My Conscience

Far across the road in the solace of serene night sky, a bright light, as white as gushing waterfalls, pouring from the heavens with an almost divine intensity. There is calmness to it. It is soothing yet eerie.

As I approached, it became brighter, there is something fascinating and enticing about it, that draws you to it. The excitement in me compels to approach it, but my common sense is trying to reason with me.

Something about this reminds me of a warning I once heard—one that marine biologists often give. 'If you ever see something too beautiful, too alluring on the shore, stay away. Because more often than not, the most mesmerizing things are the most dangerous.'

I didn't care about my common sense reasoning with me. I started going closer to it. The closer I got the brighter was the light. It was like a steady beam without deflection. I wanted to be under it. It felt like it is going to calm me for some reason. I wasn't sure if I want to absorb the energy it was emitting or the energy to absorb me. But I wanted it!

As it gets closer my feet started to move faster, there was absolute silence in the vicinity. I ran toward it, like diving into ice-cold water on a scorching summer day.

As soon as I reached the ring of beam...it gulped me to the center with a heavy force. Its is a mix of calm and chaos. It is warm and cold. It is ecstatic. I almost felt the light penetrating into my veins filling with extreme joy. I am enjoying every second of it. While the feeling is like I've never experienced before, deep down I'm convinced this is made for just for me.

Within moments, I fell unconscious. I have no idea how much time passed, something in my back hurts, it feels like something got stuck to my skin, like something got etched. I couldn't open my eyes. It's hurting like hell, feels so heavy. My body aches in pain, it is screaming not to open my eyes.

I am forcing myself yet my eyes feel heavy, barely cracking open. I want to give up. I am exhausted.

I stayed calm. I have contemplated everything before getting into this. A moment of curiosity lead me to something terminally painful. I revisited the moment before I jumped into this again and again. I asked myself would I do it again to experience the adrenaline rush that gave me? Every single time my conscience said yes! Then why am I disappointed in myself? Why can't I pick myself up? The conflict between giving up and picking up is killing me. I laid there in pain for several hours hoping the pain would subside. But it keeps getting worse. The more I wait the more the pain is consuming me.

I gathered up all my energy just to open my eyes to the darkness. All the light, all the excitement, all the rush is gone. I am only left with the pain. A pain that feels like it's not going to end for an eternity.

At this point sitting in this pain feels comfortable. What if I wake up only to feel more pain? At least, this pain is a known one now. It is excruciating yet it somehow familiar. But what if I wake up and it is comforting?

What awaits me? I feel like a seed planted in soil. All I can see is darkness. Although, I get water from time to time. Will I have the strength to sprout? Will I ever be able to grow to see the light? Am I incapable despite having enough resources? Does the light await me?