Party Animal

Hudson was outside, staring at the vultures.

Look, I don’t really care for dogs. But now that we’ve got a proper collar on it, and the proper spells, it can’t harm us. We hope. Hudson can come and go as it pleases, but the Magi-Flee barrier on all the doors prevent its carrying any creepy crawlies into the house. And considering how insistent Hudson has been, going in and out, the place smells like lavender all the time.

My familiar, Lilah, joined me at the window. We both stared at Hudson, staring at the vultures. “It really is a simple creature, isn’t it?” Lilah murmured. “What is it doing this time? I can’t figure it out.”

“That.” A strong wind gust rattled the shutters, popping a few out of their frames. I put them back in with a wrist twist and snap. While I did so, the vultures got caught in the gust, and were swirling around out of control. Their usual stately Vees were becoming the caret symbol, W’s, and one dangerous-looking M.

It got worse when a migrating flock of bluebirds involuntarily joined the chaos, little blue and gray fluffballs spinning wildly around.

Throughout it all, Hudson, sat there, staring at the chaos.

“Is it studying them, trying to learn to fly?”

“I’m… I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ve noticed how obsessed that dog is with travel. Car, train, plane, wing, doesn’t care, just so it’s swift and secure.”

“Noticed how it doesn’t like boats?”

“Yeah, well, would you? With that name? I’m not saying that Hudson is named after the intrepid explorer, and I certainly wouldn’t say anything like that where I could be overheard by forces inimical. But I am saying that Henry’s kid chose to get on the boat with him, though the mutineers gave him a choice to stay. They arrived back home to be arrested. The Hudsons… vanished.”

“You don’t think a kind native tribe took them in.”

“Hudson Senior was an ass, in love with his own ego. As near as I can tell from what little history trace the son left, he chose to go with daddy out of misplaced loyalty.” Lilah pointed with her boopable nose to the yard, and a dog with all paws on the ground, staring intently at birds looking like they were riding an invisible roller coaster, loop-de-loops and all. “Freaks out at the sight of boats, claims that name. Clear case of reincarnation, I think. Either that, or a victim of the Titanic, or Lusitania, with that level of multi-life trauma.”

“Hmm.” I turned from the window, and Lilah had transported herself again – right on top of the dress I was making. That I had set down to come to the window, at Lilah’s call. Who had just been aside of me, at said window. “Girl, get off! I need to finish that dress for Samhain!”

Too late. Lilah’s claws were sunk deep into the fabric, making biscuits, and inevitably pinking the fabric. “But I have to! It feels so good!” she said pleadingly.

“Off, cat, now! Le scat!” Lilah hissed, but finally slunk away when I threatened to dip her in a rather potent new scent of Magi-Flee ™, the Dis-Peptic Skunk Scent, Guaranteed to Make Everyone and Everything Flee. For such a niche product, it’s amazing how much we sell, and how much ends up on annoying neighbor’s dogs. Or chickens. Or random nosey bears. Or drunken frat boys, who happened to wander away from the party and try to break and enter down the street for more booze money.

All I wanted to do was finish my dress so I could properly go to the ball! Like a Gothic Cinderella, perhaps. Yes, I’m queer, but sometimes I just wanna dress up, you know? I still wanted to add some dragon scales to the hem, in overlapping patterns, in different colors. So those colors happen to be the colors of the queer flag, will anyone notice?

I no sooner set it down to choose where to place the second scale, then Lilah was back, rubbing away.

“Lilah, seriously, knock it off!”

“But, but…”

“Enough. I have to attach the next scale.”

“I’m. Not. Done.”

I tried to pick her up, but almost got swatted for my efforts. I snarled, she snarled, and I went for the spritz bottle. She was gone by the time I returned, but I could feel her lurking.

This… isn’t normal. Sure, it’s full moon, but this was extreme, especially for Lilah.

I took advantage of the sudden absence of felinity, and crocheted fast. I’d likely take it out later to set it right, but it would do. I didn’t have much time before I had to get ready.

Now, I’m normally not the stupid type, so I didn’t rush. I used a few products our line normally carries, Luna-Lure Body Wash ™, Silky Siren Shampoo ™, and Spella-Shield Laundry Soap ™. The scents are designed to combine naturally, give you a pleasant to erotically almost-irresistible air of mystery. There’s got to be room for others to say “no,” after all.

But I added a perfume I made for myself, with bergamot and bitter orange notes. For me. For a person who didn’t usually swing one gender or another, who wanted to feel more like a person than the powerful head of a massive company, who could wield a spell or two in the magic rings I slipped on. Because I’m not foolish enough to go out without some magical backup. Because I’ve made enemies who don’t give two twitches of a demon’s tail for my wanting to feel pretty for one night.

Now, I know I put the dress on my bed. And locked the door.

It was missing when I stepped out of the bathroom. And telltale growls were coming from the living room.

Sure enough, there was my dress, and there was a suspicious lump wriggling in the middle of the fabric.

While she was distracted, I made a few mystical passes, and clapped my hands in fiat. The dress vanished from the couch, leaving a very surprised cat rolling around in determined frenzy on the slipcover. The dress appeared around me, wrapping snugly in crocheted folds. A decadent blend of shimmery, gray-black, alpaca-merino-cashmere, that cost me some serious cash, but was oh so worth it.

Lilah howled in discordant complaint, but I noticed the blend had taken on a fourth fiber – domestic cat, Felis catus. Delightful.

“You’re lucky your tortie fur shimmers as well, or I’d have to do something drastic to you.”

“I still wasn’t finished!”

“I’m off, my dear, and when I return, we’ll discuss the I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Churu allocation in this house. And perhaps catnip as well, if this continues.”

I sashayed out the door, and I’m pretty sure I heard a thump inside as she bounced off the wall.

Weird. Well, I’m warned. It'll be a weird night.

I let Hudson to its contemplation, waving as I passed by to the flying carpet. I got a tail twitch in return.

Yes, carpet. I watch my carbon footprint, and cars leaking dead refined dinosaur is incredibly bad juju that will come back to bite us. Literally.

The soirée was quite swar-ful, if you know what I mean. Many were dressed in costumes, some went for the high fashion look, some – like me – went for the domestic witch-goddess look.

I smelt it before I was dealt it, so I ducked when my thumb ring gave me a good nasty prick.

A spell sizzled through the air when I had been standing, and almost fused my poor lawyer with his shark costume.

I spun when I ducked, to face whatever was coming.

Why is it always demons?

Well, I had been locking horns with a lot of them recently. Mine are metaphorical.

This… was a big boy, for a demon.

In their plane of existence, size is everything. And he was stacked. And didn’t care much for clothing, or modesty. Size queen, in every definition of the word.

Uh oh.

Demon-sized nostrils snorted, and demon eyes fixed me with a baleful glare. “You. Puny human. You have cost me dearly. You need to die.”

“So drastic.” My diamond ring was pulsing, so I was ready with a blast of my own.

“You die now.” A demon of few words, I see.

If it weren’t for the copyright infringement, I would say I have never seen a “Hulk Smash!” attitude so strong before, in any creature, from any plane. He even had green fur, though it was scaly and patchy. And the color of green was nauseating, not a pretty snake-venom shade. And it looked like he had the demon equivalent of mange.

Also, a pre-reboot Hulk, one who moved slowly, but with great power. The type that, if you’re a brick with brains, you can duck out of the way and let the thief pick his pockets. Not the other kind of brick, honey, that’s just rude. Anyways, my line of makeup products makes everyone look good.

I caught myself mid-yawn as I was counter-spelling his second attack – and the third took me in the chest with whip-crack speed.

Damn, I fell for the old-and-slow, easy-target routine.

I was falling, and I didn’t know if I was dead or not.

Time stopped.

Well, okay, it didn’t. But it slowed down.

I saw the others at the party, friends, allies, enemies, associates. If one of them summoned a demon to take me out at the party, and it was likely, they had an even bigger problem now. With me dispatched, it was free to wreak havoc on anyone nearby – which was anyone within the room.

Spells started cracking like fireworks above me.

The demon roared, and fought everyone at once. I was forgotten.

I wasn’t dead, but I was in a vulnerable position, lying on the floor like that.

I could tap a ruby ring, and I was magically scooted to a corner for safety. The ruby went dark, the spell used up, hopefully to be recharged later. If I had a later.

As the battle raged in front of me, I assessed the damage. I could see, it was a matter of getting limbs to work properly. They didn’t want to move much, and I felt like I’d been kicked by a demon-sized mule.

My dress wasn’t even scorched.

That… shouldn’t be possible.

When I got my arm to flop a hand onto my chest, I could feel a residual heat, quickly dissipating. I was just spell-stunned.

Wha? How?? I should be quite deceased. I should not be feeling quite tingly all over as health returned. I could tap my amethyst and peridot rings, and healing energy poured into me. That shot had ripped right through my shielding lava necklace… oh. Lava. Against a demon. Sigh. That was dumb.

Still didn’t explain why I’m still kicking. Spella-Shield ™ can only do so much.

Above the shouted spells and cantrips popping everywhere, I heard a discordant yowling I knew very well: “Take that! And that! You useless soft can openers, you complete waste of thumbs!”

And a boat sailed into the room.

It was floating.

Lilah was at the prow.

My brain barely had time to register the what in the three levels of hell? before her bottle-brush tail twitched, and small boxes arced out of the boat. Wherever they landed, they exploded. Most were product samples; I keep quite a collection in a spare room. Extra Strength Spell-Away™ and Super Heavy Duty Demon Binder (Lemon Rose Scent)™ peppered the demon.

He roared, and all hell broke loose.

Lilah was relentless, launching and lobbing for all she was worth. Glowing bats appeared, small demons, to attack the party-goers. Screams, roars, yelled spells, and other cacophony assaulted the ears.

I tried a few spell passes with my fingers. In another room, well locked, were the industrial-strength spells I kept on hand. In my home, but I knew a portal spell. Things I make for just such a purpose – or for the military, when they occasionally came to call. I was going for Demon Done™, a rather potent dismissal that would put this bad boy back on some abyssal plane…

And got the Magi-Flee, Dys-Peptic Skunk Bomb.

Well, I wasn’t enjoying this party anyways…

I lobbed, and threw a protective canopy over Lilah and her boat. Luckily my lawyer was nearby enough to be covered as well.

There was a nostril-clogging FWOOMP.

Though diminished, the demon was far from being vanquished. As others choked and gagged, he stretched out, and – laughed!

He looked at the large oily stain on his chest, sniffed at it a few times, then started rubbing it into his chest. And arms, then legs, and – erm, other parts. Even hooves and horns, eventually.

And the mange-like patches went away, his color turned into something resembling poison green, and he breathed deeply, reveling in the scent. “Aaaaah, that’s more like it! That’s good stuff! Like tonic and lotion and conditioner all in one.. Human! You! You made this amazing concoction?”

Someone helped me to my feet. I waved weakly.

“This is the stuff! It feels good! Right. My lawyer will see your lawyer on Moonsday – I want a forever supply! I want shares in its stock! I want exclusive rights when patent expires! I want all of it! I need a pool full of it! I must go and seduce all the lady demons now!” He vanished in a puff of greasy oily smoke. The few demon bats left went with him.

My lawyer was faster than me. He tossed a handful of powder into the void created by the demon’s vanishment, a glittery vortex that swirled, shimmered, and drifted towards our guest’s stairs.

I heard giggling, and saw three pairs of eyes at the top of the stairs. Watching the chaos.

So did our simpering host. “Oh, you naughty, wicked children! I told you, no summoning without our permission! You broke the rules!”

My lawyer coughed politely. “And you are well known in the community for not punishing your entitled triplets for their ‘youthful shenanigans,’ as you put it. Well, Mrs. Welltoodoo, you’ve just hosted the upper crust of the entire city. If there are not consequences IMMEDIATELY for approximately two hundred counts of pre-meditated attempted murder, and the subsequent civil cases that I’m sure will spring up like mushrooms after the rain, you are in for a world of pecuniary pain.”

“But… but… they’re just children...”

“Who almost committed mass murder. Quite a nest of psychopaths you’re raising there.”

Both the Chief of Police and the Mayor were in attendance, and they were furious. I know Clancy and Nate very well, and they know some of my more esoteric tricks – military applications, after all. They looked at me. “We have the right to arrest the hoodlums, but I think you have something that will work even better?”

“And since it was my life on the line, I can be judge and jury. So mote it be!” The eyes had vanished from the stairs, but they couldn’t hide from my spells. I shouted some nasty words, amongst which were the keys to some potent pre-set spells. When I clapped my hands, three pairs of silver filigree bracelets appeared in the air hovering. They glittered with strange symbols.

I pointed to the sparkling dust, and the bracelets darted away. A few seconds later, we heard the screams of caught kids. They’d found their quarry.

I dusted my hands. “Problem sorted, madam. Those bracelets are their judgment and punishment. No magic for forty years to life. They can’t be removed or tampered with. We’ll see what happens when they’re up for parole, but I’m betting a wet sausage now that they’re magic-less for life. Your reputation’s ruined, but that solves the criminal case. The civil? You’re on your own, lady, good luck.” I saluted my lawyer, he returned it, and I turned to check on a certain magic boat.

Behind me, the social vampire wailed, and no one stepped in to comfort her. To add to the discomfort, four cats padded down the stairs: a giant pure white Persian, and her three kittens. The mama spat in the matron’s direction before turning her nose in the air and sauntering out the door.

You know it’s serious when your familiar leaves you.

Speaking of…

I checked the boat, lifting the spell – and got a thorough face wash from a particular dog.

I sputtered. “Hudson! What the? Why?”

“I steer boat!” it panted enthusiastically. “I can sail again! I navigate! I watch birds! I figure out air currents! I sail! On air! Not on water. Never on water! I steer boat!” Sure enough, it had leaped at me from the tiller’s position. So excited, it almost reverted to bark-speak, how adorable.

Lilah reigned supreme and supine on her pile of ammunition. “Told you I wasn’t finished,” she purred.

“Your obsession with my dress? What does it have to do with-” I gestured broadly, saving a middle finger for a sobbing matron – “all this?”

She cat-smiled at my chest, but kept her voice low. “Extra protection. The fourth fiber. Familiar magic. Resonance. Protection.”

Ah, I understood. Who knew, cat hair as a massive barrier and shield? Apparently Lilah didn’t want anyone else to know, so we’d discuss this more behind our own safe and protective walls.

I turned to my lawyer. “Want a ride home?”

“Oh, I’ll stay and serve papers. And get a list of witnesses. The case of my career, I can’t wait!” This from the person who took on demons in court.

I hopped in, careful to keep the boat steady. “Take us home, Hudson. We’ve earned us some steak tonight.”

We eased out into the dark-light of early morning. I did feel better, but I would feel lots better when I was on my sofa, sipping wine that was infused with every magical healing agent in my arsenal, which was considerable.

Lilah waited till we were well on our way before getting my attention with a little cough. “There is one, small, drawback…”

I arched an eyebrow. “Which is?”

Lilah pointed with her nose, to the other seat.

Four heads popped up. Persian, white, and purebred. A mom and her three kittens.

Oh, noooo….