Local supervillain distraught to learn that science and mechanical engineering are in fact, two separate fields of knowledge.

Earlier this week local supervillain Iam Evil, the internationally reviled businessman, made international headlines after kidnapping a dozen scientists for some nefarious purpose. A local reporter managed to use his press credentials to gain access to the volcanic lair where Mr. Evil was holding the scientists, and he was there to report on the evil scheme, and how the various doctors figured into it.

“Well, I could tranquilize them easily enough and maybe tag them if you wanted to keep tabs on their locations, but all that other stuff is well beyond me. I mean, I wouldn’t even know how to begin.” Said Abigail Hanver, Doctorate of Zoology, when asked if she could affix laser eyes onto a captured grey wolf.

“Do you think that this fascination with lasers is some… manifestation of psychosexual issues that you may have had as a child… How is your relationship with your mother?” Asked Dr. Hanz Eckhert, P.h.D in Psychology.

“Thanks, but no… I don’t want any tranquilized wolves… And you, shut up, I don’t have any mommy issues. Onto plan E. You, can you build me a space-based laser weapon?”

“Not even a little bit, I know the theory behind lasers, but I don’t have the technical know-how to actually build one. I don’t even know how to build a regular telescope.” Said LeMarcus Stevens, Doctorate in Astrophysics.

“I looked over the rough sketches of this super weapon that you mentioned, and I have to say… it looks fairly… phallic. How is your relationship with your father?” Asked Hanz Eckhert again, P.h.D in Psychology.

“He left when I was a kid, but nevermind that now. Okay, plan F. You, can you… Actually you can't do anything.”

“Hey, screw you buddy.” Said Dr. Austin Bernhart, Ph.D in interpretive dance theory, with a minor in underwater basket weaving.

“Plan G.” An exasperated Mr. Evil was reported to have said, “You, with the glasses, can you build a mech suit exoskeleton that amplifies my natural strength ten fold?”

“I already told you, dipshit.” Said a visibly frustrated Jacoby Gottwald, Doctorate of Kinesiology, “That's all mechanical engineering. Though, I can give you some exercises to strengthen your throat and esophagus to make it easier to suck my…”

Dr. Gottwald was cut off abruptly by the floor opening up beneath him, followed by a scream and a loud splash.

“Hmm… An aquatic trap filled with reptiles… fascinating. These creatures, dwelling in a dark, moist area accessible only to those who have displeased you, is this perhaps an indication of your relationship with women? Of your past kidnappings for evil purposes, how many have been women?” Once again remarked Hanz Eckhert, P.h.D in Psychology.

“Anyone else care to join the good Dr. in the Crocodile tank?!” Screamed Mr. Evil. “And shut up with your Freudian bullshit! His work on psychosexual development has not been put to practical usage in decades!”

“Those are actually Alligators, you can tell by the more rounded snout.” Remarked Dr. Hanver, Ph.D in Zoology.

It was then that Mr. Evil was reported to have sunk to his knees and began to weep from frustration into his hands.

After a few minutes of silent weeping, the League of Super People broke into the volcanic lair, but were immediately sucked into a spirited debate over the ethicacy of their motto ‘Truth, Justice, and Fairness’ by Dr. Melissa Barns, Ph.D in philosophy. During the confusion Mr. Evil managed to sneak away with Ian McMan, PhD. in economics, allegedly muttering to himself something about just going and committing securities fraud.