Love, Me

Ethan,

Long time, no talk. Sorry 'bout that. No matter how many times I've had someone breathing down my neck to get me to write this letter, it was still just as hard for me to pull out the pad of paper and pencil. I don't want to have to do this. Trust me, Ethan, I don't. I know you probably have said so much about me to all your peers;

about how horrible I was to have done what I've done to you..

I'm sure you even told all your buds about how much I've stomped on your heart into thousands of little pieces..

but this was the way things had to be.

Ethan,

I don't want to have to do this. I didn't want to do it like this. God, I wish I could have done this in person rather than on a lousy piece of paper.. but you know how everyone felt about us towards the end. Maci is still going on and on about how I should've walked away a year ago. My mother has been pushing for me to go to therapy about us.. something about how it'll help, but I honestly cannot see why it would help cure whatever it was that we had.

Sure, Ethan, we had bad days. Everyone has had bad days. We were in love. You can't deny it. I can't deny it. What we had.. that was love. No matter what everyone in my life tries to say, I firmly believe that was love. Especially the beginning. Oh, Ethan. If I could go back to the way we were in the beginning.. oh, I'd replay it over and over in my mind forever.

We were so cute, Ethan. Remember? The way you used to come over to my parents' house with one lone rose for me, and a bouquet of flowers for my mother so she'd know I was in safe hands with you. God, the way you used to make her blush Ethan. She used to be such the biggest fan of you, of us. She used to sit down and beg for me to start making wedding plans.. saying how I'd never find someone as sweet and lovely as you; oh, how I wish I could go back to those days.

What happened to us, Ethan? When did we go so far off the track we were heading towards? I seriously thought you'd be my forever. I was actually starting to believe that you were the one person the universe was setting me up for success with. What happened to us, Ethan? One day, I was all you could ever talk about; you even chose me over your own friends. The next, you were wrapping your hands around my throat as you threw me up against the wall. What the hell happened to the good ole days, Ethan?

It started off all innocent. Maybe you accidently put your hands on me, but you immediately would apologize right after.. as if hearing the words 'I'm sorry' leave your lips was supposed to make me forget what you had just done moments before. But soon enough, you were injuring me.. throwing me up against walls.. throwing glass bottles at my head.. only to leave me to cry in my bedroom alone for weeks wondering when I would get to see you again; wondering if the last time we saw each other would've been our last.

Ethan,

That day you came back; I thought that would be the best day of my life. After spending nearly a month crying alone in my bedroom, you had finally came back. You showed up at my parents' house with a bouquet of daisies for my mother and one lone rose for me. All you had to do was flash your award-winning smile for my mom to let you into the house; even if she hadn't seen you in almost a month.

"Lyla, your boy is back!" my mom shouted up the stairs. She sounded so happy that you were back. Of course she was. Her daughter just spent the last month sulking in her bedroom, refusing to come out.. not even to get something to eat. She had to force her daughter to gather up the energy to shower and keep up good hygiene.

Lyla, your boy is back. Those words stuck in the back of my head to this day. It's just the way she spoke them. She was happy. Excited. Her daughter was finally going to leave her bedroom once again. Where did she even think you were, Ethan? Out on a fishing trip? Out with your father on one of your mysterious trips you always seemed to take any time you had put your hands on me?

Standing at the top of those stairs, I suddenly felt that rush I've felt the first day I met you. There you stood, by the door, in some faded blue jeans and a collared plaid button up; I'd never forget the way you looked as you stood in that doorway.

"Hi Lyla." You said to me as I came down the stairs, "Long time, no see."

Long time, no see. Is that the best you were able to come up with? It's been a month since we've seen each other last and that was the first thing you wanted to say to me? How about.. where you've been? Why couldn't you apologize for the last time we saw each other? But if I'm being honest.. in that moment.. I didn't care. It was almost as if my heart made decisions before my mind had a chance to but soon enough I was flying down the stairs and jumping into your arms. You came back. You had actually came back, and I was so freaking happy for it.

That night started off the way all our nights started out. Well.. not quite. For dinner, you took me to some fast food joint's drive thru and ordered me a single burger. No fries. No drink. Just the burger. Something about how I seemed like I didn't need that much to eat. Boy, did that hurt to hear you say, Ethan. And boy, did I wish it stopped there. Next on the list, you took me out to this nice little drive in theater with tickets to see that new movie I was dying to see for the past year. Or so.. I thought. You pulled up and unbuckled your seatbelt to push your seat all the way back.

"Don't be shy, Lyla." You said to me, "Why else would you think I'd come see this crappy movie anyway?" Ouch.

"Can I get some popcorn?" I remember asking you awkwardly, to which you responded by throwing your wallet in the backseat. You could've easily just said no. Maybe even just lied and said you couldn't afford to buy a thing of popcorn.

God, Ethan.. I wish I could erase the next part of this night from my memory. I mean, if you truly wanted to do this.. why'd you even bother coming back? You should've just stayed a ghost.. I would've gotten over you eventually.

You unbuckled my seatbelt before pulling me onto your lap.

"Ethan, stop." I said to you but you didn't let that stop you. Your nails dug themselves into my skin as you yanked me into your lap even harder, but I stood my ground. "Stop it, Ethan." I remembered repeating myself.

"Why are you being such a prude?" You said to me. God if you hadn't already made me feel so small that night, that would've made my entire world stop, Ethan. I felt your hands slip under my shirt as you cupped my breast before I pulled them out. Seriously. You couldn't just accept no for an answer, could you? You went to slip your hands back under my shirt only for me to respond in the exact same way.

God, do I wish I could have just redone that all over again. I would've gone back in time and just let you place your hands under my shirt once more. You grabbed a fistful of my hair and slammed my head against the car window. "You should have never done that." were the last words I remember hearing you say.

I woke up the next day in the hospital.. surrounded by both my parents and best friend, Maci. Maci must have told my mom about all the past times you've hurt me because when I woke up, she was no longer impressed by you the way she had been before. When I had come to, my head throbbed and my ribs were aching. My left eye felt as if it had been glued shut and I had a bandage wrapped over my nose to keep it in place.

So, Ethan,

Long time, no talk. Sorry 'bout that. Although everyone in my life had told me to go ahead and write this letter to you, a small part of me couldn't find myself to do so. Writing this letter meant having to say goodbye, which I never wanted to do. I loved you, Ethan. I loved you. Despite everything that occurred between us, I loved you so much, Ethan. And although you probably already told all your peers about how much I've stomped on your heart into a thousand of little pieces, this was exactly how things needed to end between us.

Ethan,

Don't you dare forget about me.

Love, Me;

Lyla