Melanie

Rose entered the kitchen and kissed her passionately before sitting down. It still made Melanie’s heart beat faster.

‘What do you want to do for our tenth anniversary? I thought we could have something special.’

Melanie looked into her cup, a delicate porcelain piece which she got for her last birthday. She followed the flowery pattern with her finger. Rose repeated the question.

‘I don’t know darling. I’m sure you’ll come up with some ideas.’

‘You seem out of sorts…’

‘It’s nothing.’

Rose started making breakfast, putting croissants into the oven. As she moved about she swayed to the song that played on the radio. Melanie was following her movements, her eyes magnetised by Rose’s curvy hips. She sighed and turned her gaze away.

Last month she’d started getting nausea and headaches. She still hadn’t told Rose anything. No need to worry her.

As Melanie got up to get more coffee, her head spun around. She managed to put down her cup, and then clutched the edge of the counter.

‘Darling, is something wrong?’

Melanie winced, pushing herself more upright.

‘I’m fine. I think I haven’t had enough water today, just felt a bit weak.’

Rose still had that painfully concerned look on her face.

‘Or maybe I’m pregnant.’

That worked, they both laughed. Melanie had never had sex with a man and her wife knew it. The few experiments she had back in high-school with Kevin didn’t even get that far. Rose kissed her on the cheek, brushed her hair and went back to cooking. Investigation avoided.

*

Melanie went out of the hospital clutching her results and looking blankly ahead. The wind ruffled her hair, blowing some strands into her eyes. She stood there as if unable to take the next step. The world seemed such a strange place now.

This is not me, this is not my life.

Someone asked her if she needed help but she said no. After all, what kind of help could they give her? She could get home on her own, for now.

She pulled out the phone, unlocked it, started dialling Rose’s number, and then stopped the call. Not yet. Melanie shook her head and brushed off a few tears. No need to face that yet. She unlocked her phone again and called a different number.

‘Hi Kevin. I’m sorry, can we change our plans for today? Yeah, remember that time when you offered to teach me ice skating? I wanna try. Yes, definitely. What happened? No, nothing. I just feel today is the right day to try it, I need some fun. Okay, excellent. See you soon!’

She checked the screen. Unanswered call, Rose tried to get back to her. Melanie hesitated for a moment before swiping the notification off the screen. Cancelled. Like her whole life, in a blink.

**

She was supposed to meet with Kevin at the park, where a frozen pond served as an ice-rink in winter. Surrounded by snow-covered trees, it looked magical. Melanie spotted his tall figure from a distance, broad shoulders even more prominent that usual because of his jacket.

As she approached, he smiled and hugged her. It made her forget about her worries for a moment, seeing him in good mood. He had just been through a bad breakup a few months ago, and she held him through it. They could always count on each other, she knew. That’s why she was there.

‘Enjoying your day so far?’ it was an innocent enough question. She couldn’t answer it though, her voice got stuck. Gosh, if I cannot lie to his face, how is it going to be with Rose? Right now, she wanted to not think about it as long as she could.

Fortunately, Kevin didn’t press her for a reply when it didn’t come. His eyes scrutinised her face though. Did he see something, understand?

‘Ready to bruise your ass?’ he said eventually.

It wasn’t that bad. Melanie used to roller-skate so she quickly picked up the basics and was doing rounds in no time.

‘You’re amazing! I wish all my students were so talented.’ She wondered if it was true, or he was trying to charm her. Even though she told him clearly after the prom they could only ever be friends, he loved flirting with her. Melanie wasn’t sure how much of it was genuine, how much a play, but it didn’t bother her. It just became part of their routine.

By the end of their second hour she was keen to try some tricks. He showed her how to do a turn in place. He moved so gracefully, it seemed easy enough. ‘Go for it’ he was cheering. She slipped though and almost fell. He caught her. And held in a tight grip for a while. Melanie looked into his eyes, dark, kind, so warm. And also so strong.

She kissed him. It was different than with Rose, for sure. Everything was different in her life now.

When they parted, an uncertain smile was barely covering shock on his face.

‘It seems like this day is abounding in first times for me…’ she mumbled.

‘What is happening Melanie?’

‘Nothing, it was just the moment…. I enjoyed it.’

‘I don’t just mean the kiss. You seem out of sorts.’

He stroked her hair, removed lose strands from her forehead.

Her mouth crumbled. And she burst out in tears.

‘Can we go to your place? I need to talk, in private.’

He looked surprised again, but agreed.

‘What is it, Melanie?’ He asked as soon as they got out of their jackets and sat down on a sofa in his dark living room.

Melanie started crying and for a long time there was nothing more she could do, until the waves calmed down on their own. They were too strong to suppress. She was grateful how he was giving her time, all the time she needed.

‘You know, I always wanted to have a big family, back when I was a kid. Then I quickly realised I was a lesbian and it got pushed aside, because it seemed impossible. I had to keep pretending, in front of my friends, my family… It was only when I went to the uni that I became hoping for something more. And I was so lucky that I’ve met Rose… With her kids, we’ve created a proper family, like I always dreamed.’ She was unable to continue because of sobbing.

‘Is there something wrong with Rose?’

‘No, it’s not that. It is still amazing, after all these years… but I don’t think I can be with her much longer.’

He waited until she was finally able to speak.

‘Kevin…I have cancer.’

He stared at her for a while, his eyes unbelieving.

‘Does Rose know?’ He said, his voice hoarse.

‘No. Her mother died of cancer two years ago. It was horrible. Rose has suffered so much, it took long months in hospitals, surgeries, chemo… I dont’ want to put her through it. I must protect her.’

‘You must protect yourself, first and foremost. And you can’t hide it from her.’

‘I know. I’ll figure something out. Just be with me, please.’

He moved closer and held her tightly for a long time. His arms felt so comforting in their strangeness. A different world. If only it was so easy to change everything… She raised her head and found his mouth again.

Life-long lesbian. Maybe this is the only chance to try something else? In truth, she knew she wasn’t going to change her preferences. She needed something to forget, even for a while, of her life, of herself.

‘Are you sure about this?’ he asked when she started unbuttoning his shirt. Melanie nodded, in case her voice betrayed her doubts. She wanted it. She didn’t know who was making the decision.

***

The morning air pierced her coat, as she walked the empty streets. Trees, cars, railings - everything around her sparkled with frost. It felt satisfying, like she was being purified by the cold and the whiteness around. She had to leave Kevin’s, be on her own. She still didn’t want to go home.

‘When are you going to tell Rose?’ he had asked before she left. Never, she wanted to say. I don’t want her to know. Neither about cancer, nor the last night.

She knew it was silly of her. Like a child, who thought she could just wish things away by pretending they weren’t real. Melanie had always been good at that, telling others stories she wanted to be true. It won’t work this time, will it?

Last night she had texted Rose that she’d be staying at her sister’s. Helping with a sick baby. She pulled out the phone again, called.

‘Hi babes, I’m walking home. Anything we need from the shops?’

It was almost as if life was normal again. Almost. Melanie shuddered and walked faster, into the bleak path ahead.