank’s, and closed his eyes. “Should we expect you for dinner, son?” asked Frank.

“We’ll see. I am not sure what today may hold.”

“I can’t tell him what I am planning. He would never let me go. So I should let him think that everything is as normal as can be.”

“We’ll set an extra place anyway,” said Frank as his father-in-law removed his hand and awkwardly turned, heading back toward the house. Boarding the pirogue, Sebastian got settled and grabbed the paddle. Dipping the thick end into the dark, murky water, he guided the boat along.

He disappeared into the thick fog that also crept along the surface of the swamp. It was not a long distance from where he started to his destination, and he was soon joined once more by his lovely wife. Her glowing translucent skin lit up in the dark mist that had enveloped the small paddle boat. Her voice was soft as she spoke, “Do you remember the day we found out we were pregnant?”

“I do remember; what a day it was. It was such a shock not only that it had happened but that it had happened to us,” he replied as he dipped the paddle back into the water and pushed forward.

“I believe I was excited; you were shocked.”

“Hey, I was excited too.”

“Yeah, once you got over the shock.”

“I still have that first sonogram,” he said as he continued to paddle. “I keep it tucked in the frame of that first and last picture we ever took as a family.”

She smiled at him and said, “The one taken in this very boat as we floated just off the shore of the island?”

“The same.”

“I remember that day as well,” she said as the sun tore through the tops of the trees and broke through the fog, causing it to roll back off the surface of the water, disappearing with the break of day; Amber dimmed as the light passed through her giving away to the new day, and she was gone.

The sun's rays glistened off of the wall of silvery leaves as Sebastian approached the dangling vines of the old willow tree. Calmly he used one of the paddles to lift the sweeping silver boughs that hung down like a blanket to the water's surface. Sunlight could barely penetrate the darkness beneath the canopy as he used the other paddle to steer his way into the blackness that awaited beyond the veil.

Only a sliver of the sun's rays made a visible trail which he could follow into the bleakness beyond the protective branches that hung from the tops of the massive willow. Crossing beneath them, Sebastian moved the paddle, allowing the boughs to close behind his boat as he drifted more profoundly into the abyss.

The towering marble mausoleum rose high in the air, the trunk of the great willow growing out of the back half of the roof. Sebastian paddled slowly along the island's edge until he pulled up to the shore and jumped out. Then, grabbing the bow, he dragged it ashore and tied off the end of the lead rope to a wooden pole on the ground.

The wind blew, and a chill ran up Sebastian's spine. He clutched the front of his jacket, pulling it tight to block out the cold. Then, he grabbed his bag and the ice chest from the pirogue and climbed the sandy slope.

Sebastian set his luggage down on the beach and opened up the duffle; he pulled out a kerosene lamp and put it on top of the ice chest. Then he drew out the silk-covered package and slid it up under his jacket. He pumped the plunger a few times on the lamp; the wick soaked up the kerosene. Finally, Sebastian struck a match and slid it up under the glass, illuminating the wick. His heart began to race, which seemed to indicate that it was time for him to do what he had come here to do.

The flame flickered, causing lights to dance along with the glass wrapped around it. The light cut through the dark shadows that had settled upon the land beneath the willow’s canopy. It was like stepping through a portal to another realm. The marble tomb rose before him, looming in the distance; his heart thumped heavily against his breast, lungs burning with every breath as he stepped closer and closer to the dark structure.

He carefully stepped onto the top step that led down into the crypt. The rocky stairs were full of cracks, where roots had sprouted up, and moss grew along their edges. Sebastian walked down them to the rusty wrought-iron gate with vines wrapped around the rods. He reached into the neck of his shirt and pulled on the heavy chain attached to a crafted brass skeleton key. The head was of a wolf and led the chain over his head. The heavy bolt lock hung from the gate; its design matched the key.

Sebastian slipped the key into the open slot and turned; it creaked slightly from the weathering of the lock. Finally, the key reached its final destination, and the rusty old lock clicked open; he pulled it out of the slot and hung it on the crossbar of the gate before sliding the bar out of the stone door frame. He pushed the door inward; it groaned until it scrapped against the wall of rock.

Sebastian stepped into the large alcove. High walls and tree branches interweaved around the ceiling above, creating a protective barrier over those trapped within this place. Two stone coffins sat in the middle of this room, one large and one small lined up, side-by-side. Four howling wolves stood guard at the corners of the carved sarcophaguses. Sebastian walked between them, running the tips of his fingers over the dust-covered lids. At the very back of the crypt was the trunk of the great willow tree, the place where he and Amber had planned their future together, beneath the safe branches of this massive piece of mother nature, and now it serves only as a prison for tortured souls.

There was a slight temperature change behind him, and Amber spoke, “I am here with you, my love.” He reached up and interlaced his fingers with hers on top of his shoulders. Closing his eyes, Sebastian sighed. A heavy feeling filled his stomach, and his heart throbbed as if it were going to burst.

Amber released his hands and floated around to see her then, walked over to the tiny coffin, and laid her hand on the lid. “We are always with you, you know,” she said, turning back to him. “No matter if you could see us or not, all you have to do is feel.”

“I know that,” he said as he stepped forward, slipping his hands around her waist.

“Why do you hang on so hard to what you lost?” she asked, looking into his eyes.

“Do you want to know?”

“Yes, yes I do,” she said as she laid her head on his chest. His heart had a rhythm that Amber no longer recognized. It had changed; the beat was no longer even and soft, which always lulled her to sleep; now it was fast and erratic, which scared her deeply.

He wrapped her in his arms and began his story, “The sirens of the ambulance echoed in my ears as I held your hand and watched the paramedics hook you up to tubes and check your vitals. I was terrified as the pain rolled throughout my body. Your screams, oh your screams still haunt my dreams.” He closed his eyes and could see what he was saying as if it were playing live. His body shuddered, and Amber held him tightly. “The doors of the emergency room burst open, and I followed the gurney you were on down the hall and into the operating room. Watching as the attendants rushed all around, hooking you up to all kinds of machines.” Tears rolled down his cheeks and fell right through Amber as she had her head on his chest. The drops hit the dirt floor, causing a slight poof of dust. The door of the OR swung open, and the doctor rushed in; the nurses began spouting out all the patients' information as he pulled on a set of gloves. You screamed, and it rattled me; I could hear myself yelling that they needed to help you and only met the doctor as he roared back for his staff to get me out of the room.” Sebastian’s body tensed as if he were ready to attack someone; he had the face of a man that had met the enemy. Yet, he’s prepared to remove it from his path at all costs.

“Two muscle-bound orderlies grabbed me from behind and drugged me toward the door. I grabbed the frame in an attempt to stay by your side, all while yelling, I would never leave you. Finally, they succeeded in removing me from the room; the next thing I knew, I was fighting them with all I had; I got away temporarily and ran back toward the OR only to get tackled to the ground.” Sebastian’s body struggled and pulled against Amber’s embrace as if he were reliving the nightmare of that day. Ghost tears fell from her eyes and landed on Sebastian’s coat leaving icy streaks down the fabric. “Frank walked in and broke up the fight sending the orderlies away before discussing something with the nurse. Then, after reviewing your chart, he headed into the OR to find out what was happening.” He paused a moment, and she could hear him suck in a large gulp of air and hold it in before finally releasing it. His heart thudded against his breast right below her ear. It was very sporadic, and Amber could no longer recognize that sweet pattern that once lulled her to sleep. “I don’t know how long I waited before your father came out and told me the bad news. I had to choose you or the baby; only one would make it through the surgery. I don’t know if after you died, they told you what my choice was.”

“They didn’t,” she replied as she pushed off him to look into his eyes. “But I would love to hear it now.”

With a sad look on his face, not knowing how she would react to his choice, he said, “You, I chose you.” Waiting for a beat, he looked for any reaction. Finally, a tear rolled down her cheek and fell to the dusty floor. “Your father told me that the baby wouldn’t live more than a few days; her organs were not quite strong enough. I even told him about the reasons behind my answer. I told him that we could always have another child, but without you, that could never happen.”

“I am proud of your choice; you did not make it lightly,” she said as she reached up and touched his face. He leaned into her caress, closing his eyes. “It was not your fault, you know; what happened to me came from the goddess.”

He looked at her and continued his story, “I was unsure how long we sat there before the older man in green scrubs came out from the OR. I could immediately see the look of failure on his face, and my heart shattered. As the doctor talked to your father, I jumped to my feet to join them, but I already knew what he was telling him. Deep down, the knot in my stomach tightened around my organs. I had only taken a few steps when Frank grabbed me before falling to the floor. He held me so tight I could not move as he whispered that they had lost you during the surgery in my ear; it was a massive brain aneurysm that could not be seen or stopped. I shoved him back and dropped to my knees, screaming and holding my head.”

Sebastian pulled away from his wife, turning his back to her and hanging his head. She stepped up and placed a hand on his hunched back, but he jerked away and said, “That is why I cannot just let the two of you go. I made a choice and lost both of you; it makes a living without you unbearable. Again, she tried to put her arm around him and pull him back to her, but again he shrugged her off.

He had slipped his hand up under his jacket and pulled the dagger from its silken wrap. Keeping the blade hidden under his coat, he faced the two tombs that held his family. He stared directly at her as he pulled it out and placed it to the center of his chest, just above his heart.

Breathlessly Amber said, “Is that the anniversary gift I gave you?”

“Isn’t it quite fitting as the weapon to end my life?” said Sebastian as he dropped to his knees.

“Don’t do this, please don’t,” she begged as she took two steps forward.

“Stop right there; I have made up my mind,” he said as he stared her down. “It’s time for my suffering to stop.”

“There are other ways to make the pain go away, but this is not the way,” she said as her foot slid slowly through the dirt on top of the stones as she inched her way toward him.

“It’s too late; this is the only way,” he yelled as he looked up toward the sky; a single tear rolled down his cheek. “It’s time; I can’t be alone here without you any longer.” Then, he lifted his arms above his head.

A look of peace and tranquility passed over his face right before he drove the sharp blade downward toward his own heart. “No!” came the shrill voice of Amber as she moved forward.

“Daddy, don’t,” came a feminine child’s voice as the translucent little body swung beneath the blade, wrapping her arms around his neck. Sebastian’s hands stopped their downward motion just as the tip of the dagger was about to pierce her back. He dropped the ceremonial knife from his grasp, and it clanged against the stone below before.

“Va, VA, VA,” stuttered Sebastian as the girl hung about his neck. He pushed her off of him. She was just as he had imagined her to be at that age. “Vera, my baby, is it you?”

Vera was no more than eight and had his eyes and her mother's curls; the pretty dress she wore would have been the same one he would have chosen for her. “Yes, daddy, it’s me.”

Tears gushed from his eyes, falling down his cheeks like waterfalls. Amber knelt beside them as Sebastian grabbed his daughter and pulled her in tight. “Oh, baby girl, I thought I would never get to see you.” His hand slid up through the curls of his daughter's head, and he reached out and pulled Amber to them. Then, kissing Vera’s little head, he cried.

Sebastian had dreamt of this very moment for the last eight years and never thought he would ever get the chance to hold his family in his arms. He could stay right here in this moment for the rest of his life.

“My girls,” he said as he leaned over and kissed his wife. “My beautiful girls. I never thought this could be possible.”

“Just because you don’t see us does not mean we are not there,” said Amber as they all stood huddled together, holding one another tightly. I hate to say this, but it is time for us to go.”

“Why, mommy,” said Vera with a frown. “I just got here.”

“I know, sweetheart, but we are out of time,” she answered. “We can do this again.”

“We can?” said Sebastian as his body began to shake and his heart pumped hard with excitement.

“Yes, there are specific times that we are allowed to visit in this way,” she said with a smile as she took Vera into her arms.

“I love you, daddy!”

“I Love you too, my sweet monkey,” said Sebastian as he touched his finger to the tip of her nose. She smiled and giggled.” Then, leaning to the side, he pulled Amber close and kissed her before whispering in her ear. “I love you too, more than you could ever know.”

“I know,” she said. “I love you; bye for now.” They walked away from him as Amber and little Vera disappeared, leaving Sebastian alone. He walked over to the tree, rubbed his hand over the carving, then turned and left. For the first time since their untimely death, he did not hate himself for living; relocking the gate, Sebastian disappeared into the darkness of the veil.

---THE END---