NAIROBI

Who even names a city Nairobi? I mean c’mon ancestors, where was your wit when you had a closed-door meeting and decided that this tropical land is called Nairobi.

It actually comes from a Maasai phrase "Enkare Nyrobi", which translates to "cool water". What did we expect though from guys like the Scotish Highlanders still roam the town in their Maasai shukas with sharp knives safely strapped on their waists. I thought those were weapons of mass destruction and shouldnt be allowed in the public, yeah, tell that to Maasai.

No wonder they gave our city such an ugly name, we'll survive it though. I wonder whether they seat in their mud houses busking in their glory saying, look who won now.

The naming process must have been a round table meeting with the elders sitting across each other lost in thoughts of what to call the place, a name that will confuse their enemies into thinking it's a space full of nothing, so they sat and thought.

There must have been cashew nuts passed around with the spirit of sharing up and about.

The brewer must have put on her A-game for this important naming ceremony. The best of the concussions from the finest of whatever it is they use to make the local brew must have been fetched from the far lands, and when they were drunk, confused, and loose, the chief cattle rustler in the community sneezed hard and loud, and there it was, the sneeze sounded like Nyobi, and behold the mighty Nairobi was born.

What a group....

The celebration of the new discovery of the famous name must have been followed by the herdsmen party, or maybe play Ajua, it's taboo not to know Ajua is by the way, if you're reading this and you are lost, then you are the person we've been looking for all this time, you are the reason humanity is suffering, who knows maybe you are the long lost relative to Osama bin Laden.

Do you ever wonder what is happening to this guy wherever he is?

Heaven or Hell?

I think he is somewhere between, I mean who would want to welcome that fella in their home,? I'm not unless he has some serious insurance. Satan probably rejected him long before he was dead. Hell isn’t big enough to accommodate him, besides there is enough heat in there already, where will he take his bombs?

God surely doesn’t even know he exists, I can bet on my toes that.

Angel Gabriel knows him though, Gabi, that’s what they call him up there, so Gabi saw him strolling towards the gates of heaven and rushed to Mose, y'all know Mose right? That fella who with a big stick, he who made a tarmac road through the red sea for the Israelite cars to zoom through? Yea, that guy, so Gabi went and found Mose chilling and he was like, ‘Yoh, Mose, you see that chap with Jesus like beard walking here?” and Mose was like, “ Ehee, what about him?,” and Gabi was like, “I think he is one of the Israelites you left behind,” then Mose gave him that kind of look like to say, are you on something bro? But he says nothing. Then Gabi persists, “Man he has those beards your mates had back then, and the rob too man, he must have lost the group right before Cannan, could you go ask him wassup?”

I think Mose is still talking to him but it's obvious Osama doesn’t understand Hebrew..

Back to Nairobi, the only city with a true, live park. The animals there are real too. An interesting city it is with the best and the worst kind of people living in ‘harmony’.

If you haven't been to Nairobi then you haven't been anywhere, rethink your priorities and make an effort to visit, I will be waiting to take you around, till then I’ll take you through, so come with me let me show you the way.

Foreigners first welcome to the real world, especially those from Europe and beyond. Is there anything out there past Europe? who cares. Thank you for crossing seas and oceans to be here, we are happy to have you, but will be happier with your purses. Kindly keep the self-entitlement, easy transport, working systems, and the human rights noise you make wherever you come from safely tucked in your bags, you will have them back on your way out.

You won't need them here, in fact, they are just as foreign as you are down here.

For our beloved fellow Africans, welcome home brother, we are slightly better than you, but the same in every other aspect. I don't need to tell you much other than equip you with a survival toolkit.

“Niaje” is the basic form of greeting here, it’s ISO certified, not sure of the number but it is if you don’t believe you, go ask them. It is slang that translates to Hi, however, your response determines the kind of treatment you get. With this simple form of greeting a local is able to know a visitor, they are so good at it that they might be able to tell from which part of the continent you came just by the response you give to this simple form of greeting.

The few with a little grasp of the Queen’s language will utter a “hello”, it’s often a silly attempt to portray some sort of class. Mastery of a few English words is equivalent to being intelligent here, not that we aren't that educated, we just tend to extra. Interesting how a language can be a measure of intelligence. Most will tell you nothing important afterward, it's a very useless conversation starter meant to attract your attention, sometimes a pick-up line.

Then there is the RADA? group, avoid these ones my people, avoid them like plague and you will be safe, your wallet will be safe, your pride will be protected and if you didn't leave your ego at home, then it shall be safe too. They are what we call live wire.

It's always an inquiry on what’s going on with you, but at the same time serves as a “how are you?” kind of question. Everyone in this city and I mean everyone has an intention from the time they greet you, it’s safer to ignore than to respond, keep your cultured self in your pocket, it's not rude to ignore people here, it's simply safe.

We are the East African economic hub, that’s a title we carry around proudly in fact if you don't have a budge to attest to this then that means you haven’t picked your Huduma number, go get it along with your certificate. This means that everything is a business opportunity, we sell anything and everything in the city, ask for a bag of oxygen and a box of nitrogen, even a mixture of both if you want, there is always someone with a ready explanation on where to find it. Wherever they get it, is a secret guarded by the special forces.

Make eye contact with a street vendor, commonly known as hawkers and you have given them an official signal that you want to buy, they will offer you everything they have in their carrier boxes with all their prices, changing one after the other till you can’t breathe no more.

I think they have tickets to heaven as well, so yee sinners of the world, get yourself down here and grab one at a friendly price, “bei ya jioni”.

The google maps in the city aren't your day-to-day google maps, it’s a uniformed guard with a club normally on their right hand, anyone with a club on the left hand is a newbie, he doesn't know anything, move on. These guys know everything and everywhere in town, ask one of the directions to an office building and they will give you a detailed direction to the place and back, only when you listen keenly do you realize that they are actually not making sense, maybe it’s a requirement of theirs to lie to people of the directions just like you have to be a Wafula to qualify for the job.

Few will show you the right places but most are just wannabes feeling important and entitled in those ugly-looking flat caps and fat bellies seated there being useful only to themselves.

The nightlife, don’t even get me started, the town center used to be the real deal then with lots of clubs playing blasting music, you’ll have an array to choose from.

Decency however relocated to the Westlands and some other parts of the city, the girls are always in skimpy dresses, and the gents… well the gents aren't they the ones to be impressed but the butt-high dresses? Here you will find all sorts of joints and all sorts of music, West African, South African, East African, European, Chinese, Russian, everything.

The only beats that are worth dancing though are African, if you feel like jumping though, you can go have a blast at AL-Chemist, they play western music there.

The most important thing though is your interaction. How you relate to people here is the core determinant to you having a full experience, people are nice, lively, and lovely.

There are two groups of people that you can bet you will meet at some point. Thieves and cops, if you have a choice, please choose thieves.

There is no 911 here, get over it. You won’t get a free lift home just because you are drunk and are being responsible by not driving home.

I say you settle for the thugs if you have a choice over the cops, because they play the same role here when darkness takes over. They beat and rob you. The only difference is that to the thugs you are a customer so they won’t hurt you if you cooperate, they will simply take what you have, safely keep it for you and leave you unscratched.

The men in blue though, maaaan, bad news, run, at least they won't shoot you, it's the exact opposite here, these fellas start with a slap. I think it’s a unit in their training course. I have been slapped by 5 different cops and the slap always lands the same, hurts the same, and the word that follows is always the same.

These guys will not just slap, rough, and bangle you up, but also give you a very unforgiving cell to spend the night, meanwhile, they will have paid themselves for the trouble with the uber money you spared. I prefer the safety of being robbed and not hit, to being legally robbed, roughed, and chained. The choice is yours though, I already made peace with mine.

Every city in the world has its stink, and that is just the stink of my City, with all that I still won't change it for anything.

Welcome to Nairobi.