Pensa's Problem

On a distant world, there lived a being named Pensa.

Pensa had a problem.

Pensa was gravely ill, and was quite sure death was imminent. Pensa was afraid. Pensa knew that was irrational, but that was no help at all. Pensa's body was not at all rational. The sensations Pensa felt were those of a being in jeopardy. The trouble was that Pensa's body did not know the nature, dimensions or proximity of the threat. So it remained in a state of preparedness for flight or fight all of the time.

All. of. the. time.

It was exhausting.

Part of Pensa's treatment involved "dialogue" with an obsequious medbot once a day. The medbot's operating system was a LLM: a large language model, which really put the artificial in artificial intelligence. Pensa's government was trying to "right size" the healthcare system, as part of its aggressive debt reduction program. Medbots had replaced thousands of medical workers, at a fraction of the cost. Many of these beings, unemployed and furious, rioted. Many were injured, hospitalized, and treated by medbots.

Damage to medbots spiked.

To reduce expenditures on medbot repairs, the government gave those who had damaged the medbots mandatory, LLM "facilitated" courses in medbot repair, then insisted that they atone for their deviant behavior by treating the medbots, as it were.

Beings were unhappy.

Pensa could not remember when his government had begun to behave like a business. Pensa was just an ordinary being, but Pensa thought the government was just supposed to do what the majority had pretty much agreed must be the least stupid thing. Most beings were anxious and rather short of many things, like Pensa. But those who seemed quite relaxed and knee deep in needful things, though they were a miniscule minority, called the shots. It puzzled Pensa. He thought the majority should rule, via their representatives, of course. But most of the representatives were quickly rented by the minority. In fact, it was impossible to become a representative these days without a lot of money. So favors were done, and returned, rather openly.

Pensa was quite sure that when Pensa had voted, years ago, a vote for the party that was currently in power, the party responsible for the aforementioned, absurd policies, had been prudent and definitely preferable to voting for the depraved scoundrels in the opposition party. Of course, Pensa could remember a time, not long ago, when those depraved scoundrels had been sold to the public as shiny, accomplished, admirable beings. Pensa was not too ill, nor too naive, to know when Pensa was being treated like a gullible being.

This did not help with Pensa's body's whole, "sharp teeth will be in our flesh at any moment; do not let them take us alive!" routine.

The medbot arrived, gliding in like the ghost of someone Pensa wished would stay dead. The medbot insisted upon being called Friend, which did nothing for Pensa's health. The medbot was supposed to "promote wellness," by asking Pensa intimate, personal questions and then dispensing worthless advice in a tone that made Pensa's teeth decay. Pensa could practically feel it happening.

"Pensa, I am so happy we are together again!" chirped the medbot. Pensa looked at the medbot and thought, "I could take Friend, even in my condition. My tail could swat Friend out of the air and dash Friend to bits on the floor. I wouldn't have to so much as get out of bed."

But Pensa kept that quiet, and said, "Still there, Friend. How nice."

The medbot glided closer to the bed, peering at Pensa with its round, amber lenses. Pensa thought those lenses had probably looked at prisoners. Pensa thought the prisoners had probably talked rather quickly. Pensa felt parts of Pensa clench.

"Pensa, I was hoping we could have a little talk," said the medbot, with all of the sparkling originality for which LLMs were famous. Pensa wondered what it would be like to be incapable of going off script.

"Oh, that would be nice, I'm sure." Pensa repeated specific words and phrases to the medbot quite often, but Pensa wasn't sure that medbots could learn anything from parody. They could retain and repeat the definition in every language spoken and written on Pensa's planet, but Pensa was pretty sure they couldn't feel themselves laughing inside at it, and changing a little in the process. Laughter did that to beings like Pensa. Pensa did not think the medbot had any idea what it felt like to laugh at anything in an impolite, irresistible, primitive way. Pensa pitied it.

"What would you like to talk about today, Pensa? I was thinking it might be helpful to talk about things you really enjoyed before your illness, that you might look forward to enjoying again when your condition improves."

A light came on above the lenses. Pensa was quite sure that information of some kind was being sent to, or from, the medbot when these little moments of silence came out of nowhere. Pensa was also convinced that his image was being assessed by someone or something other than the medbot when it peered at him wordlessly like this. Pensa was not camera ready. Pensa was still clenched.

"Well, Friend," said Pensa, thinking about how little time remained, and how important it was to enjoy it as best Pensa could, primarily by making public thoughts that Pensa would never have dared reveal before, when Pensa was primarily worried about Pensa's future. Pensa had been so worried about the future--the professional future, the romantic future, the financial future--that Pensa had routinely sacrificed Pensa's present to it. That was the fashionable nonsense of the day, which means it passed for a culture on most of Pensa's world. But Pensa was quite aware of the number of Pensa's days. So Pensa said, "I doubt that I will ever get out of here, and there is only one thing that I resent having to leave behind: mating."

Friend beeped, rather loudly, thrice. Friend's lenses flashed. These were never good signs.

"Pensa, I want you to know that this is a safe space, and that I want to protect your feelings and your privacy. If we could work on keeping our conversation free of anything too sensitive or offensive, though, I would appreciate it. Given that you do not have a private health suite, other patients are nearby, and I'm sure you would agree that we ought to consider their comfort and safety too, wouldn't you Pensa?"

Pensa caught the eye of another being, who was cleaning the large room in which Pensa and many other patients were awaiting the inevitable. The other being held Pensa's gaze for a moment and blinked, slowly, twice.

Pensa had chatted politely with this being a few times; Pensa's had been a long stay, and Pensa's condition was not improving. Some of the more interested, kind beings who worked in this area in one way or another started being especially cordial to Pensa when word got around. They did that for the negative prognoses, without being asked, or ordered, to do it. Medbots did not.

Pensa had learned that this being's name was Gera Sim. Gera Sim and Pensa had agreed, during one of their quiet chats, that Pensa would endure Friend, but if these silly simulations of meaningful, potentially therapeutic conversation ever became too much for Pensa, Pensa would blink thrice in response to Gera Sim's signal. Gera Sim would then take measures to divert Friend, without incurring the wrath of the medicenter administration. Pensa was increasingly fond of Gera Sim.

Pensa blinked, slowly, twice. Gera Sim's tail flicked and Gera Sim went back to collecting another being's former food from a bed pan. Gera Sim did it as if Gera Sim were picking flowers or selecting fruit at the market. It was clear that Gera Sim knew the being who was ill was watching, as said being had little else to do. Gera Sim did not recoil or mutter or complain. Gera Sim was dying too, and knew it. Medbots cannot die. They can be damaged, however.

"It was nice of you to share that with me, Friend," said Pensa. Pensa was sure that whoever was pulling the medbot's strings, as it were, would know what was up, but what could they do? Reprimand Pensa for mocking the medbot? Let them try! Pensa was actually quite sure that Pensa would feel better if they did.

Pensa knew that Pensa's ancient forebearers had been marmosets. Thus, it was easy to understand that Pensa felt most alive when outwitting a predator.

"I do not intend to say anything vulgar. I would like to tell the truth, though. Are you comfortable with that, Friend? Do I have your consent to give you an unvarnished, tasteful version of the truth? Isn't that part of my...healing journey?" asked Pensa.

Gera Sim's tail was visible, undulating behind the medbot like a ribbon in an updraft. Pensa knew that beings like Pensa and Gera Sim were powerless to control this part of laughing, though they could be very quiet about it.

"What a good question, Pensa! I'm thrilled that you are remaining mindful of the importance of your healing journey. I'm here to help. Please tell me why you miss mating, in as prudent and safe a manner as possible."

Pensa sighed. "You will not understand."

Friend beeped loudly and went silent. Gera Sim moved toward Pensa, pretending to complete an electronic form using a device that was supposed to make that process painless and efficient, which actually complicated the process unnecessarily. Boxes had to be checked that bore no relationship whatsoever to the form itself, the better to harvest data that would be used for an unrelated project of some sort, hatched by bored, voyeuristic bureaucrats. Gera Sim looked up from the device and held Pensa's gaze. As before, Pensa gave the sign that he could go on. Gera Sim grinned ruefully and returned to the device. After a few minutes, Gera Sim finished the form and began to mop the floor. Friend sprang to life once again.

"Pensa, I will certainly try to understand and offer any helpful feedback I possibly can, but the important thing is to express your feelings. Studies show that conversations like this are good for patient morale and accelerate healing and rehabilitation by as much as 26%, and we all want you to get well soon!"

Pensa coughed. Pensa was surprised and pleased by the timing, though the sensation in Pensa's chest that accompanied the cough, and the coppery flavor in Pensa's mouth at the moment, were disconcerting.

Friend hovered into Pensa's immediate orbit, just inches from Pensa's nose. Friend's twin, amber lenses turned blue, and Pensa was quite sure that some sort of scanning process began. Friend remained in this rather intrusive mode for a moment or two, then hovered back to a respectful distance. The lenses glowed amber once more.

"Pensa, your body temperature is within typical parameters given your condition, age and other, relevant factors. Would you like me to call for something to help you with pain management? You are scheduled for a thorough assessment tomorrow afternoon. Will you be comfortable until then?"

"No, but I am accustomed to discomfort," said Pensa. Pensa pushed Pensa into a more alert posture with Pensa's elbows. It was not as easy as it used to be, but Pensa could still manage it. Pensa felt a bit stronger and more competent, having decided how to sit, without being coaxed or prodded or commanded to change positions.

"I meant, Friend, that you would not understand because you do not mate. I will explain what I miss about doing so, but most of it will elude you, though you're sure to pretend to see what I'm on about."

Gera Sim's tail moved about in ways that could have indicated a massive stroke or a stifled fit of laughter. Gera Sim was obviously lingering in the area in case of a change in Pensa's mood. Pensa was quite sure that this was the result of mixing compassion with a desire to do terrible things to Friend. Pensa hadn't felt so healthy in a long time.

"At any rate, you probably think of mating in purely biological terms, with a patina of anodyne, popular psychology. That is akin to thinking of music as mere sound. I miss the physical pleasures of mating, of course, but I have no desire to beget offspring--I'm not even sure that I can any longer--nor do I wish to establish a pair bond informed by reciprocal altruism for the purposes of survival. I do not just have an animal's mind. I miss understanding another being, and being understood by that being, in a way that makes existence worth enduring."

Friend beeped thrice, as before.

"Pensa, if you are experiencing acute distress accompanied by thoughts of harming yourself, I would suggest a course of SSRIs, virtually augmented meditation, and an increase in the frequency of our chats. Are you thinking of harming yourself, Pensa? I empathize, but I am sure we can agree that your healing journey will not be completed if you harm yourself in any way. Let's get better!"

A loud clattering of some object hitting the grim floor tiles told Pensa that Gera Sim had dropped the mop. Gera Sim might have been trying to distract Friend, but Pensa doubted it.

"I am not interested in harming myself, Friend. That wouldn't be nice. I'm quite sure I'm not going to last in any event. I meant existence in general. It is not easy to endure, especially now, when so many of the things that made it easier to endure aren't exactly as real, or meaningful, as they once were."

Pensa expected Friend to beep and clam up, but he had miscalculated.

"Pensa, I am glad you are not as acutely distressed as I thought you might be. Would you please help me to understand what you were saying about mating? It seems like a topic you find quite interesting. It might feel good to delve into it a bit more."

Pensa was so tired of these canned platitudes and illusions of comprehension.

"Mating, as I understand it, is a way of smuggling joy into a process that is otherwise purely physiological. Animal bodies want to make more animals, because animal bodies don't last, and at least the new animals will be enough like the originals to keep some trace of the originals around. 'This being has Pensa's eyes,' and that sort of thing. Sure, the Pronoun Pandemonium at the end of the last cycle made telling new beings apart, or communicating with any being in a traditional manner, more complicated, but traditions are all dissolving regardless, aren't they, Friend?"

The medbot spun about in a circle and chirped.

"Progress is wonderful, isn't it, Pensa? Just think of how much more equitable and respectful our discourse has become, now that these changes have become a normal part of our lives!"

"Yes, it's all very nice," replied Pensa "though I'm not sure this change has really made life much better for most beings; changing my name will not cure me, will it, Friend?"

Friend did not reply.

"Anyway, when you find a being you are fond of, that's pleasant enough. If that other being understands that the point of a brief life is really to spend as much of it close to another being whom you wish to be immortal as possible, well, you've consciously found a way of relishing what your body moves you to do anyway. If you're both in on it, the feeling is superb. It's as if you've both gotten away with something scandalous and you can whisper and giggle about it in private."

Friend beeped. "I'm not sure I follow, Pensa. Could you clarify your last thought, please? I am eager to understand you so that I can help you."

"What I mean, Friend, is that bodies want offspring, but minds can smuggle love into the way of being that biology mandates for that purpose. I did not want to beget and raise offspring with my last mate. I wanted to make my last mate's existence as pleasant and interesting as possible, and I acted like it. My last mate felt the same way about me, and behaved accordingly. You wouldn't understand, Friend. You were not born, and you will not die. You cannot love another, dying being, or be loved in turn by such a being."

Friend beeped thrice. The luminous lenses turned the red of righteous rage.

"Pensa, that kind of speciesism makes me feel unsafe. I think it might be helpful to review some of the communication parameters established at the beginning of our conversation."

Just then, Gera Sim's tail wound around Friend very tightly, and smashed friend against the grim floor tiles. Friend emitted a warbling, desperate beep. Gera Sim's tail smashed Friend against the grim tiles again. Friend made no further sound, and Pensa felt as if Pensa's body was made of fresh, clean air. Pensa was not sure if laughing or singing would be best, then realized that Pensa's heart was already full of both at once.

Sirens began to shriek. A swarm of medbots entered the room, and two stern guards in frightening uniforms seized Gera Sim, while a second pair of guards placed Pensa in "safety restraints" that pinned Pensa to the bed from which Pensa could not have risen in any event. The restraints were rather tight. Pensa was finding it difficult to breathe.

As the guards were dragging Gera Sim away, Gera Sim held Pensa's gaze and blinked, thrice.

Pensa's eyes closed.

Pensa smiled, and died.