Lovers and Friends

I was pouring myself another glass of wine, away from the crowd, when I noticed Jamie approach me. “Hey, I have to talk to you.”

“Sure. Everything alright?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. That’s why I want to talk to you. Not here though. I’d like for it to just be you and me, just for a minute.”

“Do you think Gabriel would be okay with that?”

“Sure, he knows we’re good friends.”

We left her engagement party and walked along the wooden fence in her back lawn as we used to on countless nights. There was a childlike air to her and I could not help but follow along.

“Let’s go in your old barn, like when we were kids.”

“Now you’re really pushing it. If I was your husband-to-be, I wouldn’t be too crazy about my fiancée being alone with her childhood friend under any roof. You never know what that kind of intimacy could stir up.”

“Oh stop it. He trusts you. And don’t think anything of the sort could happen, mister.”

“Even then, that old thing is barely standing. It can come down by itself any minute.”

“Come on now, I’m sure it can hold up for a little while longer. I haven’t been in there for so long. It would bring back so many memories. Good memories.”

I was about six when Jamie’s family moved into the house closest to mine. With her being a few months older and I being the only child of older parents, our friendship was predestined. As a child, I did not know I was lonely before she came. When I saw her for the first time, of course I noticed her pretty eyes and the fact that she was a girl. But mostly I just saw a potential friend, with long hair.

Their move coincided with my father’s completion of the cattle barn. He was proud of that barn and the country feel it cemented. Since he grew up in the city, I think he hoped to make up for his lack of a country childhood by living it vicariously through me.

At the first get-together between the two families, he pointed at the barn and urged us children to make his dream come true. “You kids go in there and have some fun. Go roll around in the hay but leave some for the horses.” We never had horses. “Just don’t go tipping over any cows now.”

Jamie would not tolerate my hesitation and went inside. I figured it would be irresponsible to let the barn cave in on her alone, so I joined her. The lights no longer worked, but fortunately the moonlight was able to gleam through the holes in the roof.

“I’m sorry, Matthew.”

“How come?”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t clear the other day. I didn’t want it to seem as if I would leave Gabriel.”

“No, you were pretty clear. There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

“But why, Matthew? Why did you wait all this time to tell me how you really felt?”

“There was never a good time to tell you. Either one of us was in a relationship, or would be away. I don’t know. It’s just now that you’re about to get married, there’s no going back. This would be the last chance for us to be something else. I know it messes things up between us. But it’s worth knowing if we could be.”

“I knew there was always something there. Our friendship was a lie, wasn’t it?”

The first time we went inside the barn, we just looked at the cows. We stayed quiet as they chewed away on some grass, sometimes turning our way to give us a quick look. I forget who broke the silence between us but I remember learning some secrets of hers that first time. She learned some of mine as well. I also remember us running around. We would stop by the pond to spot some frogs. We would scare off some minnows with rocks. A few times we wrestled in the hay but I think we tried to enjoy it more than we actually did. As we grew, we did less running and more talking. We shared things we could not tell our parents, dreams, some tears, and a lot of giggling.

“I don’t think you can call it a lie, Jamie. If it was, then a lot of my childhood was a lie. You can call me selfish though for telling you how I feel. I just – it would hurt too much to pretend that those feelings aren’t there, especially when you’re married to someone else.”

“It would hurt you more than losing me?”

“Yes. I thought about that since the day you got engaged.”

“I can’t leave Gabriel. I’ve been with him for three years now and he’s been so good to me. I know he’ll be a good partner.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

We tipped a cow one night. It was one of those things we felt the need to do before turning eighteen. The experience did not live up to our expectations. We felt sorry for the cow. It had stood peacefully in the barn only to have us press up against its side. Once it realized what we were attempting, it went down by itself. I doubt it would have budged otherwise. There was no need to run away afterwards like troublemakers. There was no exhilaration – just disappointment. We stayed there for a while, staring at it as it lay down.

“Matthew, can I ask you something?”

That came suddenly, but I had an idea of what she would ask. We were both single at the time.

“Sure. Everything alright?”

“Yes, I was just wondering. You know I really appreciate you.” She paused and glanced at me after every statement. “You’ve always been there for me. For a while you were my only friend. I was just wondering if ever you thought of being more than friends?”

“Wondering or hoping?”

She gave a little laugh. I caught a slight tremble in her lip and she turned away.

“Well, I don’t know. You’re not seeing Katy anymore, right?”

“Right.”

She was silent for a while, her head tilted to one side with her eyes to the ground. A little smile on her face. She then turned back to me.

“Why aren’t you talking more? I want to know what you’re thinking.”

“I want to hear what you have to say.” I was nervous. And I did not know how to answer her real question. Stalling and listening were in my best interest. But with her following words, she forced me to think quickly.

“I’ve decided to do things differently. I want to do things now that make me happy. And that’s why I’m asking you if you’d like to go out with me.”

I had been able to make eye contact with her, but as soon as she said what she had to say, I looked away – to the walls of the barn, then fixed on the ground, up to the ceiling for an instant, then back to the ground. Something strange happens when a dream of yours is on the verge of becoming true. You would think that you would dive head-on straight into it and feel an unrivalled sense of fulfilment. But sometimes, especially if it is a dream you have been harboring for years, you become afraid of it becoming true. That night in the barn, Jamie wanted to make my dream come true. And I loved her even more for it. Yet, I was unable to answer her.

My long silence was met with a slight shake of her head as she looked away and gave off a quick sigh.

“I’m sorry, Matthew. I shouldn’t have brought this up. We’ve been friends for so long. It would probably be weird, wouldn’t it?”

I was suddenly able to speak again.

“Yeah, we’re really good like this. I wouldn't want to lose you as a friend.”

“You’re right. I mean, if we tried and it didn’t work out, things would just be weird between us. I don’t see myself ever being able to hate you but you never know.”

Jamie and Gabriel got married a few months after their engagement party. I heard it was a lovely ceremony and that they looked very happy together. After discussing it with my father, I took down the old barn. It was sturdier than I thought, and the task was much more difficult than expected. I then got to work on building a stable in its stead. The horses would arrive soon after.