Love Yourself Like That, Ch. 2

Now, this is the time to handle business.

So when you run me my keys

take the feelings and memories,

and leave the money you owe me.

Oh, was how I said what I said too aggressive?

Or you just tryna write me off,

so you gotta be just a little projective?

I'm a long way from disrespecting you,

you were there for me through some dark shit.

I thought things were cool.

I always help with anything

to lighten the load,

even when my schedule is full.

But now how I speak

got you lost in your pride?

I'd still leave everything I'm doing,

at the drop of a dime

if you needed my time.

Tell me,

is it really my vibe or my thighs

that had you hypnotized?

Because I been speaking my mind from the jump,

seems like now, though

we can't properly communicate

after we hump.

So where do we go from here?

Blocked, packed, deleted.

Like we never meant anything to each other

when we needed.

My brain keeps a record of all the bad feelings people have given me. Whether it was because of something that was said and the way I interpreted it, or because of something they did and the way I allowed that to make me feel. Sometimes the thoughts of what people are capable of scare me into not wanting to trust anyone ever again.

I've developed many forms of self discipline with every confusing lesson life presents to me. I'm not sure if I've consciously learned in its entirety from the things I've been through, but when I meditate and self reflect, I don't see a lot of the same patterns I used to cycle through when I was younger.

I was laying in bed with my head under the covers, hiding from the sunlight peeking through the blinds, when DJ walks in the room with breakfast. He made fried eggs, cooked spinach, toast with grape jelly on it and he brought me a hot cup of coffee, just the way I like.

"For meee?! Thaaank yooou bayybee!" I always drag out the vowels of words when I feel like I'm being loved right. My energy shifts into a free flowing feminine and the tone in my voice is high pitch and vulnerable. I get soft and nurturing. I reflect nurture. He sits down next to me.

"The food is amazing, as usual" I gently kiss his cheek and glance down to his lips, eagerly awaiting his smile. There it is. It's so nice to be with a man that can cook and likes to cook.

Only in rare seasons do I get to see my theme of that particular love become factualized in real life. I see and feel little pieces of composed wants in my reality and I hold on to it for a second. A manifestation. It feels like a sunrise in my chest, with happiness like a river, rising behind the dams of my eyes from fulfillment.

When I visualize my future life in this moment, I see him in it. I see this exact moment many times. Because I want it to happen more. Because I'm mesmerized and have craved a feeling like this for a very long time. And now it's mine.

I stayed the night with DJ last night and every time I wake up next to him, I still can't believe someone like him chose someone like me. I am in awe of the way he gets his mornings together. How focused on getting out of the house he gets, but still calm and attentive. Organized. I feel frazzled and rushed most mornings trying to get myself and 2 kids out the door, but not with him. I get to take my time.

I finish my food and bring my plate to the kitchen. I glance in the sink and don't see any dishes, so I clean my plate and set it in the strainer. I grab my toothbrush and face wash and make my way into the bathroom. DJ comes up behind me and grabs my ass, he slides all smooth in front of me and turns the shower on before I get to the sink.

He undressed fast, got in, then peaks out the curtain and says, "You know, there is room for one more, if you wanna join me."

How could I say no to such a gesture? And after such a wonderful breakfast together. So yeah, I got out of my clothes and I joined him. He extended his hand and helped me in the shower.

As I step in, I noticed a travel size bottle of fruity fragranced body wash that wasn't mine. What I thought was going to be a sweet fantasy, shared showered, quickly turned into me feeling disgusted. Uncomfortable. But then I remembered, we just fuck.

I rushed through that shower, barely making eye contact. A smile every few looks. I didn't want him to know I was upset because that's not cute, to argue about other bitches when I'm the one with him right now. I know I shouldn't be upset because this is the type of unspoken agreement we have. He's not my man. He's a player. I know this.

I'm disappointed and a little confused with how he manages to find the time to be with other women when he's mostly with me on his free time, though. Mostly.

I've had to learn how to conceal and feel through my "toxic" emotions. The jealousy, the envy, the angry and competitive versions of myself. They're natural and part of our human experience, of course, but unnecessary. And nothing is ever as it seems.

Since being with DJ, I'm more in control of my reactions to things. He provides a space for me to pause and think about the ways I'm going to respond before actually responding, most times. Whereas, in my past experiences, I would react out of impulse, with emotion, with judgement and only from how I saw where they were wrong. Not listening to how they felt and taking responsibility for where I was wrong.

And the angry words I would hear, in those times, I wasn't receptive or healed enough to have a healthy perspective to view the issues. I would just feel like I'm being attacked. So I would get defensive. And then erupt. Only after the outbursts, when shit would go too far, is when I would take responsibility for the damages that I caused, physically, emotionally, and if shit was broken, financially.

But it never needed to get that far, is my point. I stopped letting shit get taken that far because I don't want to deal with the clean up.

I'm still not perfect in my responses, not by any means. I still have a tone in my voice that can be misleading when I feel defensive. I'm not as confrontational as I once was, but I will not let anyone play me.

DJ is the same as me in that way. I can tell he's healed and worked on himself and his reactions to people and situations, but his strong will and stubbornness sometimes takes over. He misinterprets the way things are said, a lot, and we've had our disagreements. I've rarely known him to admit when he's wrong. He'll apologize if I bring to his attention how I felt hurt by something he said or did, but he's not usually the first to say sorry for his behavior or words.

I never did question DJ about the soap in the shower, because I didn't feel like hearing a lie and because the next time I was over, it was gone. So I let it go.

But a few weeks later when I wanted to buckle down and get started on planning my birthday trip that I was suppose to take with him, he took my tone as disrespectful.

"The price for the flight online is $157 if I go thru a travel agent. Do you want me to wait for you to get off work and we can go book it together?" Is the text I sent him before his lunch break at work.

"No" was his response.

He had called earlier and got upset because I would rather get started planning this since it was only 6 weeks out. He wanted me to call around to a few auto part stores and look for a few prices on a couple items for a vehicle he was working on to resell. "Not now," I said, "but I will a little later." He hung up on me.

"Okay... are you not coming with me anymore?" ....no response.

He called 20 minutes later and said, "What are you talking about, man? You not even making sure I'm set for the trip as far as necessities go... like how you was when we went shopping..."

"Didn't you say you were excited to see what that looked like for me prior to actually going shopping? SO why are you STILL mad at how I shopped? I showed you what you were excited to see and it wasn't what you're used to or how you do it. Everybody is different and you gonna stop bringing that up. Thank you."

He was in one of his moods. The kind I get in around that time of the month.

"You must be able to sense my cycle now and catch my attitude before I do. What are YOU talking about? I'm asking if you're still coming with."

"Man, come on G. I'm at work, I don't got time to have you in my ear like this."

"I'll go book the flight by myself, that's fine, but I just want to know if I need to make accomodations for the room to have 2 guests."

He hung up.

"Alright, well, I'm just tryna handle this business and try to figure out if you've taken the time off and if you're still coming, but have an amazing day, I guess. I'm not doing this with you today." I pressed send and left it alone.

My phone buzzed a few moments later and our conversation continued briefly.

"You can still handle business and talk with respect."

"Nothing I said was disrespectful."

"It was more about your tone"

"My tone was because I'm trying to be serious and get this done"

"Go by yourself, then."

"FUCKING BET!"

In less than ten minutes I was blocked. I took that as we're done. Finito. Finished; no more us.

I booked my flight out to my destination and decided to leave a message on his voicemail.

I let him know I packed the clothes and random shit he had left at my place in a plastic tote bin and put it down in my storage unit. I mentioned that he can come pick it up and when he does, leave my keys. I left it alone.

I'm not gonna lie, I was in my feelings heavy for the next day and a half. It felt like a dark hole had opened in my heart and was vacuuming out the joy that was once given to me from the time spent with DJ.

I left it alone to be what it was. I prayed on it. My spiritual journey has been my guide for accepting the way things happen in my life. I ask the universe to allow me to have the space and people in my life to elevate and launch me forward into my purpose. I ask for the people in my energy that may have any ill will towards me to be removed. I ask for protection from dumb shit all the time.

And when he gets to acting up like this, and with the connection we have, I call it divine intervention. A spiritual being having a human experience.

And that's okay!

I just don't have the desire to be talked to or treated like that by men anymore, or play childish games.

I realized by being with him, as mature as he is, he's still set in his ways when it comes to how he wants to be talked to and treated, as most people are.

The resistance to change will always keep you angry.

That was the last time I packed his shit.

We spoke for a few more weeks, we both calmed down in less then 24 hours. He showed up to my house and initiated and apology by cuddling up next to me in bed while I was taking a nap. He whispered in my ear "I missed you" and I melted.

This man.

Damn.

I decided while I was packing his things that, even if he was just having a bad day and we do get through this, it probably was for the best if he didn't stay the night any more for awhile.

Lyric was in the living room and baby Mac was with his dad.

I closed my bedroom door and locked it.

We obviously had to bind out truce with a physical apology. His foreplay is my favorite.

I made spaghetti for dinner.

He stayed the night. One last time.

It was that rainy Sunday kind of love.

My time with DJ, I've concluded, was a time of growth and healing. All throughout our situationship I would reflect on the habits I had formed over the years from the relationships I had been in.

I taught myself, with him, to recognize and adjust my attitude towards certain things. He provided peerspectives I never took into consideration, but mostly I appreciate his ability to help me cultivate self discipline. By listening to how he responded and observing the way he interacted with me in and out of my elements, I have established new boundaries for what I will and will not tolerate from those around me that say they love me.

When we were together, it was only about us. We were hardly on our phones and always gave each other undivided attention.

It was when we were apart, living our lives individually, that things started to fall apart. When the outside world contaminated our inside world. With the sneaky vibes that would illuminate through ignored calls at night, short text replies, and rejecting requests to stay the night with each other.

Through it all, I know now that some people, no matter the strength of the connection, may only be in your life for a season. A blessing or a lesson. And the things people do are rarely ever because of you. So be disciplined enough to remember, don't take anything personally.