Operation Missile-toe

“Johnson, come in. Close the door and have a seat.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”

“I’ll cut to the chase. I’ve got a job for you. We’re going to need your best guys on this, and I know I don’t have to say this, but I’ll need your full discretion. It’s a sensitive operation and I chose you specifically. You’re still single, right? No kids?”

“What’s the job?”

“We’re going to need you to take someone out.”

“Who’s the target?”

“He’s the head of a large non-profit, but his influence is making waves. He’s pissed off some very important people.”

“With all due respect sir, what did he do? Could we bring him up on charges?”

“That’s the thing, his record’s clean. The guy’s a saint. Here, have a look at his file.”

“He’s real?”

“Yep, he’s real, and he’s a real problem for our guys in Washington. This goes all the way to the top!”

“The president?”

“Don’t be naive, son.”

“Who then?”

“Bezos…Musk. We can’t have this fat asshole subsidizing Christmas. He’s bad for the economy, giving away toys for free. He’s taking a bite out of profit margins. It’s socialism!”

“He’s not so bad. I remember when I was a kid he brought me a new bike for Christmas.”

“Yeah, you and every other kid in America. What do you think that did for Schwinn stock?”

“Have we tried diplomacy? Could we get him to move operations elsewhere?”

“He’s global and he’s been doing this for thousands of years. He can’t be bought. We captured one of his famous flying reindeer. Don’t even ask me how- “

“Let me guess, you couldn’t get him to talk.”

“You think this is a joke, Johnson?”

“No, sir.”

“A few years ago, we put a man on the inside. His name was Ferguson. He had training, experience and small stature to blend in. He was, you know, one of them…uh-“

“Little people sir?”

“Yeah. His mission was to infiltrate the North Pole Indigenous the old man’s got working for him and start a revolt.”

“And what happened to Ferguson?”

He was there for only 12 days, and his intel became suspiciously jolly. Then he turned on us. Defected. Went full elf! He’s up there sippin’ nogg and cobblin.’ Says he gets free healthcare, a pension, and six months of paid vacation. Says job satisfaction and quality of life is way better up there than what we can offer him at Langley. Can you believe this guy?”

“What a traitor, sir.”

“Exactly. Now you see our predicament? That’s why I want a clean kill. If you can’t manage that, our drones will blow the whole place to kingdom come.”

“How do you suppose we’ll get away with that, sir?”

“We’ll implicate the Chinese or the Muslims. We’ll figure that out later. We want boots on the ground at zero dark thirty.”

“But, sir, that’s Christmas Eve.”

“You have your orders.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And, Johnson...”

“Yes, sir?”

“Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, sir.”