Maya's Minion

“He’s cheating on you.”

“Maya!” My adorable little minion had the audacity to sound surprised “No, seriously, Maya! Why would you say that?”

I rolled my eyes and continued to clean myself. “It’s true, Zara. Why else would I say it.” I gave her a look. I know what she wanted. Meat. Juice. Details. Still, I enjoyed making her squirm as much as popping her bubble of delusion. Eartha, my BFB49 – best feline bitch for nine lives, made a snide comment and I laughed out loud.

“Hey! What did she say? Y’all know I hate when you do that shit!” Zara pouted and flopped back on the bed I let her sleep on. Cute.

“Eartha doesn’t care. We know this. Soooooooooooooo, let’s get down to business.”

A handsome Siamese poked his head inside the door, “To defeat, dun dun, the Huns!”

“Shut up, Kevin!” Maya and I chorused. Eartha ignored him as usual. Like speaking human, most things were beneath her.

I extended my sharp little claws. Pretty. “What’s your best offer?”

Zara groaned, rolling around dramatically as if she didn’t know how these things worked. It had been about a year since I decided to start talking to my little minion in her own language. She was a good human. A beautiful, talented, successful, thirty-something woman who was sincere, kind, and generous. Problem was, she didn’t demand her due from others. And it irked me to see my minion get her heart ripped to shreds every six months by a wanker who wasn’t fit to lick my litter box. So, I figured I’d just tell her before she could get emotionally invested, therefore reducing time wasted and fake orgasms. Honestly, it had gotten so bad that Eartha had threatened to run away and find a more worthy human to adopt.

But I, I saw the potential in Zara. It was more than her cocoa butter skin, big fluffy mane, and loving smile. Even more than her soft back hump and front squishies perfect for nap time cuddles. Her culinary skills and luxurious tastes were high on the list, but more than anything she understood and respected the divinity of the feline. It was in her even though she sometimes seemed unaware. I just knew with a little coaching my minion could be that bitch in all aspects, including love. Aaaannnd I wanted some mini minions to play with and pass down to my kittens. Kevin was my tom and future sire of said kittens, so he went with whatever I wanted like a good boy.

Zara tried to hold out. She didn’t answer me and began to clean up to distract herself from the curiosity she couldn’t help secreting. I didn’t stop her. It was a positive coping mechanism if you asked me. Once our three-bedroom, three-bath condo was sparkling clean and the delicious scent of a Bakhoor incense blessed the air, she came to find me batting her big, pretty brown eyes.

“Wild-caught salmon for dinner. I’ll cook it just the way you like,” she smiled and winked like she was doing something. Unfortunately for this bit of intel, it was not quite enough.

“No deal.” I was a professional and my rates were not cheap. What can I say? I have expensive tastes.

“Maya, come on! You love salmon! You all do!” She crossed her arms and huffed, looking to Eartha and Kevin for help.

“Don’t look at them. Look at me.” She knew I was in charge here. “You can do better than salmon, Zara.”

“You got a lot of mouth for a damn…”

I cut her off before she could ruin it, “Zara, don’t play with me.”

She stood and threw up her arms, “Fine! I swear if I didn’t think y’all could plot my murder…”

“Wagyu.” I interrupted her before she could start one of her 'scary talking cat' tangents. “Dubois down the street said his humans bought some beautifully marbled cuts from Whole Foods yesterday for their anniversary. If you leave now…”

Zara narrowed her eyes. I blinked back at her.

“Eartha says if you also make that catnip ice cream with the valerian root drizzle again, she’ll make sure you meet the new guy in 3B.” Eartha looked at me, but I ignored her. Take the bait minion.

She worried her bottom lip, “I’m still low-key traumatized from last time, Maya, I effing swear.” Eh, couldn’t blame her. Kevin and I had gotten a little frisky and Eartha’s demon had come all the way out. Fun times.

I purred, “We’ll be good.” Not.

“Wagyu, fine… that ice cream, though…” she hesitated and I could see the glorious memories playing behind her eyes.

“Kevin.” I didn’t break eye contact with Zara. It was time for the kill.

Kevin sauntered up, “I have confirmed that the guy in 3B has extensive knowledge of various forms of female orgasm, practices yoga daily, makes over six-figures, and is finally ready for something serious. We also have evidence that he saw you see him three days ago and he smelled interested.” Bang. Bang.

“Deal!” My minion was such a smart girl.

“Zara, go put on the sun dress I pulled down in the laundry room. You have five minutes. Kevin, call Faiyez, it’s show time.” Eartha and I touched tails and made our way to the living room for the show.

Six minutes later, the doorbell rang, and Zara rushed in looking effortlessly sexy. “Um, whose cat is that?” We all looked at Faiyez snuggling next to Eartha and said nothing.

“Whatever,” she sighed. “Hello? Who is it?” Zara opened the door and gasped.

The man’s naked muscular chest and abs were heaving and sweaty just like my minion liked it. “Hi, I’m Michael. I just moved into 3B, and I think my cat might be in your house,” he laughed nervously.

Zara looked at me and winked. I scoffed. I always deliver, honey. And I always get what I want. Bad bitch shit. Periodt.