My Summer Plans - Ruined...

My summer had been planned 4 different times this year.

I like planning.

I do not like my plans changing - let alone getting smashed into smithereens!

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My first plan was before the end of last year. I had big plans: what I was going to do, my goals and how I would accomplish them, and a few trips outlined.

I was going to set aside more time for my business to be able to grow and get another book published. This was a priority for me because, in 2024, I was only able to publish a book that had been written and mostly edited before the start of 2024 - not the book I had planned on releasing!

I was going to get my (sorta) van operational again and use it solely as a camping vehicle so that my kids and I could try to travel some... I knew that this may or may not be able to be done due to the unknown with what all was wrong with the van as well as the unknown if my kids could handle camping with me due to health/behavioral issues, but it was my hope!

I was going to improve on my gardening abilities, work towards being more comfortable with canning, get several house projects completed, etc. so that I could be a little bit more self-sufficient.

I was going to have a better schedule figured out... hahahahaha I still cannot believe that I even try for scheduling! It never seems to work out... *sigh*

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Then, plans changed when I found out that I was going to be spending this summer pregnant - the third summer that I would be very pregnant in the last 8 years.

Plans massively shifted, of course! Then, they shifted again (slightly) when I found out that I would be having multiples. I hated the change, but that isn't surprising as I don't do well with change.

Time that I set aside for my business was now replaced with time spent vomiting with really bad morning sickness as well as spiraling into panic attacks because I was going to be solely responsible for 1, no 3, ok 2... new children!

All of my travel plans were scrapped as with pregnancy (especially high-risk), I should not be traveling alone that close to my due date - let along with 2 other young children as the only adult. This was one of the hardest things for me because I was really looking forward to my planned, hopeful trips...

The plan for gardening and canning got scrapped for the same reason that traveling got scrapped. My house project list turned into needed changes with having baby(s) to think about once more! I was upset that my "wants" were side tracked - even if I understood the logical reasons...

My schedule was going to get figured out alright... the new plan? Survive. Just survive. *giggles* Not much of a plan, but very realistic considering what was happening!

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Then, the third plan occured when I lost my pregnancy. It was a slower change that also enveloped the new found knowledge that I am autistic along with my kid's starting a new schedule with their dad - and all of the stuff that that entailed getting used to.

I stepped back from a majority of my business goals. I was getting close (if not in) autistic burnout and, well, I was so depressed and discouraged that I wondered if anything that I was doing to build a life even mattered at all! I was so tired... so sad... so emotional... so overwhelmed that I could not focus on even the things that take no brain cells (like rewatching tv episodes).

The only thing that I could focus on? Was meeting the needs of my kids. They ate and had (mostly) healthy options for a balanced menu. But I didn't care whether or not I fed myself.

My travel plans? Who cared... they wouldn't matter... everything was so overwhelming that I had started running out of stores again - sans the groceries that I paid for - because I had what I had thought were panic attacks for so long. It turns out? They were meltdowns and/or shutdowns that never got better with the anxiety medication because it wasn't anxiety!

I didn't care about any of the home projects. Making sure that my living children were cared for adequately was the only project that mattered in the least. The home projects for their safety? Yes, those would still get done... otherwise, I couldn't have cared less...

My schedule? Who cared. Everyone else makes it for me and I don't have a choice in the matter... I will just keep doing what I am told that I have to - no matter if it is right or wrong for me I guess... Told to start autism group - add it in. Told to send my kids to daycare more - schedule it. Told to increase therapy appointments - done. My opinion was completely irrelevant...

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Finally, the fourth plan occurred around the middle of July when it was time to get the calendar for the school year figured out (tentatively) and we realized that our "summer break" was going to have to end beginning of August.

I started scheduling in time for my writing/business goals. It has been a rough start, but it is somewhat helpful!

Travel plans were made, different, but still made and (as of August 1st, 2025) one has been acted on! *smile* The van was sold, but life keeps moving on and I am hoping for another trip (or three!) with my kiddos August/September/October.

House projects started getting done. It has been slow, but I finally have a couple of reliable people to help and I, while not entirely over the sadness I feel, have started to have urges to improve my situation! *smile*

My schedule? Is needing a few more tweeks, but it is looking much better! I am a little bit stressed out about how to get all of the educational time met for school while also trying to incorporate all of my (much needed!) appointments/meetings, business goals, and goals of trying new things as well as dedicating time to simply decompress as that seems to be one of the only things that is helping my burnout symptoms improve... but, I am feeling hopeful that I can actually do this after all! *smile*

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My summer has fallen apart 3 of those times - and my fingers are crossed for better luck with plan #4 - but, at least in theory, this has helped to strengthen my resilience and allowed for growth in my ability to be flexible with change... hopefully!

This was not the summer that it was meant to be.

I was going to have older kids and do fun things with them...

then I was going to have new additions...

then I had that plan stolen from me with a surprising additional fact of being autistic and that I needed to make several adjustments... including forgiving myself and others for making my life out to be simply things that could be fixed with choices and therapy and medication - when some things, I cannot choose or be therapied/medicated out of! In example, that beautiful shirt with the horrible lace... I cannot force myself to wear it happily when it gives me sensory issues!

My new plan has a lot of room to grow in the focused areas. But, the main difference is that my new plan, plans on accepting and adapting to any changes that are going to be needing to occur and doing things that I need to do in order to live a happy and healthy life!

This was the summer that wasn't - and I am still so sad in a lot of ways - but this was also the summer that allowed me to grow in ways that I hadn't planned for!

I am so very excited to see what all that my summer end's up becoming... *wink*

Please share about your summers in the comments!