My Big, Crazy, Norse Myth Wedding

Who doesn't love Norse mythology? Odin. Thor. Freyja. Loki. It's a rich, sprawling mythology. Having said that, like other mythologies, there are elements of silliness insanity, chaos, all of which make it even more compelling for me.

Take, for example, the myth The Lay of Thrymr. In this myth, a giant, Thrymr, gets the bright idea to steal Thor's hammer, Mjölnir, and hold it for ransom.

Crazy, right? Maybe not a great idea. Maybe choose a Norse god who doesn't double as a superhero?

Add to that, Thrymr decides to demand Thor pay a ransom. But not just any old ransom. Thrymr, living his best giant life, is thinking BIG ransom.

I mean, it's not like Thrymr has never heard of Thor. He's the Norse God of Strength and is known for relentlessly slaughtering his enemies. Maybe come up with another, less mythologically dangerous, object to pilfer, eh Thrymr?

Oh no. Not Thrymr. He's swinging for the fences, or the shield walls, or whatever they swing for in Norse myths.

So in the myth, Thrymr sneaks into Thor's bedroom and steals Mjölnir, secrets it back to the land of giants, and buries it eight miles underground. Ok, Thrymr. So far so good, but I'm still not entirely sold on this plan.

When he wakes up, Thor realizes his hammer is gone. He tells the other gods and they decide that Loki should investigate. The Trickster God borrows the cloak of Freyja, the Goddess of Love and Beauty, and flies to the land of the giants to see what's what. He finds Thrymr primping his horses and working on a dog collar.

You do you, Thrymr.

Loki questions Thrymr about the theft. Astonishingly, Thrymr admits his guilt and tells Loki that he has the hammer buried eight miles underground and he'll only return it if he can marry Freyja.

Yes, that Freyja. Thrymr wants to marry the Goddess of Love and Beauty. I mean, props to Thrymr. Go big or go home, right?

Loki flies back to Asgard, the home of the gods. He lets everyone know and, to no one's surprise, Freyja flies into a rage. She gets so mad that she breaks her necklace, Brisingamen.

I mean, no big deal, right? She broke a necklace. Who hasn't? But...

Brisingamen was made by four dwarves. It's considered profoundly beautiful and of course, has magical powers. Still...just a necklace right?

Not quite. To get the necklace, Freyja had to sleep with each of the four dwarves. So breaking it is definitely a big deal. Although I have to say, I'm going to need a lot more than a beautiful necklace, even a profoundly beautiful necklace, to bed down with four different dwarves. But I digress.

To get back to the main theme of the myth: Freyja was super mad and she and absolutely refused to marry Thrymr. She's also in need of a really good jeweler to repair Brisingamen and Thor is hammerless.

What to do? What to do?

Hold a council of the gods. Good idea. Surely, the gods can come up with a clever, wise plan using god-like wisdom to get Thor's hammer back and avoid marrying off one of their own to a creepy giant, right?

Well...

Heimdall, the guardian of the gods, who possesses foresight that's supposed to be "otherworldly" comes up with a plan. Oh boy. This should be brilliant.

Heimdall's great, genius plan is for Thor to dress as a woman and pretend to be Freyja. Loki will accompany Thor to the land of the giants and pretend to be a handmaiden.

"Otherworldly foresight," Heimdall? So the best you've got is to dress up Thor, the God of Thunder, as Freyja, the Goddess of Beauty?

Loki will shapeshift into a handmaiden.

Oh, ok. I get it. Thor will shapeshift into Freyja too, right?

Nope.

That's right. The plan is for Thor, the God of Thunder to...

take a walk on the wild side.

Ok. Look, I'm all about suspension of disbelief and all, but Thor...dressing up in a wedding gown as Freyja. No magic? No shapeshifting?

I have to say, I'm not a big fan of this plan and in my humble opinion, Heimdall's "foresight" has dropped from "otherworldly" to "heinously bad". Heimdall the Heinous.

I said what I said.

Yet, all the Norse gods sign off on Heimdall's plan. Ok fine Norse gods. Have it your way. I'm very curious to see how this brilliant plan plays out.

So shapeshifted Trickster God Loki and cross-dressed God of Thunder Thor set off to the land of giants for the wedding. Did the conversation on the way go something like this?

"Thor, you have to be delicate, ladylike, modest." The God of Strength nods his veiled head, then emits a deep grunt of approval.

Loki shakes his head. "No Thor. No grunting. Maybe best not to say anything."

Thor agrees. The pair soon arrives in the land of giants. Thor, in his wedding dress, walks into the great hall and every giant in the room is suspicious.

Shocker.

Loki somehow manages to quell the suspicions of the giants. For the moment, he's got them convinced that Thor is Freyja. The Trickster God lives up to his rep.

Then they served the food and drink.

I would love to have seen Loki's face when Thor started eating and drinking. Then continued eating and drinking...until he had consumed an entire ox and tossed back three casks of mead. For some perspective, see the photo for this story. That's a Norwegian ox. Also, a giant's cask of mead would have likely been about a thousand gallons of mead. Not surprisingly, "Freyja's" appetite and thirst raised more red flags with the giants.

You think???

Loki probably kicked Thor under the table. Can't you see him whispering angrily to the "bride?"

"Really, Thor? A WHOLE ox?"

Loki had to act fast. He explained that Freyja had fasted for eight nights because she longed so deeply for Thrymr and that made her super-hungry and crazy-thirsty.

Look, I get it - appeal to the giant male ego, which, apparently, is even more giant in, well, a giant. But still...it's a whole ox and three thousand gallons of mead. That's gotta raise some eyebrows.

But, full credit to Loki - the giants bought it.

Come on giants. Be better.

The wedding celebration continued. At some point, Thrymr wanted a little sugar from his betrothed. He lifted Thor's, I mean Freyja's veil for a kiss. Thrymr locked eyes with the Thunder God.

Thor's eyes were blazing and fierce and burned like fire. So much so that Thrymr was knocked across the room just from the look Thor gave him.

Yes, a giant was knocked across the room by the blazing ferocity of eyes of his betrothed, again, the Goddess of Love and Beauty. I can hear Loki now.

"Would it have killed you to smile at him, Thor? Maybe not give him the flaming glare of death?"

Yeg again, the Trickster God moved quickly, explaining to Thrymr and the other giants that Freyja hadn't slept for eight nights because she was just so excited to be with her future husband. That's why her eyes were so red.

You guessed it. The giants bought it.

Again.

Come on giants. Especially you, Thrymr. She's supposed to be the Goddess of Beauty and her eyes were so bloodshot and rage-filled that it knocked you, a giant, across the room. A giant like Thrymr probably tipped the scales somewhere in the neighborhood of eight thousand pounds.

A little critical thinking wouldn't kill you, Thrymr. Thor, however will kill you.

Surely giants, you can't possibly do anything dumber, right? The idiocy stops here...right?

Thrymr: "Hold my mead."

In order to bless the union, Thrymr decides it would be a good idea to place Mjölnir, the magical hammer of murder, in his bride's lap. The same bride that blasted your eight thousand pound bulk across the room with nothing more than a mean look, ate a whole ox, and drank three giant-sized casks of mead.

I mean...come on dude.

You know what, giants? I'm done with you. Let's just get to the conclusion of they myth. Although, it's not tough to figure out what happens once

Thrymr put's...

Thor's stolen hammer...

into Thor's lap...

while...

sitting right next to him.

Yep. Thor grabs his hammer, throws off his veil, slaughters Thrymr and all the other giants, takes his beloved Mjölnir, gets into his goat-drawn chariot (yes, goat-drawn), and goes back home to Asgard with Loki.

I just have to put this out there for the giants in attendance:

Worst

wedding

ever.

MORALS OF THE STORY

So, as with any good myth, we ask...what's the moral of the story? I'm sure there were intended morals, but allow me to offer the morals I took from this strange tale.

MORAL #1 - this seems fairly obvious, but don't steal the God of Thunder's magic hammer of destruction. If you're overcome by that kleptomaniacal urge, snatch a pack of gum. Better yet, just be a good little giant and avoid thievery altogether. Stick to dog collars and horse primping.

MORAL#2 - If it eats an ox, drinks three thousand gallons of ale, and blows you across the room with an evil eye, it's probably NOT the Goddess of Love and Beauty.

MORAL #3 - The Norse gods weren't as smart as I thought, but the giants, well, they were stupid on a different level.

RETRACTION AND APOLOGY

Earlier in this story, the author was highly judgmental and critical of Heimdall. I admit that I was wrong and I apologize, unequivocally, to Heimdall. I retract my statement calling him "Heimdall the Heinous."

I can admit when I've made a mistake. Turns out, Heimdall's foresight is top notch.

Also, after reading this tale, I really don't want to get on the bad side of gods who eat an ox, massacre eight thousand pound giants, or sleep with four dwarves for a necklace.

THE END