Luck On The Razor's Edge

The day I saw Victoria Yager, my heart seized in my chest. I didn’t breathe as the rest of the world faded into fuzzy, unrecognizable blobs. She must have felt the weight of my stare because her angelic face swept the crowd. Her polished sapphire eyes lingered over mine for an instant. Instant shock pierced through my soul before her uninterested gaze returned to their original position. My fate was sealed that instant—I had to meet her.

I could tell she was from high society and would never talk to someone like me; someone raised on the rough streets of England. I didn’t care that we came from opposite sides of the coin, fate told me we were meant to meet, all I needed was a plan.

She and a matronly figure strolled the street, admiring shop windows. Their unhurried pace made it easier for me to get ahead of them. Papers in hand I pretended to sell them. “Beautiful day Miss,” I said, tipping my hat to her. When her enchanting face turned my way, time ground to a standstill. Up close her eyes were even more haunting. They were as deep as a blue-skyed, endless, summer day. The thick lashes blinked in slow motion, like the wave of a lazy butterfly. Her lips turned in a crooked smile that threatened to strike me mute. I had to fight to speak again because my throat was clogged, as if the hangman’s noose was tightening. The matron sneered and hurried her away, but shifted my feet into gear. Urged on by courage honed in the streets I said, “Fancy a paper, Miss? It’s on the house.”

A ghost of a smile curled at the corners of her mouth, she gave a slight shake of her head.

“I’m sure a delicate flower as stunning and intelligent as yourself is aware of worldly events, but this one is on the house,” I stuck the paper into her hands.

The matron glared at me. Nostrils flared from a crooked beak of a nose that resembled a hawk. Her dark, beady eyes flashed with a fire of impertinence that threatened to set me on flames. “We don’t need papers from a mangy street urchin. Move along,” she screeched. This cemented my opinion that she was more animal than human.

I bit back a retort that could have curled her hair and kept my eyes locked on the porcelain skinned goddess in front of me. A slight shift in her eyes told me she disliked the matron speaking for her. I pushed a tiny bit more. “For you, Miss. A thank you for gracing this ruddy churl with your angelic presence and brightening my day.”

With a mischievous grin, she accepted the paper.

“Turn to the inner pages for real insight,” I whispered as the hawkish matron hurried her along.

“Come along Victoria. Before the stink of gutters start clinging to us.”

As the pair walked away, I saw Victoria open the paper. She stopped when she noticed the rose I left for her. Gracefully she lifted it to her nose while the matron glared with hatred. Victoria turned her head to grace me with a smile that buckled my knees. With that simple smile, she spirited my heart away.

Every waking moment after, I spent searching for her. The week before I saw her again was a lifetime in purgatory. It felt like such a long time since I saw her, I began to think I had imagined the entire encounter. How could I have made up the way my heart fluttered when she flashed that coquettish smile? I knew there was no way the best imagination in the world could conjure up the faint perfume that tickled my nose when I offered her the paper. She had to be real. I couldn’t picture a world where Victoria didn’t exist.

My fears were finally allayed when I spotted her shape exiting a carriage. I felt myself drawn toward her by Invisible currents as she floated down the small steps. The rest of the world no longer mattered to me, I needed to speak to her again. The spell broke when a rude hand yanked me back so hard my neck popped in several places. Before I had time to protest, another horse drawn cart charged past, out of control.

A constable held me by the scruff of my jacket. His disapproving face peered down at mine. The thick, bristling mustache quivered as his lips moved in terse patterns. I knew he was speaking, but my ears continued to ring from the sight of Victoria, and my mind clamored to escape his grasp before she disappeared. I continued to fight like a fish on the line. His face pinched and his eyes didn’t disguise the hatred oozing from them. “Watch where you’re going next time or you’ll be nothing more than a grease stain,” he growled as his iron grip set me free. I offered a quick, mock salute and ran after Victoria.

Again luck shone its warm, radiating light upon me because I was able to catch up with her. She and the hawk-billed matron stepped out of a shop when I tipped my hat toward Victoria. “Fancy meeting you here, milady. Fate has been kind enough to grace me with your stunning beauty a second time,” I said.

She fluttered long, thick lashes at me as a gentle hue of pink rose to her cheeks. “How goes the paper selling business, Mr…?”

“Fonseca,” I offer. “Michael.”

“I knew I smelled the sewers,” Matron Hawk sniffed with an air of utter dislike. “Begone beggar or I shall call the constable to have you removed from my sight.”

I bit my tongue to prevent the automatic retort from coming through.

Victoria said, “Oh, Mother. He seems harmless. I find him quite charming.”

“Disgusting is the word I’d use,” the Hawk nearly spat. She pulled out a lacy fan and acted if something assaulted her flared nostrils. “Just look at the dirt caked under those nails. I bet he hasn’t had a bath in…ever from the smell of him.” She grabbed Victoria’s hand. “We don’t associate with street urchins. You would be better served aligning yourself with Sir Charles. He’s a charming young man.” Her already severe face grew even more hawk-like as her eyes pierced me with absolute hatred. “He’s a proper gentleman.”

She forcibly tugged Victoria away, nearly causing her to trip over her long, silk dress. Victoria clearly didn’t want to go, but she couldn’t fight her mother. When people started to notice the scene, Matron Hawk started screeching. “Help! Police! This miscreant tried to steal my purse.”

I gritted my teeth and backed away as people started to gather around. If I wasn’t careful, I could end up in a cell. Police always took the word of high class women over street urchins like myself.

I kept my eyes on Victoria as I backed away from the menacing glares. Over her shoulder she sent her best apologetic smile, and a slight nod of the head as something small and white fell from her hand. “It was quite the misunderstanding,” I muttered, then ducked away to pick up the piece of paper before someone else noticed it.

Far away from the scene I unfolded the pristine white paper. Her scrawling, beautiful script greeted me. Come to the garden on 1423 Lancaster Street tonight at 7pm.

When I read those words the entire world vanished around me. I was the only person remaining in the world. All sound was extinguished. The only two things left on the whole planet were me and Victoria’s note. Her sweet, flowery, fragrance sliced through the fetid odor of the city. The more I inhaled the heavenly scent the more I picked up a trace of the earthy ink along with rose flowers and lemon.

The garden along Lancaster street had a thick hedgerow I could hide myself in, if it weren’t for all the “elites” clogging the walk with their starched waistcoats, expensive dresses, and stiff hats. Though I tried to look as inconspicuous as possible, I stuck out like a thistle among lilies.

The church bell pealed seven times, but Victoria had yet to appear. I waited rather impatiently. Time is a funny thing with a twisted sense of humor. The more you long for something, the slower time ticks away.

It wasn’t enough for time to torture me, my mind decided to join in as well. Though I tried to pay no heed, my imagination suggested that Victoria was only teasing me. She wouldn’t come out at all. Instead she might send the Matron out, or have a constable arrest me for trespassing. When I had made the decision to give this up as a fool’s errand, an angelic figure stepped from the shadows. Her delicate head swiveled left, then right, as if checking for hidden threats. A nearly inaudible sigh escaped her lips. The sound nearly broke my quivering heart. Her head drooped downward, then she seated herself on the lone bench near the fountain and lifted her gaze to the dark sky.

Though part of me wanted to make her wait as punishment for the the tortures she beset upon me, the longer I waited, the more my soul ached. “Consequences be damned,” I told myself.

When I pushed myself through the hedges, her smile brightened the entire garden. The warmth that emanated washed away any ill feelings. “Good evening, Mr. Fonseca.”

She sounded happy, could I pretend the source of her happiness was because of me?

In an awkward attempt to be charming I said, “Not even the most delectable of flowers could ever compare to the beauty that shines before me now. Good evening, Miss Victoria.” I attempted a gentlemanly bow, but I must have performed rather poorly as she let out a short giggle. Even her laugh was sweeter than the tinkling of crystal bells.

“Please accept my apology for being late. Mother seems incapable of letting me out of her sight. I had to feign illness to get away from her.”

“I’m sure she’s afraid heaven will want their angel back,” I said. I felt rather proud of myself for such a compliment. Victoria must have thought it nice as well. Even in the cool moonlight I saw her cheeks flush red.

“Mr. Fonseca, you’re such a charmer.”

As we talked I noticed her lithe, carefree tone grew increasingly somber. I feared she must be tiring of my presence. “Does something pain you?” I asked with a lump of fear lodged in my throat.

She nodded. “My mother and I are bound for America in a few day’s time. We are to board the Titanic, and I’m not sure when we shall return.”

I felt like I had been physically punched in the gut. Words escaped me.

“Now I find myself at odds. I do want to see America, but I have truly enjoyed meeting you,” her head bowed, but not before I noticed the color rise in her cheeks.

I heard myself say, “I’ll come with you.” Though I had no idea how I would afford a ticket aboard the latest human marvel. Even the lowest class tickets would cost me at least a year’s wages.

Her head lifted, watery eyes were sparkling with excitement, she opened her mouth, but before she spoke, we heard a voice we were secretly dreading.

“Victoria? Are you out here?”

It was her mother. Without thinking, I jumped behind a thick flowering bush.

“What are you doing out here in the damp night air? You’ll catch a fever.” She said with a severe tone.

“I needed some fresh air, Mother.” Victoria said, as she tried to lead her back toward the huge house. “My room is dreadfully stuffy.”

“I heard voices,” the Hawk said. “I swear, Victoria Yager. If you were talking to that disgusting boy, I’ll have you shipped off to a convent. Mark my words.”

She stepped toward the bush. I’m not sure if hawks can smell their prey, but I heard the sharp intake of breath through flared nostrils. She was trying to sniff me out. If the moon had been full, she would have seen me. Luckily my drab brown clothes helped me blend into the shadows.

“I was talking to myself, Mother. There’s no one out here.”

“Don’t lie to me child. I distinctly heard two voices, and I’ll—”

Her words were choked off by a scream a banshee would be proud of.

While I was crouched behind the bush, attempting to be as still as a stone, I saw a fat toad giving me the evil eye. Apparently he was deeply incensed that I disturbed his nightly hunting grounds. I grabbed him, then I tossed his rotund bulk toward Victoria’s mother. I didn’t aim my throw but when that fat toad landed on her shoe, she screeched so loud she could have woken Scotland. Screaming about warts, she bolted toward the house.

Victoria had her hands across her mouth, unsuccessfully attempting to stifle a raucous bout of laughter. Her eyes flashed a mischievous light. Between breaths she said, “I have to check on Mother, to make sure she doesn’t faint.”

“Can I see you again?” I called after her.

Victoria turned, somberly she said, “I’m going to see you on the ship aren’t I? You can get a ticket can’t you?”

“Sure. No problem,” I laughed. Again, I spoke before thinking.

Before I could correct myself, she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. “See you soon, Michael Fonseca,” she whispered.

My face blazed where her tender lips caressed my cheek and I knew that even if I had to sell my soul, I would be on the Titanic with Victoria.

I may not have sold my soul, but some of the things I did to get aboard the Titanic won’t gain me favor in heaven. None of that matters anymore, seeing Victoria again is my raison d’ȇtre.

Curse this seasickness! I battled with lethargy, vomited at the slightest dip and swell, and was such a fright that crewmen threatened to quarantine me for the remainder of the trip. I refused to face such a cruel fate so I hid away the best I could.

When the illness retracted its plagued claws from me, I emerged from my hiding hole like a feral animal awakening from hibernation. Instead of hunger driving me, it was a need to see her again.

First class, where Victoria surely was residing, had security as tight as Buckingham Palace. I was plotting my way in when I heard a melodic laugh behind me. The lilting sound was salve to my bleeding, aching heart. I whirled around and was caught in her healing embrace.

“I thought you didn’t come.” She let go of me to compose herself amid a gallery of disapproving glances. She smoothed her dress and cleared her throat, “You had me worried, Mr. Fonseca.”

“A thousand apologies, Miss. I was unfortunately detained by a horrific sea monster.”

Victoria laughed and slid her hand into the crook of my elbow as we walked along the outer deck. The sights are astounding. I never knew nature could be so peaceful, serene, so breathtakingly gorgeous. Southampton has been my home all my short life. Dirty streets, putrid gutters, and dangerous, grimy jobs are all I’ve known. The closest I have come to Mother Nature was avoiding the oversized rats that have invaded every corner of city alleys.

Now, everywhere I look is pristine visages of nature untouched by human hands. Water as pure, clean, and blue as Victoria’s eyes. Unfamiliar birds float overhead on invisible pockets of air, while wondrous sea creatures swim the cold, dark depths. Everywhere I look is unblemished, natural beauty, but everything is drab gray compared to the picturesque artistry of Victoria.

“Where is your mother?” I heard myself asking. I secretly hoped she had fallen into the deep.

“Would you believe she has a severe case of seasickness? She blames the toad that jumped onto her foot.”

I feigned ignorance. “Do tell me about this dastardly toad that goes about instilling seasickness upon hapless matrons.”

“I believe it’s more fear than actual illness,” Victoria said with a sigh.

“What is she afraid of? Surely there are rats aboard this ship, but certainly no toads.”

“Mother fears we will sink. She heard a man brag that not even God himself could sink the Titanic. Now all she talks about is blasphemy and God’s righteous wrath.”

“Why would a loving God kill so many people simply to prove a point?”

“Let’s not dwell on such depressing subjects,” Victoria said.

We continued to talk about happier tidings while gawking at dark shapes under the placid waves until the chill temperatures forced us to find warmer quarters.

I had no concept of time and didn’t realize the day had turned to night until she remarked, “I should hurry back to mother. I’m sure she’s already incensed at my all day absence.”

“If she’s already angry, what does a few more days matter,” I joked. Normally I wouldn’t say anything so insensitive to such a delicate flower as Victoria, but her presence casts a spell upon me to be so bold.

“Meet me at the same place tomorrow morning,” she said with a flashing smile. Her sapphire eyes glittered with an intense flame that made my skin tingle with electricity.

Before she turned to leave, boldness once again pulled the strings. I took both her hands into mine, she looked at me, then planted another quick peck on my cheek before slipping out of my grasp.

Excitement buzzed inside like a disturbed beehive. Sleep wasn’t coming tonight. Besides, third class is a cesspit of disease, stagnant air, unwashed bodies and a single bathroom for hundreds of passengers. Down there, paying passengers are treated worse than plague victims.

As the night dragged on, excitement soon morphed into exhaustion. It was too cold to spend the night under the stars, so I found a quiet, comfortable corner in one of the common areas where I remained unnoticed.

Sleep draped its soothing blanket around me before I knew what happened. I awoke to judgmental stares and loud whispers cast behind silken gloves. “Must be a drunkard,” I heard one say.

“Shouldn’t his kind be down with the other riff-raff?”

“Disgraceful.”

“Pathetic.”

Anger bubbled inside me because of their self-righteous attitudes. How could they act so much better because they had better clothes, more money, and useless titles? Reigning in my bad mood, I stood up, dusted myself off and said with as much snootiness as I could muster, “Thank you ladies and gents for being my wakeup call. I’d tip you all but I left my wallet in my room. Good-day.”

The shocked looks I received helped to brighten my darkening mood. The thought of seeing Victoria again removed any trace of anger from my heart.

As I waited for her at the assigned spot, my attention was tuned into the sea as a whale breached the surface. A plume of mist erupted from its back when I lost my cap. I needed to catch it before it was swept overboard, but when I turned around I was met by depthless sapphire eyes and an impish smile.

“You shouldn’t be out in this cool weather without a hat my good sir. You could catch a fever.”

Each time my eyes behold her, my insides melt and it takes me a moment to realize she is actually talking to me. When I’m able to find my voice I say, “It’s lucky I have a guardian angel looking after me.”

Her cheeks light up with a pronounced rosy glow, and I wonder if she can produce the color at will. Her bright smile and the flash in her eyes told me this was no act and again I felt incredibly lucky. She handed the hat back. “Should I assume that your mother has not made a full recovery from her illness?” I want to know if I have to worry about her attempting to separate Victoria and me.

Victoria sighed, “She remains bedridden.”

“That’s good,” I said, then immediately cringed.

Victoria turned her eyes to me. I was unable to read her expression. I forced my mutinous mouth to issue an apology. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean–”

“You did mean it.” She cut me off, and looked at her shoes. “I don’t blame you.” She was silent for a long time. “She doesn’t want me talking to you. She thinks it’s not proper. Status is everything to my mother, but—”

“Let me save you the time.” I interrupted. “I’ll never fit into your society, I don’t belong and you have to stop talking to me.” I bowed to her as a solid lump formed in my throat and my veins turned to stone. “It was nice knowing you Victoria Yager, but I knew I could never be a part of your dream.”

I turned to leave, but she pinched the back of my arm. Hot pain jolted up to my shoulder, and when I turned around her lips locked onto mine. I was so confused I didn’t know what to do, so I kissed her back.

“Don’t interrupt,” she admonished when she released her soft lips from mine. “I was saying…I think I’m falling in love, Michael.

I couldn’t be sure I heard her right. I froze in place, afraid to lose this moment and awaken from a dream. No, my mind says. This has got to be some mistake, how could she love someone like you?

Unable to bear the silence between us, she continued. “My heart quivers as if it has palsy, my breath escapes me, and the butterflies, Michael. They multiply every day. I can’t eat and I fear whenever I open my mouth they’re going to escape like a mass exodus. I can’t focus on anything else but these feelings. My mothers says I’m too young to truly feel this way, but I don’t care. I think if my love is not reciprocated I shall die of a broken heart.” She looked up at me. Her expression was haunting and I blinked rapidly because I barely recognized her. The color in her flawless skin was gone, her usually electric eyes were dulled, as if covered by a film. She looked at her feet for a moment. “Have you ever felt something so strong?”

I finally understand. She isn’t talking about me. There is someone else in her life that has claimed her heart and she is using me as a confessional. Maybe it was Sir Charles who had swooped her off her feet, it would make more sense. Unable to see her face when she shattered my heart into a million splinters I turned away. The ringing in my ears grew so loud it blocked out all other sounds.

Victoria grabbed me by the shoulders, turned me to face her. Her mouth moved but no words could penetrate the cacophony of bells inside my head. Her eyes pleaded, tears glistened, threatened to run forth, and my chest quivered in pain to see her in a state of despair.

“Did you hear me, Michael Fonseca?” She shook me. “I said I’m falling in love with you. Tell me you feel something for me too or I shall…” She didn’t finish the sentence.

Her words were like a cold slap to the face. “You were talking about me?”

She let out a small, uncertain laugh, “Who else could it possibly be?”

“Yes!”

Her thin brows creased.

“I feel the same. There’s no way I could say it as poetically as you, but yes I feel—”

Before I knew what was happening, her lips were on mine again. My entire body surrendered to her. When she stepped back from me my entire body felt like it was on fire. I kept my eyes closed, to keep the moment fresh. A soothing, warm, caressing heat enveloped me from head to toes, instead of an incinerating, destructive fire. My eyelids slowly peeled open. Her face was crimson, hiding behind crisp, white, lace gloves.

I reached up, took her delicate hands in mine and held them as I gazed into her eyes. Our hearts beat together as one, and we both knew, nothing else in the world mattered to us at that moment.

We know society will not agree with our love, especially her mother, who is liable to go into hysterics, but we’ll deal with that mountain when it comes. The rest of the day was spent talking of future plans when we get to America. Our lovestruck eyes only saw endless days of happiness and excess love. Little did we know, in only a few short hours our lives were going to be turned upside down.

In the early hours of the morning we felt more than we heard the first warnings. Victoria had checked on her mother, who was fast asleep. She then returned to me, where we sat in quiet solitude, holding hands and basking in each other’s presence. The boat shifted to one side, nearly dumping both of us out of the couch. It set off a bit of panic, but the crew assured us everything was fine. A short time later, absolute pandemonium broke loose.

The doomed ship listed hard as people screamed and scrambled toward lifeboats. I tried to get Victoria to one, but she wouldn’t leave without her mother. I had to push and fight our way through narrow corridors and panic stricken passengers until we came to their cabin. “Mother!” Victoria shouted as she jerked the door open to an empty room.

“She must have made it to a lifeboat. Come on, I’ll get you on one so you can be safe,” I said as I hurried her through the throng of terrified, screaming people.

It was absolute chaos at the lifeboats when passengers realized there were not enough for everyone. Someone shoved me aside, “Women and children first. You’re shit out of luck.”

“Then take her,” I said as I led Victoria through the throng. Without a word, he grabbed her arm and started pulling her toward the boat. She shook her head and yanked loose from his grip but the crowd of men continued to shove her into the lifeboat. I watched in disbelief as she climbed out and fought her way back to me.

“Are you crazy?” I shouted. “Get back on that boat now!”

“We go together, or I don’t go at all.” She set her jaw with fierce determination I’ve never seen before.

I grabbed her shoulders, “Victoria, there are not enough boats for everyone, you have to get on one, save yourself.”

“I’m not going without you.”

I tried a different tactic. “Listen to me, Victoria. You can make it, but you have to go now. Your mother is probably on a boat now, you have to go to her.” I knew I wasn’t going to make it out alive, but if I could save her, I’d die a happy man.

She wouldn’t listen, even when the ship groaned ominous warnings and began to tilt toward the sea. “It looks like we’re a modern day Romeo and Juliet.” Her face betrayed no fear, but there was an underlying careworn expression.

“I don’t know who they are,” I admitted.

“Let’s find some place quieter and I’ll tell you all about them.” she said.

We returned to her luxurious cabin. I couldn’t believe our calm in the midst of such a horrific calamity. I can only imagine we were both staying strong for the other. The door closed behind her and made an unmistakable sound. It was the tolling of Death’s bell. Victoria heard it too because her face suddenly blanched a pale white. The smooth skin of her throat moved up and down as she swallowed. I saw her hands shake.

“Maybe we can find one more boat so you can—” She put her fingers to my lips.

“This is where I belong. With you, Michael Fonseca. If I left on a lifeboat knowing you were destined to…” she swallowed. I heard her throat click. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I’m sorry I told you I was coming on this ship.”

My mouth was so dry my tongue felt like it was coated in sawdust. I felt numb, cheated by life, angry, sad, in love. I reminded myself to enjoy the few moments we still had. “No. You have brought light to a dark, miserable life. I will eternally be grateful for the love you've shown me. I will gladly go to the afterlife knowing you and I have an eternity to get to know and love each other.” I took her into my arms where we both stood trembling. I felt a resounding peace, even as the world outside descended into darkness and chaos.

Victoria extracted herself from my arms, turned to an ornate, solid wood chest, rooted around for a moment. I watched with rapt curiosity. What could be so important inside there I wondered. She extracted an amber colored medicine bottle, and I immediately knew what was inside.

She took a large swig from the contents, made an awful face and forced the liquid down. Coughing, she handed the bottle to me; I followed suit.

“Now we can truly be like Shakespeare’s tragic lovers.”

We passed the bottle laudanum between us like a pair of old drinking buddies while Victoria recited the story of Romeo and Juliet to her rapt audience of one. Outside, the ocean began swallowing the fated ship, but peaceful bliss coaxed the tragic lovers into a deep, dark sleep.