My Darkness Before the Dawn

How many days has it been since I've seen myself? How many years since my surrender? Now as I walk through this moonless night, cold and weary through what once was a clear-cut forest, my fear is pushing me. He has taken them, my children, into this darkness. He has again chosen the path of pride, ignored my pleas, doubted my intuition and in doing so has placed them in harm’s way. It’s cold and in this night, I fear the rain. My heart beats with theirs, I can feel their anxiety. I stumble blinded by a force only a mother can know. With the next step the ground gives way, the rotten wood crumbles beneath my feet, I fall.

The earth pulls me into a new kind of darkness. I can faintly see my hands in front of me. Finally, I break and scream out to the universe in frustration. As if by response to my cries, I feel a wave overcome me. The pace of my heart lightens, I let go of the fear and can give way to myself for the first time in almost a decade. It’s only now in my darkest moment that I remember. I remember that girl I was before. That girl that saw the adversity, the potential devastation that would follow, and grinned. She grinned not for lack of fear but because knowing well the forces at hand, she always took the leap. No matter the feat or the outcome of that next step, she would always take it. To others she was seen as fearless, but to her she was simply free.

With this memory I stand from this swampy grave, in doing so I am reminded of it all. All the triumphs that I overcame to protect him. All the adversity I dragged us through only to be told I was not enough. Every moment of physical weakness and mental fatigue I managed to pull the will to push forward from strongest parts of me. The parts me that loved completely and unconditionally, that is my strength. He made light of these moment as if all people could do the same, but now standing after yet another fall, I know I am not average. My submission was out of fear of losing him, but that fear is now overcome by the greatness of the situation at hand. He has my children; they are in danger.

My cheeks become flush, this is anger, the boil of my blood is warming me. My rage grants me focus. I take a breath and with that I crawl. Through half frozen waters there is a path out, I follow it and emerge on the other side of the debris. Another breath, I feel them. I surrender to intuition and allow it to drive my direction, faster now, through the forest. I become one with the darkness, no longer stumbling, I run sure-footed driven by the hearts of my own soul. In the foreground is a clearing, that’s where they are. As I step into it, I notices this not ground I am on, but water, a pond, frozen, on the cusp of breaking due to springs approach. In the distance I see them.

“What are you doing?!” I cry out to the man who is now center to the pond, my little ones close in toe.

His rant begins, “It’s just on the other side, I know it, this is the way!”

I move closer hearing the crackle beneath me, “But it’s not, bring them back, the ice is going to break!”

He becomes angry, “What do you know?! You know nothing, your so naïve, so stupid, I know what I am doing! I know where I am going!”

The man I see before me I faintly recognized. With each month of his decline a little more of him has faded away. With the clarity my own darkness has brought me, I can accept fully he is already gone. He is only the shell of a man I called husband. I admit to myself what my heart knew long ago, I cannot save him. He is truly lost, I need to get my children, I need to protect them from what I know may come next. In the pit of my stomach, I swallow all the fear, the exhaustion, and the rage. I show in my face what they need to see. With the same calm voice that puts them to sleep, I beckon my children. They come running to me.

I meet with them in the middle of the distance that was between us. My body feels a sigh of relief as I hold them close in my embrace. I smile and tell them it’s going to be okay. He moves closer, heavy footed, convinced he is correct, that we need to follow him. I place myself between him and my babies. I can see his anger swelling in the silence, but I am not afraid. I speak only one question in the same tone, only now expressionless. Standing firm in my own power I ask, “Do you really want to do this? Right here, right now?” He is stopped in his tracks because he recognizes this part of me that has been long dormant. The very person he has known to be his unrivaled companion that is now his declarated opponent. He is unnerved by my calm in response to his hostility.

To the right of us I see a clear path, one which I know will lead to safety and security. I begin to guide my children in that direction, following behind, never breaking my gaze from their father. There is no fear in my body despite the crackle beneath our feet, I know we will be okay. As their small feet reach solid ground, I look away from the man who is now in the distance, standing alone in the middle of the thawing pond. As I turn towards my children, walking only feet in front of me, I hear it. A soul silencing crack followed by a huge splash.

Adrenaline pumping, as calmly as my body will allow me, I ask my children to sit. They do as they are told. In this moment I can see they did not acknowledge the sound and have no idea of what I know just happened. Every ounce of habit left me with urge to run towards him, but the ground had already touched my feet and thankfully it was keeping me. Reaching resolve in fraction of a second, I know if I am to go, my children will follow. I cannot save him anymore as doing such will risk drowning all of us. All I can do now is watch as the cold waters consume him. I hold my breath knowing only he can only save himself. Just as I start fearing the worst, a hand reaches out from the other side of the pond. Now fighting for his own life, he draws the strength to pull himself out.

Dawn is finally bringing the light of a new day. From across the way we clearly see each other for the first time in a long time, the last as husband and wife. From the distance his mouth speaks the words, “I’m sorry”. Heartbroken, I stand firm and say with as much sympathy as my face can convey, “I know”. I turn away, children in hand, we being to walk our new path. I take one last look back to find him still going the same direction that got him lost, only now he is truly alone. As the forest envelopes the last bit of light on his body, I keep us moving forward and away. With certainty we’ll travel, knowing we’ll be fine, as I no longer fear darkness.