My Social Anxiety Monster

I woke up today with the same amount of dread as usual. My back aching and my head pounding. I hope he doesn’t start up again, it’s bad enough I had a panic attack in class yesterday. I had breezed through my morning routine and rushed out of my apartment.

Praying to whatever is out there, that he wouldn’t make me socialize with people so early in the morning. I walked past the park, past the liquor store, past the library. I could see the leaves breeze past me when I made it towards the front doors of my work. So close I thought, my fingertips were so close to opening the door. Until I heard his laugh. It started in the pit of his stomach, vibrated towards the mouth and sent chills down my spine.

“You really thought I was going to let you slide?” a snap of his fingers 3 co workers appeared. Shoving paperwork into my hands, asking for coffee and snacks, informing me about a meeting today. All before I could even say a simple “good morning” My breathing started to escalate and my legs started to shake.

“Sorry love. But you know I am just trying to do my job.” his shadow scared me more than his actual self. His shadow held my deepest fears, showed all my previous panic attacks, showed every single person who pushed me over the edge of sanity. At least when I looked at him, he looked like an actual person. But you see, that is the scariest part, I hate people.

So here he comes tormenting me with groups of people from all ages. Each one causing me to shut down completely. There is no escaping his stupid game. I have tried being homeschooled or working from home. None of those ever worked because somehow a new person would show up at my doorstep.

I have tried talking to him, asking him to give me a day off. Seeing that would give him a day off as well. But no. As soon as I would open my mouth and protest 10 more people appeared.

Today I had met 23 new people at work, had to help a child find their parent, and I spent $10 dollars to help a veteran purchase the rest of his groceries. You see that all happened in 10 minutes. As soon as I walked out of work, he threw more people at.

“Do you keep having to torture me with this stupidity?”

“It’s my job. What should I do now? I could have sent you pizza delivery to your house instead of the actual addresses. I can make you meet that guy who you blocked on social media to hang out with you again. I could do so much more to make your biggest fears come to life. It is not my fault you hate people and that it is so easy to piss you off.”

He disappeared, like he did after every question I’d ask him. He never wanted to finish, never wanted to hear me out, never wanted to give me an actual reason onto why this was happening to me. I mean I understand that it happens because I hate people and this is some type of punishment because of it.

He is my Social Anxiety Monster and I still hate people.