Mari & Gold

Mari &Gold: The conversation

She was the the one he loved she was all he wanted he told me he had all that before (love) & it was taken away, something he’d never get back. It’s so ironic that hurt people, hurt people. I don’t even think he knows his words struck a nerve in me. I let him vent, decompress my own feelings hoping that he would see that love has come again for him, it has come in the form of me. But he’s so broken, he’s so hurt he can’t see me because the one his heart longs for was tragically killed. Shot, by a stray bullet right in front of him, her last words to him being “I love you”. Damn. I couldn’t fathom that type of loss and pain. He told me how much she loves him & how he would always play games with her. At that slight moment I could only think, hmm, probably the same way he treats me having multiple women but telling me he loves me and wants to be with me , the inconsistency, & dishonesty. I thought how maybe she couldn’t get away, stuck in a toxic love, that is thoroughly exciting and invigorating but bad for you the type that makes you crazy. Head over heels in love, the drug.

In spite, the conversation continues he looks at me tears in his eyes as we sit on the edge of his bed and says “We made plans, to get married. Move out of this city of turmoil, to the country & have children, a few animals a farm the whole 9 yards.” “Do you know what it feels like to have your entire life planned with someone? To have it snatched away from you in a matter of seconds?” I stayed quite. “I’ve done all that” he said “so let’s just not.” He proceeded to ask “How many people have you made plans with that you don’t talk to anymore?” A rhetorical question I thought for sure but he wanted an answer , something I couldn’t give him. A natural debater I wanted to find a disposition in his argument. I couldn’t do that either. I told him that I loved him very much & would do anything for him. I said “I am so sorry this happened to both of you.” He said “but you can’t bring back Gold.”

First and foremost, Gold loved him despite his negative accolades, he explained. She loved animals as well and was very prissy according to Mari’s description of her. They’d have so much fun people would mistake them for siblings while out he told me while reminiscing on their good times. I realized in that moment why he doesn’t want to go out and do things with me it hurts me but I can’t help but understand because I love him. One day Gold gifted Mari with a silver plated bracelet, with the words “My King”engraved into it. He told me how happy she was to give it to him and that she had the other matching bracelet that was embedded with marigolds engraved with the words “My Queen”. I look down at his left wrist where the bracelet lies, twinkling and mocking me in disguise. He never takes it off. I am simply a commentator of their love. I get to experience the after math of, No one will ever take your place. I didn’t even know this love existed until I fell in love with him. A day in which I wish I could take back. The same way he wishes he could go back & save Gold that day.

As a result, I am in love with Mari who is in love with Gold. Mari tells me that he cannot be in a relationship with me, he is already in one with Gold. He says “ Imagine how she feels.” In that moment I fill up with sadness & rage. “Our souls forever binding” he continues. As the tears I try so hard to hold back pummel down my cheeks like waterfalls over a cliff, Mari says “Gold is not here but we will be together again, we are together. In fact she’s always here.” Mari smiles lightly as he dusts off her pictures & places fresh marigolds on her altar. Mari looks at me with pity, places his hand on my shoulder and says “ Things won’t always be like this.” But in his eyes I can tell when he lies like he has so many times. He wants to give me hope, the spiritual world is so powerful though. Mari has a grip on Gold & Gold has a grip on Mari neither of them willing to let go. Each of them stuck in limbo. And even I know. So do I stay or do I go?