New Year, No Identity

Frankie slammed the door so hard behind him he almost thought he broke it, but that would have been the least of his troubles for today. Monique turned around on her barstool, slowly to let what Frankie did really sink in. Frankie remained, breathing heavily, fanned out on the door like a wayward movie starlet from the 1930s. Monique would have expected nothing less.

“What is wrong now Frankie?” Monique asked in a calm tone, almost like this tends to happen every other day.

“What isn’t wrong Monique?!” Frankie took his cue to enter the rest of the house, he walked into the kitchen and pulled out a Gatorade from the fridge. “Really no Pepino flavor?” He sighed disgusted and carried his sports drink from the kitchen to Monique's couch. He then draped himself across it like a patient ready for a dose of reality, though he never cared for it.

“I hadn’t gone shopping yet alright.” Monique scoffed as she left the kitchen bartop and joined Frankie in his agony in the living room. “I thought we were meeting for dinner in a couple of hours.”

“I can’t dream of eating at a time like this,” Frankie uncapped his sports drink and took a big sip, then cleared his throat, “I have horrible news, Monique.”

“Did they cancel that Sex and The City spinoff?” Monique asked while getting comfortable in her armchair adjacent to the couch, she knew this could take a while.

“No, but they really should consider it.” Frankie retorted, throwing himself back down on the couch. “My identity has been stolen, Monique. Right out from under me!” Frankie’s voice almost cracked as he recalled the plight of his day. “I haven’t been able to go anywhere in this city without some type of fraud-type calamity popping up.” Monique without skipping a beat chimed back.

“But who would want to be you? No offense but I can’t really see any thrill or benefit from assuming the identity of Franklin Jesus Goldberg, assistant manager of Toledo’s 2nd largest Sephora…”

“3rd actually,” Frankie interjected.

“So sorry,” Monique continued, “assistant manager of Toledo’s 3rd largest Sephora, and not to mention you have quite a bit of debt from that time you tried to get your mobile miniature pony farm off the ground.”

“First of all they are miniature horses, Monique, ponies are completely different and probably would have worked better and it is not my fault the children of Toledo don’t have sophisticated interests and instead rather pee in a portable ball pit.”

“Should have invested in balls then,” Monique inserted a slight eye roll into her shrug.

“That is not the point right now.” The tension heightened as Frankie sat up on the couch, his non-Pepino-flavored Gatorade slowly being suffocated by his hands. Monique recognized her friend was more than just a little upset.

“Tell me what happened today Frankie” She pulled out a bowl of popcorn that was coincidently sitting on the table next to her and began munching.

“It all started this morning…” Frankie began. Today’s events started to take shape with Frankie narrating over a grand yet wistful storybook reenactment. “I was asleep, minding my own business when suddenly I awoke!” Frankie, startled, awoke from his peaceful sleep like a vampire rising from a coffin. His phone on this nightstand was buzzing repeatedly like a bunch of notifications were coming in, not like someone was calling him because who does that so early in the morning at 10 am?

“I read my incoming emails and texts to find that I had been signed up for tuba lessons starting today. That's not too odd since I am a tubethusiest but weird since I made the lesson on the same day I usually reserve for playing pickleball at the club.”

“There is a club to play pickleball?” Monique asked.

“There is a club to do anything Monique, as I was saying, I was confused so I got out of bed and removed my nightcap. That's when I saw my Dolly Parton rip-off desk calendar and it said it was January 1st! I let out a screech, now knowing it was a brand-spankin' new year.”

“A screech huh?” Monique let out a chuckle.

“Would you rather I say a pterodactyl roar? Because that’s what my neighbor Terry thought it was.”

“Frankie what have I said about startling that man, he’s 85 and has a pacemaker.” Monique retorted.

“Oh hush-hush, Terry is fine. He has Blanches and Myrtles coming over all the time to get as he says his ‘casserole recipe’ but I think that’s a euphemism.”

“Terry you dawg.” Monique snickered.

“Anyways where was I, THEN I got a phone call.” Frankie gestured using his hand as a phone. “It was a woman saying that my rideshare was there and that I needed to get downstairs immediately. Now I did not like her tone one bit, big Ares energy but I also knew I did not order such rideshare. And to where may I ask, is this rideshare going? And lord was I surprised by her answer, she said in her angry Ares tone that the ride was going to Build-a-Bear.”

“Nothing good comes from Build-a-Bear Frankie you know that,” Monique said shaking her head.

“I know! But now my curiosity was peaked, did I really order this mysterious lift to a bear stuffing store? The night before I was at my family's New Year's party and had gotten hammered on hot toddies my Aunt Tildy was making so I assumed maybe in the new year I made the resolution to build more friends?”

“I’m skeptical, but continue. Wait, didn’t you say your New Year's resolution was to quit drinking?”

“No no, to quit winking. I’m horrible at it.”

“Fair, you really are.” Monique agreed, putting more popcorn in her mouth. “What happened next?”

“So then, I put on my closest pair of star comfort pants with a matching star T-shirt and ran downstairs to my ride waiting. Monique,” Frankie paused, “it wasn’t a car.”

“Then what was it a horse and carriage?”

“Worse, it was the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.”

“NO.” Monique gasped, popcorn flew from her mouth.

“Yes! And boy was it double-parked no wonder why she was angry. I double-checked the app and sure enough, it showed the ride I had apparently booked for myself as a giant wieny mobile. So there I was riding in a giant Wiener around Toledo going to Build-a-Bear.” Monique laughed at the visual. “To make matters worse I was the only one on it so I sat right next to the driver in the passenger seat. She dragged on about how her son was in jail and how he didn’t do it. By the end of the ride though, I was convinced he had done whatever he was convicted for. So I finally get off the Wienermobile and arrive at the Build-a-Bear and it’s packed with children screaming at their parents, stuffing is flying, tiny shoes being catapulted by rambunctious toddlers, a total mess.”

“Sounds like a typical Friday night at Chilis,” Monique joked.

“I mean if these kids were throwing sizzling fajita plates it would have been DEADLY because they actually had great aim.”

“Unlike your drunk ass.” Monique giggled.

“Hey that was one time and I told the waitress I was really sorry.” Frankie took another big sip from his Gatorade and continued. “That’s when the girl at the front desk recognized my bewilderment and asked ‘are you, Frankie?’ Shocked, I asked her if she recognized me from my foodie Instagram account ToledoMojitos, she said no unfortunately but then elaborated that I had a reservation for that time and the note on the reservation said I would be wearing a matching star sweatsuit. I scoffed because it wasn’t a sweatsuit more of a tracksuit but then she proceeded to take me through the bear-building process. It even said on the reservation that I wanted to make an Axolotl which I had no idea what it was by the way but it turned out cute.” Frankie pulled out the Axolotl from his bag and showed Monique.

“Is it dressed as a sailor?” Monique laughed, holding it in her hands. “Look at its cute little hat.”

“Apparently another note was that it had to be a sea caption, and who knew they had those outfits there? There were also little business suits and a podiatrist's outfit.”

“Who knew.” Monique was now eating popcorn with one hand and holding the Axolotl with the other. “Now where does identity theft come in?”

“Umm, excuse me so far it has been from the rideshare, the Build-a-Bear reservation, and the tuba lesson all of which I had not scheduled myself so I had to have had my identity stolen. After my bear stuffing, I was late for my tuba lesson which I had to attend since I was spending my money on it. The lesson was only a couple blocks away, so I started brisk walking when suddenly I got an email notification that I just donated over 100 dollars to a Charity that trains monkeys as service animals! Monkey See Monkey Help!”

“Oh noooo.” Monique raised her hand to cover her mouth, she couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

“So I kicked my ass into higher gear, skipped my tuba lesson, unfortunately, and hauled it to my nearest bank. When I got there I was so winded I lay in their lobby till medics came to try and coax me up, apparently the bank thought I was a homeless man who was trying to die in the lobby, again. I finally catch my breath and the attention of a clerk and begin telling her about my day of spending that I have no control over. Apparently, the thief had been making purchases on my cards I was not remotely aware of like subscribing me to a sausage of the month club, buying me an economy flight to Orlando, and renting a party entertainer to follow me around.”

“Wow, wait, where is the entertainer now?” Monique asked in disbelief.

“Oh, he’s outside. Hey Amelio!” Frankie called out.

“Hey, Frankie.” A man’s monotone voice came muffled through the door.

“You just left him out there?” Monique shuffled out of her chair and to the front door.

“He said he likes the outdoors.” Frankie sighed as he lay spread out on the couch. Monique came back into the living room followed by Amelio dressed as a giant chicken. He sat down in the chair next to Monique facing Frankie. She handed him the bowl of popcorn and resumed sitting, Axolotl firmly in hand.

“Now that’s better.” Monique glared at Frankie who just shrugged.

“Thanks for the popcorn Monique,” Amelio ate a handful.

“Your Welcome Amelio. Alright, where were you, Frankie?”

“The part where I distraughtly run to your house to tell you about all this! Oh and on my way here I got a Cameo video from John Cena wishing me a speedy recovery on my hemorrhoids?”

“My grandma had those, nothing to be ashamed of.” Amelio chimed in.

“I don’t have hemorrhoids Amelio, but the audacity of the identity thief to pay for actor and wrestler John Cena to record that hemorrhoid-filled video. I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at that charge.”

“Cena is not cheap.” Monique agreed.

“He was in Cockblockers, what a cinematic masterpiece,” Amelio added.

“Yes, yes, I recognize the significance, and that’s when I realized something…” Frankie sat back up and stared into Monique’s eyes hoping she would get the same idea too. Her wheels were turning, and then it came to her.

“Wait a minute, your identity thief is behaving like a Make-a-Wish kid… a kid, a kid, is your identity thief..”

“Terry!” Frankie Blurted out as if he solved the mystery.

“No, you big dummy Terry is too old to even know who Jon Cena is.” Monique scoffed.

“But old enough to have hemorrhoids.” Frankie pointed out.

“Gross. What I was going to say is these transactions remind me of your cousin Spencer.”

“Spencer?! No, he’s like 5 years old.”

“More like 11 but carry on,” Monique added.

“But Spence loves me he would never,” Frankie said trying to reassure himself.

“Hey wait, the person who hired me was named Spencer.” Amelio admitted. The room went silent.

“That little…” Frankie angrily started but was interrupted by a knock at the door. Frankie, Monique, and Amelio dressed as a chicken all got up to see who the visitor could be. They swung the door open to reveal little Spencer looking innocently up at them.

“Your neighbor Terry said you’d be here.” Spencer began.

“Terry that snitch.” Frankie retorted, “Why would you steal my identity Spencer why?! Aren’t I your favorite cousin? I mean we were hanging out all yesterday and…” Frankie paused as though he remembered something important.

“You asked me yesterday to help teach you a lesson because you were upset that you had the same password for everything. You said it was so easy to steal your identity and your New Year's resolution was to be better at cyber security.”

“Oddly specific resolution but okay.” Monique quipped as she stared at Frankie who was still dumbstruck by Spencer’s words. “You really should reset your password.” She added.

“Oh my god, I did say that, didn’t I? I was so drunk last night from Aunt Tildy’s toddies that I completely forgot about the whole plan and now I have to come up with a better password than ILoveSexyPopes123.” Everyone grimaced.

“That shouldn’t be too hard,” Amelio replied.

“Oh and here’s your wallet.” Spencer reached out of his backpack and pulled out Frankie’s wallet and handed it back to him.

“Wow did not know this was gone,” Frankie said stunned. Monique facepalmed.

“How did you know how to do all that today kid?” Amelio asked.

“I play a lot of Fortnite, this was nothing.” Spencer shrugged nonchalantly. Amelio nodded, impressed. “Can I still go to Chilis with you guys?” Spencer’s eyes lit up. Frankie and Monique looked at one another, Amelio stared at a tree off in the distance and then at them too.

“Can I go?” Amelio asked.

“Oh why not, sizzling fajitas for everyone,” Frankie said with a sigh of relief. “I’m just glad to have my identity back, but can you cover me girl I’m in a spot.” He gestured finger pistols at Monique who rolled her eyes and smiled.

“Give me the Axolotl and we’re even.”

“Deal,” Frankie said, making his way outside. Amelio joined him and Spencer as Monique grabbed her purse and closed the front door. The four made their way to the curb. “Who's going to call the ride?” Frankie asked, “because it won’t be me.” He laughed as he playfully shoved Spencer who giggled in response.

“I’ll do it,” Monique said as she got out her phone. “Should be here in, wow, like a minute.”

That’s when Frankie and his friends heard it. A horn of wieny sized proportions joyfully pierced through the nighttime air. Frankie took a deep breath.

“Whatever you do, don’t ask about her son.”