No Holds Barn

Goin' over the horizon line again with shades of gray, blue, and the faintest yellow peakin' through. The end of spring has a sweet smell to it, and sure as the pigs will set chase, rain is a coming round. I watch the grass wave for a deep breath before calling on Sandy, who's still out runnin' the sheep into a frenzy. Tonight I'm goin' where Mama said not to go. Tonight I might not be comin' back.

Five elections since Ma decided we needed space to clear our heads. "A news cycle will only bring negative energy into the household that's unnecessary for living." She never allows bad vibrations in the home. My brother Jameson, me, n Ma, aloof and out in the open air. That's how it's been long as I can remember.

Daddy was involved in the local politics. Always had a way of gettin' real angry bout social and gender injustices, but'd find his way to a bottle quick as Ma could close a laptop. Those days, Jamesy an I always were outside explorin. We lived near a secluded creek in some woods and spent most of our times there- mos’ly creatin forts an defendin em from each other. I was for certain that I’s safe long as I was with Jamesy.

I'm for certain I ain't miss much.

The general understandin' is you get yourself power from the wind 'n sun, you collect water year round, and you grow your own food and nothin' really comes your way. Ma taught us to reuse everythin and not make extra waste. She always told us, "if you take care of the Earth, she'll take care of you." That's about what we do.

I should be sayin, with this kinda life, no government or information be headed our way, but a whole spiritual universe is constantly vibrating at different frequencies around us.

You burn some sage, you put out the crystal alters. Different geodes 'n plants around the room. You open up the windows. You burn incense. You make sure to keep a close watch on them stars. Whatever ritual you got- whether it’s prayin’ or meditatin’ or breathin’ outside- you hope it keeps the energy positive, you subconsciously hope for calm. However much someone tries to make a place their own- sure as the cat brings that mouse as a trophy- there's always one place that just can't be cleansed.

Somethin' bout that barn never set right with me. Mama got this land cuz her cousins was livin' up here before. At the end of our lot, in a dense thicket, there's a structure been there much longer than mine or Sandy or Jamesy or Ma's lifetime, I'm for certain. But tonight I'm goin' to that barn, and tonight I might not come back.

When I's growin' up, I had lots of bad dreams. I used to wake up, middle of the night, screamin bout some shit I saw on a wall or the ceiling. Jamesy couldn’t a seen what I seen behind ‘em. Daddy always came runnin' in, gun drawn, ready to put someone in their place. I never had somethin to fear with Pa around. Sure as the tea kettle will whistle, he ain't been round for long enough.

This barn at the end of our land, never sees full sunshine. There's always a shade cast over it in full daylight. Approach the buildin' and you'll notice a silence permeating the noise around you. A cold chill on the hottest day. Sandy ain't no fraidy cat- a pure-bread border collie, she's smart and quick on her feet- six years she been living on this same farm outside, and six years she never go anywhere near that barn.

The one person brave enough to go near the barn ‘s Jameson. Gone on ten years now since we thought we’d do some explorin on the property. A warm enough summer day to melt the ice in the lemonade on the counter in minutes. We set out with Tayla, our golden retriever, round early afternoon. Bees were out an about getting pollen from the trees. We carried two-by-fours that Jamesy’d cut into swords on our way to claim a new fort.

The air was thick and moist. My back was covered in sweat. Tayla couldn't slow her panting. On the hunt for shade, we spotted a dense patch of trees a ways off the main road. As we approached, you could hear the bees fade away to silence. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a wooden building with the sun just barely touching the roof at the same moment I caught a glimpse of my breath. Jamesy had stopped just to my right and stared at the same shack. The sweat on my arms turned to goosebumps, and our dog started barking at a barn that appeared to be put together with old fence-boards.

I could swear Jamesy farted something fierce, the smell of rotten eggs sat heavy in the cold air. As I turned my head to make a face at him, he was gone. It was completely silent and I felt my stomach tighten up as I tried to squeeze out a word. Tayla nowhere in sight. My heart pounding as I saw my brother right in front of the building, fixatin on something in the only window.

"You seein that face Billy? It's lookin right at me and it look like Pa."

Have you ever had really sharp chest pain? The kind where you try and stretch it out but that just makes it worse. The kind of pressure like someone is gripping your insides. I still couldn't talk. I couldn't move.

"We better go in an get 'em, don't think Mama be okay with him showin his face round here."

Those were the last words Billy ever said to me. After he went into the barn, he just stopped talking. Like something had that same grip on him but never let go. The nature doctor Ma goes to said Jamesy mighta had a brain legion, or hemorrhage, or coulda been a tumor but they just couldn't be certain without crackin' open his head. He's spose to drink chamomile tea and eat lotsa berries and meditate daily to get back. But lotsa times I seen Jamesy scared half-to-death by a shadow on the wall. Sure as the sun goes down at night, somethin bout that barn changed my brother.

A decade of silence and it's another warm summer. Mama forbid me go near that barn again. Hell, now I remember, she said not to go near it 'fore we even knew where it was. She tried bringin a shaman by to clear the energy near it, but he 'fused to even walk up to it. Said somethin bout a rift left over there.

But tonight I'm gunna go to the barn and tonight I might not be comin' back.

The sun been down 'bout two hours now and the family's asleep. I always felt safe with Daddy by my side, but he been gone long as we been out here. I used to feel safe with Jamesy by my side, but now I'm the protector. I'm gunna find out what got my brother, and I'm gunna get 'em back.

Night time with a flashlight that shakes for power, and this time I'm bringing a real axe with me. I brought Sandy with me on a leash and I'm carrying Mama's quartz and amethyst. As I approach the thicket of trees, I'm singin' out loud so I don't catch the silence. I been near that barn plenty of times now. I been angry at it for half my lifetime. Sure as the cows shit where they stand, I'm goin' in now.

An ice box- something you had before modern refrigeration to keep food from spoiling. The temperature in this room is an ice box. It smells worse than anything I ever smelled, and I've realized I stopped singing. The feeling you get on-stage when the spotlights are on but you can't see the audience- when you know a lot of eyes are on you. I go to pet Sandy but I find I'm only holding a leash and collar. My flashlight starts blinking and I shake it for more battery but it just cuts out. In the darkness I hear whispers. Out of fear I begin swinging my axe. I'm for certain I hit someone. I'm in a panic and I run for the door but I can't see a way out. There's a lil bit of moonlight comin through that window and I think it's my only option but I don't know how to get up that high. I run to that side of the barn and trip over something before I fall asleep.

I don't know for how long I was out, but I seen the sun setting on the top of the barn as I'm wakin' up. Sandy's leash is hangin' from the ceiling and my axe is stuck into the side of a beam. I make my way to a ladder that leads to a loft where the window is.

When I peer outside,

I see Tayla barking

and Jamesy staring right at me

I'm for certain I see myself behind him too.