Order in the Court

The wire-rimmed glasses, the slight graying of the feathers, his slow but deliberate walk, made it clear this barn owl was a bird of great importance. He took the judge’s chair and gaveled the court into session.

“Order, order, I’ll have order in this court. First case is Micky Eugene Mouse vs. The Barn Owl Community. Is the defendant ready?” the judge asked.

A disheveled barn owl raised from his seat, straightened his jacket, and said, “He is your honor.”

“Micky Mouse is that your real name?” the judge asked.

A small nervous looking rodent stood up. “It is your honor, but I go by Eugene. My parents were big fans of Disney, and well, that’s why they named me Micky.”

“You don’t share their sentiment?”

“No sir. I feel they are engaged in mouse culture appropriation. I’m hoping to change their business practices by using my middle name.”

“Good luck with that.” The judge rolled his eyes, and the owls in the courtroom snickered.

“Before we get started, this mouse seems a little underfed. Get him some mouse chow, fatten him up a little,” the judge said.

A murmur went through the courtroom and comments like “Good Idea”, “Yeah, fatten him up”, “He needs more meat on his bones”, “He would hardly even make a snack,” were heard.

The mouse started darting his head around. He saw all the owls looking at him. He checked the floorboard searching for a mouse hole he could use to escape.

His defense owl reached over with his wing and patted him on the shoulder. He gave him a reassuring look. “Nothing to worry about. I’ll make sure you get a fair trial.”

“Let’s get started. Prosecutor, what is this mouse charged with?” the judge asked.

A young barn owl with his feathers slicked back, stood up, put one wing inside his jacket and walked back and forth in front of the jury. “The Barn Owl Community will prove that Micky Eugene Mouse stole a small block of cheese. That on or around last Tuesday he took a knife and cut the cheese from a larger block.”

Hearing the phrase “Cut the cheese,” the courtroom burst into laughter. A few owls put one wing under the wing pit of the other and started making farting sounds. This only added to the laughter. The prosecutor had a wide smile, enjoying the fact that he had made everyone laugh.

“Order, order! I’ll have no more outbursts. For the rest of the trial, no one is to use the phrase, “Cut the cheese,” the judge said.

Hearing the judge say it made the court once again erupt in laughter.

“Order, defense, you’re up,” the judge said.

“Owls of the jury, my client was gifted this cheese. The owner of the cheese told him to take the knife and cut…I mean, slice off a chunk for himself. There was no crime, just an act of kindness by the owner of a large block of cheese.”

While the defense was speaking, the prosecutor put a whoopie cushion on the defense’s chair. He sat down, and a large farting noise echoed throughout the courtroom. Once again, the owls of the court erupted in laughter.

“Order, I think we have heard enough. The jury will now go deliberate. Everyone, clear the courtroom until the jury returns. Except for you, Eugene, you stay there and eat some more mouse chow.”

The courtroom emptied, leaving poor Eugene alone with a bowl of mouse chow.

** *

After deliberating for less than an hour, the jury sent word, they had reached a verdict. Everyone filed back into the courtroom only to find that Eugene was missing. Only a mouse tail was left on the defense table.

“Your honor, Eugene is missing. I found his tail. I fear the worst,” the defense said.

“He must have escaped. I guess that settles this case,” the judge said.

“But your honor, his tail, it looks like it was bitten off and spit out.”

“Most likely a fashion statement. You know, with your tattoo and body piercing...I guess cutting off body parts is the new trend. I knew a guy once who cut off his whole body, left just a head, turned out to be inconvenient...had to roll everywhere, said it hurt.”

“Your honor, I believe a crime has been committed. One of the owls in this room ate Eugene.”

The owls in the courtroom gasped, but then realized, yeah, more than likely.

“Hold on, counselor, that’s a pretty serious charge. What proof do you have?”

“Well, there is his tail, and drops of mouse blood. Plus, it looks like you have mouse fur in your teeth.”

The judge grabbed a small mirror, saw he had a little fur and removed it.

“Let’s not get bogged down in who may or may not have eaten Eugene, and remember the jury was going to find him guilty, anyway. Whoever ate him did a public service,” the judge said.

The jury foreman stood up and said, “Actually, we found him innocent.”

“Innocent, he is a mouse, you are owls, we never find the mice innocent,” the judge said.

“We feel that has been a terrible miscarriage of justice,” the foreman said.

“Great, I get a liberal jury right before lunch. Too late now. Case dismissed.”

“Your honor, what about Eugene?” the defense asked.

“He was delicious. People, we are owls; we eat mice; that’s what we do.”