Megara: The Mechanism of Madness

On the Mechanism

Cebes and Atlas are enjoying themselves at their favorite coffee shop after a prodigious session of alcohol consumption. They are coming down from their drunken state but Altas is in a cheerful mood for more, while Cebes is in a melancholy mood questioning his thoughts and emotional state.

ATLAS: Yo Cebes! What do you think of that girl?

Delusions brother. Delusions. Mmm, this is some good coffee. Burns my throat just how I like it.

ATLAS: Stop moaning over your coffee already. It’s weird when you show such masochistic qualities when I’m aware that you’re the opposite… Anyway, what do delusions have to do with a cute girl?

Everything… Delusions have everything to do with women in general.

ATLAS: Care to elaborate.

Sure. You ask what I think of that girl. When I think of her I bear witness to delusional thoughts in my head about being with her.

ATLAS: So you like her?

I can’t say. She’s attractive, but a mystery to my consciousness. I know nothing of her. All I know is that I like how she looks. But whether I’ll like her or not as a person, I do not know.

ATLAS: Then go talk to her and find out for yourself.

No.

Altas furrows his brows shooting a questioning look towards Cebes.

ATLAS: Why not?

Because my mind is clouded with delusional thoughts. Since the quality of my thought is of delusions, I find myself not in a state to converse with someone in reality if I am having fantasies about them in my head. It’s... kind of weird.

ATLAS: Can’t these delusional thoughts sharpen your quality of thought?

It can.

ATLAS: Then go talk to her already!

No…

ATLAS: Why not!?

I feel drunk... and nauseous at the thought of having to go talk with her.

Atlas sits back puzzled by the reply.

ATLAS: Did they sneak in tequila in your coffee or something?

Cebes pauses looking down at the table. Atlas gives him the same puzzling look but with his brows furrowed now waiting impatiencetly for a reply. Cebes sighs a breath before speaking.

No. I just feel that I first need to take some time and use the current delusional thoughts circulating in my head to sharpen the quality of my thought.

ATLAS: Can’t you just do that while talking with her now?

No. First and foremost, the most important thing I can do right now is to be honest with myself.

ATLAS: Okay buddy… what does honesty have anything to do with talking to a girl?

To talk with her now means that I am interested in her. The truth of the matter is that I am not interested in her. I am more interested on these delusional thoughts that cloud my consciousness.

ATLAS: … hm?

So to be honest with myself in this very moment means that: I place my attention where I am interested and not from where it’ll distract me from my interest. Also, honesty has EVERYTHING to do with a woman! So does integrity.

ATLAS: Are you seriously telling me that you would rather think about the thoughts this girl causes you to imagine, then to actually go and talk to her for real?

Yes.

Atlas throws his hands in the arm getting a little rowdy.

ATLAS: Aren’t you a man? Grow a pair and go talk to her damn it!

Listen brother. I am aware within myself that I want nothing to do with her. I refuse to give my energy to something or someone that does not interest me.

ATLAS: So you’re not even willing to talk with her for fun?

I don’t find it very “fun” to receive somebody else’s time when I am not willing to give my energy to them. I admit that she is beautiful. I am also willing to bet that there is a line of guys fantasizing to be with her. I do not care to be another one of them. She has enough on her plate as is.

Atlas looks at him wide eyed in disbelief.

ATLAS: Bro… are you serious, right now? Did your parents castrate you as a child? Just go and talk to her already! Stop being logical about it. Grow a pair and do as you wrote in your book of Socrates and live courageously. Sheesh!

Cebes' breath halts with eyes caught in conflict peering towards Atlas.

You son of a… fine. I can’t refute that one. Similar to Phaedrus forcing Socrates to give a speech under that plain tree, you’ve got me in a similar checkmate. But just so you know, I’m only going because I ran out of coffee beans and need to buy a fresh bag. I still don’t find this whole thing of talking with her to be all that necessary.

Cebes gets up and heads to where he can order. Atlas gives a mischief smile as Cebes walks away.

ATLAS: Whatever delusion you want to tell yourself at this point. I don’t care. Now go make me proud!

Sheesh! I don’t see what’s the big deal but, whatever. I need coffee beans anyway.

MEGARA: What can I get you?

I would like to purchase these coffee beans, please.

MEGARA: Sure. Let me run it up.

Thank you. Also, is your hair naturally wavy as how you have it now?

MEGARA: Yes! Is something wrong with it?

No. It’s just that I’ve always thought it looked delightful.

She smiles and looks straight into Cebes' eyes.

MEGARA: Oh! Thank you.

No, thank you... for the coffee.

MEGARA: ???

Bye-bye now.

MEGARA: …

Cebes heads back nonchalantly to his seat with Atlas.

ATLAS: How did it go?

I am happy. I got the new edition of DANK coffee beans. Can’t wait to try it as a pour over!

ATLAS: No you hollowed out walnut! How did it go with the girl?

Oh, umm. I told her that I always found her natural hair delightful. She thanked me. I thanked her and walked away happy with my coffee.

ATLAS: …

What?

ATLAS: You’re hopeless, that’s what!

On Types of Delusions

Well, that didn’t go well. To think Atlas would say that I am hopeless and be absolutely right about it… haunts me to admit. Sadly I can’t disagree that he tried to get me out of my shell as I kept finding any logical excuse to not talk to an attractive woman.

He nailed me by using Socrates as an example of having to be courageous towards the unknown. I suppose he did read my book. How ironic he used that knowledge against me. But nonetheless, I can’t change from one day to the next. I need time to myself to integrate the experience of today.

Perhaps reconnecting with Dali will help sober me from these delusions about being with a woman I know nothing about. Oh, there he is. Oh my… he looks to have gained some muscle. Reminds me of Socrates when he served as a hoplite in the Athenian army.

DALI: Hey Cebes.

Howdy Dali. How are you?

DALI: Doing well. Yourself?

Currently feeling a bit hopeless in the woman’s department.

DALI: You looking?

Not exactly. I was hanging out with Atlas earlier today and he made a good point about me having to find the courage to seek and make connections with others. He tried to encourage me to talk to a girl I know nothing about.

DALI: How did that go?

The only thing I got from it was delusions. I feel sick in the head, brother.

DALI: How do you mean?

When I talked with her, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else apart from how delightful I found the black silk of her hair. Her intoxicating beauty then made me imagine her as a glowy fairy as the darkness of her clothes complimented a gothic vibe. I was smitten within milliseconds and by the completion of that second, blood was pumping up to my head.

DALI: Hmm. That's a strange combination of words.

Cebes ignoring Dali's comment continues to preach.

Almost as if enchanted at first glance. I can’t get rid of that girl’s beautiful smiling face out of my head. Very fufu... I can’t control these thoughts, much less how I feel about them.

DALI: What are the thoughts?

Here, I’ll categorize them for you. There are four stages to these delusional thoughts.

The first stage is when the thought is suggestive [1] and initiates the whole ordeal. It humors the possibility of an opportunity to be with a person of interest. The stage that follows is of thoughts that are romantic in nature [2] and imagine ideas of what would be said or be done with a person of interest. These minor delusions give rise to dopamine in the brain and spark an interest to pursue a person of interest.

Now the third and fourth stages are delusional thoughts that are complete fabrications and are fantasy in essence. Thoughts of fantasy [3] imagine a scenario of how a person of interest could potentially respond to future interactions. None of these thoughts are real and all are fabricated from imagination. Dopamine in the brain continues to be released throughout this stage.

The final stage is when minor delusions do not subside and a state of obsession [4] has engulfed the individual. This is when romantic thoughts and thoughts of fantasy combine. The initial suggestive factor of what-if, with the persuasive factor of how, create an ongoing desire to manifest an interaction with a person of interest. These thought-forms coming together in frequency—due to a desire to pursue—are then the concluding factor that confirms that a person of interest has now become the desired pursuit.

DALI: Desired pursuit?

Yes! That which we desire, we pursue: the desired pursuit. A person of interest doesn’t always conclude being the desired pursuit. One can find interest in many people. A desired pursuit is confirmed when the romanticized ideas and thoughts of fantasy appear obsessively over a specific person of interest.

DALI: It sounds like you’re conflicted whether to like someone or not.

Honestly, I am... It makes me remember of how the urge to smoke cigarettes felt. Impulsively waiting for the next occasion to come for me to smoke. I now impulsively crave the moment I see her again like an addict. If this be love, insane I will become. This is madness brother! That’s how I define this.

DALI: Explain yourself. How is this madness?

Because this is madness! I know nothing about this girl and yet, I can’t help but to think about her? This is bull! I demand a refund…

DALI: Haha. You’re stupid.

Nah, brother. If I knew that looking into a girl’s eyes was going to make me experience madness, I would have rather taken a tequila shot.

DALI: I doubt it but whatever you say. We can speculate that she took the compliment well.

What induction did you use to conclude that?

DALI: Think about it. She was so delighted by your compliment, that you saw that delight in her eyes. Quite beautiful. Don’t you think?

The consequences of that beautiful delight haven’t been the least bit beautiful... They’ve been a torture of my mental state. My induction says this is toxic.

DALI: True. I suppose we can say that everything comes at a price. And the price of what you did resulted with those thoughts.

So basically, because I took the initiative to compliment a girl, the consequences are delusional thoughts that are driving me mad about being with her.

DALI: It would appear so.

I wonder if this is a lesson from God teaching me to stay away from women…

DALI: … I don't know.

Anyway, how are you in the girl’s department?

DALI: There’s a girl I can relate to yours where I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by her beauty. She could be messy without make up, wear slacks and still her beauty would shine a pleasant sparkle to my existence.

A pleasant sparkle?

DALI: Yes. A sparkle that made me enjoy every moment I spent with her.

Golly! I would love to experience that. Who is she? To make you feel as you did.

DALI: You know her.

Really?

DALI: Megara, from Menos Mal café. Don’t you still go there?

Cebes said nothing as his butthole squeezed tight from finding out Megara is Dali’s ex. Later that night he sits down and writes in his journal about the inner turmoil that has concocted within him.

On Rational Mind vs Imaginative (12/21/24)

A predicament I have no control over has engulfed my psyche into madness. This has led me to observe my emotions and the thoughts tied to those emotions. Before I would say: we cannot control our emotions nor choose when to have them, we can only control our reactions to those emotions. To my displeasure I find this statement to be incomplete. I now say: we cannot control our emotions nor the thoughts tied to them, all we can do is bear witness to them. Thus, we can control our actions to the emotions and thoughts tied to those emotions, but we cannot control the thoughts and emotions themselves. We can only observe them and learn a lesson from the choices we make as a consequence to them.

The single most important thing we can do when we find ourselves in any predicament that deals with us being in a constant mental battle within ourselves, is to observe the thoughts and emotions that arise from that predicament. Do not avoid what you feel and also do not deny that you are feeling it. To bear witness to our thoughts and emotions, is to bear witness to the truth of what guidance our soul is whispering to us. Guidance towards the truth that manifests as a warmth at the heart when we are confident about our thoughts, words, and actions.

Even for those that do not humor the belief of having a soul, nonetheless cannot deny that these thoughts and emotions do in fact derive from somewhere. They frustrate and cause us to regret when we are rational in mind. Yet when we are engulfed by them with emotions and a desired pursuit, we turn shameless as we then regret no more that which we logically rejected. Under this “mechanism of madness” anything we reject logically, emotionally we embrace. I suppose that is what Lysias’ meant on the first point of his argument in the Phaedrus by Plato, when his speech of rhetoric implied that “a lover who has fallen to insanity” (p.95) is not a better choice than an individual who is impartial—and not in love.

Karen Horney would call this a neurotic conflict. Horney explains that a neurotic conflict is present when the three major neurotic trends are in opposition. I use her theory of the three neurotic trends as a base to explain the madness for my experience—as an emotional psychological struggle between opposing neurotic trends. In Horney’s theory when two neurotic trends are in opposition, this is a form of coping mechanism for anxiety. In my experience though, it is a coping mechanism to deny my reality.

In my experience I place my focus on the inner conflicts I witness between the rational mind and the imaginative mind. The “madness” of my experience can then be depicted by a dance between detachment of rational thoughts to reality, compliance of imaginative delusional thoughts, and aggression against rational thoughts that contradict the delusion. Madness is then defined as a self-imposed state of obsession, where the coping mechanism for anxiety, becomes a coping mechanism for the denial of reality. Thus, artificial happiness is gained through delusion.

The rational mind receives thoughts of structure and organization. It can be summed up to a “to-do list” of ideas. Thoughts of this kind structures and organizes what we do moment to moment. It is realistic, logical and contemplative in nature. Rational thoughts are the thoughts we intentionally manifest. Similar to when we have to wake up and get ready for our day, we manifest the rational thoughts of the steps we require to take in order to start our day and get ready for it. These same rational thoughts reflect our moral compass and dictate the quality of integrity in our actions.

The imaginative mind receives thoughts sporadically even without our intent. I theory that these thoughts are a scintilla of what lays dormant in our subconscious mind. The thoughts are emotional and chaotic in nature and tend to be mere fabrications of the mind, until proven true. They manifest without consent and may assume unconfirmed knowledge on a situation or person. Knowledge of what is assumed is unconfirmed, but that does not stop oneself from imagining the possibilities of the unknown. There is an emotional attachment. A sort of hope for something.

The question: what are these thoughts that through imagination assume the potentials towards a future possibility that is unknown? The answer: The thoughts themselves can be seen as fantasies or romanticized ideas, that are fictional in nature and as a factor delusional in essence as well. Thus, these thoughts are not a reality and are not real. They are mere thought forms of hope for a potential reality.

Once thoughts of delusional essence are in the head, inner conflict is sparked between the neurotic trends of rational and imaginative minds. The mechanism of madness has been activated by some fufu and suddenly… one falls in love.

Extra: On Frantic Cebes

Feels similar to when I smoked cigarettes. And I’m doing my best to not allow it to go beyond flirting. And on the other hand I want to predict when is the next time I’ll see her.

DALI: Why don’t you want it to go beyond flirting?

Because if I start imagining kissing her, I don’t want to experience the amount of dopamine that will be released in my brain as a consequence.

DALI: Don’t you think perhaps you’re in a state of denial?

… Reminds me of middle school when I wanted to have a gothic girlfriend.

DALI: You’re all over the place, brother. Get your head on straight before answering the question.