Never hear I love you

It happened so quickly- he didn't really know what was happening. There was a blinding light, then he was spinning - spinning so quickly - everything was blurry. Then he heard the ringing. There was a constant ringing.

The first thing he remembered was the pain. his whole body ached. His head hurt - really hurt. He couldn't see anything, but he could feel the throbbing pain in the back of his head. He felt blood dripping from his nose and traveling over his face. He could feel a puddle beneath his head, he could feel it soaking his hair, he could feel it in his ear.

The next thing was the panic. What had happened? where was he? He couldn't remember anything that lead to him getting there. Then when he tried to move ... he couldn't. He couldn't move. He tried, but the only thing he done was let out an awkward croak from the back of his throat. He could feel the bile rising. He was scared. He was stuck - and there was no one around to help.

The last thing was the ringing. Constant ringing. He didn't know what it was. An ambulance? screaming? An alarm? He didn't know - and that scared him the most. It seemed to vibrate through his head, causing it to throb even more. His senses were still adjusting. But they never had the chance- as before long, he had passed out.

-- - -

Then there were the lights.

His eyes flickered open and was immediately blinded by the light. And there it was again - the ringing. He looked around- it was no longer in the same place … so what was that noise. Under further inspection, he recognised the stench of bleach. And as far as he knew- there was nothing in there that would make the same noise.

He looked to his right and saw a tall blond man talking nervously to a much smaller doctor who appeared to be reassuring him -or at least she looked like she was. Her mouth moved and she looked at him with kind eyes, and finally placed her hand on his shoulder. They didn't seem that far away - yet he couldn't hear a word they were saying -that noise was getting so loud!

He groaned and lifted his hand to his head, and his vison seemed to swim. Another concerned doctor appeared in front of him, and his head throbbed. Her mouth seemed to be moving, yet because of that god awful noise he couldn't understand what she was saying.

One word was on the tip of his tongue as he faded into the darkness once again."wha- "

- - - -

The next time he woke - the ringing was still there.

He looked around again and saw the doctor and the man by the bedside. The man was looking down and fiddling with his hands as the doctor looked over the notes. However this time, he felt something warm wrapped around his fingers. Peering over, he saw the familiar head of curly brown hair that was rested on the bed in besides of him, as he clung desperately to his hand. James

He saw the doctor walk over to him and shine a light into his eye. She nodded and smiled down at James who had lifted his head. The doctor’s mouth moved. Again - because of that noise he couldn't understand.

When he didn't answer, the doctor scribbled something down and went for the door. But James had already stood and blocked her path, and looked like he was shouting?

Fragments of words span in his head, swimming in his ears. He could understand a few but not others. His head throbbed. The noise rang. All he wanted was silence.

But he could see from their faces that something was wrong. This was serious.

Eventually the other man gently pushed James aside, and the doctor left, turning back to mutter something. He couldn’t make out what.

But James had turned his attention back to him and rushed over to his side.

He was confused. James was only a foot away, yet he couldn’t hear a word he said.

Why was there ringing!

Too much ringing!

Was there ringing?

Just ringing!

Ringing!

Panic built in his chest and James’ warm hand down nothing to stop it. Through the stress his heart raced in his chest. His ribs hurt. His head ached. The ringing continued.

James squeezed his hand a little, to remind him he was still there. He wanted it to help – but it did nothing to silence the noise.

It was getting unbearable.

He didn’t hear the door slam against the wall as the doctor returned. But James turned towards her for answers.

Words were exchanged, but he couldn’t make it out. So instead of trying to hear over the noise, he looked to her mouth to figure out what was going on.

“Accident”

“Trauma”

“loss”

He must have gotten it wrong.

There is no ringing.

- - - - -

He could still hear some things, but not a lot. The doctor was able to refer him to a specialist after months of being told bad news. With their help there was hope that his hearing could be restored. The answer was an operation. But it wasn't a guarantee it would work. If it went wrong - he could lose his hearing for good.

James drove him home.

Helping him inside, there were other injuries still healing from the accident. His body remained weak. That night he ended up laying on James’ chest in front of their tv on the sofa under a bundle of blankets. He felt happy and safe in James's arms, so content that it was as though everything was normal. He was glad to be home, but he was scared.

James shifted underneath his head and soon he felt his hand on his shoulder. Looking up he found him with his phone extended towards him, a message written on the screen:

"Are you tired? do you want to go to bed?"

He shook his head and leaned back down against James's shoulder.

He was jabbed again, and he looked up annoyed -

" Are you sure," was the only thing written and he quickly took the phone from James and wrote his own message and passed it back to him. He watched as James read it -and a dark blush shone across his face. He smiled, and went to lay back down but was shocked when the phone was handed back to him reading –

"Really? are you okay to do that?"

He nodded and stood from the sofa. He had his hand out for James to take, and he pulled him up, taking the opportunity to pull him into a kiss.

He took the phone from his hand and typed:

"I’ll be up in a minute - ill just take the cups outside. I'll meet you up there. k?"

James smiled and nodded, leaving the room, and tony picked up both of the mugs and took them outside.

That's when it happened.

The ringing

Ringing!

It was so loud. It pulsed through his head, consuming his mind, squeezing his brain with an agonising strength.

Then nothing.

The cups slipped from his grasp and when he looked down, where shattered on the tiles in front of his feet.

No ringing.

First, he was relieved - it was gone! Opening his mouth to shout to James... there was nothing.

For the first time since he woke up it was silent.

Dead silent.

He couldn’t believe it, he couldn't. After everything they had been through, after all the miserable appointments, after all the nights spent sobbing into James’ chest, after all the pitiful glances. He didn't believe it - he wouldn't!

He slammed the draws together - he turned on all the taps - he threw everything out of the cupboards -he hits pans together ... nothing.

Nothing

Nothing

Silence

Feeling two strong arms wrap around him, he dropped the pans. Tears were fell down his face -he could only presume he was sobbing. James held him in his pit of despair. He held him close to himself as he sobbed. He held him- and don't want to let him go. He appreciated it- but couldn't say how much. Would never be able to thank him.

They both dropped to the floor, the shards of glass cutting into his knees. He sobbed wildly, clutching at James ‘chest as he come to the realisation. James held him as he shook. He held him close to him. James whispered comforting things to him, he could feel his breath. Things he would never hear.

He would never hear him say "I love you,"